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Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 20/09/2006 14:16

Hi Kelly, just popped in to say hello.

frumpygrumpy · 20/09/2006 21:06

I'm guessing its not been a good day so far.......we'll catch up as soon as......

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 21/09/2006 12:42

Hi, sorry haven't posted. The police interview actually went really well. I managed to put my side across and a bit of defence of dp and I feel that I have done what I needed to do for the children's sakes. The dectective said that she didn't think it was likely at all that it would go to court.

then it all went to pot! I had phoen calls from my HV and the school nurse who need to do reports for the conference and sot he dts totally trashed the house. (This is why I don't make phone calls!...) It took me an hour to clear up what they had destroyed in about 20 mins then we went to pick up dd about ten minutes late and I thoughtt sod it, and stayed out until 7!

I got a letter this morning abour the case conference. I'm starting to feel slightly pissed off and that they are overeacting a bit. It says the children are being considered on the basis of abuse (rough handling, I suppose) and neglect. The neglect bit mainly seems to come fromt he fact that their jabs aren't up to date and ds is slightly aneamic and I feel that this is an overeaction. I feel liek screaming at them, they try to looka fter four kids and see how it is.

I feel a crap mum atm too, because I know I should have got the jabs sorted and soem other things like dd's eye test etc. It always seems like one thing after another though. I realised I forogt to tellt hem that dd spent the year before last constantly throwing up. I can't even make a bloody phone call without the twins trashing the palce. I seem to be getting stuck into endless rounds of taxi-ing children about and housework, then studyt on top and no time to DO anything. I had prepped an activity for the older two the day before yest, and we didn't get chance to do it til 7pm because it took so long to get the boys sorted and cleared up.

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant, feel free to ignore!

OP posts:
Notquitesotiredmum · 21/09/2006 12:54

Kelly

I haven't posted on this thread before as I don't know you, but have been following it and just wanted to add a note of support. I think that you are amazing looking after four kiddies and coping with all of this as well. I am sure that no-one will want to ignore your post - you are very very entitled to have a rant. It is what MN is for.

Very best wishes

sandyballs · 21/09/2006 13:10

Blimey, jabs not up to date is NOT neglect. If it was it would apply to well over 50% of us on here, I bet.

I have been following this, but not posting, and I have read other threads of yours Kelly and you sound a wonderful mum and I really hope this all sorts itself out very soon and your family is back together.

I have twins, but no other children, and I found it incredibly hard when they were small and trashing the place, like you've just described. To think of having older children and studying at the same time sounds extremely stressful.

ScummyMummy · 21/09/2006 13:10

Hey kelly. That's really good news about the police interview going well. Good on you- sounds like you handled it really brilliantly.

You know what? I imagine that it is absolutely totally horrible seeing things like 'abuse' and 'neglect' referring to your children written down in black and white. I'm not surprised you are gutted- i would be v upset too.

I think key things to remember are that:

  1. these are things that are being considered re your kids. No one has definitely decided anything yet. It's just that these are the issues being brought to the table, iyswim. This conference will be about everyone deciding what is the best way forward for your family in terms of any risks detected and any support needs identified.

  2. these are very very very shocking words to most people. But to social services they are different- they are both everyday words and spectrum words. This means that social workers may sometimes genuinely forget or not let themselves remember the massive impact these words can have, imo. They may be referring to a situation they feel is mildly concerning with a word that to them is routine. They may merely be using the mandatory language of child protection because that is the context they are working in, not because they have serious worries.

Parents, on the other hand, conclude that if words like neglect and abuse are used things are being viewed as extremely serious and they are likely to be horrified, understandably.

Hang in there, Kelly. You are absolutely NOT a crap mum. Jabs can be caught up on at any time. Twins are hard work. People on the committee will know these things. You really need to be kind to yourself. You can and will get through this, I am sure. Look at how you have jumped each hurdle, step by step, doing everything asked of you- not for social services, not for the police but for your children. That is the mark of a brilliant mum, imo.

JennyLee · 21/09/2006 13:11

I think they are overreacting too, me and my dh have been very upset for you. i think you are coping very well under the circumstances. I hope it does not go to court.
I mean things like jabs can be re arranged and caught up with, that is not exactly neglect. I am glad you posted , was worried about you.

Jimjams2 · 21/09/2006 13:13

the jabs thing is a standard question on all SS assessments I think-- it was on ds1's care assessment, the fact that his weren't didn't matter. Remember jabs aren't mandatory in the UK, so they can't hang you on that one.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 21/09/2006 13:21

I was wondering that jimjams. It was beginning to feel like I HAD to get it done, and in view of ds's sn there is no way I want him to have the MMR, htough I am happy for the others to have it. With ds having sn, I am really worried that it could cause additional problems, probably irrational, but not a risk I want to take.

Thanks, scummymummy, that really helps. The sw is visiting 2n and I will try not to scream at her.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 21/09/2006 13:27

Hope the visit goes well.

