This is a VERY sensitive subject, I know, but I am curious to know just how big a problem this is

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

How many people on here have been assaulted/raped and have either reported or not reported it?

I found out that the conviction rate rapes was just 6% . 6% of reported rapes. There are many many many more that go unreported. I want to know roughly what kind of figure we are looking at. Please change your name if need be, but do post.....

I'll start..

Me - unreported.

VVVQV
I think you are right. Looking back, I was exactly the same as a child.

nannyk - he was the adult. You didnt 'let' him do anything hun. This is why I think they choose their 'victims', rather than the victim not taking appropriate action.

Your caring, nurturing, thoughtful, giving nature, which are all entirely commendable traits, have been abused as much as your physicalness. That is what makes this so doubly awful.

It's precisely my caring, nurturing, etc nature that made me choose to be a nanny and (even if I do say so myself) I am pretty good at it. I just cannot get my head round the fact that my personality made me such an obvious and willing victim of such horrible abuse IYSWIM. Two sides of the coin.

oh nannyk its not your fault hun. There are some wicked, vile people(?) out there.

Yes there are. Far too many. Sometimes I think I would like to move to the middle of nowhere and live in a log cabin with 20 cats!!! But then I go on a board like MN where no one knows me, and I tell my story, and hear so many other similar ones, and I feel a huge sense of not being alone and not wanting to be alone. I think this thread has opened many cans of worms, but maybe that is no bad thing. It's about time all this was swept out from under the carpet.

Nannyk and VVVQV, yes, I think that our personalities (and how we were expected/encouraged to behave) play a large part in our vulnerability to abuse. Definitely so in my case. Respecting adults, but with no self-respect, because I didn't realise I deserved such a thing for myself, as a child.

Children just did what they were told or suffered the consequences in our house. Smacking for misdemeanours, as well as angry words and sulky silence to punish us. Looking back, it was never a warm and loving home environment. Praise was NEVER used, because that might make children big headed.

From an early age, I wanted to be a nurse and look after people, because that is what nice people did. Afraid to say 'no' when asked to do something because the person asking wanted me to say 'yes'. Pleasing people the whole time to be accepted, not realising that I was worth loving for myself. That was reinforced when those who should have protected me, stuck up for me, just let the abuse happen and turned a blind eye.

Have you come across that poem which has a line saying something like 'when a child lives with critiscm, he learns to condemn'? Think I must be the living proof of that as well.

I do a different job now, but people used to say I was a lovely nurse

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn;
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight;
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy;
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty;
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient;
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence;
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate;
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice;
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith;
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself;
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to
find love in the world.
--Dorothy Law Holte

Thank you for taking the time to type that, magicfarawaytree. It is worth remembering the positive things too.

nannyk, can I just ask (hope I don't upset you) did iyt not occur to your mum/dad that as your grandad was abusing your sister, then he may be doing it to you too? Sorry if you have already said about this, but I have read so much of this thread (and posted anon) that I can't recall.

I'd like to think that if 1 of my chldren spoke out I would keep ALL my children away from the source?

Sandcastles, that's a good question and one I have thought about a lot. When my sister told my parents, social services, the police etc what was going on, i too was questioned extensively. But I denied EVERYTHING. I sat there and looked everyone in the eye and denied anyhting had happened to me. because, in my mind, if I became his sole focus then my sister would be free from the abuse and that's all that mattered. My parents were divorced at this point, and my sister and brother and I went to stay at Dads house at weekends. My brother and I would often spend a night at our grandparents during the weekend. My sister would stay at Dads with our stepsister who was the same age as her.

Our grandfather was not convicted on any charges of abuse as there was not (and I cringe and regret this hugely) sufficient evidence ie it was my sisters word against his. There was physical evidence of a long ago torn hymen (sorry if TMI) but that could not be put down to a sexual act specifically. Had I spoken up he would have gone to jail probably. But that was 15 years ago and now we have all moved on. he's got his justice in a weird kind of way, the suffering he's going through now is immense and horrific and will not in itself kill him quickly, but he will die and sooner rather than later. I take some comfort from that.

I don't blame mum or dad for letting me continue to see him.

I do blame myself somewhat.

This is so awful.

I've started a thread here to think about how we can perhaps arm ourselves with this terrible knowledge to protect the next generation.

It didn't seem right to discuss that on here, but I would be interested to hear other views.

Welliemum, there have been a few spin off threads, so I dont know how much of a response you will get, but in answer to your post in general, I honestly believe that there is little point in "coaching" children and women not to be victims. This perpetuates the very myth that a victim is somehow culpable for what happened because they feel they could have done somethign differently. I think the very best we can do is show women and children that it is worthwhile speaking out if they have been/feel threatened with abuse/attacked.

