Struggling to be happy for the peer-group couple who announce the Stealth Third Child

[suzywong]

Anyone else?

I mean it's all well and good if you have always announce your intention to have more than two, but then to sneak another one in after a few years of being compadres in the quadrilateral 2+2 family/friends strata. But to sneak another child in, right under my nose!

I want to be happy for them, very happy - it's a wonderful thing of joy BUT why do I feel a slightly abrasive knot of jealoulsy in my stomach? Is this other couple blatantly announcing their superior dedication to children and chid rearing and happy families? Am I not dedicated enough? Was my confinement not sufficiently radiant, was my Maternal prowess not gracious and mild enough to make me and dh want another offspring?

Anyone else find it initially hard to be happy for contemporaries, I mean same age or older and pretty similar people, who suddenly announce a third child in the offing? I don't having this knot and I am jealous of their dedication and decisiveness.

Is this a syndrome or am I a bitter and twisted old hag?

As the mother of a boy and a girl (in that order - the ultimate stereotype) I do in a way feel that I am being a bit too conformist. But seen as how DD was the compromise between DH and me I know that I can't take it any further. But if I had more money and didn't work (I would be happy not to work if we could maintain this not particularly glamourous lifestyle) then I would like more children. I do still have the little secret yearning. So if anyone has more children than me I feel jealous that they are able to make that choice.

i'm too old for another.

Oooh I think I come into this category! When we first married dh and I decided to have 2, then a big gap, then another 2. We had 2 dds and I changed my mind ... then changed it back again and we now have ds and are planning to have a fourth.

I have to say that it never occurred to me that people might think I was smug, or feel jealous of me... pity yes ... !

suzy - when I was much younger I actually wanted four children but as I got started a little later than planned ( due to life circumstances) I am trying to have three - grewup as one of three and think that may play a part - dh grew up as one of two - he has a sister. He is okay about having three - if it happens but he was initially reluctant and only wanted two.

WHo knows - if we do have three - will I be left to traverse life here on Mumsnet suzyless......

friend of mine wants a third due methinks to the fact that other members of the family have had three and one of her friend have had three. She even tells people that i am not having anymore which p me off a bit cos i thought that was up to me and DH!

I don't think you can win (I have 4) Have 1 and people think you are selfish, have 2 and you have done your duty, have 3 and you are self-indulgent, have 4 and you are mad/sex mad(wtf?) or er selfish! I'm not on benefits, no longer a practising Catholic and I don't have a nanny! I do use contraception and all of my children were planned, I've never had a 'mistake'. I think people just like to comment on other people's private family life - I don't feel smug -just grateful to have such happy, healthy children (and a job!) I also don't 'love kids' in some altruistic way or I would foster - I love my kids! I do however feel a need to buck other people's expectations of me!

I hate it when people say 'that's the last one then..' as a statement rather than a question. It just makes me want to have more! And when people say 'gosh, you have your hands full' I just want to say 'yes and I have sex as well!'

the word 'asymmetry' strikes some sort of a chord with me womanwhothoughtshewasahat (how hard is it to type your nickname without hitting the space bar!). Could it really be because two is too neat? My eldest dd says i like things to be symmetrical (well you have to eat a whole row of chocolate you can't leave a square hanging there) but like in the garden - you wants a little asymmetry don't you? (thanks Monty) I think I always worried that if anythingshould go wrong, i didn't want a child to be left without a sibling. I am a worst case scenario kind of person. Maybe in some cavewoman way I'm covering my arse? (while making it bigger )

Have just been to see my sister who's just had her 3rd - there is something about a tiny 3 day old baby that just makes me think how wonderful it would be to have another (anyone know Sarah Day's poem 'Premonition'?) but its the tiny baby tugging at hormones of a 40 year old and not reality. They grow out of that tinybabymummycocoon too soon. I hate to admit it but i now feel too old. (Maybe thats why i had a third - to prove i wasn't past it??? )

I find it hard to be happy for anyone who tells me they are pregnant, but for the opposite reason! I have two lovely children of 5 and 7. A boy and a girl, all very neat (only neat set in my family in fact). Dh and I decided he would get the snip pretty much immediately after dd was born, and I'm afraid I feel "Thank God it's not me" when someone else tells me they are pregnant - although I hasten to say I wouldn't dream of saying anything negative to the mother/father concerned (and feel a bit bad that I am so negative inside). I don't really understand the three thing. If I ever did decide to have more (have considered adoption as a future option) then I would definitely go for another pair. But then I am one of four, so maybe that influences my decisions.

if i had been younger in starting family i would have had more that two. I could see myself having another one after ds1 but not this time.DH now has three boys. I think he really hoped for a girl i do feel sorry for that but not enough to try for a third.

This thread is great. Up until last weekend i had fiercely denied that i would have another child. I have two ds's and the youngest is like a mini tornado, always on the go getting up to mischief (and hes only 2) so i thought i would be mad to even think of having another but then dh admitted he would like another. At first i laughed and said i wasnt that stupid but then two days later i found myself seriously thinking about it. I have always wanted a girl and i started imagining what it would be like to have one, i know dh would like one too. Ive found myself reading up on all the methods to try to optimise your chances of having a girl (if its a boy that would be ok too though), ive even picked out the pram but even now i wonder if having a third is the right thing to do. We arent rich, we live in a 2bed flat, we wouldnt be able to go out on our own as much etc etc but at the same time i know that it is now or never, I want to have finished having babies by the time i am 30 (im 28 now), it may sound selfish but i still want to be fairly young when my kids are all grown up and left home so that i can spend quality time with dh doing our own things.

Having 2 children does seem perfect especially when it comes to holidays and days out (family's are always classed as 4 people) but the thought of never having another baby makes me feel quite sad especially when i see friends with their bumps or pushing prams. I would definately not have more than three though, i know i couldnt handle that. I have great admiration for those of you that do have more but its not for me (you watch me go and fall pregnant with twins now ). I guess everyones idea of the perfect family is different as long as you love your kids and are happy it doesnt matter if you have one or six.

we have 2 and dh hd the snip a couple of years ago. But I often secretly wish I could have more. Even though I felt strongly after No. 2 to 'quit while we were ahead'; in that I struggled a little with PND and we struggle a lot financially. I am also a world-class worrier and can't imagine spreading myself any thinner emotionally. We felt we had 'survived' with sense of humour, sanity and sex-life in tact and that another might push any of those catagories into red alert, IFSWIM :)But I do know exactly what SuzyW is saying, and I am thrilled from this thread that it's not just me
One of our coupley circle of friends has just had No3, and she now has 3 children at an age where I had just the one . Plus, we were 'the mummies who have boys' and now she has a girl...but nothing stays the same for ever, life is about change and adapting. I love my boys and at the moment, with them both at school and me finally back at work, I love my life. I really don't envy the sleepless night/lack of babysitters/crap body/parenting worries etc (But I do love babies :) )

I think that's my problem FMF - I just love babies too Funny - because after horrendous labour and first few months with dd1, it took me a good 3 years to be able to look at a tiny baby without any shuddering and recoiling. Now I hate the fact that I'll never have that special private bonding time when I can ignore the rest of the world and feel so essential to someone elses wellbeing. Stupid thought as my children need me still just in other ways which aren't so peaceful. (new baby? Peaceful?) But I have three children so maybe this should be another thread...

Perhaps some of us are destined to feel pangs of jealousy/yearning however many children we have. Just have to wait for grandchildren now.

Having had, what feels like, a virtually sleepless last year, feel no envy whatsoever for the the 3kids+ families. And I used to want 3 (come from a family of 3). But with an 8 year gap between mine and different dads, don't think I've conformed to the conventional 2 kid model anyway really. Of course, having lots of kids when you have pots of money is a whole different kettle of fish.

Yes, yes about the "asymetry" thing, why would I upset the perfect life I have with dp, ds and dd, especially at the ripe old age of 41?, and yet here I am eagerly awaiting no. 3. It's like I have to kick against the neatness of it all. I see how fatuous (sp?) that sounds but instinct is such a powerful thing. It just seems the right thing to do.

lol AdeleaideS - my kids kick against the neatness all the time. But I know what you mean.

So true, Suzywong. Have just managed to "catch up" with our peer group (why on earth do I feel like that?) by having no. 2 and now one lot have just had a third (sneakily living abroad so didn't notice pregnancy!), one lot have had fourth (although don't feel anxious here - 4 is too many for me!) and rest are talking about no.3. Why can't they just enjoy having 2 kids? why do they have children so close together so I don't have time to catch up? how are they able to conceive, carry and push them out so easily and quickly? why do I care? why can't I just enjoy having mine without feeling pressure to join the gang with another one?

Thought I was the only one feeling like this. Glad I'm not.

All you mums who are jealous of these women having their 3rd baby- if it bothers you so much then have another! I only have one young DD but I know that if I really felt so terribly jealous I'd have another, screw the money, surely your family is more important!

oh god this thread makes me want a fourth!!!!
Am I too old? 38.....

It's not jealousy - it's feeling under pressure to produce again when you hear others have produced a third. Irrational, I know, but there it is.

Incidently, I would, as it happens, like a third but a) I only had dd 3 weeks ago and want to enjoy her, and b) I don't find it as easy to conceive, carry and give birth as quickly and regularly as my birth popping friends seem to do so not sure if and when!

Oh dizietsma! If only it were always that easy.

Aisle number 4 in Tescos, get your new babies here! Conception and carrying to full-term not a problem!

Every day I wake up and thank the Lord that I only have two children.
I pity people with more....
Their lives are a flurry of dirty socks,wet wipes,sticky furniture,filthy cars and whingeing.

So you're not the anon uptheduff person on the other thread then moondog? Me too, I wouldn't have another if oyu offered me a million quid, much as I love the 2 I have.

lol no
Had a lovely soiree in (drum roll please)Michelin starred hotel the other night and people seem to think we will have news to share in 9 months however.