What is the most unintentionally funny thing your DP has said or done?

[Psammead]

When I was in labour with Dd2 and having fairly strongish contractions, I asked Dh to play some silly games to take my mind of it all for a bit. Just something really easy and childish where I wouldn't have to think too hard. I suggested 20 questions. I went first and he guessed it quite quickly (heliopter, I think), and then it was his turn. I must have asked 50 questions. Totally clueless. Very frustrated. No closer to guessing it than I was after question 1. So I asked him to just tell me the answer. You know what he had picked? As something simple and easy as a quick distraction while his wife was preparing to push out a 9 pounder?

The Nobel Prize for Physics.

The Nobel fricking prize for sodding physics.

I laughed so hard when he revealed the answer that a midwife came running in as the comtraction chart went all screwy.

I have a little book I note them down in Psammead...might try and dig it out and let you have some more.

Ahem...here are some more gems....

Hippos are bigger than dogs, aren't they?
Do spiders have heads? Nah, they don't do they. They're just a body with eyes.
Can you imagine if wasps were as big as dogs? They'd fuck us up.
If ants were as big as dogs they'd rule the world...I mean..they could throw cars at us!

DH: (having just finished eating a whole seabass) You know there's a way to tell which bits of a fish you can & can't eat.
Me: What's that then?
DH: Yeah, it's like on telly when a cat eats a fish and ends up with just the head, backbone and tail left.
Me: What?
DH: You know, like in the....no, hang on, I'm thinking of cartoons aren't I?

DH: (pointing to large moth flapping about on the floor) Is that alive?
Me: Yes. Yes it is. You can tell by all the moving about it's doing.
DH: No. I mean, do you know what it's going to do next?
Me: I really don't
DH: I'm not asking the right questions. I mean, is it going to die?
Me: Maybe. It doesn't look very well.
DH: (quietly) I wasn't asking the right questions.

DH: Have you seen those eggs on the buffet?!
Me: Which eggs?
DH: There are whole eggs on the buffet! I mean, how are you meant to eat them!?
Me: Well....
DH: (interrupts) Are you supposed to eat them raw?
Me: No. They're boiled eggs.
DH: Oh. (sits quietly for a while) Is this going in your book?
Me: Yes.

There are more....

Oooh. i think I've fallen a little bit in love with your husband. Especially after the moth one

In a posh wine shop.

Me "these wines are Bordeaux that's why their so pricey"

Dh "ports French isn't it?"

Me "no"

Dh "where's port from?"

Me "Portugal" desperately trying to tell if he's winding me up because of my upbringing with alcohol loving parents it's obvious.

Dh "no really where's it from?"

I laughed a bit.

Yes, I am a cow.

Dawn How old is your husband? He sounds like my 5 year old asking random questions

I can quite understand why your DH failed to learn from the pushchair / kerb incident the first time Dawn!

I tweet the stupid thing my DH says. Following his 'if snow were black' musing I said, "You know what I'm going to say..." DH: "You're going to tweet that. "

In fact, most of the silly things he says are followed by "please don't tweet that!"

I do even it up a little by tweeting the occasional stupid thing that I say. The most recent one was:
Me: "The car on the front of this booklet looks just like ours."
DH: "It's the owner's manual... "

SocietyClowns He is 33

dawn

Dawn, your DH's animal/creature related comments are beyond hilarious

"If ants were as big as dogs they'd rule the world...I mean..they could throw cars at us!".
**

Dawn your DH sounds fabulous!

This was my dad, not my DH. we went to see him just after he'd listened to a programme about bats on Radio 4: "Did you know - bats have midwives! Some female bats actually go and help others when they're giving birth.To be honest with you, I always thought they laid eggs....'"

DH: "If we bought a cordless phone would we need to pay line rental?"

DH turn at making tea...Finding large amounts of crisp iceberg lettuce on a plate with steak n kidney pie, peas and mash. "It needed using up"

DH came home from the commute home looking red and subdued. I asked him what was wrong but he wouldn't tell me.
Later on, after some wine, he did eventually tell me.

At the time we were potty training DD3 and she was at the let out a bit of wee then wail that her knickers were wet stage.
So we always used to take clean underwear with us everywhere.
DH was on a very crowded tube, felt himself about to sneeze and grabbed his handkerchief from his pocket. As he blew his nose, he realised people were looking at him and looked down to find he had his nose buried in a pair of DD's knickers.
The tube stopped at that moment and he made the decision to get off and wait for the next train.

Aww, come on MNHQ - I suggested this thread was moved to 'Mumsnet Classics', not 'Other Subjects' ... nobody will be able to find it [bconfused]

(Actually, I've already reported the 'strange move'. Who's got their finger on the button this evening - too much haggis and whisky chez MNHQ? [bgrin])

DawnOfTheDee laughing so much at your DH there are tears!

my DH insisted I shouldn't have taken my neck pillow on honeymoon with me as it took up too much room, he said it would be just as much use if I just to let the cat sh1t on it!

but the best one is my DFiL I actually write his down, brilliant! Advert on TV for a 3 bird roast, DFiL "oh we had one of those last year, chicken, turkey and ham"

I keep laffin at bats n eggs spiderlight

My DH once suggested to save money I should buy mince that is minced more finely because you were paying for less air inbetween the meat. Despite pointing out you bought mince by weight so it didn't matter, he just could not see it. This is the highly qualified engineer who knows all about physics, maths, etc

:o Dawn. "Is this going in your book?" hahahahaha brilliant!

DP calls his down below area his "appendice" instead of appendage.

I've read the whole thread, and my prize goes to Pollykitten's DH

My ex and I went looking for a new bed and pulled into a retail park to see a new shop had opened, the Bed Depot.

"Oh how lucky is that" said ex "there's a bed dee pot".

He thought depot was prounounced dee pot, like tea pot.

DH (biology graduate) and I took his SIL out for a drink after the arrival of her first child. Went out early as SIL mentioned that, what with the stitches, she couldn't really stand so needed to be sure of a seat.

Coming home, DP comments "I didn't think SIL had a CS"?
Me: Umm, no, she didn't
DP: So where are the stitches?
Me: [Provides explanation of where, and why]
DP:
Me: [Laughter for next ten minutes]

It got better though. Mentioned story to DM, in DP's presence. She snorted and came out with "Well, I had stitches too, but we only had shiny loo paper to wipe with back then". Why didn't I have a camera for that one?

Passing the Lewis Grassic Gibbon centre I suggested we stop and visit and have afternoon tea. As we got in the door, dh looks around and says "I can't see the monkeys" me "what?" Dh "maybe they are behind the curtain" me