This is a VERY sensitive subject, I know, but I am curious to know just how big a problem this is

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

How many people on here have been assaulted/raped and have either reported or not reported it?

I found out that the conviction rate rapes was just 6% . 6% of reported rapes. There are many many many more that go unreported. I want to know roughly what kind of figure we are looking at. Please change your name if need be, but do post.....

I'll start..

Me - unreported.

Catsm..Interesting point you make about the 'minor' assaults. Since I posted earlier I thought of another couple of things that happened to me one of which resulted in me punching a guy in the face. I used to play a lot of volleyball and was deceptively strong. How many of you think that self defence techniques would have helped you. I know those of you who were drunk would probably not have been able to use self defence but the other posters may have a view.

Would you enrole your DDs in self defence or martial arts programmes?

A job I used to do involved visiting people's places of business and homes on my own and we had some safety awareness training. I only once felt threatened.

Message withdrawn

There is a German community - mostly women, some men - I lurk on and dh posts on that would probably be the best place.
Could you CAT me, VVV?

one of the things i still struggle with is the fact that i was no longer a virgin at 11 months old, as i was a abused many times by many people i still have flashbacks but the worst thing is when one of my children reaches one of the ages that i was abused it really hits me, i often used to beat myself up with the fact that i could/should have stopped it, but then when i look at my three year old and ask myself if she would/could stop something like that from happening then i know i was not to blame if that makes sense.

Again the stories both in volume and content is still shocking.

I have thought so much about this subject since being on this thread. About my experience, its impact and how common it is. Firstly I'd like to show you a song that for me really sums up how I felt at the time and I wanted to share it:

Dido - Honestly OK

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day, if I felt safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin and I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again.

Secondly, I know The Sun newspaper isn't everyone's cup of tea but they have kicked off a Sun Woman's Stop Rape Now Campaign to raise awareness and change people's attitudes etc and have petition on their website www.thesun.co.uk/rapepetition - it basically calls for a victim helpline and increased support and facilities for victims. I think given what's been discussed on this thread, then this is all something we should help campaign for.

Will do FIT.

Sfsl - I cant even begin to imagine how you feel, to be so disempowered before you were even sentient. Sounds like you have triumphed through adversity already.

Batters, self defence is great. Well worth doing, absolutely. But, the largest part of being overpowered, is, IMO, the pyschological side, and that will only come with awareness and education from a young age, and, prevention more focussed on the offenders, rather than the victim.

I think the fact that it is deemed "acceptible" or "a fact of life" is largely the problem here. I would rather people went overboard with sexual PCness and had less sex because of it, than for things to stay as they are. If men/boys know that they will be dealt with for "overstepping the mark" then they will be less likely to offend in the first place. If they knew what drove them to behave that way, then they will be less likely to offend. IMO.

Has anyone seen the story today of the mother who beat her 7 year old child after hearing him make an inappropriate comment to a 5 year old girl and feared he might turn into a rapist so tried to beat it out of him. Needless to say the woman was reported by the childs father.

Have only read a few posts, but just wanted to say to sadforsolong, your childhood is shocking and my heart goes out to you, I am close to tears reading it

And this whole thread scares me to death, there are so many of you, it makes me worry for my children even more, for when the time comes that they are too old to be locked in the garden to play and I have to let them venture further afield.

Waterfalls...

There are many things I could say, in an attempt to be reassuring, but, I dont think I could put it across in the right way, so I wont try. I think as long as you teach your children the importance of speaking out, and not talking to strangers you will be doing the very best you can.

the problem i have in empowering my kids is that one of my DD's has a learning disability and is not able to communicate she is approching teenage years and starting to develop but she is so vunerable it is very scary

Me - unreported
VVVQV has proven to be the greatest help and restored my faith in humanity. I read her traumatic experiences which then helped me to release a cork that has put my emotions on hold since my experience. It took me a while but I managed to write it all down and sent it to VVVQV. She is the first person to ever know the truth about what happened. I am now sleeping properly at night and my sparkle is returning!!I now know it wasn't my fault but I felt stupid for letting it happen.

