to half wish this pregnancy isn't successful?

[hells1908]

Flame me.

Right, long winded rant alert.

I had my DS when I was 19 and at university so far from perfect but we pulled through, and he's about to go off to university himself. We've been through our trials and tribulations - his Dad, who was the college heartthrob, revealed himself to be a violent, alcoholic depressive. I bore the brunt of it, sometimes my DS. DS has Aspergers, which has brought us lows and many more highs. It's not been the most ideal of childhoods, and I have spent most of it as a lone parent, but managed to run various ad agencies in between, DS rocks, bless him, because I wouldn't have wished some of the things he's gone through on anyone, least of all my own flesh and blood.

Anyhows. New DP, have been together 18 months, and I am 5 months with twins. We've been through our own woods too. But now the very successful MD of a global company (sue me, it was sexy that he was powerful) is out of work, is trying very hard, but it's been 6 months and still nothing doing, I am the size of a small elephant because of the twins, knackered, and in a huge amount of pain (scans keep showing up OK and they keep saying it's just ligaments but it's crippling), but am working full time as a freelancer because each week is one month's rent on the new house we need to rent because this one is too small/run down (had bought it before I met DP as a romantic project to do after DS left home, tiny cottage, but fab location, I had a Beeny moment!)...oh, and I don't know whether it's that I'm taking out my ire at my lot on him, or hormones, or just...but simply don't find him sexy anymore and we haven't done the deed since August, and (yes, because he'll be picking up on that) most nights I go to bed and he drinks 3 bottles of wine (I'm not exagerating) and falls asleep on the sofa.

Unless he's been out at networking events - and it's absolutely right he shuold do that to help with the job search - but then he'll come in at 2am and breathe fumes over me and wake me up. I was actually sick the last time I did it; second trimester hasn't brought any respite!

So...ramble ramble. It's just the first time around with DS, when we lived in a damp basement and frogs got into his nursery, and I was at Oxford bloomin university and got a first despite everything, I made all sorts of Scarlett O'Hara promises to myself that next time, if there was one, it would be oh so different.

Yet I am stuck with an unemployed partner, in a rundown house, at work when I shouldn't be (I know that sounds lame, I know everyone gets pregnant and works, but even the hospital has been raising eyebrows), with DP drinking himself silly each night...and the final straw was tonight he's suggested packing DS off for New Year to his Dad's so we can have a babymoon which is a LOVELY idea, but last New Year his alcho Dad beat him up on NY and we had to drive to Oxford to rescue him and there is absolutely no way on earth I am letting that happen again. Ever.

AIBU? Spoilt? The twins were completely unplanned. But I am resenting every minute that I am not enjoying being pregnant. And, yes, I do have Bad Thoughts about how maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I just don't know how to begin to even broach this with him without it completely knocking his self esteem which would be so counter productive. But I get emails from the Pampers bloomin baby club saying 'you may feel like painting your nursery now, don't climb a ladder!' and it's like, what nursery? How did I get to this point?

Argh.

Jasminerice, I am not saying that people don't have these feelings, they do, I for one remember just wanting to smash DD2's head against the side of her cot when she was a baby I had PND and DD2 had reflux BUT most people feel ashamed to have these feelings, they don't come on cracking jokes and in the same breath say things like this, I remember confiding my feelings to a friend eventually but felt so hideous just saying that. I know everyone is different but I just can't fathom the way she has articulated her feelings, there doesn't seem to be any shame. that is what I find outrageous.

The way I see it Sad10 didn't come on here for sympathy, she came on to say how unreasonable and offensive the OP is being by 'half' wishing her babies die. She's 5 months pg with TWO babies - wtaf? I came here for exactly the same reason - you put that in your thread title and you will invite people who have lost children and think "this cant be genuine, who would say such a thing" This is not upsetting so much as deeply disturbing.

Hi moomin x posts

Hello august exactly sad didn't come on for sympathy, she wasnt even the first to post about losing a baby, i wouldnt have posted at all if jasminerice hadn't jumped on her telling her she should put her self in the ops shoes

jas what makes you think we even want your sympathy? What you think we trawl AIBU looking for threads we can post on looking for sympathy like it makes us feel better about our situations. We have as much right to comment as you do

Taking the OP completely literally, AIBU to half-hope this pregnancy isn't successful...

