Gin and a moat

[paxillin]

Not by one of the Queens this time... But we can drink here.

NOT MY LEGFISH?

DEAD! (And never called me Mother! . . . )

Mind - I suspected utmost was flammable . . .

There there happy. Have some bathtub gin. We've got some kind of mole rats on the way, you can play with them.

They are in a better place now. No serfs have turned up so far!

Why am I the only one digging? I bet you'd have all come running had I found a stash of gin!

You know I don't dig. Plus that's what we've ordered the mole rats for.

And you want Happy to look after them? She's going to breed a new batch of horrors. Perhaps winged rats or rats with fins.

That awfulness came from the moat water, did it not? That's why we're filling the new moat with gin, so it stays clean. That and so we stop running out.

Will we have a castle or are we just digging around our tents? I hate camping. You can hear the common people being common.

You tell me, you picked the plot! What were you thinking, a field with a table, a bathtub and a microwave that somehow works. What are we supposed to do with that?

Anyway, I thought you liked being common, better than being a prince you said!

True. Maybe our next move can be to AIBU, I hear there are loads of friends to be made in AIBU. They can build a castle.

Camping is the wrong sort of common. Too wholesome and uncomfortable. Middleclass people like it, I hear. Drinking in Benidorm or Great Yarmouth is a much more fun sort of common.

Of course you can't camp - until you can sort out the construction of a new castle, obviously you need to glamp. I think I've seen some nice posh yurts on my travels, I might be able to get you a couple.

If your camping is wholesome and uncomfortable you're not drinking enough.

What's the eta on those mole rats?

Boak, they are worse than legfish! I hope dragon will kill them when the moat is finished!

I think that's one of the nudist variety and a particularly unflattering angle at that. Im sure we've all got photos that look a lot like that. I believe we've ordered the giant variety, much more effective and less judgemental about clothing.

Yes - larger furry ones, neither naked nor big-headed - modest mole-rats in both senses. I'm a bit concerned they may find human behaviour here a bit shocking.

They arrived. They look a bit... dim?

Yeah, well if you want to get a moat dug for the price of a few tubers, do you think any clever creature would do it?All you need to do is bury a potato every few metres in a circle and they should dig between them.

And I expect when they're done they'll be tasty flame-grilled.

Shit, for some reason the strike-through didn't work! ....oh, silly me, we've just established they're not very bright, they aren't literate. Whew.

On a day like this they will be roasted anyway. They do look a good size for dinner.

I knew we had potatos! We're going to have to sort a new crown by the way. When I said I was the queen they decorated me in rainbow ribbons and when I attempted to clarify they started singing don't stop me now.

Just be grateful it wasn't Bohemian Rhapsody.

At least it seems to be motivating them to work I suppose. And I do look fabulous.

Potatoes=vodka.

Pop open a Christmas cracker, they usually have a crown inside.