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Original poster

I'm too stressed to see sense - help! I seem to have accidentally adopted next door's child...and she isn't just *any* child either...

325 replies

Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 20:43

I'm so stressed my head's hurting, lots, so this will make no sense... I think I'm in one of those situations where there's a simple answer but I'm too close to the problem to see...

Anyway, it all started one evening a few months back when I let the ten year old girl from next door come and splash in our big paddling pool... Ever since then she's taken it upon herself to arrive on our doorstep every night after school wondering if she could come and play...

At first I thought, great! Another kid for my DS (2.5) to play with... but then she started being weird .. when I'm not in the room (and she thinks I can't see) she will throw things at Theo, hit him, chuck things off my kitchen worktops and overturn tables and bookshelves and blame Theo... she has a habit of pinching my nine month old and making her cry, so I can't put her down... she also demands food incessantly, goes upstairs and puts my clothes on etc... I've told her not to but it doesn't work, I've stopped her pinching and hitting my babies at least though. (At least I think I have?!)

I want to get rid of her really tbh, she's doing my head in... at first I thought there must be something a bit wrong at home, you know, for her to be acting up like this, and I wanted to give her somewhere nice to go... but but she's stalking us!!!!

It's the summer holiday now and she turns up at 7am wanting to come in and if I let her she will stay... well she would stay all night! If I don't let her in and tell her not to come round she'll stand outside knocking and ringing the bell for up to an hour, and then she runs home and phones me all day, even if I don't ever pick up. (I was usually out all day, but have been potty training which has given her a perfect way in..)

I don't know her parents very well, in fact have never spoken to her mum. But her dad likes DH and I don't want to upset things, I've had neighbour probs before (childhood) and don't want to go there again...

Her parents have started going out early in the morning, leaving her on my doorstep without asking, and not returning till 7pm, and she has no key or anything...

How on earth am I going to get rid of her I am so stressed I feel ill I've got two under three and a deliquent ... but at the same time I can't upset her family, it would be hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

(hello, I'm FA - the saga lady... remember me? lol)

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 27/07/2006 13:09

""
. Hardly the way to get people to post on your thread and give advice is it?!?

LucyJones · 27/07/2006 13:10

It's really up to you and your dh to sort this out. Have you spoken to him about it calmly and rationally? I can't beleive he won't help if he knows she has hurt his children?

alexsmum · 27/07/2006 13:10

so turn the computer off!!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 13:11

ComeOveneer I'm allowed to feel woe is meish if I want to ok? I accept your apology I do, I didn't really have that much of an issue with *you8 in the first place, just the general feeling of people thinking I'm evil or something is really getting me down, for some stupid reason it matters a lot to me and I wish it didn't..

I am sorting this out, thanks for all the good advice, I'm going to my HV and having a frank word with her parents later, well, more sensitve than frank really - want to bring up the regression... got to think how to do it without sounding like I'm saying 'your child is mad'... which I don't think she is but you know, anyway, going to write down what to say, just in case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 13:13

I don't need any more advice! The advice has been fab, I've been trying to tell you I have TAKEN the advice... so no more is needed really

OP posts:
piglit · 27/07/2006 13:13

Or ask MN Towers to remove the thread!

Seriously though, if anyone visiting me/my children in my house even looked at my children in a way I felt uncomfortable with they'd be out of the house so fast their feet wouldn't touch the ground.

WigWamBam · 27/07/2006 13:14

I can understand the way you're feeling because I'm a wuss too, I hate confrontation (even with 10 year olds!) and even thinking about having the kind of conversations you need to be having with your neighbours has me in a cold sweat. But you have to do something, you know you do. I don't think there's much your HV can do for you but your dh can, and he should be supporting you in getting this dealt with. Give him a kick up the backside and get him on your side - he can't leave you to deal with this yourself.

Come on, ignore the unhelpful comments on this thread and look at the supportive ones. There's loads of help here, plenty of suggestions of things to do and people to help, but we can't do it for you. I know it's hard; I would find it hard too. But you have to do it - for your children's sake, for this girl's sake, to stop you crying and pulling your hair out.

Send your dh to me for a slap because he should be with you in all of this, not against you.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 13:14

He knows and he says 'just don't let her in the house'... which is logical, because he just thinks 'she's a f*cking weirdo' and when I say I think there might be something going on he says 'nah she's just crazy'...

OP posts:
mimitwo · 27/07/2006 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Blu · 27/07/2006 13:15

OK - good luck with the 'frank word' - and don't forget to make it clear that you can't have her round, AND that she is calling you etc, as the parents may not know.

fattiemumma · 27/07/2006 13:15

To be fair i started offering advice but you didn't seem willing to take it.

I was a little suspicious but gave you the benefit of the doubt as, for the possible childs sake i thought you really needed to get help.

