Struggling to be happy for the peer-group couple who announce the Stealth Third Child

[suzywong]

Anyone else?

I mean it's all well and good if you have always announce your intention to have more than two, but then to sneak another one in after a few years of being compadres in the quadrilateral 2+2 family/friends strata. But to sneak another child in, right under my nose!

I want to be happy for them, very happy - it's a wonderful thing of joy BUT why do I feel a slightly abrasive knot of jealoulsy in my stomach? Is this other couple blatantly announcing their superior dedication to children and chid rearing and happy families? Am I not dedicated enough? Was my confinement not sufficiently radiant, was my Maternal prowess not gracious and mild enough to make me and dh want another offspring?

Anyone else find it initially hard to be happy for contemporaries, I mean same age or older and pretty similar people, who suddenly announce a third child in the offing? I don't having this knot and I am jealous of their dedication and decisiveness.

Is this a syndrome or am I a bitter and twisted old hag?

Well no, I'm not either really. And that's the reality check I keep giving myself. I like them once they can walk and talk.

It's just the "doll" daydream which has no bearing on reality, isn't it? I want something warm and soft to cuddle, dress up and watch sleep. I feel quite sad that I'll never play with teeny tiny toes that belong to something made by me again. Or watch that punch drunk look after coming of the breast. sniffle.

I think I'm just in mourning for time gone past.

Fundamentally, I'm too lazy to have another child. The reality would be such a let down.

pmsl at too lazy to go back to work

I have worked full time since i was 14 and gave up 5 years ago when pregnant with dd1. I never realised how EASY work was compared to full time Motherhood. I love my life but you don't get 'time off'

On the other side of the coin, I was one of those who snuck a third in , not on purpose I hasten to add, but by complete accident. I did get a couple of odd reactions from a couple of friends which I put down to the whole jealousy thing. And now 3rd is here, I look at them with their 2 children (same age mostly as my older two), skipping along with life and feel quite left behind and a bit . Although I love having 3 and wouldnt change it for the world, the grass always seems greener on the other side doesnt it?

I had dd1 quite young (21). Now I'm nearly 26 and all my friends are catching up - quite a few expecting their first baby now. I feel less isolated about that and I'm pleased we will have more in common.

We have two and this thread actually caused me to have a dream that I was pregnant again. I was so relieved to wake up and discover I wasn't pregnant - in the dream I was gutted!!

The idea of having another child (not baby) is nice but I think if we were to have another child our resources (time and money) would be stretched too thinly.

Gosh, interesting thread but I´ve no idea what your problem is ladies. I wouldn´t raise an eyebrow personally if my friends moved on to their third. What´s the big deal? Is this a British thing, where you feel you can´t afford childcare, bigger house and car etc. but would really like a third? Or are you mainly craving for a newborn again (UGH!) which for me is one of the main reasons NOT to have another sprog!

'Too lazy to go back to work'. Yes that's what my Dhs work collegues said when he told them I wanted a 4th.

Utter c**p !!!!!

How dare anyone make such judgements.

Isn't anyone allowed to just love children and being around them ?

I love being here for my 3 children but it is hard work.

I started having children fairly young (24) so that I could go back to work once they are at school. Then it will be something to fit around school hours so that I can still be there for them, as my mum was for me.

My third was not an accident.

Perhaps the reason some people may not want to go back to work is so they don't have to work with such judgemental whatsits with obviously such perfect lives themselves !!!!!!!

Hi
dd113, dd2 10 ds1 2 ! He was totally planned and adored by all ! I really would like another one as have this silly fear he is going to be sort of an only child.However we really cant afford it just yet and i need surgery which will end any chance of more.Everyone things i am totally mad for putting off the surgery until i either get pregnant or accept that its finished and be happy with my healthy lot.Am i being selfish and thinking only of my needs , or will he really be more of an only child.Anyone else had similar age gap ? I absolutely love my children and would have 5 if had the space and finances.It will really upset me not having another one so am wondering if i am just using the age gap thing as an excuse for my own wants. Husband not keen but only because we are skint !

Sorry, suzywong - didn't mean to offend, I can't really empathise though. But it's interesting to read the posts of those who can.

Why should having more than two children be "superior"??? What an odd notion! Enjoy your two and sleep soundly through the night when they are doing the third feeding in as many hours.

And obviously my post wasn't aimed at anyone who can't conceive a third child (or a second, or a first) - that is terribly terribly sad, and I would have been devastated if it had happened to me. But I didn't read suzywong's original post as being about people who can't have a third child, but rather as being about people who have decided not to and are now feeling a tad regretful.

Thing is, Dino, that many of us who do actively decide not to have a third child take that decision after deliberation and some, at least, regret. You can't help wondering what that third baby would be like. And as someone else has said, a third baby keeps one in a phase of baby-toddlerhood which has its undoubted strains but is also both rather lovely and familiar. I really ought not to have any more, for lots of reasons including my own tenuous grasp on sanity, but I do find it sometimes a hard thing to revisit my own decision.

