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Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
PeachyClairHasBadHair · 28/09/2006 10:32

Have replied kelly, but it's great- you should have no problems.

Sunnysideup · 28/09/2006 13:25

been thinking of you and your kids today kelly....

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 28/09/2006 19:07

Hi everyone. thanks for thinking of us. I've not long got home and got the dts in bed. The meeting went on for hours. It went really well though. dd and ds1 are to be placed on the register for the reason of physical abuse. The dts are not. I am very pleased that they are satisfied with my parenting and have dropped the neglect thing. so overall I am very happy with the outcome. Dp will soon be allowed to start rebuilding his relationship with the older children, and lots of different ideas have been discussed about how that can be managed. I'm a bit concerned about how we will be able to organise it, as they have now started talking about waiting lists and funds, so I am a bit concerned as to whether the help will materialise. They want to hold regular reviews but are unsure whether the funds are available for chuildminding, so I don't know how that is gonna work! I am completely exhausted now, and off to slob in front of the tv for a bit then get an early night.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 28/09/2006 19:19

That sounds ver y positive Kelly, it is a sad fact that funds are limited, hopefully you won't have top wait too long, as regards the reviews are there any family members who could look after the kids (I presume dt's only if the others are at school) I don't know how your area ssd's work but wher I am based if there is an issue with child care ,if they are too young to understand and no risk of violence they can sit in or on occasion a sw assistant has acted as child minder whilst the review has been conducted,
it is important to have a regular review so everyone is up to date with what is happenning it also allows for a change of support if the initial package of support does not do what it should.

frumpygrumpy · 28/09/2006 19:46

I'm glad it went well Kelly, you get that early night now, last night was a marathon! I'm sad it comes down to funds - can you quote that back to them if you end up in the same situation a year from now (god forbid Kelly and I'm sure it wouldn'thappen, I'm just amazed they go this far and recognise you need support and then it comes down to "oooh we might not have the funds bu we've got great ideas...."

Sorry, I'm in rant mode . I'm pleased for you really I am and hope this is the beginning of things getting better xx.

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 28/09/2006 20:32

You did well kelly well done

I've been to reviews with little ones there too, they kust get spoiled rotten by the team.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 28/09/2006 23:56

so much for my early night

dt1 is creaming the house down. Is very tired and doesnt even want a bottle. his routine went to pot today. He slept early, so when the cm arrived I had to send him with his lunch and tea. I told her teatime was at 5 and he needed his lunch asap. As she was gettign in the car she announced they were going for a drive. SO he had a late lunch. The meeting overan and nobody told her - I did question it but was told there was no need to call. She drove the kids to mine at 5, then back to hers since I wasn't home then took them to bloody weightwatchers! Left them outside with her chiildren (aged around11 and maybe 13) while she went in. And rav didn't get his tea! I ended up driving to the car park to meet them, and by the time I got him home he was too tired for tea and so he is up screaming. I am not pleased. I realise taht we were late but she is a cm who works a lot with ss, and should have realised this was a possibility. And since she is being paid to look after my kids, I do feel she should have been looking after their needs rather than leaving them in a car park with her girls!

Rant over.

Our new sw said that there is no way the dts could come to any meetings. He said that no work would get done. Which is fair enough but they are going to have to sort out something. Dp's family could possibily help depending on timings, but that means a 40 mile round trip to drop/collect them.

OP posts:
Blu · 29/09/2006 00:01

That's the last thing you need! Poor little lad - I think the CM could have been a bit ore adaptable to what was needed! How long did she leave them in the car for?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 29/09/2006 00:03

I'm really not sure. She said she popped in to get weighed. I jsut don't think it is right, I wouldn't leave somebody elses children in my car. I feel a bit like complaining, but the children love her and it is possible that we may continue to use her.

OP posts:
Blu · 29/09/2006 00:22

I don't think it's acceptable for a CM to leave babies in a car like that, but then she wasn't expecting to still have them by then, was she? Tricky. I think you would need to make things very clear fofr next time though, and I do thnk she should have give dt his lunch straight away, like you said. Nothing's ever simple, is it?
But don't fret about it now - get some sleep!

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 29/09/2006 00:24

Oh I will, once rav stops pounding on his cot! I am tempted to take him into bed with me, but dont want to start bad habits.
I think maybe I do jsut need to be firmer about their routines. It's jsut annoying because I even gave her their tea in case it overran and she went to weightwatchers instead.

