Anti-tips for the broody

[motherinferior]

A snuffly snotty DD2 has effectively quenched all broody thoughts in the Inferiority Complex. I realised I could get much the same effect as a new baby by buying a radio alarm clock and programming it to go off at random times in the night.

And then I started thinking of other tips for curbing any inclination to reproduction. Rather like CD's Baby Annabel. These aren't the unrealistic'octupus in a string bag' ones (where on earth do you get an octupus, anyway?) but some things you can fit easily into your day, with very little cost or effort to yourself...just try a few and you WILL see results very soon!

For instance:

Scribble on your own walls.
Have a really nice night out. Write down all the things about it you particularly enjoy. Then go to your local supermarket instead, and note the differences between them.
Read the film reviews. Select three films you would really, really like to see. Then don't.
Watch Barney the Dinosaur.
Put on your slinkiest outfit and admire yourself in the mirror. Think about never wearing it again.
Watch Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Read the autobiography of anyone who worked for Margaret Thatcher - a small imperious autocrat who didn't think other people needed much sleep. Mull over your shudders (this works particularly well if you have a curly blonde like dd1).
Cook a delicious meal which should really be eaten straightaway. Leave it for two hours.

Er...any other suggestions?

Go shopping - do not use any stairs (lifts only...), do not use any short cuts....make detours to the loo every twenty minutes.

As soon as you go to put food in your mouth get someone to scream at you.

Leave brightly coloured noisy bits of plastic in every room in the house (and I mean every room...)

Place small noisy objects (rattles etc...) in your bed to be located in the middle of the night.

This thread is v funny

arrange a great night out with your friends and bring farewell presents as you will prob never see most of them again unless they reproduce and then you will meet at an indoor activity softplay place or McDonalds and speak to eachother in unfinished sentences...

Backcomb your hair and then dont brush it for two weeks, simply tying it back each day with an old scrunchie!

throw out all of your makeup as you will never need it again

Choose playground with particularly tricky slide. Climb stairs on hands and knees past line of uncooperative toddlers. Wrestle with sack of coal at top of slide. When sack of coal finally on your lap, attempt to slide down with it. Get stuck about third of way down.

Invest in an entire wardrobe of clothes 3 sizes too small for you.