Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
nellie245 · 27/09/2006 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 27/09/2006 12:53

social services have asked them what they want, not jsut me. They are saying that it is important to make them feel that they are being lsitened to. The lack of contact wiht dp was through their choice.

I think it is very easy for other people to say that I should be putting dd and ds1 above and beyond what anyone elses needs are, when they aren't the one facing the situation. I said myself that I would never take anything like that again, but when it comes to it it isn't taht simple. The twins' needs can't be simply ignored. at the moment it seems all negative, but there are positives in dd and ds's relationship with dp, and they would lose all that if he didn't come back.

I am not going to put my children at risk. Even if there was any chance of that, I have ss watching closely to make sure that doesn't happen in any case. The sw recomendation is for cahms family couselling and for dp to be assessed in his parenting capabilities and his anger management. This will be a good start to finding out if we can build a healthy family. I feel I do need to give it this chance.

OP posts:
mummyhill · 27/09/2006 14:16

Sorry only just caught up on all this. This may sound negative but is going on personal experience.

It is possible that they are putting you through the mill as you have previous cantact with them regarding your older children and the twins dad. They would still have the previous incident on file which would be like waving a red rag at a bull to them. As another child in the house has now made an allegation they have to take it much more seriousley.

We had involvement with them earlier this year and they did tell us when they signed it off that if they had another contact regarding us that they would take it much more seriousley and that we would not get signed off as quickly or as easily as we did first time round.

Hold on in there hun. Take all the support and help they offer and co operate with them. If they have said that dp can't have access unless a nominated adult is there then please don't let him come home for a visit even if the kids are in bed asleep, they have ways of finding things out and it I dread to think what they would do.

Blu · 27/09/2006 16:09

Kelly - I completely understand the need to consider the dts too, and the complexity of all this.

The main thing is that it is absolutely clear that you won't be just going back to the way things were, whatever happens, you will be looking to see a real change in dp, before you even try a reconcilliation. And also that DP acknowledges that he has not been behaving as he should, so HE knows he has to change.

ScummyMummy · 27/09/2006 16:50

I personally think it sounds very much as if you are taking a good approach that is right for you and your family, Kelly. I am not dismissing the seriousness of what has happened when I say this- it will be extremely hard work for dp to rebuild the trust between you two as a couple and between himself and the older children, as I'm sure you know better than anyone. Very very hard. It is also, as you've said yourself lots of times, absolutely imperative that the children's needs are considered first and foremost. I imagine there will be quite a few dilemmas along the way, I'm afraid- there will be new power balances in the family to get used to and new ways of behaving to be learned. But I think that if you and dp are completely honest with yourselves and both determined to make things work for the children and able to accept the help that's offered it is absolutely worth trying. Families can and do come through very horrible situations and go on to thrive. Some do so as an intact family, others find that splitting is the way forward. I think you are being amazingly brave in searching for the right way through a complex, upsetting set of circumstances and believe that, because you are proceeding with a clear sighted vision of what is and is not good-enough for your children, you will come out the other side of this eventually even stronger and with kids who are able to look back and know that their mum did her very best for them. Hang in there.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 27/09/2006 18:04

scummymummy am I right in thinkign that you are training to be a sw? I think you will make a very good one and I am very grateful for the advice that you, and everyone else has posted.

You are so right about the balances in the family. One of the big issues that we are facing now, is to find a new method of discipline. I have depended far too much on dp to deal with that side, and now he isn't there, they need to know that certain boundaries do still exist. We've started a pasta jar! Seems to be working well for now.

DP has acknowledged that his behaviour has been out of order, and is planning to say something to that effect at the meeting tomo. He too, has had to do a lot of facing up to facts and it has been hard. He's actually been watchign parenting programns and also that one off "I smack and am proud of it". He said one of the men on there reminded him in certain ways of himself, and seeing it more from an objective standpoint he could see that it is very wrong. The thing is that acknowleging he needs to change and being able to actually do it will be difficult. Time will tell!

I've been rather worried about dd. I think she feels guilty. I'm trying to talk to her but I'm not really the best person to do that, because it is for me that she feels guilty. I spoke with her school and our sw and she came round to have a chat with her. I haven't really had feedback yet, but she said there was nothing to worry about. I hate the fact that the kids are having to go through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 27/09/2006 18:04

I rabbit far too much!

OP posts:
Blu · 27/09/2006 18:10

Kelly - yuor poor DD.
I guess you are emphasising that she did the right thing, and that you love her and are proud of her - and maybe you should tell her that you know DP did wrong. You could tell her that sometimes even good people do bad things that they shouldn't do - and if they are really good people then they can learn how not to do it again. But if they still do bad things, then they can't be part of the family. Maybe it would also help to tell her that DP wasn't harsh with her because of HER, but because he didn't know how to talk to children.