The OP is 5 months pg so therefore 22 weeks or more. Hoping the pregancy is "not successful" is effectively hoping for a stillbirth. And a stillbirth is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Those of us who have actually lost babies know this and are entitled to say YABU.

hth.

Why should anyone be ashamed to say they don't want their baby? If that's how they feel? If I unexpectedly fell pregnant now it would be a disaster for me. Not due to finances but emotionally and physically I know I could not cope with another child. And yet I don't think I could ever have an abortion. So I would be in a dreadful situation. I would hate to be judged by you lot if I came on here and said I didn't want my baby.

Apologies for not responding for the past couple of days but a) am at work and b) tbh it makes my tummy churn every time I open the thread, which therefore hasn't really helped my general state of mind. People talk about flaming; it actually comes across as a gaggle of tricoteurs at an execution, needles of invective click clacking away. What is very striking is the really nasty comments only started on Monday morning. I have this picture of some of you, kids off at school, sitting down with a coffee and a pursed mouth, gleefully scrolling through the weekend's postings to see who can be destroyed.

A charming past time. It's the relish with which it's performed that gets me - a bit like how my Mum can barely contain herself when she tells me about the latest death in the village.

I am not going to respond to each and every criticism, tempting as it is, apart from to reiterate Aspergers is not a disability, and to apologise for the fact that, yes, I may have gone to Oxford but oddly, two decades ago, the syllabus didn't cover Mumsnetiquette (an earlier poster suggested I was fibbing because otherwise I would have known to put this in Relationships not AIBU, bizarre...) Oh, and for those who seem obsessed with money/holidays/planned or not...the twins were not planned, by the time I found out it was effectively too late, the holiday in the Amazon was an Exodus family one, oddly enough booked yonks ago so before the job situation and definitely before knowing about the twins, its purpose being the last holiday I imagine DS will want to have with boring old Mum, so wanted to go out on a bang, which we did.

I apologise also for any offence taken. It was not intentional. I didn't set out to shock - it is genuinely how I feel in my bleaker moments and I needed advice, the kind of advice that I simply wouldn't be able to source in real life.

Some kind and wise souls have given me exactly that, both on the thread and in PMs. It is very much appreciated.

For the rest of you, please just stop commenting. If you follow your own logic, the more you do so, the more people will see the thread who will get offended.

And rest assured I won't dare come on again. In my lack of understanding of MN I didn't realise there was a whole Top Trumps ranking out there when it came to problems. It reminds me of that sketch: 'We used to have to get up at 5am to go down the mines...well we had to get up before we even went to bed...' Bereavement trumps everything, and (erstwhile) high earners have no right to be upset about anything.

My bad.

Youve had comments all along stating yabu and that your thread title is vile, you just had more comments from posters saying how vile after what you said to sad on Sunday

If you hadn't made that comment I think many of the posters over the last couple of days wouldn't have even bothered commenting

I'll summarise the OP's response if anyone doesn't have time to read it.
People who agree with her : kind and wise souls.
People who disagree with her : a gaggle of tricoteurs at an execution.

Jasminerice, maybe ashamed was the wrong word, but I would hope anyone with an ounce of decency in their body would know to approach talking about this with some semblance of tact and empathy for other people, the OP has not approached it in this way.

OP I believe your opening two words were flame me....

Cracks are starting to appear in your story, I can't be bothered to pull it all apart but I am generally fairly about you whole story.

I think bereavement does trump everything.

There is not much worse than losing a loved one, especially a child.

Whatever hell you are going through, it is not as bad as losing a child. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to moan, but you should have the decency to respect others' losses.

The fact that you see the genuinely upset people on this thread as a bunch of bored SAHMs looking for someone to bully... well, words fail me.

Am glad that op has returned for the final time as she has just proved herself to be the nasty person I suspected.

Yes because we dare to disgree with you we are "bullies" or a gaggle of old crones. Nice.

Please dont ask people to flame you when what you really mean is oh please fall over yourselves to kiss my oh so superior arse.

well said pink4ever

Oh dear I commented on the thread after op told me not to

Look OP, you haven't had a flaming by any means. But your absolute refusal to admit that there is anything unreasonable in your outlook is grating.

The title isn't the most annoying bit. For me, it is that you seem to think you are better than your situation, your lack of humility or realisation that life isn't that bad/empathy for others and your ready admittance that you stopped fancying your DP when he stopped being successful. Can you really not see how any of that might paint you in a less than brilliant light?!

