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Original poster

I have smacked my child and can't see how I could avoid it... tell me how awful I am

199 replies

Fastasleep · 28/01/2006 20:55

This is sort of a confession of a post, because some people (not many!) might still think I'm a 'goodmum'... but I just felt like I had to say that I've smacked my 23 month old on more than one ocassion, and I probably will again...

I can't seem to help it, it seems like a completely natural reaction and it happens before I even think - I smacked him yesterday on the back of his head, not hard, but a smack, as he sunk his teeth into my arm and drew blood... I've also smacked him forcefully 'off' his baby sister as her scratched at her eyes (he cut her eyeball, I know that's no excuse but still)... I'd like to say I always use the naughty chair, and in 95% of incidents I do, but the times when I don't it happens before my brain even engages.... I don't know how I'm meant to not do it!

Am I a terrible parent who needs anger management? I'm a calmish person...

OP posts:
Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 21:50

I think self defence is self defence and therefore ok whether it's illegal to smack your child or not. I don't think there should be an outright ban on smacking, but of course no one should be allowed to really hurt their child (on purpose!)

I think sometimes we need to remember that mental and verbal things can hurt more and last longer than a quick slap on the bum.... I know the 'get out of my sight and don't come back you little shitface' for knocking over a cup of tea (and various other things, it was a favourite phrase!) will be remembered more painfully than the smack on the arse I got for answering (yelling) back.

jimjams this post must seem so trivial.

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harpsichordcarrier · 29/01/2006 21:51

it's horrible
sorry I used to do a lot of domestic violence work and I used to be in the middle of lots of arguments/disagreements about how hard someone was hit
pointless and terrible

Blossomhill · 29/01/2006 21:52

I do apologise to everyone for the title of that but it was the only piece I could find that actually talked about the law in this country

harpsichordcarrier · 29/01/2006 21:52

sorry fastasleep I am NOT having a go at you AT ALL. just that web page
I do understand your position and how it happened, as per my previous posts

lunarx · 29/01/2006 21:52

my son, 19 months now, drives me somedays to the point of practical insanity.
but as a child was hit (smacked, is an understatement) i know what its like to grow up with a real fear of your parents. (this is where my stance on hitting a child comes from.)

if you find that you are having a hard time coping (as you said "you probably will again"), perhaps talk to your HV/GP. plenty of positive parenting resources out there. and plenty of parents raise children without smacking them.

but first, i guess you have to ask yourself if this is the method of discipline you want to use...(i'm sensing guilt in your post...)

its not impossible! lots of mothers will atest to this! and the support to not hit IS out there. (much more readily available in the UK than in the US, i'll tell you that!)

i know my son will test my patience more and more as he approaches 2. and i've had to seriously do work on MY coping mechanisms. (which have included putting him in his playpen, letting him scream for a bit and going outside to get myself back together.)

do i judge you? hell no. not my place to.

harpsichordcarrier · 29/01/2006 21:53

not having a go at you either BH

Angeliz · 29/01/2006 21:54

fastasleep, sorry don't mean to sound pedantic about this but, does your son then have the right to defend himself back? Or is your hit the last one?

Blossomhill · 29/01/2006 21:54

Thanks HC

Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 21:57

My hit was self defence in getting him off my arm. My smack was through a (full!!) nappy for cutting his 2 month old sisters gums with a pastry cutter.. my child does not live in fear of me and I think his teeth are proof that he can blooming well defend himself!

I do not smack my child as a rule. Defensive and instinctual strikes to stop him mid-bite are nothing to do with discipline, and he doesn't live in fear of me.

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Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 22:02

I'm quite sure that if he does bite again that yes instinct will kick in again and I'll thwack the nearest bit of him to stop him from causing real damage to me.

I don't think I'll ever smack him again, I didn't realise he was capable of doing things like that to his sister and it really deeply shocked me, that doesn't make spanking him the right form of punishment though, holding him on the naughty chair and getting him to apologise is the best course of action, I do realise that.

If I was the mother of an SN child then I'd have to train myself to not defend myself in that way, I'm not even sure I could train myself to not do it...JimJams and mothers like her are amazing people.

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lunarx · 29/01/2006 22:05

my son also will lunge to bite me, i grab him away.

i didnt live in fear of my parents until i was a teenager. it takes years to build up...

he cannot defend himself. he is 23 months old. you are a grown woman. teeth are not defense against a hand.

there are other ways to stop him biting.
like, does he bite when he is excited during playtime? (sometimes my ds gets so woundup he will bite when i bring him in close to me)
or if he's teething? (when i know ds might be nippy, i am cautious during close cuddles!)
maybe try making a diary (it sounds corny i know) of the times he bites. like what may trigger it. that way you can better learn to avoid the bites! (and i know, they hurt. a LOT.)

i think you either smack or DONT smack your child.. even if you smack in certain instances, you still are... (like i said before i sense guilt in your post (which is fine!))

just know that there are other alternatives...

getbakainyourjimjams · 29/01/2006 22:06

oh fastasleep don't worry. Actually just before xmas I was emptying the dishwasher and ds1 sneaked up and pinched me on my back and I let out such a yell (took me completely by surprise). Dh tut tutted and said "nice reinforcement", so I threw something at him

Usually I have time to prepare as he either laughs and makes eye contact first, or cuddles you.

lunarx · 29/01/2006 22:07

if you can recongise that instinct to want to hit him, you can stop it. (you can, believe you can.)

i hold very very high respect for mothers of SN children.

hang in there...

Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 22:08

He's bitten me twice! Twice I can't tell whether he's 'lunging' or going to do it because he hasn't done it enough for me to build a pattern...... argh.

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getbakainyourjimjams · 29/01/2006 22:10

threw something at dh that is.

After xmas I looked like I'd been in with the tigers (he started pinching again on 23rd Dec- I yelled and hey ho off we were again). Now he's pretends to pinch probably 70% time, and only transfers that into something that hurts the other 30% of the time. School have sussed it this time, but its not working so well here, it is decreasing though, and when you see a method working it does make it easier. You could train yourself to not yell 90% of the time if you had to (I think there are always a few times when you can't, either because its happened so many times that day, or because its in a new place/takes you completely by surprise.).

Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 22:10

I didn't want to hit him, I want to hit him every now and again when he's driven me mad all day, doesn't mean I do though. I didn't have time to want to do anything he bit and my hand slapped before I could think about anything at all other than having alarm bells ringing.

But I'm totally going round in little circles now!

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Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 22:12

Oh jimjams, I think I would lock myself in my bedroom every day if Theo pinched/bit me as often as that...

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lunarx · 29/01/2006 22:13

wow. only twice! you're lucky! ;)

well, since its only been twice; you may need to keep your eyes open even more if he comes at you with his mouth open. (& hopefully, its that obvious..)

my ds will sometimes go to bite me when he wants attention (say im doing the washing up and he wants me to play with him). so i just move him back to his toys!

i know you arent going to want to be cautious around him all the time, but until you can see when/why? he may be biting, it may be best (only a suggestion!)

Kabsy · 29/01/2006 22:13

I know what a taboo subject smacking is - and that many people have been physically and mentally affected through smacking but i keep going back to mine and my 2 brothers experience of growing up. And yes we did get smacked - although it was more a slap on the back of the legs, back of the hand or bottom and it did us no harm. Sorry to sound like everyone elses parents but it is true. I have smacked dd 2.10 yrs twice on the bottom - just because at the time it felt appropriate. I know that there is a fine line between the slapping I have experienced and being abused so it makes me very aware that this should not be the preferred method of discipline. I use the naughty step a lot and removal of toys/treats most of the time and I have done since dd was 2 ish. I think she is pretty good wether this is because of the methods used or becuase of her natuarl personality I don't know. But would not condem anyone who did or didn't use smacking.

Tortington · 29/01/2006 23:59

you smacked your kid cos he bit you. no biggy imo. seems yo me that you felt a bit guilty - hence the post. then defensive - your subsequent posts. So as a professional psychononknowledgeable person. am guessing you think your parenting style is fine - but you get this "perfect mother" vibe from everyone else which mumsnet mostly perpetuates.

so let me remind you that everyones full of shit.

harpsichordcarrier · 30/01/2006 00:05

custy well put

veuveclicquot · 30/01/2006 02:09

My DD bit me on the bum in the middle of a tantrum about dummies. She really meant it. I was furious and had to suppress murderous urges. It took me ages to calm down. She drew blood fgs! I marched her off to her room but was so astonished I didn't really know what to do.

It's the only time she's bitten me. I haven't tested her again because trying to prevent access to dummies turned her into a psycho. I'm rethinking my approach and she has them back for now (yes, she won).

jabberwocky · 30/01/2006 02:51

I was in a therapy session (still at it re:birth trauma) and mentioned that I felt uneasy about smacking my son on the bum when he kicked me really hard in the stomach as I was changing his diaper. She commented that it was a way for him to learn about consequences and that I really shouldn't beat myself up about it. It's not as if that is our standard method of discipline or anything.

Biting and scratching at eyes (as an optometrist that really makes me shudder) is perfectly understandable behavior to induce the impulse to smack imo.

lunarx · 30/01/2006 14:00

i dont sense a 'perfect mother' vibe here at all!

no one is a perfect mother.

i've yelled at my son..(and have felt like sh*t afterwards.) when he's gotten on that last nerve and was jumping on it i've jerked him away from me. and probably a bit too roughly.
and with a bit of time, im learning to cope better with his tantrums and bad days. (& and most days i want to put my head underwater!)

no one can tell us we're right or wrong. but what we can (& do) is voice our opinions.

hang in there fastasleep... and i hope its a better day for you

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