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Anti-tips for the broody

106 replies

motherinferior · 08/04/2004 09:05

A snuffly snotty DD2 has effectively quenched all broody thoughts in the Inferiority Complex. I realised I could get much the same effect as a new baby by buying a radio alarm clock and programming it to go off at random times in the night.

And then I started thinking of other tips for curbing any inclination to reproduction. Rather like CD's Baby Annabel. These aren't the unrealistic'octupus in a string bag' ones (where on earth do you get an octupus, anyway?) but some things you can fit easily into your day, with very little cost or effort to yourself...just try a few and you WILL see results very soon!

For instance:

Scribble on your own walls.
Have a really nice night out. Write down all the things about it you particularly enjoy. Then go to your local supermarket instead, and note the differences between them.
Read the film reviews. Select three films you would really, really like to see. Then don't.
Watch Barney the Dinosaur.
Put on your slinkiest outfit and admire yourself in the mirror. Think about never wearing it again.
Watch Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Read the autobiography of anyone who worked for Margaret Thatcher - a small imperious autocrat who didn't think other people needed much sleep. Mull over your shudders (this works particularly well if you have a curly blonde like dd1).
Cook a delicious meal which should really be eaten straightaway. Leave it for two hours.

Er...any other suggestions?

OP posts:
nikcola · 08/04/2004 21:17

oh and tie two sacks of potatoes to your leg and try and do all the cleaning in your house with them clung to your leg

nikcola · 08/04/2004 21:20

eddm, yeh it did really happen while my dad step mom , mom and step dad where all here at my house they havent once mentioned it but i could of died

sunchowder · 08/04/2004 21:24

These are getting better and better!!

Nutcracker · 08/04/2004 21:55

Oh quick i need to read this. Feel so broody today.

Nutcracker · 08/04/2004 21:56

Nikcola - My dd did that vibrator thing too. Doesn't matter where it is they always find it. Dp got a right ear bashing when he got home.

nikcola · 08/04/2004 22:15

get on the buss and tell the old lady sitting down to f**K off (mu brother thought it was funny to teach my dd to swear)

eddm · 08/04/2004 22:19

Nikcola, I'm creased esp. at sack of potatoes! Keep 'em coming, please!

eddm · 08/04/2004 22:21

Just remembered I've got an even more embarrassing vibrator-discovery story but doesn't involve children...

nikcola · 08/04/2004 23:33

tell me tell me eddm

Angeliz · 08/04/2004 23:43

motherInferior, that was me and dd today!!!

(your last post!)

DD wanted to know why daddy had told her all the dinasors were dead and YET, she had seen a programme with her cousins where the Dinasors actually came back!!!

I am off to bed but just read your last comment and really did GUFFAW(?)!! (Whatever that means, i just did it!). Sometimes i daren't look at dd,(just turned 3), incase i get the eyebrows wrong or something and she shouts at me!!!

Nutcracker · 09/04/2004 22:15

Need to read this again. Stupidly went in to Mothercare today and was oohing and aaahing at the prams and babygrows. I even brought a catolouge, will have to bin it i think.

nightowl · 09/04/2004 23:27

lie on a sunbed in your back garden on a blazing hot day and get someone to kick endless amounts of water all over you

nightowl · 09/04/2004 23:29

ps dont forget to add lots of leaves, twigs, slugs and general bits of crap to the water

mammya · 09/04/2004 23:46

ROFL!!! This thread is priceless!
MotherInferior your description of a conversation with a 3 year old is spot on! Had me crying with laughter...
Aloha your baboon story also made me cry

Chinchilla · 09/04/2004 23:47

Guffaw (great word!)

Answer the phone whilst asking a friend to shout 'ME TALK' repeatedly, and with increasing volume.

carla · 09/04/2004 23:48

Get some snot and NOT be allowed to clear it from their faces. Get some antique jewellry and let your children put it into their Barbie boxes. Wonder why you never go out!

carla · 09/04/2004 23:52

Have a 4 year old who doesn't mind that the toilet paper's run out ... and then ..'sco' say mummy, I used my dress ...UUUUGGGGGG

eddm · 09/04/2004 23:59

Just caught up with this thread again and realised some poor deluded person (you know who you are) did ask me to share embarrassing vibrator discovery story. So here goes:
Imagine, if you will, that you have done something really stupid involving national humilation. For instance, inviting a TV home makeover show to reveal your chaotic housekeeping on a major channel. Now visualise two days into filming: you are really knackered and have been sorting out all your belongings for so long that you have been begging people for matches so you can just set fire to the whole lot and sod any sentimental items.
Now see the presenter, an annoying witch who makes Anne Robinson look like Anne of Green Gables, dive into a carboard box full of old clothes. This is a box which has clearly never been unpacked since it came off the removal lorry ? still has the company name on the side.
Guess what she pulls out?

nightowl · 10/04/2004 00:01

oh no...she didnt!

nightowl · 10/04/2004 00:02

oh heres another, get a male to come into town with you, drop his pants in the most crowded place, and start peeing whilst spinning round in a circle shouting "look at my fountain everybody"

eddm · 10/04/2004 00:04

Oh yes she did. My face has never burnt so brightly! And she kept calling it a dildo... again and again. We'd last moved house 5 YEARS previously, would you believe.

eddm · 10/04/2004 00:04

LOL Nightowl, your ds sounds like a little star!

nightowl · 10/04/2004 00:12

my mum found my vibro one night when she was babysitting........aaarrrggggh. when i woke up next morning it was placed neatly on the bedside table, eying me up.

carla · 10/04/2004 00:28

eddm, for the sake of Mumsnet I'll give it a try!!

nikcola · 10/04/2004 00:49

eddm that is so funny you are making me cry,