I can only imagine the overwhelming emotions at being pregnant again after so long, when freedom was in sight...and with twins! I can also imagine that having presumed you knew where life was going, successful DP etc a slight deviation might throw you into a bit of a tailspin, but really, you have options and life isn't that bad!

I think you are being unfair to those who disagree with you, casting aspersions on them purely based on their disagreement with your posts isn't fair. Surely you agree that in a discussion forum (AIBU isn't a support forum as many of us have learnt at our peril) means that there will be a multitude of opinions, not all of which you will like. That doesn't make them invalid, or the people who posted them any less worthy of respect or a hearing. No-one has flamed you or personally attacked you, just pointed out where they disagree and expressed their upset at your deliberately provocative thread title, which while misguided I'm sure was tongue in cheek.

NN...I think your post sums up how a lot of us on here are feeling about this situation. Very well put.

The thing is by saying she half wishes the pg isn't successful she is in effect half wishing for a stillbirth

She is wishing that she was in some of our shoes, yet we don't have the right to comment on that?

And no, a healthy 'high' earning adult bearing two healthy babies has no right to compare her grief to those who have lost much loved children...how can you even compare the two? Words fail me.

By all means look for help, just don't expect everyone to sympathise with a situation that in most people's opinion doesn't need it.

Can't you disagree with OP without being disagreeable? Many of you do come across as jealous and mean-spirited.

Flatbread - WTF surely it would be natural for someone who has lost babies to be jealous of someone who is pregnant with twins...is that the kind of jealousy you are referring to because as a far as I can see it there is nothing else to be jealous of.

flatbread-yes you are right I am jealous. I wish my main problems in life were-

I couldnt sell my house quickly enough so that I can buy the mansion I clearly deserve to be in

I can no longer afford family hols down the amazon

I no longer fancy my dp because quite simply he is not stumping up the cash to give me the lifestyle I deserve

I have to go to work to earn a living

Really in the grand scheme of things when many people are quite literally struggling to put food on the table of course op's massive sense of entitlement and quite frankly horrific responses to those who questioned her nasty thread title was going to grate.

But hey what do I know-I am just a spiteful sahm doing her knitting according to op and apparently have no right to comment on her thread at all

I don't think she's wishing for a stillbirth. Due to stress some of the time she is wishing that her life was different and that her pregnancy didn't exist. She has NEVER said she wishes her babies dead.
I suspect that the OP and I wouldn't be bosom buddies but she does not deserve the bashing she's getting. She is STRUGGLING with her situation and her situation didn't cause anybody else's misfortune. There seems to be a lot of comparing going on and a lot of offence taken where imo none needs to be. To follow some of the arguments on this thead to their logical conclusion no parent of a child who is alive would ever be able to be stressed about anything. I can't see where she ever comparede her depression to grief. I can see a post where she explicitly says your situation must be hell for you and my situation is hell for me. Why shouldn't she feel that?

pink, I don't understand why you call OP entitled in a sneering type of way.

If in your job, your colleagues earned £50k, but you were paid only 30k, wouldn't you feel unhappy? would you appreciate if someone came by and wrote nasty stuff about how you are 'entitled' because 30k is much more than what a lot of people earn?

OP probably is intelligent and hard working, and did not get into Oxford or get good grades or run her own company by having a sense of entitlement. Surely she will compare her circumstances to what her peers are earning and what she could earn, given her education and work experience? Nothing entitled about that, just having a realistic sense of your own worth, from a monetary perspective.

SAHM-bashing. Check. FWIW I am at home because I am on Maternity leave with no baby.

yep, bereavement trumps everything. Do you think that's what we want, to trump your problems?

You posted in AIBU and in the first line you said "Flame me."
and then get upset to be told YABU ?

flatbread-op is clearly not that intelligent when her only response to posters who disagreed with her is to call them bullies and compare them to literally old crones. If you have to result to personal insults-you have lost the argument.

So her oxford degree hasnt really stood her in good stead has it-when all it has managed to get her is a ramshackle house and no savings?-so why feel the need to bang on about it?

Op would have had my utmost sympathy if she had simply posted that she was finding it hard being pregnant with twins-entirely understandable-or that she could no longer cope with her dp drink problem-every sympathy.

She didnt do this. She expressed a wish that something would happen to her unborn children and also her incredulity that this could even happen to her=to her! .

So yes she has a massive sense of entitlement which imo is entirely unjustified,completely unattractive and supremely unlikely to garner much sympathy.