Struggling to be happy for the peer-group couple who announce the Stealth Third Child

[suzywong]

Anyone else?

I mean it's all well and good if you have always announce your intention to have more than two, but then to sneak another one in after a few years of being compadres in the quadrilateral 2+2 family/friends strata. But to sneak another child in, right under my nose!

I want to be happy for them, very happy - it's a wonderful thing of joy BUT why do I feel a slightly abrasive knot of jealoulsy in my stomach? Is this other couple blatantly announcing their superior dedication to children and chid rearing and happy families? Am I not dedicated enough? Was my confinement not sufficiently radiant, was my Maternal prowess not gracious and mild enough to make me and dh want another offspring?

Anyone else find it initially hard to be happy for contemporaries, I mean same age or older and pretty similar people, who suddenly announce a third child in the offing? I don't having this knot and I am jealous of their dedication and decisiveness.

Is this a syndrome or am I a bitter and twisted old hag?

Dinosaur, it's not a problem as such, but clearly it is a mindset that one doesn't necessarily know one has until the third baby is announced, and many of us are wondering why our feelings are so different from our general outlook. They are feelings that take us by surprise if you see what I mean, and this thread is reflecting and ruminating on why that may be so, not a castigation or a "get over it" or a "poor me" type moan.

I am not sure I know when to stop.

I have three children and want more (doubt it'll happen due to lack of enthusiasm on my OH's part) despite the fact we totally can NOT afford it. Even I can see that but it doesn't stop me pining for more.

I also have three cats and three kittens who have been living under the bed since they were born a few weeks ago and who I would happily keep but shan't be allowed to. (Sensible though, however much I may protest.) Again, I am not sure whether this feels like enough pet company - I would like a pony or two, a dog again and a fish for my little boy. I also have moments of wishing we had a rabbit...

Now what does that say about me and perhaps about some others who have a house full of babies and animals?

One half of me is clearly barking, but then there is the more sensible, measured side that manages to keep things manageable, sane and socially acceptable (can't be having the smell of dog on our clothes or cat hairs in the school tray bakes).

As much as I see myself plodding along like this, occasionally dreaming about more babies or animals, but still sticking to some kind of 'norm'. I can also see myself like one of those people the RSPCA visits for having 4000 rabbits, 50, dogs and 75 cats in a 2 bed semi.

On the face of it I am normal, wholesome mummy of 3 (only slightly crazy there with the .6 - or whatever it is- jump from average) with partner (okay I could be married, but again not TOTALLY crazy, whatever my dad says) and a decent-ish job (oops, self employed - possibly daring!) and my house has little evidence of the growing cat colony within...

So, if I had more children I know it would be because the mad, uncontrolled side of me had been unleashed but God knows what is in the minds of other parents of 2.5 children or more??

Whatever, I don't think it has a lot to do with the mums and dads of 1 or 2 children - how could it? Surely it is about our individual capacity for martyrdom, self-sacrifice, frenetic lifestyle, total-giving-up-of-oneself, multiple loving and loathing and worying - oh and lots and lots of laundry washing??

As for the onlookers, worrying about their own measly brood but secretly congratulating themselves on their 'sensible' decision not to have MORE, look impressed: the poor f*ckers who went for it and had those 6 kids and the menagerie in the garden will be glad of your appreciation, it will sweeten the bitter pill of regret.

I jest - maybe.

nannyme- more kids=more people to look after more animals. Simple! :)

mousie - for us it was quite different. ds has autism and although he does play sometimes with dd it often ends up in him hitting her. I think when he is a bit older he will probably just want to do his own thing. Our 3rd was in some ways to give dd a sibling she could relate to. Ironically though ds1 actually loves ds2 although he may lose interest in him when he's past the cute baby stage. At the moment the older two often fight over baby.

Dp says that only two kids is 'playing at it'

Sidetrack - Nannyme, was it you thinking about coming to live in France? You get nice financial incentives here to have more than three children. If you moved to the Dordogne you could have your goat and pony and chickens and I could come and drink tea and admire your acreage.....

My DH always refers to having three as "hard-core parenting". Most men (with three) seem to agree with him.

Haven't read the thread, (well a bit of it but have to reply now before dd wakes).
I am pregnant with third and i could count on one hand the amount of people who seem genuinly happy for me. Everyone else looks in mock horror or disbeleif when they find out. I find it very sad and it's starting to grate a bit now, the next person who says,'ooohh you're fond of a treat' i'll give the evil eye to!

Can't really understand the jelousy aspect myself at all. Don't see why anyobe should be jealous.

I had friends who were so jealous they couldn't speak to me during my third pg

What a popular thread !

I have 3 but long for 4.
My closest friend has just had her 3rd (complete accident and shock). I hate to admit to it but I was incredibly jealous when she announced it to me. I had been feeling broody for 6 months before that and she knew how desperate I was to have another yet seemed to take great joy in telling me that she was expecting and not so happy to be. A little tact would have been nice from a friend so close. For the past 8 months I've heard nothing but details about her pregnancy and how hard it is to look after 2 children whilst being pg. I'm the wrong person to tell as I tend to just get on with it rather treating it like an illness. I think my criticalness (is there such a word?) stems out of jealousy.
Now she is home and has her Mum, Dad and hubby with her for 3 weeks. She has a cleaner and an ironing lady yetshe is telling her best friends that they cannot pop in for 10 mins to see her and her new gorgeous baby.