I wold be deeply offended if this was a hoax. You seem to have not wanted to takle any advice. you state that you don't think SS will take this seriously....well i have just told you that yes i would! and yet you still seem to be dithering.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 13:16

I am going to sort it myself as soon as their car pulls in this evening... anyway I'm off to scrub wee out of my carpet. It's more fun than this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 13:18

I was dithering because.. well, would you want to call social services about your NEIGHBOURS when you have no ACTUAL PROOF... and you then have to LIVE NEXT DOOR to them when it's found that there is nothing wrong?! I do kind of want to be able to live here for a bit more afterwards!!

OP posts:
fattiemumma · 27/07/2006 13:18

sorry, i started writting my post and then got distracted.....things have moved on since

fattiemumma · 27/07/2006 13:21

YES.

frankly i would rather have to blush a little in front of neighbours and explain that the way their daughter was behaving and the fact she had told me she was being left alone made me worry for her and that i thought it best to find out one way or another.

although they will be upset they will no doubt understand that you acted in the best interest for their child. and if they hadn't left her then you wouldnt have needed to call the police.

I also offered you an alternative as i could tell you were not happy to call SS.

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 27/07/2006 13:24

Are you qualified to talk about regression etc? Psychoanalysing the girl to her parents may be overstepping the mark and is likely to piss them off (it certainly would me). I'd suggest you just describe her behaviour and make it clear you don't want her to visit or call. If they then say 'yes she's a nightmare we don't know what to do', suggest they contact their HV or GP. That's it, that's your responsibility - anything more is not going to do anyone any favours.
If over the next week or so you hear more that suggests abuse by them then do something but I really don't think sharing your conjecture with them is a good idea. You may never find out what the problem is but as long as your family are safe and the child doesn't continue to seem neglected or abused, it's not your business to know.

prettybird · 27/07/2006 13:25

I ithink Blu's advcie fo 1.07 is very good.

If your dh has said that he won't help then yes, you do have to stand up for yourslef and go and tell (not ask) the parents that their daughter can't come around any more. She is 10 - she is their responsibility. You don't need to give them a reason if you don't want to(maybe becasue you are scared that they might take it out on her if you tell them that she has been making a nuisance of helrsef): she is not your responsibility. If you really feel you have to give a reason. just say that you've got enough on your plate with your own two. But you really don't need to give justify yourself.

Then you need to use the "broken record" technique: refuse her entry every time she comes to the door - "sorry you can't come in". Say "sorry I can't talk" every time she rings and put the phone down. As someone else has suggested, if neccessary, get BT to bar the number. Tell her parents to get her to stop ringing you.

If, after telling her parents that you won't be looking after her, she is still "locked out" during the day, then ring Social Services and report a child that it being abandoned on a regular basis.

These are simple actions which yes, do require some detmination to carry thorugh. Tkae that first step - what's the worst that can happen? If her paretns aren't prepaared to change anything, then thhat just emans you ring Social Services sooner rather than later.

I hope your HV can help and support you - but at the end of the day, you must take some responsbility for the actions that need to be taken. You are the one that it is affecting and who is obviously being upset by it - and only you can do anything about it.

I am sure that yuo will!

leander · 27/07/2006 13:25

Good luck with having a word with the parents, hope you sort it out.I know what you mean about falling out with the neighbours but you know whats got to bve done so go for it.
with your dh though, he should be more supportive imo.

megglevache · 27/07/2006 13:29

Message withdrawn

olivia35 · 27/07/2006 13:30

Can't you just go round, introduce yourself nicely & say 'I thought I'd better say hello, you must be wondering who's kidnapped your daughter!' then lead in to 'Can you ring me if your dd wants to come round, I'd hate to think you might not know where she is when she's at mine'. Point out if necessary that she could be under a bus or abducted, with mum blithely assuming she's at yours...

Then just be very very unavailable whenever Mrs Neighbour rings 'oh sorry, we're just off out/we've all got bubonic plague/Auntie Gladys is allergic to non-related children & she's staying with us for the next 6 months' etc etc.

& if the girl comes round WITHOUT a prior phone call, just say 'Sorry, I can't let you in unless I've arranged it with your mum'

It's more than likely, as others have said, that the girl's given her dozy mum to understand that she's welcome in your home.

tenalady · 27/07/2006 13:32

Just read a bit of this thread so sorry if repeating. 10 year old who wants to play with a 2.5 year old this much is very strange to me, my that age they are into other things and not usually babies on a huge scale.

Dont want to get girl into trouble, mmmmmmm, Its not trouble really its just to correct her actions, if her parents dont know what she is up to her actions could hurt anothers child in the future.

You dont need to make that the reason why she cant visit, just simply say that your little one is getting over stimulated by the regular visits and by the way, I have noticed, and point out some of the things that are bothering you.

I think

Enid · 27/07/2006 13:34

i think this is a wind up

tenalady · 27/07/2006 13:34

dunno where the 'I think' bit came from at the end, must have ghost writer in here

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 27/07/2006 13:35

Tenalady I thought the same. A mum should be able to stand up to a 10yr old - how will she cope when her kids are 10?

megglevache · 27/07/2006 13:35

Message withdrawn