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Original poster

Struggling to be happy for the peer-group couple who announce the Stealth Third Child

237 replies

suzywong · 02/06/2006 07:22

Anyone else?

I mean it's all well and good if you have always announce your intention to have more than two, but then to sneak another one in after a few years of being compadres in the quadrilateral 2+2 family/friends strata. But to sneak another child in, right under my nose!

I want to be happy for them, very happy - it's a wonderful thing of joy BUT why do I feel a slightly abrasive knot of jealoulsy in my stomach? Is this other couple blatantly announcing their superior dedication to children and chid rearing and happy families? Am I not dedicated enough? Was my confinement not sufficiently radiant, was my Maternal prowess not gracious and mild enough to make me and dh want another offspring?

Anyone else find it initially hard to be happy for contemporaries, I mean same age or older and pretty similar people, who suddenly announce a third child in the offing? I don't having this knot and I am jealous of their dedication and decisiveness.

Is this a syndrome or am I a bitter and twisted old hag?

OP posts:
Piffle · 02/06/2006 17:32

I totaly resent others with 3rd child as I have been trying to conceive ours for 3 YEARS!!!
First two were piece of bloody cake but no 3 is resisting...
So yes I begrudge all 3rd babies, even people who have been blatant about Walton size families.
My SIL has 4 and only planned 3 of them Shock

EmmyLou · 02/06/2006 17:43

Shock don't think i've ever felt smug having 3! On occasions, more like i've taken on more than i should have. Did always say I wanted 3...so its my own fault and i do love them when i have the energy to. Actually, my problem is not number of children but number of hours dh works. Yes...thats it - i'm the twisted old hag for blaming them - i just chose the wrong bloody father for them. Perhaps i should be feeling smug then...

LadyTophamHatt · 02/06/2006 17:46

Apart from the all consumming desparation I felt for No3 I also felt that having 2 was a bit text book.
Everyone has 2...I didn't want to be like everyone else.

Hah...I also rememebr saying to my cousin that I wouldn't have 4 because it was abit "council estate"....it is where I came from anyway.
I find myself feeling a little embarrassed when someone asks if this one is my 2nd when I have ds3 with me.
I do a little embarrassed head shake and say "Noo....it will be no4"
How bloody ridiculous is that then......

LadyWitchofWaterford · 02/06/2006 17:46

lol at stealth third child!

sunnydelight · 02/06/2006 18:11

Even though my sister had three of her own, when I got pregnant with no.3 her nose was seriously out of joint. When I compounded my impertinence by having a girl (she had three boys, I had two) her response was to totally ignore the fact that I had her (not QUITE as bizarre as it sounds as we live in different countries). We speak on the phone for an hour or so every couple of weeks when she tells me in details what all her three are up to and she asks about my boys. If I slip in a comment about DD it is quickly glossed over. She has never sent her anything remotely girlie as a present (baby prezzie was a blue outfit - and I know it was bought after she was born). There's feeling miffed and feeling miffed!

SoupDragon · 02/06/2006 18:18

I'm willing to lend BabyDragon to anyone wanting a stealth baby. She's not capable of stealth now mind you, she's too damn loud.

at LTH :o

SoupDragon · 02/06/2006 18:19

Sunnydelight, that's just plain weird!

mears · 02/06/2006 18:23

I knew I would have at least 4 children before I even got married. I knew I definitely did not just want 2, come hell or high water. I was really fortunate that I was able to have my dream but to be honest finance did not come into the equation. We technically could not afford as many children as we have but circumstances change as your family grows. I had 3 children in 1 room and we got a clapped out people carrier when we got to number 4. Our children do not get as much money spent on them as my 2 children family friends etc. Expensive school trips are out - no skiing trips for any of mine. Are they deprived? They think not.

Having more than 2 children is not a sign of dedication to childrearing or abilities to mother. Depends on how 'mad' you are IMO

sparklemagic · 02/06/2006 18:36

just wanted to add, in answer to the original post, as the very content mother to one child, I don't feel having one child means I am one atom less dedicated to him and rearing him and creating a happy family life for him. You spend as many hours in the day rearing one child as you do two or three. It's not part time!

EmmyLou · 02/06/2006 18:38

perhaps i should try new dh by stealth. But who would take on another man's 3 daughters? Sunnyd - your sister is just weird - in denial or scared of girls (i have come accross this in mothers of sons)

beansontoast · 02/06/2006 19:10

pmsl scampadoodle Smile

PrincessPeaHead · 02/06/2006 19:21

this is a really interesting thread. strange to think that people may have been looking at me in my 4th pregnancy with something akin to envy when I was SURE it was pretty much 100% pity at my clearly unhinged life-decisions! I do think 2 children is just incredibly safe and boring though.... as my dh says "you don't start getting really good family dynamics until there are at least 3 children around". I do slightly look at my friends with 2 children and think that life must be quite quiet and dull at home.