OP posts:
PeachyClairHasBadHair · 29/09/2006 15:35

Hmmm, I used to take all my three (and one is SN) to myWW weigh ins

KellyKrueger1978 · 01/10/2006 17:12

Update
---

Followign the suggestions made at the conference, dd, ds and I met dp for lunch yesterday. The children were very excited at the prospect. I think the break and being listened to has made them feel safer and more secure and they were happy with the idea of meeting up. When we met up they were a bit wary at first. We sat down and DP told them how sorry he was, and that he had been wrong and that it was never going to happen again. Soon, they settled and were all over him. It was a really nice lunch. DP relaxed and played with them. Normally he gets quite stressed if they run about or get too noisy, worrying about what other people think. Then the best thing was, after a couple of hours there, we were gettign ready to leave when a group of ppl who were there without children came over and told us what beautifully behaved children we had! It was the most amazing thing to happen, because it helped dp to realise that they don't have to just sit like miniture adults to be well behaved.

It was a very positive start, thopugh I knwo we have a long way to go. We are gonna be taking it slowly though, working with dd and ds, then building up to spending time with all four again.

Sunnysideup · 01/10/2006 18:01

oh, how lovely to hear that kelly!

Have to say, you are dealing with this in absolute textbook fashion, I really admire what you are doing.

Hope it continues to go well.

MarsLady · 01/10/2006 18:26

That sounds wonderful Kelly. I'm really pleased. Are you eating babe? And how's your sleeping?

CaptainDippy · 01/10/2006 19:22

Wonderful news Kelly - have been praying fory ou honey!

KellyKrueger1978 · 01/10/2006 23:35

thanks

mars, I slept for 11 hours last night! I think yesterday was a turning point. It is so good to have something positive happen that we can build upon.

MarsLady · 01/10/2006 23:41

Fab! Now GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kisses

frumpygrumpy · 02/10/2006 14:01

Just read your update Kelly, thats great, a start from a strong place .

KellyKrueger1978 · 03/10/2006 15:55

bloody social services

our allocated sw was supposed to visit on the fri aft the conference never did. I got a missed call froma piravate number today so guessed it was him and called back. He isn't coming til this fri aft.
We had a chat and I explained I was having difficulty makign arrangements for ds to have his eeg. With travel time and the length of the appointment its gonna be 6 hours and I can't take any other children with me. He told me taht it isn't ss job to provide childminding and I needed to sort it out with family/friends. But we don't have family or friends we can rely on for childcare, that is partly how we got in this mess in the first place!
No mention of any of the other support that was promised and I get the distinct impression that he wants to get dp back here asap so that he can help and they don't have to. I feel really pissed off, why put us through three weeks of hell just to forget about us!

KellyKrueger1978 · 03/10/2006 15:56

I've called the eeg ppl and told them I can only make mon or fri at 11 so that I can leave the twins with dp family and I jsut am gonna have to hope taht I get back in time to pick dd.

frumpygrumpy · 03/10/2006 20:41

Aw Kelly, thats crap. Maybe you've answered this before but does your HV have info on SureStart/HomeStart? Can she suggest anything - it just needs to be temporary to get you through this short while. Can DPs family help with the DTs and would anyone from your DDs school collect her for a playdate? Failing that MN in your area?? Long shot.....

CaptainDippy · 03/10/2006 21:30

Where are you Kelly????

devondoris · 04/10/2006 08:34

Kelly, I've just caught up from a week ago. I'm so pleased that you had such a good time with DP and the kids with lunch. That's soooo wonderful. Actually made me smile for this first time going through your thread. Brilliant, brilliant!

Not so brilliant about the childminding though. FGs idea about Homestart is good - I'm getting lots of help from them starting next week, and they're giving me extra when DH goes back off to London to work after his leave and until Xmas - which they've said they don't really have the funding for but they're going to do it anyway as it's short term and I think I looked a bit desperate. Also my HV has offered support on non-Homestart days. Come and move to Devon and get some better Health Professionals with a bit more time and funding! (And you could teach me to cook too!!!)

Another thought I had was whether there were any charities around your area who may be able to help? Not sure where to get started on that one, but will have a look later once I've done stories, breakfast and school!

You're doing brilliantly, my lovely. Keep that good lunch in mind! xxxxx Doris

devondoris · 04/10/2006 12:26

Hi again, Kelly, I've not got very far with charity searching, but I did manage to get Barnado's number and they offer support to families and children who need it - 020 8550 8822, and Childline 0800 1111. I wondered if they might actually know of a more local charity to where you are who may be able to help out, even if they can't help themsleves. Will keep looking! xxx doris

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