Struggling to be happy for the peer-group couple who announce the Stealth Third Child

[suzywong]

Anyone else?

I mean it's all well and good if you have always announce your intention to have more than two, but then to sneak another one in after a few years of being compadres in the quadrilateral 2+2 family/friends strata. But to sneak another child in, right under my nose!

I want to be happy for them, very happy - it's a wonderful thing of joy BUT why do I feel a slightly abrasive knot of jealoulsy in my stomach? Is this other couple blatantly announcing their superior dedication to children and chid rearing and happy families? Am I not dedicated enough? Was my confinement not sufficiently radiant, was my Maternal prowess not gracious and mild enough to make me and dh want another offspring?

Anyone else find it initially hard to be happy for contemporaries, I mean same age or older and pretty similar people, who suddenly announce a third child in the offing? I don't having this knot and I am jealous of their dedication and decisiveness.

Is this a syndrome or am I a bitter and twisted old hag?

Go around after it's born - I promise you you will feel GREAT!

Much as I love my friend with 3 I always leave her house and sink into the relative quietness of mine.

Agree with threebob - I am at the stage where all my friends (and I mean all) have had their second child and I am just enjoying the relative peace now ds is 3. I feel quite jealous each time another one announces pregnancy / gives birth, but to be honest I would have probably got around to having another one by now if I had not have seen at close quarters how bloody awful it looks being pregnant and tired while running round after a toddler, feeling guilty once the baby is born, the jealousy from older child etc etc.

Agree it was mean of them to sneak one in though. Buy them a crap present when the baby is born :)

Hijacking a bit here...
For me it depends on who it is.
One of my post-natal mums gave birth to her second child last week.
Really happy for her.
My sil ( who have been really nasty to me for the last year) is due to give birth to her second soon.
My jealousy of her is intense.
Why is this.

Your feelings sound very normal.
Is your jealousy partly because she 'snuck it in' ?

I have had this too - a friend I met when we were both pg with our twins has just told me she is 12 wks pg with her 3rd( and thankfully not 4th too). I was very low for a while about it, but imagining her with 6yr old twins and a 1 year old has cheered me up no end. Also the thought of her juggling her boys demanding social schedules, classes, etc, with newborn feeds, sleeps etc. I think it is something to do with breaking the symmetry of 2 kids, 2 hands, the "standard" family that causes these feelings of panic - like breaking the rules. I think its ok to feel jealous in your heart, but I am letting my head rule this one and sticking with the status quo.

Hmm, can't answer this, probably because we were the ones to have the third! Out of my ante-natal group, apart from one couple who moved away and so no longer in our social circle, dh and I were the only ones to go beyond 2 children. Don't know how the others felt, but we felt great about it .

could that third pregnancy have been an accident? this would be my first assumption. Not that the happy couple were super dedicated and decisive.

LOL at your crisis of confidence regarding your maternal prowess (sorry!). Taking this line of thought, I am a simply awful mother, totally lacking in maternal feeling, because on hearing news of a third baby my overwhelming reaction is 'so Bl*y glad it's not me'

Mind you, my contemporaries are in their mid 40s, so many are getting past the shall-we-have-another-baby stage of life.

I never, ever feel envy at someone else's pregnancy - pity, more like, especially when I think of the baby and toddler years to follow. Better ban myself from mumsnet now!

now that's a well-thought out rant and a half

My cousin has just had her third and I am so fuming mad about it that I am really annoying myself now. Although I think my annoyance is a bit more complicated. They have had a third and will be getting a nice bigger council house to move into really soon, her DH has just gone part time to keep the benefits flowing and can claim free retraining as he is "bored" with current job AAAAAAGGGGGHHH. No-one is about to hand me an extra £100, 00 so we can stay in the area and buy a house with an extra bedroom. There is no way DH could afford more time off work with or without an extra load on the mortgage - let alone pay for re training fees. We would dearly love another baby but JUST CAN’T AFFORD IT. I guess that is what make me mad. So here I am, wrapping up a little pink outfit for the new baby with a nicely written congrats card, will coo appropriately and keep my non pc comments to myself. Don’t get me wrong - I am not saying that you should not be allowed to have children if you are on benefits etc - just having an irrational and selfish "why not me - it’s not fair!" paddy about it all :)

(meant 100k for bigger house :( ) If only it were 10K we would be fine..

Suzywong I TOTALLY agree

But I'm the same when I see friends with 3 or 4 children

I am torn between wanting to cackle HAHA YOU FOOLS! and wanting to sob with jealously

ah fickle heart (and womb)

I have moments where I look at people expecting their third and think "I wish..." but then I remember reading somewhere that once the number of children in a family is greater than the number of adults then they take control and you are outnumbered and in trouble !

Can't see the problem with Stealth Third Children myself.

:) soupdragon

i liiiike the word stealth.

it is a bitter twisted syndrome.

even i am feeling it!

Of course, the right response is to go for Stealth Triplets or something, just to get one up on them.

You are of course a bitter and twisted old hag

No, seriously, I completely understand where you are coming from Suzy. I have only recently (like, in the last couple of weeks) completely reconciled myself to having 2 children - got far too much on my plate at the moment and by the time all my other hassles are at an end DD will be over 3 and I just CAN'T have 3 children with 4 year gaps between each ...

I have a few friends who have 'accidentally' had a third and TBH, ALL of them say if they knew how hard it would be they wouldn't have been so careless ... this is different to the earth mother types who have purposefully had 3 or 4 or more ....

Two of my friends are pg with their 3rd babies (both planned pregnancies) and are struggling with running after 2 when pg ... so I feel sorry for them and am really glad it isn't me ...

BUT - that doesn't stop me sometimes feeling insanely jealous of them ... that they will breastfeed again and have that 'better than drugs' experience of holding their baby for the first time ....

And then I look at DD while she is throwing her 15th full on Terrible Twos tantrum of the day and think "Never ever ever again am I ever having another child ever"

Little newborn babies are sooo gorgeous its hard not to feel jealous I think. I've got 3 meself. Its afterwards that the hard work comes. Go round after about ooo 6 weeks and how much fun it is.........don't worry your not an old hag. Are you??

You're right to feel annoyed. I am pg with my third (amongst a group of friends who all have two) and I do feel incredibly smug and pleased with myself.
Come back next year and I doubt I'll be the smug one anymore.
It does seem to surprise everyone - I'm only 11 weeks and I've already been asked several times if it was an accident.

I think you are all slightly crazy, though I am loving the concept of stealth baby! I had two, boy and girl and planned to stop there. Then came along the stealth twins, unplanned, and giving me four children under 5 years of age. I lvoe them all to bits, and do enjoy having a big family, but I am still envious of those who have the freedom of a 'normal' family. Mainly not having to drive an MPV, being able to go to hotels, being able to send them all off to family for sleepover together, not taking an hour to get them all out the door, not being stared at for being a lunatic trying to control 4 children on daytrips...I could go on!

I think they just wanted the government baby bonus to do some renovations or a holiday just kidding.

we are still deciding/trying etc for no3 - so we haven't really said anything to anyone cause I could not stand the eternal - well are you or aren't you?!?!?! so have just said we are thinking about it - which we are in fact doing.

Happy with my two girls but feel like something is not complete - mind you - I know i really would have my plate full with three.

no you are not a bitter and twisted old hag - unless you want to be

I know where you're coming from suzy. the thing that really annoys me is the decisiveness thing. It annoys me intensely the extent to which I take into account other people, how many kids they have, what they will think of me, in deciding whether to have no 3. and, irrational as it is, I would feel betrayed and a bit cheated, if friends with 2 went on to a third. (And by friends who stop at one, thta doesn;t seem fair either). Having said that, I don;t have many friends with the same 2 with a 2 year gap, whihc is probably a good thing.

it's de rigeur to have three now though, ain't it?