This is a VERY sensitive subject, I know, but I am curious to know just how big a problem this is

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

How many people on here have been assaulted/raped and have either reported or not reported it?

I found out that the conviction rate rapes was just 6% . 6% of reported rapes. There are many many many more that go unreported. I want to know roughly what kind of figure we are looking at. Please change your name if need be, but do post.....

I'll start..

Me - unreported.

I agree MSTG that looking back my parents were wrong, but they did what they felt was right at the time, they had no reason to suspect I was being abused too, and I gave them no reason to think i would be at risk, remember at this point I was 11/12/13 and in their eyes old enought to make up my own mind. We moved to the other end of the country just before I was 13 (was working out the dates, it felt like I was younger but nope I was nearly 13) and that ended the abuse effectively.

I have plenty of issues already with both my mum and my dad, and to add blame for my abuse to the pile would I think be the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. I am an adult now, and I have made my life the way it is today by hard work and a bit of luck, and I really don't have the time and/or energy to drag up all this with my parents. What would I gain? I speak to them every couple of weeks, we are all civil and fairly warm with each other. I think I am happy with the status quo. Maybe this will change when i have my own children, as i might be inclined to be more emotional, but at the moment I can see no benefit for myself in dragging it all up. And it's only recently that I have started doing things for myself (a huge victory for me given my normal pattern of pleasing others 100%).

I am probably wrong but my feeling is let sleeping dogs lie. He is going to die soon. I will deal with it. I will carry on. I have made a success of my life in that I am happy DESPITE what he did to me. I don't see any further than that really.

Well I did it, for the first time after all these years I opened the box that I had locked away in my mind and told DH about the rape, yes he was shocked, horrified and angry on my behalf, but he said it explained alot about the way I act at times. I have a problem with people getting to close to me and if in any way threatened I rare up and go on the defensive without thinking. It seems my box wasn't as secure as I thought and little bits of him (rapist) were escaping into everyday life. I wish I had talked about it before instead of hiding it, but I sat here last night telling Dh and the tears just poured out. Hard to do but I dont feel like I'm carrying a dirty little secret anymore yes i was drunk at the time, but I was only 15 and clearly said no, so I have taken his invisible power away from him, I have spoken about it, and although the pain will never completly leave me, I now feel stronger and able to cope with it.

I want to thank you vvv and all you other strong women for your post's on this thread you have all given me the courage to talk about what happened to me and maybe now start seeing the light at the end of my tunnel.

nannyk, could it also be that your mum was abused by your grandfather? the drinking could have been her way of coping with not only what happened to your sis (and you) but knowing it was history repeating itself.

It is definitely harder once you have kids but only in the sense that you realise how badly let down you were by your own parents.

It was my Dads dad not my Mums dad, so no. Her drinking was alot to do with the fact my Dad was having an affair at around the same time my sister came out about the abuse. (It's a soap opera, my life. And a bad one at that.) She had a lot to deal with.

Oh I have goosebumps reading that NSN. It must have been so nerve-wracking, building up to that conversation. You have done brilliantly.

x

NSN - Goosesbumps all round I think. I want to wrap you up in cotton wool and tell you its all ok.

NannyK - I admire your sense of serenity and objectivity. I clearly have issues that I have no idea how to sort out. And that will not go away.

VVV - Thanks for understanding.

Im still gobsmacked at how many of us there are.

Thankyou MSTG, it has taken me a long time to get here and it has been a very bumpy ride. I by no means think I am "sorted" or "healed", in fact I tread on thin ice a lot of the time as I don't always feel brave or grown up. But I don't see a way of turning this situation into anything more than it already is IYSWIM. I have chosen to be calm, and to just get on with my life, it would be just as easy to completely lose the plot and sink into a big hole of depression and anger and blame. I have recently distanced myself both physically and emotionally from much of my family, and we all seem to muddle along. I have some good friends. And I love my job. So really I feel blessed. I just try not to think or dwell on the past. This thread has made me do that but I am grateful for all of the kind words, and I hope I can offer support to any of you.

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me - a few times - never reported.

age 4/5 (not sure how long for) mum and dad used to get drunk and drive home so would leave me to sleep at mums sisters house. i slept in between aunt and uncle. their children were in the house so why didnt i sleep in kids room. or why didnt my mum want to know where i was sleeping. my mums dead now but wished i had asked her have so many unanswered questions. dont know why i never told mum or dad. thier drinking probably had something to do with it. and the tons of other problems our family always had. since then ive had conselling and realise i was the adult in the family even at such a young age.

about 8/9 my mum acccused my dad of touching me. i had slept in their bed and we have had a chinese takeaway nite before. i had all sticky red sauce down below and showed my mum. i dont know if he did or not.i do remember her attacking him with a knife about it and me thinking that was my fault as well.

age 10/11 i was sleeping at a friends house downstairs on the sofa. her dad would get up in the nite put his willy in my mouth and try to get me to suck it. again i didnt tell a soul.

my parents alchololism cause our family life to be so chaotic and very sad. brother sent to prison age 18 for murder after having a fight and stabbing someone. other brother is still an alcholic. after this i started drinking age 13 and that lead on to taking drugs. it led onto a massive heroin and crack cocaine addiction that went on for years. i worked in the sex industry i had much promiscous sex as i believed having sex with someone meant they wanted me.

i am clean now and mum to a beautiful 5 year old boy. i have never had a proper relationship without drugs and drink being involved. have currently been single (5 years no sex) since getting clean and having ds. would love to meet someone and get married and have another baby.

i am a good person and i did not deserve any of these things to happen to me. i also believe my childhood set me on the road for my addiction.

it worries me loads about the world we live in. all i can do it make my son blissfully happy and protect him. and give him the childhood i craved.

p.s sorry bit of a lifestory but glad im pressing send at last!!

(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) Changed as well. God how horrific. I am so, so glad to see that you have changed/chosen your life to be a happier one despite what happened to you. I really try to do the same, to decide that what happened will not dictate who I am. But it's difficult. Tonight I went out with friends and drank a load of wine. Now of course i feel all the pent up crap boiling up and I wish it would all just go away. I know the alcohol is the trigger, and really i should not drink at all after seeing what my mum went through. But it's so hard. I work so hard to be a good person, a good nanny, a good sister, a good daughter... And then all of that goes out the window as soon as I have had a few drinks. I must not drink. I wish I hadn't sounded so together earlier. I really am not at all. I just try so hard to be cos that's what I have always been. I hate all this. I'm sorry. I'll no doubt hate that i posted this in the morning but I have told more people the truth on this thread than I have ever told in my life and i can't thinbk of telling anyone else what i am going through. I wish I was completely normal and untainted. Who can i talk to about this? Is there a support group? I don't want to lose my job or undo all the hard work but I really do need to talk to someone else about all this, it's scary as hell facing all this now. I'm sorry again for putting all this on a bulletin board. You are all so kind but it's not your problem I'm sorry to put it on you. I wish I had gone anonymous.

nannyk, that is what this is for, vvvqv wouldn't have expected to start this thread, for people to tell their experiences then just go off and hide...don't apologise..stop that right now! If you can't tell anyone else, then tell us, we will support as much as we can.

The drink is a vicious cycle...you think it will make it better, but it just brings your nightmares ot the forefront...

If you need to see a councelor get in touch with your gp, they can refer...I am sorry but i don't know of any way of contacting support groups, but someone will be here soon to help.

Sending lots & lots of {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

I'm sending lots of hugs too, I'm so sorry and horrified for the awful stories on here.

I don't know anything about support groups but it does sound a really positive start. I hope someone comes on here with a better knowledge.

I'm sorry girls I really am. I wish I could help more or have a cup of tea with you but I'm sitting here in my nightie not much use to you. Please try to draw some strength from these messages, I was never hurt when I was younger and I want to put my arms around all of you who were and try to help in some way.

I hope this thread goes further, I don't know where but there is too much hurt on here to disappear into nowhere.

ssd x x x

Changed, you have a 'proper' relationship with your son. Best of luck to you, and everyone else. x

I just wanted to say I've not read all the posts but I have chills and I want to say how brave everyone has been for posting their experiences.

I don't think I realised how commonplace it seems to be, I'm so sorry for what's happened to you and I admire you all so much for how you live your lives, truly I admire you.

I've put myself in some terrible situations, been blind drunk, got in cabs with guys I hadn't known long, the usual student stuff. I went to a works event when I was about 21 and the senior partner kept pouring booze down my throat. I don't even remember arriving at his house, only waking up in his bed and realising that I'd either peed myself or he'd ejaculated. I had passed out. I remember waking, sitting bolt upright and asking "you came inside me?" He just nodded and rolled over.

My wonderful boyfriend was raped by his mate, plied with booze, left confused, aching. Years later, his 'mate' still doesn't acknowledge it.

All power to everyone who keeps going, keep living your lives and enjoy the families you have.

Bless everyone.

sorry to put this thread to the top again, just wanted to type my little bit out,

When I was 14 a car with 4 men in it stopped alongside me as I was walking home one night, they tried to drag through the back passenger window into the car, thank god a passerby saw what was happening and grabbed my arm and pulled me back, they then chased the men off, I still panic over what could have happened, I never reported it and now wish I did.

DP was raped as he walked home from school aged 8, a man dragged him down some alleyways, afterwards DP had to ask him to show him home as DP couldn't remember how to get back.

my sister - reported but semi dismissed as they had been doing drugs

me, unreported. I was 19, pissed & high as a kite and I'd slept with him before- I never thought anyone would believe me and I thought I was stupid for letting it happen and not being "cool" enough to want casual sex with someone I disliked. Jeez I am the 893rd person to add to this thread. I don't know what to say.

it depends on how you define rape, but by my definition it happened twice.

calebsmum, your story breaks my heart.

the thought of a wee boy who has been raped having to ask the rapist how to get home is awful.

maybe cos I've got an 8 yr old who is fighting with me to walk home himself from school but is only a wee boy still.

bump

Message withdrawn

Hi, I'm new and just caught up on this one. In answer to the original question. Yes - unreported - I was 16 and the circumstances were complicated and messy, involving father of a friend, and I felt both guilty and deeply frightened of potential consequences, so I stayed silent.

I wanted to add in a couple of other considerations.

For those who still find themselves listening for the sound of footsteps... I suggest books/audio by Peter Levine (Healing Trauma and It Won't Hurt Forever). Unlike 'conventional' counselling or 'talking therapies' the approach is body-based - recognising that sexual abuse/rape impacts on us physically as well as emotionally and that the 'trauma' is held in the body. Also effective for survivors of other physical abuse such as domestic violence.

For those with concerns about dds (I have dss) I suggest martial arts or defence classes (I'd recommend these to any woman, actually) - good for confidence, develops strong personal boundaries, useful skills etc.

I agree with those mns who see the underlying issue as one of power/abuse of power.

Webcrone - the Levine book 'Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma' is great isn't it? It was recommended to me when I first went into therapy and since then I've passed it on to other people as it is useful for ANY kind of trauma. My first copy went to an ex-soldier re army abuse. Great idea about self-defence - do you know what age children can start?

Hi Murphee - I'm quite a fan of Peter Levine's work and agree, useful for dealing with any trauma.

Self-defence/martial arts - starting age varies but we have local classes that take kids from 4 upwards. I think the martial arts (and I'd include Tai Chi in this category) are happier to take younger kids than self-defence.

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