Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

[Kelly1978]

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

mamag, no fair enough, I would rather be warned than get into trouble! this is a big enough mess as it is! I appreciate the advice.

it feels like if I kicked out dp for good, ss would be happy, but I couldnt cope with four on my own. they aren't happy with dp on the scene tho.

didnt explain myself too well. Ds was removed when i was inpatient with severe PND. Felt like my heart was completely ripped out.. They felt he was at risk of harm (never harmed him and never would). In the end I had to prove my sanity and that is a hard thing to do. Unfortunatley it meant ds dad and I split up as he had to choose me or ds (he made right choice or ds would have been adopted). Ended up with them all agreeing we are both suitable parents but he was already with his dad and therefore was going to stay there. After all that he is living with me and has been full time for well over a year.

Unfortunatle ythe court system can be a long drawn out process.

However, my experience is just mine and it may be very different according to area.

Kelly, can you meet him somewhere else while you have a babysitter?
It must be so hard, I know.
Can DP start any of the parenting or counselling courses that might help?
Is his aunt still helping out at all?

SS did actually say to xp it is either me or ds (they blatantly denied this later).

Xp made the right decisison tho as else we would have lost ds completely. Have you got a child & family solicitor? Can you get copies of the minutes from SS meetings? Also, just out of curiousity is the SW or SW boss initials IL? I only ask cos that was the one who said that to xp and she moved area for a spupposed promotion.

Have you had any prev involvment with SS?

Bascially they want to be sure that you will put the needs of the children first, above that of your dp or yourself. Hence making you feel like you have to choose.

awen that must have been so hard. I'm glad your ds is back with you now. Makes we wonder how often ss do get it wrong - scary really. dp isn't a bad parent, he jsut got thrown in at the deep end and needs help.
blu, we got a sitter last week and all in all it cost me £100. petrol, sitter and going out somewhere where we could talk. We can't afford to do that every week. His aunt is great witht he boys, but after all this, she doesn't want to be left alone with ds or dd, so dp and I don't get any time together.
I'm really hoping after the case protection hearing that they might let dp start coming back a bit, btu it really doesn't look hopeful. And he jsut isn't coping. I'm happy to wait, and work slowly, but he has the police thing overhanging too, and cant cope. I think he needs to go to GP or counselling, but he won't hear of either. He is happy to go to parenting classes or such like, but is waiting to see if ss organise that. Sometimes I wonder if he needs a good slap! I love him tho, and hate seeing him so miserable.

we both have sols on standby, aware of the situ. We have been promised minutes from the first meeting, which is on thurs.

hmm, prev involvement. I haven't actually mentioned that before on this thread, tho it is on mn somewhere. dd made allegations against dp once before, a couple of years ago. dd and dp have always had a fairly good relationship, so I was convinced at the time and still am that it was a misunderstanding. ss came round (with police), spent a coupel of hours talkign to us, and it was written off, no further action was taken. But it doesn't look good in light on current circumstances, so they may well think that this has been a long term prob. I was upfront with them about this, I almost wished I hadn't, because they struggled to find records on it.

Kelly, how old are dd and ds1? (sorry, just not sure). Who did dd make allegations to last time?

(bloody hell re the £100 night out - nothing about this is at all easy, is it? )

dd is 6, ds1 is 4, dd made allegations prev when dts were newborns, so when she was nearly 5. with the dts jsut born, it was difficult for them, esp as I had benn laid up for the last trimister. dd said that dp had 'throttled' her (with demonstrations) to her teacher (at prev school, before we moved last oct) when asked about brusing on her neck. The bruising was actually mroe of a graze because she had a current fad pf pretneding to be a dog, and they both tried wrapping dressing gown belt round each other's necks as leads until I stopped them. But it was something that continued at school (I discovered from holey tights and scuffed shoes) and so somewhere along the line she got a grazed neck.
nope def not easy. with no-one else around I can only use a professional agency, and it isn't cheap!

.

I don't want to upset you but........

initially you were convinced that your P hadn't done ANYTHING to your children. Then you became aware that he was a little rough (frustration) and bullying.

Now your DD has 'made up' stories before of things. I hope for your sake your DD was making up stories but if they get on so well why would she make up this story and why would she feel bullied?

I have play throttled DS he is very ticklish there and collapses in a heap. However I have never left bruises/grazes. I completely get the dog thing, I had to give DS water on a saucer as well (-:

If this is all completly above board then you have to be squeaky clean to make sure you are seen to be doing the right thing.

I know it is hard but at the end of the day your P is an adult your children are dependent on you to protect them. They have to come before your Ps feelings.

All it takes is for one of your children to need a wee, glass of water and see him and then tell someone and SS are going to think you are not putting them first.

I am not saying you or your P have done anything wrong or abused any of your children but read what I have just written from an outsiders point of view. Based on this what would you think?

the thing before with dd was a phase. she even told me that the babies had hurt her, and ds had sctratched her knee etc. She was lookign for attention, because of the babies.
They do get on, but she is scared of him, and ds is more scared.

