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Original poster

I have smacked my child and can't see how I could avoid it... tell me how awful I am

199 replies

Fastasleep · 28/01/2006 20:55

This is sort of a confession of a post, because some people (not many!) might still think I'm a 'goodmum'... but I just felt like I had to say that I've smacked my 23 month old on more than one ocassion, and I probably will again...

I can't seem to help it, it seems like a completely natural reaction and it happens before I even think - I smacked him yesterday on the back of his head, not hard, but a smack, as he sunk his teeth into my arm and drew blood... I've also smacked him forcefully 'off' his baby sister as her scratched at her eyes (he cut her eyeball, I know that's no excuse but still)... I'd like to say I always use the naughty chair, and in 95% of incidents I do, but the times when I don't it happens before my brain even engages.... I don't know how I'm meant to not do it!

Am I a terrible parent who needs anger management? I'm a calmish person...

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/01/2006 17:03

A lot of times when I wanted the horse, the dog is what would have been best for me. Took me nearly 35 years to learn that.

Tortington · 29/01/2006 17:08

i never told my children they lived in a democratic house. this house is a matriarchy. i rule. they do as i say. i look out for their well being. i decide whether or not the time is appropriate for negotiating or whether just saying no is better in the circumstance. my children are important to me. helping them to become social, active contributive to society whilst keeping safe and feeling loved is my role.

my children know what i say goes. they do not transfer that to all adults. this is becuase they see me challenging authority and fighting for what i believe is right.

codnotmud · 29/01/2006 17:38

lol expat

Mercy · 29/01/2006 17:44

Great post custardo.

I get annoyed with myself for sometimes getting into the child psychology, over-analytical approach. I think I prefer your style at the end of hte day

blueshoes · 29/01/2006 19:09

Scummy, archie may very well not want a dog. Well, tough for dd then. dd will still have to share and learnt that she is not always able to influence others. But no guts no glory. Next time, it might work.

Mercy, if I refused dd something by just saying "no", based on the no-negotiation/talking back rule, she would have had to accept mummy's word as law - end of story. If she protested, I would have been forced to explain that it is not convenient for mummy at the moment and if she is persuasive enough, she would be able to get me to promise to do it later. That is just simple negotation IMO. There is nothing wrong in children asking for an explanation. If the explanation is that there is no explanation said in Franny's "special" tone of voice (because it is one of the few non-negotiable boundaries), then I believe the fact that mummy normally considers any reasonable request makes it easier for children to accept their limits when their request cannot be considered.

Blossomhill · 29/01/2006 19:17

I have smacked but really don't like the idea of smacking across the back of the head or forcefully tbh.

Mercy · 29/01/2006 19:50

Blueshoes, nothing wrong in a child asking for an explanation, of course not. But even if you give one, it doesn't mean it's accepted by the child. I'm no longer prepared to do 'deals' with my dd.

You mentioned persistence in an earlier post. Persistence may be a virtue, but in a young child it can easily turn into insistence - believe me I know what I'm talking about!

morningpaper · 29/01/2006 19:56

"In your example, if dd did not want to share horsey with archie, what about telling her to offer archie a doggie instead and see how that goes? That is learning basic negotiation within the confines of the home."

It would go like this:

"DD, give Archie the horsey, because he is our guest"

First refusal, I then count to 3 and if horsey is not handed over then I remove horsey from dd and give it to archie myself.

That's just MANNERS, it pisses me off when we are at other people's houses and their parents start negotiating because their kids don't want to share. It's rude innit.

Listening and understanding her opinions is fine and dandy, and believe me I do a lot of that, but teaching her manners and rules for life is part of my job, not something that is open to debate.

morningpaper · 29/01/2006 20:04

Actually before we have friends over to play, we have a quick briefing that all toys must be shared, and if there are certain toys that she doesn't want to share then she gives them to me to put away before her friends come over, because otherwise (I explain) it is not fair for them to see nice things but not play with them.

Would you REALLY try to get your child to fob her friend off with something else when they didn't want to share a special toy? That seems a bit rude to the visitor? And you aren't really teaching your child to share - the whole point about sharing is that you are learning to be un-selfish i.e. it is supposed to hurt a bit. Surely?

Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 20:21

I don't think some of you got quite what I meant by 'smacked the back of his head' I mean he literally had his teeth sunk into the flesh of my arm and blood was trickling down - I slapped him on the head while he was still biting; while my brain was still going 'OH MY GOD I'M BEING BITTEN' what I meant by the 'can't see how I could avoid it' was that it happened before I could even think, it was just a reaction....

the shaking him and yelling 'Don't ever do that to mummy again EVEEERR!!!' was the aftermath, the hit was my instincts making me get the hurty thing out of my arm!

Not that I'm condoning what I did or going back on what I said, I still feel bloody awful about it...(don't feel so bad about when I smacked his bum after he attacked his sister, oddly!)

OP posts:
codnotmud · 29/01/2006 20:23

aaaaaaaaah fas

Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 20:26

Aaaaaah cod!

I give up! I don't care what any of you think about me!

OP posts:
codnotmud · 29/01/2006 20:30

best to!

Beetroot · 29/01/2006 20:30

Maybe he is learnign his behaviour from yo? If you are hitting him for being violent then surely htis is a mixed message?

codnotmud · 29/01/2006 20:31

oh beety it was a one fof
think fas has beenhung out to dry a bit here

morningpaper · 29/01/2006 20:32

don't worry fas cod already admitted that she beat her children with a broom yesterday

Beetroot · 29/01/2006 20:33

I have not read the whole thread cod. just saying what I think 'tis all!

codnotmud · 29/01/2006 20:34

yes
lol a broom

monkleyt kept tipping my crumbs off

Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 20:34

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OP posts:
colditz · 29/01/2006 20:34

Beetroot I think all children that age bite, whether they are beaten regularly or not at all.

Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 20:35

You have a child attached to your arm drawing blood and sinking his teeth ever deeper and see how the hell you react!

OP posts:
Original poster
fastasleep · 29/01/2006 20:36

Would you go in a calm voice 'No dear, that's very very naughty darling, ohh you've punctured an artery - bad boy, please place yourself on your naughty chair while I go and have stitches, thankyou, Daddy will be along shortly..'

OP posts:
Beetroot · 29/01/2006 20:37

one of mine bit, first I think.

didnt realse it was one off thought from your op that you were a regualr smacker and your dh was too

codnotmud · 29/01/2006 20:37

oh yes i re read too

Beetroot · 29/01/2006 20:38

actually i would remove him from me and put him straight in his bed (when he was in a cot) or room wiht door shut if not.