I think it's how women compete. Men have sport and careers and money while we women tend to fall back on our primal urge to procreate even if we have careers and money.

You know how you hear of families in previous generations ( particularly catholic) where they had 9 or 10 kids well I used to think it was that they didn't have the access to contraception now I wonder if it was some crazy fertility competition. Off course the high infant mortality rate would explain it too.

I have 3, and I think it's probably more sensible to have 2, as it makes everything easier (number of bedrooms, fitting in the car, getting out of the house, affording anything), but I just couldn't help wanting to be pregnant again, and to admire another little creature that I made myself. Can't bear the thought of never having another one TBH, but then would be seriously poor and exhausted. But who knows...... Seems completely normal to me to be jealous of other pregnant women - something hormonal I suppose.

mimitwo, nice post.
I couldn't agree more. This thread has actually made me think, why am i having a third? There is no answer apart from the fact that i just yearned for another one after dd2. As legophobe says another little gorgeous creature that i made. I rthink it's just a miracle that i am lucky enough to decide to bring another human being into the world or not.
Can't see where i'll stop but i do it solely for love. I look at my dd's faces and my heart just swells.

I think it's daft for anyone to judge for having 1-2-3-4 or however many kids.

Am I the only one who gets broody reading this thread?

WTF!

I am too old, too poor, etc., etc. to even be thinking about a third child.

I've got a 6 month old laying next to me just now, ffs.

Goodness, I've read almost every word of this fascinating thread. I've got two gorgeous girls (3 and 1) - and I never wanted a son (I'm one of 4 girls myself and always though 'ah, shame' when anyone announced they were having a boy). But now, at the grand old age of almost 39, I can;t bring myself to get rid of all my baby gear just yet. And to think I'd never know what it's like to have a son.

I know, it could all get much easier now - so why that nagging feeling....

For me the 2 kids thing seems soooo conformist I can't bear it. But I HATE pregnancy (even though both have been very easy) and another baby would be CSno3, and I'm so old and would worry all the way through about what could go wrong, and worry about gorgeous DD2 missing out and worry about never getting my career back on track, and I hate people carriers, and there are twins all over our family, and what if had another daughter and not a son this time..

oh dear, and to think I was only logging on to get some advice about a stopever en route to the vendee.

Wow what a fab thread. I'd never even considered 'stealth babies' a possibility .
I'm pg with no.3 and I am shocked at the reaction we've received so far, never even thought it could be jealousy tbh. I always wanted 4, Dh has met me halfway (mwahahaha! he thinks) and this onewas planned. I don't feel like an earth mother in particular but do enjoy being a sahm very much and love the thought of loads of kiddies running about.
We basically have one wage so are poor as church mice, but pretty happy. I think it depends on what the balance is to make you all happy tbh. For some people that will be still having a career and luxuries and 1 child, for others, it will be sahm and loads of kids but skint.
Incidentally, I didn't think I'd like being a mum at all. It all seemed incredibly dull when I was a career girl, how wrong I was!
Today was the worst comment about my pg, "you have one of each why on earth are you having another" I could've punched her face in, in all honesty.

lol Suzy

dh and i are now using the withdrawal method.

watch this space . . .

i think it'll work for us as we're not very fertile together.

can't do hormones anymore, they won't give DH a vasectomy b/c he's too young, he doesn't want me to get sterilised b/c of the recovery, i don't agree w/how the copper coil works and haven't been able to get an appointment to be fitted for a diaphragm.

so there's not much left.

we both HATE condoms. yuk.

this morning when dd2 was having a right old crinkle cos she was "on her own" (dd1 was getting dressed on the landing right by their bedroom door, I was all of about 3 metres away in my bedroom) I thought, yep absolutely 100 per cent certain 2's it for me, there is no way I can cope with any more whining and moaning. Now here I am again wondering what expat's 6 month old looks and smells and feels like. It's so blumin primeval. babies are just too wonderful. no wonder my mum was desperate to be a granny. I know how she feels, and dd1's only 6.

she's gorgeous, thewoman! she's got a round head - quick birth - that smells like Earth Friendly Bubble Bath (she bathes w/her sister these days). she's so plump! i love how she looks at me when she feeds. i like how she sprawls out on her change matt when it's time for a clean nappy. her little giggle. the way she pulls my hair when i lean over her. her shrieks of delight.

oooooo. she's yummy!

Haven't read the whole thread yet, but did smile when I read the OP.

There was no smugness from us - our third was our own very special surprise and omg quite a shock at the time. Took us best part of three months to tell people - and even then it was only because a colleague at work guessed so we thought we'd better tell our parents!

stop it expat. that's just being mean