I also think that the way to deal with this is to make offenders and abusers realise that there are consequences for their own actions - abuse and rape is ALL about the offenders actions - NOT the victims. If the report rate and `conviction rate was increased, I believe this would serve as a good deterrent for many cases.

If reporting was increased, and therefore conviction rates, offenders behaviour could be caught 'early' and 'nipped in the bud'. It is my understanding that offenders start off by carrying out 'low grade' offences. If we can halt them at this point, then, I feel this would make a HUGE difference.

Also, if they were caught sooner, then they wont have further opportunity to carry out more offences. I think a statistic I read somewhere was that an offender/abuser on average has carried out up to 40 offences before being caught.

VVVQV, I take your point about the "coaching". It would be awful to convey the impression that the victim is at fault for not having done xyz. I think the drinking issue is especially difficult in that way.

Thinking about it, increasing reporting rates would increase the number of convictions even if the percentage of convictions stayed the same (ie shockingly low); 6% of 1000 reported rapes still means a lot more people put away than 6% of 100 reported rapes.

But it seems to me, from the figures you quote, that there would actually be a snowball effect, because if one person is abusing many people, and they all independently report it, the case against that person would be very strong, so hopefully the conviction rate would improve too.

So how to increase reporting rates?

nannyk, thank you for answering that. I see now why your parents let you carry on seeing your grandad. I am sorry that you felt you had no option but to let him carry on & hide the abuse, what a terrible burden.

I don't think you are to blame AT ALL. You did what you did when you were still a child, logic doesn't come into play when you are that age.

NannyK
At risk of being shot at, and you know a bit of my background, I have to say i think your parents are very very wrong. I would not give a monkeys who said what and who didnt. Think about it....you have 2 children, 1 says that something happened and the other outright denys it. Would you then say "Oh ok then - off you trot to Grandads". Didnt think so. get this blame off of your head my darling.

As you can tell - yesterday was weeping weak and pathetic day. Today is fight fight fight day

I also think that coaching our children to be confident in themselves enough to say no and look someone in the eye is good coaching. Whether it is bullying, abuse or just making a life decision. I also tell my beautiful DD that if there is anything she feels to hard to handle or difficult to say no to (peer pressure) to talk to me and I wont judge her but listen to her - she usually comes up with a solution by herself.

VVV - didnt mean to be cross and shout yesterday - sorry

good grief this thread has made me cry
nothing like this ever happened to me.
i feel so lucky
i am so frightened for dd now.

i have read the books by Paul Britton that suggest how flashers mecome stalkers become rapists become sexual murderers

if the police could see this thread and have access to this information i wonder if any would cross-match their details

except the police wouldnt care god i feel so disheartened and angry for you all

you are so brave to post your stories. maybe somone will think twice before getting into a risky situation, or feel empowered to report a crime.

i thought about changing my name but many people know anyway.

me - reported 6 weeks later, case still open but no evidence/id nothign they could do.

it was someone i didnt know, i had been flirting, i believed it was my fault, i was 14 years old, became pregnant and had an abortion, which i have since regretted but know it was probably for the best.

i have come to terms with what happened to me, it wasnt my fault and there was nothing i could have done about it, but it has led me on the path which i now follow and without my past i wouldnt have met my dh or had my dd, so for my past (however much it can hurt me sometimes) i am thankful that i have such a wonderful present!

stacey

that is the right way to look at it.

you are strong, lady

thank you. im sat with my dd on my lap hoping she will never have to go through anything like this. despite how i can now look at it it ruins many lives forever. it would have ended mine if i hadnt been found every time i slit my wrists or took an overdose, but im still here and happy now! i hope some of you ladies can put your experiences to rest, you dont realise how much its hurting you until you let it go.

my dd is on my lap too.

they are the future

we have to love them and empower them

and let them go.

yeah i know, im gunna find that so hard, but hopefully from a generation of women who have suffered so much and understand it was wrong we can teach them to protect themselves, and if they cant do that protect others by speaking out.

MSTG - no need to apologise, really .

Have read the start of this, but there are really just too many posts, and it makes me so very sad

Assualted aged 10/11 in a locked toilet on a train by 16/17 Y/O family friend. Not reported cos I didnt really realise it was so wrong. Even forgot it for many years

Raped by "boyfriend" aged 13. Not reported cos I was out after curfew and felt it was probably my fault

I like to believe that if anything like that happened now I would be stronger and report it