Sorry I'm ranting.

Some people can cope with having more than 2 children and others can't but still have them. If you think 2 is enough for you then stick with it and don't feel outdone by others with more.

Another friend has 4. She seems to like telling everyone as if no one has ever had 4 before. There are others in this town with 4 who cope far better than she does and don't shout about it from the rooftops. She thinks she is an earth mother but is very far from it with her opair, cleaner, ironing person, etc.....

I don't feel jealous of her because she is nothing to be jealous of !!!

I do remember when I had 2 and a friend was having her 3rd. I thought she was nuts. 2 years later I changed my tune and decided to have my third.

"I do think 2 children is just incredibly safe and boring though.... as my dh says "you don't start getting really good family dynamics until there are at least 3 children around". I do slightly look at my friends with 2 children and think that life must be quite quiet and dull at home."

Nice to have the option PPH, some people want desperately to have more than 1 never mind more than 2 but it isn't always that straightforward. Lucky you for being able to turn them out so easily. And if I sound like I have a chip on my shoulder then maybe it's because I do!

Can't say I'd show my jealousy though and think it's terrible for people not to be happy for you in your choices. Having a baby is the most wonderful thing and should be celebrated.

Not jealous!

Just finding it surprising that I feel competitive. Having a baby is the most wonderful thing, I/we agree!

I honestly don't think I'd have the patience for 3.

I'm loving having dd2 and saddened that this is the only chance to go through this lovely stage of watching her develop (with dd1 it was a whole game of therapists and special programmes, since she has cp, so that wonderful thing of watching them suddenly start doing something new is a whole new thing for me)

and sometimes I think I would like to do it again but what I really mean is I would like to prolong this lovely period. I don't actually want three children forever. I just want to turn the clock back and watch dd start to learn to sing again.

good god. another pregnancy. another year without sleep. three teenagers. pureeing food again

no thanks

Cappucino that is such a good point. I feel that way about my 3rd who is now 2. It is such an intesting stage that I don't want it to end. Having another would be a temporary solution but I still would like 4, just be be even (like those who have 2 I guess, to keep it equal - in that we could have 2 each, DH and I).

I can't honestly say that my broodiness would go away after having a 4th but I know I could never go beyond 4. DH is not up for a 4th anyway so I may have 3 forever.

I meant interesting....

I think the real reason to have a third is that the mother is too lazy and comfortable to go back to work! Funny thing that 3rd ones always 'happen' when it's time to think about getting up from the sofa and start earning some money again!

Have to say I am intrigued by this notion that having two children is dullsville. If I did have more than two, I would not be able to work( childcare costs would swallow my salary), probably travel much less, not be able to read as much, and never get out of the house without at least half an hour of preparation. Sounds pretty dull to me.

I must move in very different circles. I don't believe anyone I know is jealous of moms with three; the general consensus seems to be "You poor thing. Rather you than me". Which is probably condescending and offensive, but than most of the mums I know with three have admitted that the third was an "accident."

i know a woman with eight kids who recently said to me 'I don't know whether to get a job, or have another baby'

ffs

you could go on forever

Thsi is interesting. Declaring an interest - I can't have more than 2 so have very mixed up feelings when my friends announce third pregnancies (and boy is it flavour of the month - half a dozen this year alone!). I always assumed that those feelings were because of my situation, so intrigued to find perfectly fertile people are also capable of being bitter and twisted about other peoples pregnancies
But I am also fairly shocked by how many people say ' you want 3, go ahead and have 3, what's the big deal' - usually those who have popped out 3 or 4 with no problems - haven't you lot ever met anyone with fertility problems/who found their partner too late in life/ who really can't afford a third?? Don't you think that some people's live might be a tad more complicated?

Oh yes, else 1196, as a SAHM with two small children I spent all day sitting on the sofa...

such a lazy and comfortable life indeed.

but also

emkana: I just laughed at that bit ... then I realised I was sat on the sofa with the laptop .

See, I knew there was a reason I was broody again

That's why I'm having a third, due any day...

I know! Can't wait to see your announcement!

I seem to be in baby central at the moment, loads of friends are having babies. If I were to get pregnant this August, there'd be the exact same gap between ds2 and baby 3 as there was between ds1 and ds2. Plus I keep looking at pretty frilly dresses in the baby aisle and wondering...

Problem is, like others have said, I'd like another baby but not another child. We don't have the space (3 bedroom house, my car is a Micra...) or the money or, quite frankly, the patience for a third. I'm also looking forward to my life starting again in the near future (well, I keep telling myself it will!). Dh is also dead against a third.

Doesn't stop the occasional bout of the green eyed monster though. No matter how impractical.

Well if pple really do have a 3rd instead of going back to work (doubt it tbh) they might well get a shock when it comes. I'd rather be a work anyday if it was an easy ride I was after Else1196 - probably 'cause my job involved lots of sitting in front of pc with build in lunch and coffee breaks.

I don't think its as simple as 2 is dullsville 3 is off the wall.......surely lots of things come into play. For me - I had 2 and thought I was stopping there, but then got pg completely by mistake, miscarried, couldn't feel right until was pg again. There are lots of reasons behind pgs, I know from my own limited circle.

Ah Georgina, I'm the other way round - I want another child, not another baby. Having said that, I'm enjoying ds's baby phase much more than I anticipated. Not really a baby person me.