It does help to let it all out tiggy.

Very recently a very good and trusted friend spent some time with me, somewhere comfortable and safe and just let me talk. He asked questions when I got stuck and was patient and supportive and although it was really upsetting and difficult, afterwards I felt better and lighter. I had been having dreams as if I was there and there was a bit missing - maybe my mind had blocked it out - but because i kept getting stuck at that point my mind kept going back to it iykwim and just having someone there to listen cleared that block and the dreams faded away again. Maybe they will come back but if they do, I know I have someone there who I can trust 100% and he will listen and chase the monsters away.

It seems a regular coping mechanism to put these instances of abuse and trauma into 'a box'.

We know they are there, but choose not to 'take them out of the box'. Something happened, something bad, which is painful and stirs up deep and troubled feelings. We need to get on and live our lives and the box is pushed back to the furthest recesses of our minds so that we can function, move on. For some, therapy is useful - but it means opening the box. However, with a therapist, there is a support to help deal with that. For many more of us, we find some other way of living with the past; blanking it out. But it never, ever goes away, it is there in the subconscious.

Is this why, when we have dared to think and post our experiences, we then remember more things that have happened? We haven't imagined them. It is not false memory, it is suppressed, because we can only deal with so much and would rather we could completely forget it all as if it never happened. Sometimes a comment or a situation brings it all to mind again, doesn't it?

Painful and heartrending as it has been, I cannot keep away from checking this thread. I am believed. I feel safe to confide here. This position of security is what I SHOULD have had from the adults around me in my childhood. When any post has referred to blame on the victim in any way, the anger stirs up in me like a volcano wanting to explode. Then the fury turns to tears of helplessness. I feel I want to lash out at those (family members, dead now) who should have protected me, not made me feel like my thoughts and feelings counted for nothing.

in reading through these posts I cannot help but feel an affinity with all who have posted. For the first time I have dared to feel proud of being part of a group of survivors rather that ashamed of being one of a statistic. It feels to me like an I am spartacus moment. I know that is a cliche and this also a bit ridiculous. I dont think I am ariticulating what I want to say very well. But I hope it make sense.

My heart is pounding already & I havn't got to the 'post message' button - but something, and I don't know what, is making me feel compelled to post my full story here as opposed to the snippets I have already given.

My abuser was my father. I can't be sure how old I was when it started but definately before my 5th birthday. Stopped when I was 9.

I was abused every Sunday afternoon for most of the period - In the garden shed, or in the car at the park. Sometimes in between times too. By the time it ended I felt I was actively going to him for abuse 'because it was Sunday afternoon'.

I was shown porn - including his commentry. I was touched. He had a 'homemade' sex toy which to this day I could describe in graphic detail. He would culimate with him mastabating. When I was little I used to think his wee was white. He used to push the 'toy' in so far that it would hurt. He told me that was good & it was supposed to. I remember many of the generalisations that I have just described. I remember vivid & specific details of just a handful of occassions.

A friend (who had been in the car at the park) shouted across the street "have you told your mum yet?". I was taken inside in tears until I told an appropriate lie to satisfy my mum. Eventually the friend told her parents directly. Police SS etc. were involved. I told them it wasn't all true. But admitted to a single 'minor' occasion.

Why didn't I admit to more? I didn't want my mum to have to live without him. I didn't want the embaressment of grandparents, uncles aunts etc. knowing. At this point the abuse stopped. I was bullied at secondary school as a result though.

When I was doing my GCSEs (16) a figure cam into my bedroom in the middle of the night. I froze. He put his hand under the duvet. He asked if it was OK. I said no so he left.

When I was 19/20 (had left home), he tried to enter the room I was saying in when I visited but I had 'barred it'. I dread to think what would have happened had I not barred the door.