In due course I suspect that it might be a good idea for him to apologise to them.

gothicmama · 27/09/2006 18:30

Hi kelly I have just caught up with your thread I'm pleased to read taht you are ebing positive and are trying to met everyone's needs. I think you are a very caring mum, with regard to your dd reassure he r that you are ok and things will work out how they should, let her know how she is feeling is normal and ok I guess this is probably the line teh SW has taken. Your SW's recommenadtions are also very sound I hope it all works out for you and yours

frumpygrumpy · 27/09/2006 22:07

Kelly, I'm just catching up (my pc keeps going on standyby for no good reason, right in the middle of using it!!!

So, it goes on and on..... is tomorrow the first meeting?

Sunnysideup · 27/09/2006 23:02

I've just read this whole thread....well done kelly is what springs to mind! How incredibly strong you have been through all this.

Just wanted to say a couple of things, as an ex-social worker, to give that perspective. The child protection terms being used are scary (abuse and neglect) and they sound accusatory, but as someone else said so well, they are terms that A) describe a huge spectrum of situations from the almost non-existent to the most severe mistreatment and B) are things they are looking into not accusing you of! Try to keep this in mind if you can...

one of the main things I used to see as a SW was mothers who chose their partner over their children. One or two chose the most awful abusers and let their kids go into foster care! Kelly, you are SO obviously NOT this type of mum and I totally respect your reasons for considering giving it another go with your DP....I would like to think that in this situation, you and your kids have a window of opportunity to have the 'services' listen to you; ask for all the help and support that you could possibly need. Make yourselves able to function as a happy little family with a mum who feels supported and able to give of herself to her kids; WITHOUT relying on DP for any of this......my point is that if you don't NEED him, you will be strong enough to make a decision purely based on whether he can parent the kids in a way that makes them happy, not scared.....and not influenced by your own (understandable and natural) need for help, support, etc.

Hope this makes some sense....

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 28/09/2006 03:11

thank you sunnysideup.

I really should not still be up. I shoudl have taken the sleeping tablets tonight! I went to bed about 1, was nearly asleep when I realised I could smell aftershave. One of dp's bottles had upturned in the cupboard. By the time I sorted that I was wide awake and here I still am!

Yes, the initial case protection hearing is tomorrow. Send your best positive vibes to us tomo aft please! I ended up getting up and writing what I wanted to say tomorrow. Reports have been coming in non stop in the past few days and I wasn't able to write it any sooner. I intended to do it tomorrow morning but I ended up laying in bed running it through my head. btw, I've pinched your 'window of oppurtunity' thing ssu, its the perfect way to sum it up! Nothing mroe I can do now, so I'm gonna try to get some sleep, but I am gonna feel so shit tomo now!

OP posts:
Alibaldi · 28/09/2006 03:39

Sending you some positive vibes from Colorado. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

ScummyMummy · 28/09/2006 07:44

Lots of positive vibes for this afternoon, Kelly.

I think sunnysideup's post is really excellent and spot on- the next bit is about you continuing to grow and grow in strength so that you can really decide objectively whether dp is able to do his job as a live-in parent well enough for your kids, isn't it?

throckenholt · 28/09/2006 07:46

Hi Kelly,

I hope you got some sleep in the end, and that today works out ok for everyone.

schneebly · 28/09/2006 08:02

All the best for today, will be thinking of you.

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 28/09/2006 08:52

good luck XXX

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 28/09/2006 09:48

thank you all for the good wishes.

Is there anyone around, particularly with experience with social services that would fancy having a read through what I want to say? at the case protection hearing I am expected to talk too, but have been given very little guidence as to what about.

OP posts:
mummyhill · 28/09/2006 09:52

Good luck for today.

IWonder · 28/09/2006 09:57

good luck

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 28/09/2006 10:18

UI can do that Kelly if you want, stuck in waiting for internet shopping

my email
is peaches and cream 04 at bt internet dot com

frumpygrumpy · 28/09/2006 10:20

All the very best today Kelly, my fingers are crossed and I'll be sending you good vibes this afternoon. I hope you feel in as good a frame of mind as you can be to put your case calmly and clearly. Be strong honey, we're routing for you xx.

Bumping too for advice re Kelly's earlier post.....

frumpygrumpy · 28/09/2006 10:21

Glad you're about Peachy.

soapbox · 28/09/2006 10:22

Good luck for today Kelly

I hope it all works out well for you all!

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 28/09/2006 10:24

Hi peachy thanks so much, have emailed you. x

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread