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Original poster

Struggling to be happy for the peer-group couple who announce the Stealth Third Child

237 replies

suzywong · 02/06/2006 07:22

Anyone else?

I mean it's all well and good if you have always announce your intention to have more than two, but then to sneak another one in after a few years of being compadres in the quadrilateral 2+2 family/friends strata. But to sneak another child in, right under my nose!

I want to be happy for them, very happy - it's a wonderful thing of joy BUT why do I feel a slightly abrasive knot of jealoulsy in my stomach? Is this other couple blatantly announcing their superior dedication to children and chid rearing and happy families? Am I not dedicated enough? Was my confinement not sufficiently radiant, was my Maternal prowess not gracious and mild enough to make me and dh want another offspring?

Anyone else find it initially hard to be happy for contemporaries, I mean same age or older and pretty similar people, who suddenly announce a third child in the offing? I don't having this knot and I am jealous of their dedication and decisiveness.

Is this a syndrome or am I a bitter and twisted old hag?

OP posts:
LadyCodofCOdford · 03/06/2006 14:56

agree with moondog
two dullsville

spec boy and a girl

LadyCodofCOdford · 03/06/2006 14:56

arf! no agree wiht pph! not moondog

Eulalia · 03/06/2006 15:06

Interesting thread. :)

To some my 3rd was a stealth child, my mother was bloody rude when I told her I was pg. Glad I had him though and ds1 and dd both think he's wonderful. For us it was a kind of twos company threes a crowd kind of thing.

knakered · 03/06/2006 15:18

I always approached it as lets see how we cope with each one. 1st took some time to concieve as did no 2 - spent some time thinking with the first that this was it - I was only going to have 1 child then no2 turned up and straight way no3 - so I had 3 children under 3 - it was vv difficult although I was also battling PND at the same time so not sure if it was the 3 children or the PND that made the early years so rotten or "challenging".....anyway felt quite cheated that it was not so great - pined for a 4th just to make it all better - it got better anyway have just had my 4th (she is 15 days old) and I couldnt be happier - she is wonderful - I fell blessed to experience the newborn bliss again which I didnt get with no3...the other children as they are older really enjoy the baby and they are easy to manage compared with 3 under 3 which was chaos. My desire for a 4th was quite irrational we let it go for some time (4years) but I never got over it - the jealousy thing got me every time my friends had a 4th...I even remember getting jealous of people in the newspapers with 4 - complete strangers - I was scared that I would get PND again and this time it would blight 6 peoples lives - but I also decided that the PND would not rob me of my future also. I took them all to the GP the other morning first time out with 4 - I felt like the old woman who lived in the shoe - I am determined that this will be a wonderful experience for the whole family our new daughter is a gift to her older siblings - she will teach them patience, empathy, love etc ...the chilled out/laid back approach is the only way to go with bigger families....I am savouring every second of this beautiful time - a 5th is in my mind but I am 39 and that might tip us back into chaos again

Original poster
suzywong · 03/06/2006 15:21

This is a good thread isn't it, even if I do say so myself. Blush

And thanks to it I am able to approach feeling genuine happiness for my particular peer-group friends today. However just for a moment when the four of us, DH, me and a the 2 Fragrant Wong boys in their matching new PJs were frolicing on the bed together just before bedtime I wondered if I could perceive a baby-shaped gap, but it was fleeting and arbitrary. So that's all right then isn't it. Smile

Soooo glad it's not just me though

OP posts:
spacecadet · 03/06/2006 15:26

i will happily lend my four children to anyone who needs reminding to use contraceptionGrin

kama · 03/06/2006 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HarpsichordCarrier · 03/06/2006 19:47

I have been sniggering all day at the Stealth Thrd Child
nice turn of phrase Grin

Issymum · 03/06/2006 20:30

" I think it is now very trendy these days in a middle class, Boden family sort of way, to have at least 3 children, often 4 or more. Probably because it's a sign of how affluent you are - with 3 or more kids it's hard for it to be financially viable for the mother to work."

Interesting Scampadoodle. A New York friend told me recently that a minimum of four children is "de rigeur" in smart Manhattan. In a place of exorbitant property prices and unfeasible school fees, a large brood of children is the ultimate status symbol.

vkone · 03/06/2006 21:32

I have this with SIL, we've only got one child and whilst I'd like another in theory, I'm not sure we'll do it, anyway SIL has one older child and one younger so both brought up a only children, so I thought, great this is setting an example THEN she goes and has another baby AND chooses my favorite name for the child Envy so some (very) small and grubby part of me feels like she's had my 2nd child Sad

moondog · 03/06/2006 21:40

Two nephews have just left after four day visit.
Love 'em to bits but after civilised dinner al fresco with or two andbed time routine that lasted no longer than 20 mins.once again,thNK cHRIST HVE only two...
(s0 happy reabovethatfrnkly,alittle pissed..)

expatinscotland · 03/06/2006 21:42

there goes my theory that moondog was 'uptheduffandincognito'.

caterpiller · 04/06/2006 00:28

I have 5 and get tired of constantly being noticed when out. Some people are actually quite rude, asking things like 'Are you Catholic?' etc Angry.

I wasn't aware that so many mums of 2 or less are so touchy about this subject. I certainly don't make judgements about their abilities as parents. They wanted 2 kids, we wanted 5. What's the big deal?

As for the 'Status Symbol' idea, I'm sorry but that is complete c**p. Maybe people who think like this are just jealous and insecure.

Original poster
suzywong · 04/06/2006 00:29

wow, do I detect a drop of bile there caterpillar?

OP posts:
jampots · 04/06/2006 00:40

I owuld be mortified if I became pregnant again - am perfectly happy with 2 to be honest. Most of my friends have 3 or even 4 children and one even has 5 and each to their own. I personally think having 3 seems more commonplace than 2 nowadays though so feel suitably rebellious by stopping at 2 :)

OzJo · 04/06/2006 07:50

I have Dd,3, Ds,11 months, and I'm SO glad to be through what I found the hardest bit...ie, the first 6 months. But that's just me. I didn't particularly enjoy being pregnant, REALLY didn't enjoy giving birth & feel really lucky to have the two we've got. so I don't envy people with 3. I have a mate with 3 girls, youngest 6 months and she's already sad that the youngest is " past that really cute baby phase"....I'm just much better at it all now I can sleep better, talk to one of them, and have my evenings back. Serious birth control in situ, so that's us sorted...:)

Eulalia · 04/06/2006 09:18

A lot of your decision to have more than two depends on so many things... I mean like your finances, amount of space, how much support you get, the age of the other kids, dynamics between them and so on. You can't really say there is a syndrome as such (although I realise this is a bit tongue in cheek).

My 3 are hard work because the eldest has special needs so it often feels like I have a 2 year old as the eldest, next is only aged 4 and youngest is a baby. Other families there are 4 or 5 and they seem to manage easily, but of course once you've got to 4th child then obviously the eldest is going to be fairly sensible and able to help out.

Each to their own.

kayzed · 04/06/2006 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyCodofCOdford · 04/06/2006 16:29

but how long are they your peer group for
it hink baby thype mates are wuite trainsient

dinosaure · 04/06/2006 16:48

Don't see the problem. You got two, you want another, you have another. A third one is really very easy...

caterpiller · 04/06/2006 17:16

Grin Kayzed. I'm as abnormal as you.

Suzywong, my comment is neither malicious nor angry. I mean it in all seriousness. If it were me reacting in this way to news of a friend's pregnancy, I would try to figure out why. That's what I mean.

JoshandJamie · 04/06/2006 18:40

I'm getting on this great thread late but thought I'd add my bit. I have two boys (19 months apart). I have felt that for the last 3 years I've had jetlag thanks to the permanent lack of sleep. I've definitely been in a fashion coma having gone from maternity ware to post baby frump to maternity ware to post baby frump. And my brain has turned to mush. I've just got back in shape, have started my own business and even got better clothes. The thought of being pregnant again, giving birth again and going through that baby stage sounds bloody hideous to me (and I had dead easy pregnancies and births).

But sometimes I wonder if it would be nice to have a girl - not for now, but for when I'm older and we can have a mother and daughter bond that you just don't get with sons. So far, none of our friends have had 3 but I bet I will be envious when they do.

mousie · 04/06/2006 21:13

fabulous thread, have really enjoyed everyone's posts. All I can say that I think people who have three kids clearly have not had the same experience as me of having two kids.... (unless twins are involved of course..) I just assume that whenever someone announces a third. And usually I am right - two nice placid bundles, who eat and sleep and play nicely. Why would you not have a third if this was the case?!

kickassangel · 04/06/2006 21:26

I know what people mean about staus symble. in a group of 3 couples, one couple has 3 kids (started before us, when we were going through the hell of IVF), the other couple has 2, we have one. i get fed up of comments about * is SUCH a great mum, looking after 3 kids, you wouldn't understand, you've never looked after more than one. it's so much easier to be a mum if you only have one kid. so all my years working with cildren, getting THREE kids to sleep at a time, helping with a huge extended family, taking friend's kids out with mine etc, don't count. when we're together, i'm expected to do cooking, cleaning etc, but not allowed to choose a meal because i'm not a porper mum!!

2littleterrors · 04/06/2006 22:35

Hi I'm new to mumsnet, and reading this thread takes me back to 1 year ago,when i was feeling ultra broody, the sight of a newborn baby made me go all gaga!!!. Anyway dh wasnt too keen on the idea and soon put me on the straight and narrow.Made me see sense that we have one of each why rock the boat. And im glad i listened as we are such a happy family of 4,youngest one is about to start fulltime school.We have our life back to normal, no more sleepless nights, dirty nappies, toddler tantrums etc,etc,etc