I knew their were realtionship problems. I jsut hadn't realised it had gone that far. Dp WANTS to change. I think I wqas stupid yest and shouldn't have let him in the house. We were carefull, stuck a chair in front of the door so we would hear if one came down, back escape route for dp unlocked etc. There was no way that the children were going to see him. But it was wrong.

I don't want my kids put at any risk, I've told dp I don't want him coming back straightaway, and it is going to have to be a gradual thing. There is no way I would trust him alone with the kids. He is determined to change, but he is going to have to prove that. I love my kids being so happy and relaxed, but I would like to be able to do that as a family.

hi Kelly. Sorry to hear that you and dp are feeling the strain. Are you able to talk to the social worker or your health visitor about all this at all? (Not dp coming round but the whole enormous god this is stressful and where do we go from here as a family topic?) I do think and hope that things will be clearer after the conference(s) has/have happened- is the first one on Thursday? I think at that point the emphasis will change from assessing your situation to thinking about what support you need. Hang in there, honey. The process is slowly moving forward and things will gradually get better. This is hard because it's hard but also because you don't know where you stand properly yet and what assessment has been made. It's normal to be v scared about that. Remember though- social services want the best for the kids. Best for the kids is you and dp both being involved as good enough parents. If they feel there is any way to do that safely they will. From what you've said there are things to build on, most importantly dp's admission that he was in the wrong and your proven commitment to being open minded and putting the children first. You are continuing to do everything right. (Do agree re not letting dp in the house again tho! Could be misinterpreted. Sympathies though- you must be missing him a lot.)

Kelly, my situation was not the same as yours. I do have to agree with Kathlean's post and understand what she is saying.

I would be very concerned if my ds was scared of any adult. He doesnt like his paternal grandfather so he doesnt have to see them.

I dont think at his age (6) he would make up stories and the fact that your 4 year old is also very scared would make me concerned too as a mum.

Yes SS do get it wrong and can be heeavy handed. However, from what I have read here I would be concerned.

I personally think you should work as much as you can with SS in this situation. Your kids come first. Sorry if this upsets you as really not intent.

Hi, sm. I am missing him like hell! I really hope that thurs does go well and we can start moving fw. I have another thread \l;ink{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=219113&stamp=060926114813\here} regadrding dp and the police. They want to caution him.

but they are your babies x so sorry for you

here

I am concerned, I jsut want to give dp one cahnce to change things. If it has gone too far and irrepairable, he will be out. I've talked lots to the children about what they want too. dd wants him back, she is missing him too. ds doesn't.
I know what you are saying. When I first started finding things out I was so upset. I jsut wanted to cuddle up with them and keep them well away from him. I am not going to allow them to be intimidated in their own home. But it jsut isn't that simple. there are also the dts to consider, our children together, who would lose their dad. dp is 24, has had far mroe than he can cope with. I feel that limiting hte time he spends here would change things a lot, and he is going to go to parenting courses, etc. This isn't really so much about what I want, as what is best for all of them. I'm not convinced that he will change, but I won't be allowing him near them in that case. but I do want to try.

sorry , my head is all muddled, it's hard to explain.

Kelly - I think you are in a difficult situation right now amd the last thing you need to be thinkng about is whether DP moves back in with you all.

I think you need to focus on reassuring your children that they will not be put in harms way, and on satisfying SS that you, as their mother, will not put them in a situation where they will be harmed by DP.

I cannot imagine how a family could function with him at home - how can you be there all the time looking over his shoulder making sure that he doesn't lose it or worse bully the children? I have to be honest and say that I don't see how it could possibly work now. DP is an adult - he is 24 not 14 you know! He got himself into this situation, not you and certainly not hte children. He is feeling the repercussions of his horridness to them and I would be in no rush to try and smooth things over with him.

I think you are excusing his behaviour far too easily. The vast majority of 24 year olds do not behave like this!

I'm sorry if this is hard to read - but I do think you need to think about the needs of your children (who have been abused by him) before worrying about how he is coping!

Oh Kelly, it's not surprising you are muddles, you are in a muddling situation.
I still think you are being strong and clear about facing up to the situation between DP and the older children.
All I can suggest is dealing with it one step at a time and continuing to work in close dialogue with SS, letting them help and guide you. Scummy's post makes a lot of sense. He can do the parenting course, and maybe some counselling, and THEN you can see how he is.
I have no experience or knowledge about how to deal with a proposed caution, but you have done the right thing in getting a solicitor, good luck with whatever is decided.

I do think Soapbox is right about dps maturity. He is in a stressful situation, but in 6 months may be the time to find out whther this has caused him to gain the maturity and strength that anyone with responsibility for children needs. You can't 'mother' him too - your mothering capacity is full to bursting!

Am sorry for what you are going through at the moment kelly but have to say my children would always come first,and any man would be straight out the door if this had happened to me.I know things in life are'nt always that black and white and it's not for me to say as I don't know the full story of indeed your DP.

You did say your ds was not happy about him coming back and that must be an awful situation for you to be in.
You seem to be staying strong and hope everything works out for you and your children in the future.x

I know it is hard but you also cant put the twins above your other kids. But people can sometimes change but I think you need to wait and see evidence of this changing.at least for now. Wait untill you feel change has happened and make sure you do what the ss tell you as you don't want to appear to be putting your kids at risk