Anti-tips for the broody

[motherinferior]

A snuffly snotty DD2 has effectively quenched all broody thoughts in the Inferiority Complex. I realised I could get much the same effect as a new baby by buying a radio alarm clock and programming it to go off at random times in the night.

And then I started thinking of other tips for curbing any inclination to reproduction. Rather like CD's Baby Annabel. These aren't the unrealistic'octupus in a string bag' ones (where on earth do you get an octupus, anyway?) but some things you can fit easily into your day, with very little cost or effort to yourself...just try a few and you WILL see results very soon!

For instance:

Scribble on your own walls.
Have a really nice night out. Write down all the things about it you particularly enjoy. Then go to your local supermarket instead, and note the differences between them.
Read the film reviews. Select three films you would really, really like to see. Then don't.
Watch Barney the Dinosaur.
Put on your slinkiest outfit and admire yourself in the mirror. Think about never wearing it again.
Watch Clifford the Big Red Dog.
Read the autobiography of anyone who worked for Margaret Thatcher - a small imperious autocrat who didn't think other people needed much sleep. Mull over your shudders (this works particularly well if you have a curly blonde like dd1).
Cook a delicious meal which should really be eaten straightaway. Leave it for two hours.

Er...any other suggestions?

Walk through each room of your home and destroy anything you find which is less than 4ft from the floor. Pay particular attention to irreplaceable items of sentimental value.

Scatter glitter liberally throughout your house - don't forget the blobs of glue first.

Tip the contents of your bin under the kitchen table/on the sofa/in all the beds and leave it to fester for several weeks.

Get someone to throw away or break any nice pieces of jewellery you have left.

Spend ages cooking a delicious nutritious meal and then throw in into the bin. Then eat some chicken nuggets and chips for the next week at every meal.

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LOL at jmg in an adult nappy!

at this thread. I'm enjoying it v. much!

Make that was enjoying it, baby awake.

That mental picture of an adult nappy has just made me cringe

If I needed a serious reminder about why I shouldn't have another kid it is cleaning up other peoples poo. I looked after a friends 3 yr old recently who had a bit of a poo smearing problem, and I swore then never agin. Thanks for reminding me, the rose tinted glasses are firmly back in the drawer

Get some snot. Spend all day wiping it off someone's nose and eyes while they squirm and complain and cry. Then get a cold yourself but don't stop, you need to keep on wiping. Repeat as necessary.

Ask everyone you meet if they could give you some unsolicited advice designed to make you feel like a bad person and a complete failure. Write to national newspapers, magazines and broadcasters with the same request.

Take one pack of babygros, stain heavily with orange/brown dye, spend most of day trying to get stains out by handwashing because there's now quite enough volume there to justify loading the washing machine.

Set alarm for 1am, get up, go outside, strap large doll into carseat, drive around for several hours listening to sickly-sweet lullaby tapes that came free with Mother and Baby magazine.

Never had a weight problem before? Attach yourself to a feeding tube, foie-gras stylee - gain two stones that will never, ever shift. Throw out your entire wardrobe of much loved, stylish and dare-I-say, sexy, clothes. Replace with elastic waists and lycra jeans.

eddm Ah the advice. Yes now that is enough to stop me in my tracks.

I mean if I wanted to get pg again, maybe in 2005, both dh and I should go on diets, only eat organic foods, take various supplements, completetly clean our house without the aid of chemicals etc etc. Because if we don't start now there maybe lingering toxins in our house. Oh god I forgot, I must dig over the garden and get rid of all trace of cat/dog poo and replant without the aid of fertilser. I have better throw away all alcohol, cheese, cooked meals, bagged salads, tuna, ham, crisps (empty cals) peanuts etc etc

Well at least I am now allowed to eat chocolate

Now you are really all putting me off trying

addm, totally agree about all the advice!!!!
If i do it again i will NOT buy any magazines!!!

Here's my very recent one.

Go to 3 year old's Birthday party and eat something dodgy,(make sure 3 year old dd eats it too).
Stay up till 3 am vomitting in bathroom with dd.
Next day, lie on settee and just when you get to that 'i'm alright if i don't move' feeling, get dd to thump you in the stomache and shout,"CHASE ME MAMMY".

Make sure dp is miles away in London at the time

Drink loads of water, go on a long journey without going to toilet before hand, take one plastic bag, attempt to pee in it whilst going round a roundabout. (Good job it wasn't our car!)

Tee hee, like these

Get your partner to lie in bed kicking you hard at intervals all night.
Hire a person of restricted stature to stand outside the loo whilst you are suffering from a stomach bug screaming "mummy" and hammering on the door.
Hire a second person of restricted stature to bite the first person of restricted stature on the face whilst this is happening.

Thanks Angeliz and Crunchie, not often anyone comments on my posts (unless they want to disagree vehemently).

sorry i spelt your name wrong!!!

eddm, I LOVED your Post!

Make lots of trips to your local gp practice and emergency room. Observe how lovely all the people who work there are, and how much an "equal"you seem to them.

Explode a food bomb in your car.

Hang out at random school gates just for the hell of it.

Get in your car & drive specifically at 8.45 every morning and 3.15 every afternoon.

eddm: .

• get lots of slugs and put them on your nice new settee to simulate toddler snot.

• anyone who already has a toddler and feels broody is welcome to borrow my double buggy, add a sack of potatoes and try walking into town.

Just the thought of being dialated 10 Centimeters again keeps me in check. We could come out with a greeting card line "So you're thinking of becoming a mother are you?" All of these comments would make great text!

I think you should definitely have someone urinate and defecate (very, very loose movement)on you to see if you enjoy it first. Then have someone wake you every 3 hours and place your feet into an ice bucket at each of those intervals would be good for starters.

Actually, I don't mind snot, I no longer register films I want to see, and I have grown to enjoy the nursery rhymes in the car (have even been known to say "Oh I like this one' and turn up the volume which is, I know, very, very sad). But it's the similarity of small baby to a highly sensitive car alarm under your pillow, going off randomly but at no less than two-hourly intervals ALL NIGHT LONG that really gets to me.

This is so gross I may have to change my name, but I have actually grown to feel quite soppy about the poo-ey odour that greats me when go into the boys' room in the morning. is that too disgusting?