Jimjams2 · 21/09/2006 13:33

I think if you say that then they can't really accuse you of not thinking of the children. Perhaps download some info so you can show you've read around. If you type ARU sunderland into google you'll get some useful info. And also "autism one" then look for presentations and you can find Wakefield's latest.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 21/09/2006 13:36

will do that, thanks jj. I jsut get a mouthful from them usually, about how I WANT ds to get measles and go deaf, etc. It is very upsetting.

OP posts:
Blu · 21/09/2006 13:45

Kelly - I agree with everything Scummy says.
Yu're doing well, don't forget that, however tough it must be. You are doing very very well indeed.
XXX

frumpygrumpy · 21/09/2006 14:18

Hi Kelly, glad you posted. My god 'life' has to take place around all these things and you can't just pop all 4 into the car and nip in for a jab, it takes time and precision planning. AND you're right, its up to you anyway!!!

The DTs can be a whirlwind in the house and it takes an age to do anything while they are about. Its exactly as you say, if you leave them for a moment, they enourage each other to do all sorts.

(Mine today were eating lunch one minute and the next they had fistsfulls of pasta and were dancing to a song up and down the kitchen and screaming in delight at how much mess the other one made. Cups of milk were spilled 3 times. It all takes time and an awful lot of energy.)

You're doing just fine, keep doing it, keep faith in yourself. We'd tell you otherwise xx.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 25/09/2006 22:00

I've jsut had a shit eve. DP came round. He not really supposed to be here. Well, strictly speaking he is allowed no contact with ds1 or dd. He came round for a few hours after they went to bed. It did not go well. He just got really depressed that he can't stay and is saying that he can't cope with all this and I am really worried about him.
We were hopi9ng to hear from the police today, but I guess all the reports aren't in, because we haven;t heard back. So he has that hanging over, and is convinced that ss are going to split us up. He hates being away and really is not coping well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 25/09/2006 22:37

.

OP posts:
MamaGoingToStickWithThis · 25/09/2006 22:41

Kelly, you're doing brilliantly, but it is probably for the best if you tell DP he can not come round again until he is "allowed". SS may think you were putting your children at risk by letting him come over and that you weren't putting them first. It's VERY difficult but I'd hate for you to lose them - sorry you had such a bad night. x

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 25/09/2006 22:45

prob is best all round. I don't see how ss would find out, as the dkids have not seen him and were asleep before he got here. But it hasnt helped at all, because it jsut made him more depressed. I am so worried about him though. He got back to his, and didn't even call, just texted and went to sleep. I've spoke to his bro who said he came home grumpy and went straight to bed. I feel like I am trying to balance him and the kids and not doing anyone any favours.

OP posts:
fattiemumma · 25/09/2006 22:45

Kely im so sorry this hasn't been resolved yet.

Maybe you could get back in touch with your SW and ask whats happening. explain that your family is missing each other and that daddy wants to come home and the children miss him.

But i think that until there is a resolution it really is best if he doesn't come round. if one of the children mentions that theyhave seen daddy it could look bad.

I know this is incredibly difficult but you need to think long term...i am certain that this wil sort itself out.

MamaGoingToStickWithThis · 25/09/2006 22:47

don't risk it kelly, its not worth it, really sad for you and your family and I'm hoping for a positive outcome for you all.....I posted earlier on teh thread - am a lawyer who deals with care cases and its amazing what SS do find out. I'm not criticising you though, I think you're doing extremely well xxx

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 25/09/2006 22:49

i feel so frustrated. as usual, he has gone to bed (could sleep thru ww3), and I am sat up worrying. tbh He is prob slightly pissed off that I didnt want to sleep with him. Just don't feel like it with everything going on. That prob makes him sound selfish, but it is allt he other stuff really playing on his mind, I think he needs the reasurance. How did everything turn into such a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 25/09/2006 22:51

hmm, now I am worried! How do they find out? We haven;t been told he cant come here, so strictly speaking it isn't breaking rulkes, but it is bending them in a big way. I wasn't so bothered, nearly told him not to come, but I'm trying to keep him stable too!

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 25/09/2006 22:58

Hi Kelly - have only just seen this thread. So sorry I havent posted you before. Unfortunately I have been in a similar situation. Ds was taken by SS when he was a year old. Back with me now but a very harrowing expereince. Can I help in anyway?

xx

MamaGoingToStickWithThis · 25/09/2006 23:02

oh Kelly, I'm sorry, don't worry! Just don't do it again (sorry if I sound like I'm wagging my finger at you). If you do it on a regular basis, you could be in trouble.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 25/09/2006 23:04

Hello awen.

I don't think the children will be taken from me, but i feel increasingly like I have to choose between dp or the children, and I don't want to lsoe either. Was you situation similar?
tbh, I already feel like I am losing the dts in a sense. They are spending a lot of time with dp and his family, because I can't cope with all four on my own. I feel guilty for keep packign them off to his family's home, tho they love being there and his family love having them, cos I jsut feel like I am losing my family.

OP posts: