Anti-tips for the broody

[motherinferior]

A snuffly snotty DD2 has effectively quenched all broody thoughts in the Inferiority Complex. I realised I could get much the same effect as a new baby by buying a radio alarm clock and programming it to go off at random times in the night.

And then I started thinking of other tips for curbing any inclination to reproduction. Rather like CD's Baby Annabel. These aren't the unrealistic'octupus in a string bag' ones (where on earth do you get an octupus, anyway?) but some things you can fit easily into your day, with very little cost or effort to yourself...just try a few and you WILL see results very soon!

For instance:

Scribble on your own walls.
Have a really nice night out. Write down all the things about it you particularly enjoy. Then go to your local supermarket instead, and note the differences between them.
Read the film reviews. Select three films you would really, really like to see. Then don't.
Watch Barney the Dinosaur.
Put on your slinkiest outfit and admire yourself in the mirror. Think about never wearing it again.
Watch Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Read the autobiography of anyone who worked for Margaret Thatcher - a small imperious autocrat who didn't think other people needed much sleep. Mull over your shudders (this works particularly well if you have a curly blonde like dd1).
Cook a delicious meal which should really be eaten straightaway. Leave it for two hours.

Er...any other suggestions?

"greets" even

Ta Sunchowder et al, obviously my day today

Natt ? yes!

I knew it, have killed this thread with disgustingness.

I knew it, have killed this thread with disgustingness.

oops spoke too soon, thanks, feel less disgusting now

or maybe not - think misread that post

-Set fire to 500 quid.

-Don't wash you're hair for three days (no time) & make emergency dash to shops with ghastly elasticated waisted old parachute trousers on then bump into immaculate child free friend who is sooo in control of her life!!

-Spend ages selecting and making Annabel Karmel recipe to 'tempt' them. Smear all over carpet, walls etc and throw the rest in the bin.

-Hours (and HOURS) washing and ironing then screw it all up and kick it round the room a few times to simulate what happens regularly in our house when twins trash their bedroom...

Apparently when he got very old, WH Auden used to say to people at dinner"everyone pees in the bath" and get a rather baffled reaction. I think I was under the same misapprehension about poo smell, oh well.

Issymum!

PMSL - note to self - must start doing my pelvic floor exercises! Natt, your one really did for me - had me giggling like a maniac!

(Alas, it's all too late for me - 5.5 months pg with DS3/DD1....hmmmmm)

Go to your favourite clothes/interiors shop accompanied by a restless baboon and a wheelbarrow. See how the assistants rush to greet you! Now try to get into the changing room with the baboon and the wheelbarrow and carefully select a flattering and elegant outfit without having to rush out and recapture the baboon in your bra and knickers.

hee hee hee aloha, but doesn't the baboon throw open the curtain repeatedly whilst saying "dah dah" before running off into shop?

But of course. It also manages to find and melt a considerable quantity of chocolate before grabbing a garment made of cashmere...

Ah, but just think of their little floppy soft heads, that lovely clean baby smell, the little meepy noises. Their little milky, trusting faces. Little snuggly bodies...

Cheers to all! These are great, Aloha, love the Baboon-- and Natt your addition was priceless. And yes they are adorable bundles of love and joy and I have no regrets and all of that, but this is just too much fun Frogs! Great thread MI

Crunchie - your post concerned me somewhat.
Do you mean to say you intend to still dryclean your clothes? It's just that you seemed to have forgotten that on your list. You know if you dont follow the gov advice properly your child will be a mutant with 2 heads.

Hey, I've realised another, while walking home with dd1 and the baby from childminder...

Hold a 'conversation' (I use the term loosely) with a very, very stoned friend. Someone who is very chatty and utterly charming, but also completely off their trolley and rather paranoid; who demands that you follow every bizarre nonsequitur with intelligent comment, not just 'Mmmm'; gets quite outraged when you don't give exactly the expected response (without cues as to what precisely that response should be); occasionally gets inexplicably outraged at a quite inane remark you've dared to make; and then eats all your chocolate.

Depending on your social circle, this is a perfectly feasible thing to arrange, and is a disturbingly accurate simulation of conversation with a three-year-old.

Before you go to the loo gather up a walkman with a screaming loop tape and a particularly frisky puppy. Hold the puppy on your lap while you go. If the puppy leaps off, turn the walkman on. If the puppy comes back again, take it back on your lap and switch the walkman off.

OK, this isn't going far enough, I know. You'll have to do some bits for yourself, like enter into a repetitive conversation with yourself about why you don't have a penis but daddy does, as well as distributing toilet paper liberally all over the floor and begging for the calpol in the medicine cabinet.

Take a cat and a cat-hating dog with you to the shops. Turn loose in the paints aisle of a small independent DIY shop -- you know the sort with lots of small sharp, heavy and/or liquid items hanging precariously off crowded shelves. Let the animals madly chase each other around, screeching very loudly, while the staff and stare lagubriously and other customers sigh very loudly at you.

go to the cashpoint take out £100 to buy yourself something really nice then spend the lot on nappies, then go out for a really nice evening with your friends to get plasstered and get dp/dh to ring you a hour after uve been out to tell u u have to come home he cant cope with dd/ds

buy a thousand pound sofa then get a pot of chocolate spread am wipe it all over the sofa!!!!!

when u have a group of friemds round run through the front room where everyone is sitting whilst waving your vibrator above your head screaming " wots this mommy"

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LOL at the vibrator... dare I ask, did that really happen?