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Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 16/09/2006 11:36

Oh Kelly. What a horrible thing to have to face. I think, once again, that you are being very brave. You've done something that is astoundingly difficult to do- looked objectively at the relationship between your older children and your partner and confronted the fact that it is not as it should be. You've also not blamed the children for that, are supporting them 100% even though you love dp and have no concerns about his relationship with his biological children. You have come so far since you started this thread, you know.

There will be ways to move forward from here. They will involve, I imagine, incredibly difficult decisions and hard work for you and, especially, for dp if he wants to be a full part of the family again and do things very differently. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will do what is right for your children and that your family will thrive because of that whether or not you feel able to have dp move back in. I do however think that dp's keenness to try again to win dd's and ds1's trust and his willingness to accept that he has been very out of order and that this must not happen again is a hopeful sign that rebuilding your family around both parents is not a total impossibility if that is what you want. Is there any chance of some family therapy to work through some of these issues? Will you be talking all the options through with the social worker?

Hope you will get a chance for some rest and relaxation this weekend. How is the eating and sleeping going?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 16/09/2006 11:47

eating and sleeping not good. all four are at the cm right now, so I'm catchign up on laundry. then I will pick them and drop the dts to dp for the weekend.

dp is scared tht if I tell ss/police that I do think he is bullying the kdis (rather than a relationship that has jsut deteriorated, which I originally thought) out it will get him into even more trouble, but I feel like I need to be honest witht hem. I only really found out what had been going on when I spoke to the children yesterday. I hadn't spoken to them about it before then, as I didn't want to influence them in any way, but then the police said they aren't suitable for video evidencing anyway.

We will get help in any case, I just hope it works.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 16/09/2006 11:49

sorry, I am not terribly eloquent atm!

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 16/09/2006 12:04

I agree that being honest with social services is very important or the help they offer may not be what you need. Also this is a massive thing for you to face and the social worker should be there to offer a listening ear and emotional support. Dp needs to cast aside all worries of what people will think if he wants to rebuild things. I imagine the police stuff will fade from here on in anyway, actually. I do hear that things seem quite bleak to you, very very understandably, but I honestly think the fact that your inner lioness has awoken and you are fiercely protecting your cubs is in many ways fantastic! I bet your kids are proud and your dp in awe, quite frankly. You are showing him that you can kick ass and that your babies come first and that you will call the shots on deciding whether he's someone who deserves a place in your lovely children's lives.

MamaG · 16/09/2006 12:04

Kelly, I'm a lawyer who works on a lot of care cases acting for both children and parents (diffent cases, obv) and the thing that stands out most about your case, to me, is that you are doing the right thing. You mustn't feel guilty - hell, we all overlook things sometimes and I hope SS will be very supportive as you have put your children first - not all parents do that, believe me.

I hope your DP does go to the parenting classes, if he shows that he knows he has done wrong, is willing to change and actually tries to do it, eventually things should settle down.

You've been to hell and back, but from what I can see you have acted bravely and with dignity. Well done.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 16/09/2006 12:10

thanks mamag. I need to contact my sol actually, regardign making a statement etc. because I really don't know what to do.
I know that DP will go to parenting classes, counselling, or anything, as he is determined to change. It's jsut a question of whether he can change. I think it is hard too, because I walked out of one abusive relationship (with exh) after tolerating it for a couple of years, and takign that step was really hard and I always said to myslef that I would never give a second chance again. There is differences in that dp wants to get help etc, which exh didn't but it's still that second chance thought runnign through my head.
I'm strugglign to explain myslef!

OP posts:
Blu · 16/09/2006 12:10

Also, now your children know that they will belistened to - and if dp apologises to them, tells them he knows he has done wrong, and after 6 months in which he takes whatever help and support he needs, then the children may gain in confidence around him. But of course he needs to earn that confidencee, and you need to feel sure about it too.

I do agree with Scummy, you are being amazing, and have come so far and seem to have gained strength as you have faced up to truth instead of hiding from it, as many do. Good for you.

MamaG · 16/09/2006 12:12

Its very difficult Kelly. If he truly wants to change then, for the sake of your family, a second chance might be worth it - I think that if you tell your Solicitor that you do want to give him a second chance, but the children come first etc (as they obviously do, in your case) you should be ok.

Blu · 16/09/2006 12:13

x-posted.
Nothing can be second guessed at this point kelly. The fact of the here and now is that he is willing to try. That is the best start there could be. Whether he sees it through, whether he changes, whether you want him back after a break, all that remains to be seen, you don't have to commit to a decision now.

And I think you are doing very well expressing yourself around it.

Blu · 16/09/2006 12:14

MamaG - could she tell them that she won't be having him living with her for at least 6 months, and won't consider anything until he has sought help and she has been convinced that it has worked?

ScummyMummy · 16/09/2006 12:15

Agree with mamag and blu.

MamaG · 16/09/2006 12:15

oh hell yes, defo - she must show, almost in an over the top way, that whilst she does want to get back to being a family, she will not put the children at risk in any way.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 16/09/2006 12:20

I really need to come clean with them and tell them everything that I have discovered then. They probably think I am still in denial atm, but I jsut didn't know. I was talkign about him coming back gradually, whereas now I need to put more emphasis on keeping the kids safe.

I really wasn't sure I wanted to psot this, but I am so glad I did, it has really helped.

OP posts:
MamaG · 16/09/2006 12:21

Be 100% honest. If they find out at a later date that you covered somehting up, they will wonder what else you knew.

ScummyMummy · 16/09/2006 12:32

I think 100% honesty is both the best way forward in terms of truly getting the best outcome for your family and the best policy in terms of getting social services and any other agencies that remain involved onside. From a child protection point of view the fact that you are viewing the situation differently because you have more information and are utterly determined to put the children's needs first in the light of that information is amazingly important. It will reassure social services that the children are safe like nothing else could.

frumpygrumpy · 16/09/2006 16:07

Kelly you've had great advice here. I'm so sorry you are having to face this. I'm sure it has been a hugh shock/adjustment for DP having a ready made family and then twins and it is wholly understandable that he has struggled with this. However, i think you hit the nail on the head when you said the kids are calm and relaxed atm. Thats how they should always be. Please always feel you can say anything to us, we're not judging you (or your DP) in any way honey. We're just listening and being your sounding board. Is the childminder helping? Do you feel any benefit?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 16/09/2006 16:41

the childminder is giving me 8 hours a week which is good, but since dp isn't here I am bascially having to do all the stuff that he would help with then. He is good with helping out with housework at the weekends.

I feel so shit. At the moment as it stands, the police don't have a lot of evidence. I still don't think he has done anythign wrong in a legal sense, but once I tell them these new findings it is going to make things worse for him. It might be that I give them what they need to brng a case against him. I don't want him to go to court, I want him to get the help and try to work through this.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 16/09/2006 17:16

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 16/09/2006 17:17

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 16/09/2006 17:22

hi ggglimpopo. Thank you for the advice I will bear that in mind. I am not so worried about talking to social services, as the police. They want to talk to me on wednesday to get my perspective. I don't want to see him ending up with a prison sentance or something, he isn't a bad person.

OP posts:
Overrun · 16/09/2006 19:39

Hi Kelly,
I think from what you have said about your more recent take on your partners behaviour, it is very unlikely that he would be sentenced or sent to prison.
You face a huge dilemma I know, but I think reading between the lines of your posts you are going to do the only thing that you can in the circumstances and that is share your new perspective with agencies involved in your case.
Anything less would not be helping your family imho. I will give a strong message to your children, to police and SSD and to your dp that you are a 100% in your childrens corner.
Then if you want to give him a "second chance" as you put it, you are doing it with a clean slate.

ScummyMummy · 19/09/2006 12:30

How are you doing, kelly?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 19/09/2006 15:40

hi scummymummy. I've very stresed, throwing up again, but at least sleeping reasonably. I'm dreading the police tomo. I've spoken to ss, and dp has spoken to his sol, and everyone is advising jsut to tell everything. I don't really have any choice. ss'S take that the polcie aren't there to help so it is tough shit what I/we want, which is true, but very hard to take esp hasn't even comitted any crime - I jsut hope they see that. I'll be glad when next thurs is over and we can start rebuilding everything. It's jsut waiting now.
I've calmed down a bit with dp, and I want him to try to work with me through this, but he needs to get help first.

OP posts:
MarsLady · 19/09/2006 15:52

hang in there honey

frumpygrumpy · 19/09/2006 22:54

Hi honey, try to sleep as much as you can and, regardless of being sick, keep eating. It is stress and your body needs the food or everything else will crumble and seem so much worse (if thats possible for you). I wish you the best of luck tomorrow xxx. Keep posting.

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