I have smacked my child and can't see how I could avoid it... tell me how awful I am

[Fastasleep]

This is sort of a confession of a post, because some people (not many!) might still think I'm a 'goodmum'... but I just felt like I had to say that I've smacked my 23 month old on more than one ocassion, and I probably will again...

I can't seem to help it, it seems like a completely natural reaction and it happens before I even think - I smacked him yesterday on the back of his head, not hard, but a smack, as he sunk his teeth into my arm and drew blood... I've also smacked him forcefully 'off' his baby sister as her scratched at her eyes (he cut her eyeball, I know that's no excuse but still)... I'd like to say I always use the naughty chair, and in 95% of incidents I do, but the times when I don't it happens before my brain even engages.... I don't know how I'm meant to not do it!

Am I a terrible parent who needs anger management? I'm a calmish person...

Blueshoes, I can see how that might work for you when you are on your own with dd or with close family. But what would happen, for example, if your dd hurt another child at playgroup?

For instance, one kid grabbed two chunks of my ds's hair - one each side - and was pullling viciously. So hard that ds cried for minutes - and he's not the sort of child to make a fuss. The normal toddler rough and tumble doesn't upset him like that. The kid wanted the toy that ds was playing with. I heard ds yell, turned round, saw what was going on, grabbed them and manage to prise the little so-and-so off ds. Was telling him off, calmly, when his mother arrived and said 'Oh, we are trying to ignore him when he's naughty'. Well, bully for her, but I couldn't let him carry on tugging ds's hair out, actually, and I couldn't just prise him off without explaining that what he'd done was wrong. I'm not privy to her child rearing techniques, I was just stopping her child being bloody nasty.

Which makes me wonder, what do people who don't do discipline do when their child hurts other people? You can't expect everyone else to ignore your child's misbehaviour, particularly when it takes the form of attacking other children (I know they all do it, but they have to be stopped every time it happens. Including mine). So how do you handle it?

Hi edam, sorry about your dd's experience. I don't agree with ignoring. If my child does something wrong, she needs to know that, on-the-spot and as many times as it takes if she does it repeatedly. So if dd was hurting another, I'd be over there in a flash to intervene, pull her away, telling her it is wrong, comfort the other child and when things have calmed down, repeat to dd it was wrong and make her apologise. If she does it again, I'd probably warn her that another incident would mean we would go home, and carry out the threat. Ideally accomplished without (too much) shouting, time outs, bribes, certainly no smacking. Even if dd does not apologise, I won't make a big deal but would pointedly apologise on her behalf to the victim and victim's parent in her presence. I am not a fan of ignoring bad behaviour.

But I do agree with bakajimjams that if the bad behaviour goes on for a long time (I mean many many months) or gets worse, then it is time to re-examine your approach.

and HATE kids negoitating back
ruude imo

shut up adn takee it

I think it depends a lot on your child's age, stage, family make up, personality and possibly even gender. I'm naturally wishy washy and fairly relaxed as a parent, I think. I tend towards lots of discussion and tolerance of minor misbehaviour, am definitely anti-smacking and would never countanence it as a deliberate discipline strategy (though I sympathise with the op's shocked reflex slap and could see that happening to me in certain circs.). However, I have found that my kids (twin boys now nearly 7) seem to want/need boot camp boundaries in some areas and have developed some sergeant majorish strategies accordingly in recent years. It's mostly acting really but they seem to appreciate slightly flamboyant "No is not an option" orders much more than deep discussions about how it upsets mummy to see them behaving like evil spalpeens. I feel that there is still plenty of room for negotiation once non-optional bottom lines have been drawn and think that it's actually quite frightening for children to feel that their parents can't control them and that rules are fragile and changeable.

and a a secondary teacher i couldnt stand kids answering back
still dont accpet "No" when i askt he kids to do somedhting
they never say it and i am always suprised ither parents accept it

And agree with cod that kids negotiating back is rude.

precpcious
rememebr taht thread when the kid told an adult ( seriously) not to eat smomehting

precocoious twat

Quite. I can't tell you how mortified I'd be if either of mine did that.

Is there a difference is parenting styles of boy and girl households I wonder?

i dunno mine is deffo affected by being ateacher
i ma better asa result i think

firends are always amazed my kids odnt argue the toss

( smug but hte rest of my life is shoddy)

Yes, Boy Mums are more "Do This! Right Now! I said now! Move!"

Girl mums are more "If you do this we can then go and do that. If you don't do this we can't do that, and I will take gubbins away until tomorrow"

thats because girls are more plotting imo

and endless negotiations about how long its taken away for
yawn idacious

That sounds reasonable, blueshoes. I was taken aback by the daft woman ? what on earth does she expect people to do when her little darling attacks other kids? I would be fine about someone else telling ds off if they caught him misbehaving while my attention is elsewhere. In fact, I'd rather someone pull him up than not! Although tbh he's fine in public, only tends to get naughty with us at home or with close friends in their homes. Dh babysat ds and my best friend's ds, both two, the other day and said it was fine except every 20 minutes one of them would thump the other. Even stevens, apparently. Apologised to my friend and she said, oh, boys are just like that!

Yes. I think I've got much much stricter as mine have got older. Was scared of crushing their spirits when they first started being annoying toddlers but have had a few years to get less precious, luckily for them. Went on a school trip with them last week and their teacher was fab. She stood up and read out the rules at the beginning starting with "No vomitting under any circumstances" (we were on a coach) and they all behaved like angels (36 kids and many of them of v boisterous lads.)

No one vommed either. She told me she was convinced that giving firm orders works psychologically even for things like coach sickness at their age.

I think boys thrive better with firmer boundries.(sp?)

I mean that if something is not allowed, it is not allowed ever, not even in different circumstances, not even if best friend is allowed blah blah.

My ds is not allowed lollypops. End of. He has no allergies, I just think they are crap, and if he wants to eat sugar on a stick and I decide to let him, he can have a chocolate looy. He doesn't ever question this, but I am convinced a girl would!

Yes, I think you could be right there, colditz.

Blueshoes she sounds like a nutcase.

I really hope never to have to deal with a child whose parents don't do discipline, because I do, and don't have the patience to argue to toss with someone who will happily roll about on the floor screaming in the middle of Dorothy Perkins.

Sorry Blueshoes, meant Edam!

dorothy perkins?
(shudder)

Yes I saw that the other day Cherubic looking golden haired tot, rolling about on the floor flailing her limbs and squealing "Noooooooo mummmmmy!!! Nooooooo mummmmmmyy!"

While mummy was crouching down to floor level pleading with her child to stand up and leave the shop, promising her the moon on a stick if she would stand up and leave now.

I think you are absolutely right about girls, at least if my dd is anything to go by - and she has got better (or worse!)at negotiating since she started reception. I've also I had be more clear cut about what I want her to do/not to do as she's started to backchat too. And some people already think I'm fairly strict!

god I hate seeing parents pleading - to me that's about losing control

I think I need to be stricter and less into negotiation

Any tips on making the change?

say it only twice

then tird time - action

say

warn
do

adn dont explain yourself
when they try to argue or plead say
" ia m not talking abotu this now" nad ignore ( teaching trick)

remember distraction still works on older kids

like if oyur dd was nagging for sweets say...