What is the most unintentionally funny thing your DP has said or done?

[Psammead]

When I was in labour with Dd2 and having fairly strongish contractions, I asked Dh to play some silly games to take my mind of it all for a bit. Just something really easy and childish where I wouldn't have to think too hard. I suggested 20 questions. I went first and he guessed it quite quickly (heliopter, I think), and then it was his turn. I must have asked 50 questions. Totally clueless. Very frustrated. No closer to guessing it than I was after question 1. So I asked him to just tell me the answer. You know what he had picked? As something simple and easy as a quick distraction while his wife was preparing to push out a 9 pounder?

The Nobel Prize for Physics.

The Nobel fricking prize for sodding physics.

I laughed so hard when he revealed the answer that a midwife came running in as the comtraction chart went all screwy.

Flobbadobs, my DP does this frequently also. It never seems to occur to him that we have a large 'overmantel' mirror in the bedroom which I use when I'm drying my hair - but he doesn't just go for my bum, it's also a 'boob grab' - I can see you DP, you idiot!

I've just remembered another one from a few years ago when we were on holiday in Cornwall (we live in London). We went to a newsagent to buy the newspapers. Or rather, I was picking up a selection of papers whilst DP was hovering.

DP : Fru, don't forget The Standard
Me : What Standard?
DP : The Evening Standard, of course (with a 'you idiot' look on his face)
Me : So .... you mean the London Evening Standard?
DP : Yes (the 'you idiot' look was still there!)
Me : DP, we're in Cornwall - that's a London paper, what makes you think they sell them here?
DP :
Me :

Pollykitten, that is hilarious!!

On holiday many years ago we drove up the Cheddar Gorge.

My husband didn't believe it was the Cheddar Gorge, he even stopped and checked the map. When I asked why, he said "I thought it would be orange like cheese".

Not my dh but my ds was wearing a cheap plastic ring (on his middle finger) and in the middle of the pub one Sunday lunch literally flicked my dh the bird and shouted kiss my ring daddy, i nearly wet myself (as did half the pub):)

My DH is very academic but lacking in the common sense dept.

" hair removing cream??? WTF does that do??!!"

Sigh :)

I suppose the most funniest thing my DH has said (pre dc) was "I feel sorry for women that breastfeed"

Me = why
DH = well they have to put a needle into there nipple so the milk can come out

Que me crying with laughter, bless him. It's what his friend told him apparently

Going camping last summer with DC's of 6 & 2 in the car, we decide to play a game of I Spy. Mine are nice simple ones like tree, & car. 6 years olds are road & window. DP has us going for ages with 2 words starting with a & b. Guess what it was? Arcove barrier! I'd only ever known it as a central reservation how the kids were supposed to get it is beyond me

My dh once described my vagina: "some women look like a packet of ham but yours is lovely"

After watching one born every minute I said something about a VBAC, DH looked a bit confused and said he couldnt see the point.

I pondered this response and said that some women want to have a natural birth despite a CS first time.

He looked rather bemused so I asked him to describe what he thought one was. The twit thought it meant the incision is made and then the baby is pushed out through the birth canal.

My dh when he was married to his exw was in France with her and they fancied a bit of the other but didn't have any condoms so dh went to the pharmacy but couldn't see any on the shelves. He asked for "an aperetif" cue a confused looking assistant. He said it quite a few times to her bemused at her stupidity after all he was speaking her language...... but then it dawned on him he should have been asking for a "preservatif" not "aperetif" which is something completely different!!

Please excuse me terrible spelling of the French words but you get the gist!

My English (we live in Kent) DP asked me upon preparation for his first trip to Scotland (my home country) with me if we needed to "change our money up".

I howled then promptly called many people to share in the hilarity.

MadameOvary

Sorry need to ask, probably showing my age here, asked DP who didn't know either. What is vanilla sex?

babs
I'd bet good money it's what you do!

When I finally got a positive pregnancy test and proffered it to DH, he first asked what it meant, then he asked me: Why did you test? Were you bored?!

When we were driving down a country road a sheep was ambling along in front of us-dh said "If that sheep's not careful it will end up as bacon!!"
It took him ages to see why dd and I were giggling.

For my DH is mostly animal related stuff. Have no clue why.

DH: Look! Cows!
Me: They're horses

Other things he has said:

"Do monkeys have fingers?"
"Giraffes walk on 2 legs don't they?"
When looking at a toy triceratops "Is it a giraffe...no, wait...it's a triceratops...or a cow..?"
"Do foxes have feet? Or hooves? No...it's feet isn't it"
"What's a baby horse called? Is it a donkey?"

Readers....I married him....

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots

Now I really need to know.

Vanilla sex = nothing kinky, just normal sex.

This thread is amazing.

The xmas shop.

We were watching a new show on television, and I decided to read the reviews online on my tablet. The first one I saw was the Guardian critic's, and he wasn't impressed. I said to my DP, "Ooh this review's pretty scathing".

His response: "Scathing good or scathing bad?"

This thread is genius.

Megglevache, I loved your Xmas thread

Prison escape? Spill!