SoupDragon · 02/06/2006 19:22

quiet and dull... quiet and dull... hmmm. I'd like to give this quiet thing a go just to check :o

PrincessPeaHead · 02/06/2006 19:23

sd - spooned the 1st spoonful of wallpaperpaste into miss m's gob today in an attempt to quieten her down - shhhhhh, though don't tell anyone!

josben · 02/06/2006 19:26

Have read this thread with great interest as I am expecting 3rd child in 6 weeks (which was a happy accident), and I have been surprised at how many people when told have said 'God, you must be mad' and 'do you know what you're letting yourself in for!' Charming!
Although, I also pmsl at scamperdoodles observation of 3 children parents - "Look at me, I'm sooooo laid back & groovy & fertile, I can cope with constant chaos & no sleep". Grin

threebob · 02/06/2006 19:47

My friend apologised for having a 3rd baby, I told her not to be daft she's a wonderful mum and I love seeing her surrounded by her children. My favourite image is of her dh coming home and stealing a freshly made biscuit off the rack, giving everyone a kiss and going back off to work.

I know she feels left out when people talk about work.

bubble99 · 02/06/2006 19:49

Suze. I'm pg with number 4. Will you still talk to me?

bubble99 · 02/06/2006 19:50

I promise I'll come here for a sleep-deprived moan after he/she is born.

tigermoth · 02/06/2006 20:31

I do think there is a certain attraction in having three children. I don't feel it myself, but I can see others do. Take my three male cousins - brothers, the ones I never ever see now we are grown up. We grew up together, went on holidays and they are pretty much my only cousins - I have just one other who is in Washington.

They are close to each other and all of them have had three children each - so my aunt has nine grandchildren. They always seemed like a very happy, close familiy so have replicated that, I think. The downside is that they are very self sufficient - hardly surprising, really with all those children between them. They live a few hours drive away from me, but I only see them now at family funerals and weddings - rare occasions. They know I have no parents or siblings and I have really tried to stay in contact with them, but they never so much as send me a christmas card. I just know I come very low down on the pecking order - they have plenty of family close by and that keeps them busy. Just as well I have a lovely dh and children of my own.
Sorry to be a bit down but I suddenly rememberd what three children families mean to me.

On a brighter note - I wonder if any mumsnset third babies will be conceived as a result of this thread? Grin

YeahBut · 02/06/2006 21:07

This is such a brill thread! When I had my 2 dds, I was insanely jealous of people having their third. I couldn't explain why, I just wanted a another child! Gutwrenching longing it was too. We took the plunge Grin and now have our utterly divine ds. I really do feel our family is complete now there are three in a way I would not have done if we'd stuck at 2. How weird is that? However, I have absolutely NO desire to have a fourth and would take my hat off to those that do, if I ever wore one!!Smile

motherinferior · 02/06/2006 21:31

I kind of sort of exactly know just what you mean.

I always say that if I'd done this baby lark 10 years earlier I'd have had two, then a break, then another one or perhaps two more. But in reality, if I'd really been committed to having absolutely loads of Inferiorettes I could have managed at least three by now. And yet other people who do have their third make me really ahem quite jealous. In a way.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 02/06/2006 21:32

I agree with the idea that 2's too "right", and if I had a dd and a ds it would be too balanced. so having 2 dds is at least one element of asymmetry

bubblerock · 02/06/2006 21:39

I was the first of my close friends to settle down and have babies (2) and 7 years on none of them have joined me!! - Doesn't say much for my DS's does it?? Grin

I don't know about 3 or more kids being a status symbol though, I think that would depend on the rest of your circumstances. If I had a double buggy and 2 more kids trailing behind me I would look like a struggling young Mum on benefits not a woman with plenty of dosh. Blush

HarpsichordCarrier · 02/06/2006 21:39

yep, IKWYM. whenever I hear about someone getting pregnant I feel a visceral wrench of envy.
I long to be pregnant again.
I ache for another baby.
I am so sad that it probably won't happen

jamiesam · 02/06/2006 21:54

Ooh, thanks for putting your head above the parapet Cupcakes. I'm also pg with no 3, was VERY planned but I am not by any definition an earth mother!

Have been feeling crap (nervous) for most of pg so far and just realised towards the end of this week that I'm going through a good spell. Hope it lasts for the next 19 weeks!

Oddly enough, most of my friends would go for three I think and it's generally the dh (though not exclusively) who says no, but not from a £ point of view. When we decided to have children, I just got it into my head that we'd have three and have never wavered from that.