How has this affected me since then? I was banned from talking to the friend that reported it & her family (by my parents). I am petrified walking alone at night. I don't like answering the door when I am in the house alone. I won't say 'no' to DP in case he ignores me (i.e. if I don't say no he won't be in a position where he can rape me IYSWIM). I was petrified that he had damaged me physically and that I wouldn't be able to acheive my one ambition in life - bearing children. I hated taing DDs to see him (but felt obliged for mothers sake). When I was clearing his house after his death I was petrified of finding 'the sex toy'.

There is probably a lot more I could say - but I think I will stop there.

BTW VVQV for your stats. I eluded to 5 boys I knew that were abused as boys. It is actually 6. They were all abused by the same person (there were about 12-14 boys in total). He was convicted - got 7 years I think. - I wonder whether that was in part because of the number of victims that could all give evidence. i.e. 14 against 1, not 1 against 1.

Was v.young (18) living overseas, alone. Got to know a local guy over a few weeks, got very, very drunk one night and didn't want it to happen but it did anyway. Was pressured, whilst v.drunk into allowing it to happen. When it was over the bastard made me take a cold shower and just stood there watching me until he was satisfied that I was clean. Remember feeling very confused, degraded, dirty, freaked out for a very long time. Was I 'raped', I don't know. I suppose it depends on the definition. He shouldn't have done what he did though and that's all that needs to be said really. I was young, naive, drunk, alone and had very little confidence or self estemme. It has just become one of those crindgesome memories of that horrible part of my life which I am glad is over.

I'm so, so sad for your experiences on this thread. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. At the same time it's a comfort to me that I'm not the only one with ugly memories like this.

Tiggly - bless you! Im glad you are feeling a bit better about it, and posting in your name too. You have been really brave in taking steps to deal with it.

Being able to talk about it, with no worry of being judged, makes a HUGE difference IMO.

Sadly and ashamed....lovely posts.

Thnka you vvq for raising such an important subject. something I could never have dared to have done but that was very much needed.

I feel like shouting 'I am spartacus' at the top of my voice. I dont know how long this feeling will last but I am grateful for just being able to feel this feeling, having struggled to feel any emotion intensely, other than anger, for a very long time.

Hello Justaname

Just read your post and I don't no what to say other than I am so utterly sad that you had to go through that. No child should ever have to. Did you ever seek/were given counciing to help you come to terms with it? You sound like a together, articulate woman and the fact that you can talk about it shows such strength of character. You should be so proud of yourself, for geting on in life and having those children that you wanted so much, despite what happened to you.

I don't know what to say other than I'm sending you a hug and a look of respect.
x x x x x

although self defense techniques would obviously help to make women feel safer i don't think they'd prevent any of this from happening. unfortunately men are physically stronger and often the victim is already at a disadvantage ie; drunk, asleep, a child

i consider myself quite a capable person, well able to stand up for myself and defend myself in a fight but it did me no good. when he tried to force me to give him a bj i bit him, he slamed my head against the wall and raped me instead to this day i can still feel the cold wet ground of the alley underneath me as i sobbed.

i was a virgin before this, had been 'saving' myself for someone special unlike so many of my friends, ironic really. i became the town slapper afterwards as i figured if they could take it anyway what was the point in saying no?

i just pray mu dd never has to experiance the fear and shame i did, and that my son grows up to be one of the good ones.

one of the main reasons i fell in love with my dp was the fact that the first time we slept together he asked me was i sure i wanted to, i was drunk and he didn't want to take advantage of me and have me regret it in the morning, he must have asked me 10 times 'are you sure your ok?' more proof that the old line about men being unable to control themselves is pure bull

Ashamed, keep shouting it. It will help reinforce it . When you feel a bit better, change your name from ashamed, to something that suits you better.

JustaName, that must have very hard. Well done for clicking the "post message" button. It must have been an exhausting decision.

PinkTulips, I agree with what you say about defence. I utterly understand and empathise about the change in behaviour for the purpose of self preservation. Its quite a common reaction, it seems.