to half wish this pregnancy isn't successful?

[hells1908]

Flame me.

Right, long winded rant alert.

I had my DS when I was 19 and at university so far from perfect but we pulled through, and he's about to go off to university himself. We've been through our trials and tribulations - his Dad, who was the college heartthrob, revealed himself to be a violent, alcoholic depressive. I bore the brunt of it, sometimes my DS. DS has Aspergers, which has brought us lows and many more highs. It's not been the most ideal of childhoods, and I have spent most of it as a lone parent, but managed to run various ad agencies in between, DS rocks, bless him, because I wouldn't have wished some of the things he's gone through on anyone, least of all my own flesh and blood.

Anyhows. New DP, have been together 18 months, and I am 5 months with twins. We've been through our own woods too. But now the very successful MD of a global company (sue me, it was sexy that he was powerful) is out of work, is trying very hard, but it's been 6 months and still nothing doing, I am the size of a small elephant because of the twins, knackered, and in a huge amount of pain (scans keep showing up OK and they keep saying it's just ligaments but it's crippling), but am working full time as a freelancer because each week is one month's rent on the new house we need to rent because this one is too small/run down (had bought it before I met DP as a romantic project to do after DS left home, tiny cottage, but fab location, I had a Beeny moment!)...oh, and I don't know whether it's that I'm taking out my ire at my lot on him, or hormones, or just...but simply don't find him sexy anymore and we haven't done the deed since August, and (yes, because he'll be picking up on that) most nights I go to bed and he drinks 3 bottles of wine (I'm not exagerating) and falls asleep on the sofa.

Unless he's been out at networking events - and it's absolutely right he shuold do that to help with the job search - but then he'll come in at 2am and breathe fumes over me and wake me up. I was actually sick the last time I did it; second trimester hasn't brought any respite!

So...ramble ramble. It's just the first time around with DS, when we lived in a damp basement and frogs got into his nursery, and I was at Oxford bloomin university and got a first despite everything, I made all sorts of Scarlett O'Hara promises to myself that next time, if there was one, it would be oh so different.

Yet I am stuck with an unemployed partner, in a rundown house, at work when I shouldn't be (I know that sounds lame, I know everyone gets pregnant and works, but even the hospital has been raising eyebrows), with DP drinking himself silly each night...and the final straw was tonight he's suggested packing DS off for New Year to his Dad's so we can have a babymoon which is a LOVELY idea, but last New Year his alcho Dad beat him up on NY and we had to drive to Oxford to rescue him and there is absolutely no way on earth I am letting that happen again. Ever.

AIBU? Spoilt? The twins were completely unplanned. But I am resenting every minute that I am not enjoying being pregnant. And, yes, I do have Bad Thoughts about how maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I just don't know how to begin to even broach this with him without it completely knocking his self esteem which would be so counter productive. But I get emails from the Pampers bloomin baby club saying 'you may feel like painting your nursery now, don't climb a ladder!' and it's like, what nursery? How did I get to this point?

Argh.

Yes I do think that can be helpful, iggi. But more than anything, I think an OP also needs compassion and empathy.

Ok, I know I said I was going but...

The OP could have said "AIBU to be freaked out that unemployed dh is drinking far too much when I am pg with twins" I could have been very sympathetic. Might even have told her to leave the bastard.

but instead she asks if it's ok to wish death on her babies.

Maybe , she should have rephrased the question before posting in AIBU.

We're not in aibu anymore guys..

I am aghast that the op and some posters have asked bereaved mothers to put themselves in their shoes. What a vile, disgusting thing to say to these bereaved women.

Sad10 I am so very sorry for your loss

Thank you.

I promised myself I wouldn't get drawn into this thread but some of the comments are so outrageously far of the mark I can't help it.

Hells another bereaved mother here so no doubt my opinion won't count but here it is anyway. What you are half wishing for is completely and utterly irreversible. You cannot bring a child back once it is gone. The problems you currently face are completely reversible. I'm not belittling them, they are real worries and concerns but ultimately solveable.

Imagine this: you lose your twins, you deliver them silent and still, you find yourself in a hell of such utter blackness that you genuinely don't know how you will get through each day. Then your dp finds another job. I think you'd be regretting the thread title then. I'd like to think you're not really wishing this on yourself.

Your lack of regard for other bereaved mothers who have taken the time to answer your original question is really quite disgusting. I think you have got many more constructive replies than I imagined you would, this is by no means a flaming given your extremely contentious thread title. And yes I have (open-mouthed at points) read the whole thread.

Jasminerice - words actually fail me. You are indeed a DHAC. Come and read the bereaved mothers thread - maybe then you'll realise who needs to grow up

I wish that both of my twin boys were 30 this December. Also wish my DS3 was 27 years. Wish with every fibre of my being that they hadn't died - one as a baby and one as a 7 year old.

Many of the bereaved Mums who have posted on here are in the very early stages of walking this crappy path....it has taken a lot of courage for them to post. But, you see, Im many years down the path and a bit stronger. Please OP dont start a thread by saying 'half wish this pregnancy wasn't successful.' If, God forbid, anything did go wrong you can never take those words back.

BIWI, I am actually really upset at bring accused of Competitive misery. FWIW since Sylvie-Rose died, I have deliberately avoided posting on some threads for that reason because it is the worst thing that can happen and I am well aware that people have the right to moan about small things or even big things which relatively speaking, seem trivial to me now. I don't go onto sleep threads and tell people they are lucky to have a baby even if the baby keeps them up all night.

But the title of this thread, I felt, invited comment from people like me. Particularly about a pregnancy of over 22 weeks. To be blunt, if that pregnancy goes wrong, you will deliver two perfectly formed babies and will hold their cold little bodies in your arms. Dd did live for seven weeks but the day she died, I held her cold little perfect body in my arms and my heart broke in pieces. Other lovely brave ladies on our bereavement thread lost their babies at around the same gestation as the OP and I know their grief is as sharp as mine, possibly more, as their babies didn't get to see the light of day.

To half or even a quarter hope for that? Madness. And as shabs says, you can't take those words back.

Competitive misery? Who the fuck wants to win a competition like that? I didn't.

I'm sorry to have upset you, chipmonkey.

I dont post on threads very often but I cant bite my tongue on this one. I too am a bereaved mum an I wouldnt wish this feeling on my worse enemy.

All problems are fixable and have solutions except the loss of someone you love. Thats it. Final. No magic cure. So to wish something would happen to your babies to make your life easier is, in my view, unforgivable. It wont fix your problems with your life and relationship.

And yes we all have our problems which seem huge to us but trivial to others. Life is about being understanding to everyone no matter what they are going through. The title of this thread is very insensitive and maybe should have been given a bit more thought before being posted and maybe some of the posters in here should have given a little bit more consideration to the responses of the bereaved mums, who in my opinion, have more strength and courage in their little fingers then the OP. You see, when your a bereaved mum you smile on the outside but when people look into your eyes, and I mean really look, you will see the pain and utter blackness that we live with each and every day. Unless you live with it day in and day out you wont really understand what it feels like so maybe the OP should have taken some time to think about what it REALLY feels like to lose a child.

My inner bitch is begging to be let out and unleash all kinds of stuff on people like the OP but instead I just wont waste anymore time and energy on someone like this :)

Kirsty a truthful, touching post - that describes how 'swimming in this treacle' feels. x

Jasminerice instead of posting callous threads on here spend some time reading the bereaved Mums thread. I have found some of what you have posted to other Mums very upsetting but I am sure you don't care at all!

I don't want to talk out of turn and I have never visited the bereavement boards but our ds2 died 14 years ago now. For other other mums for whom this is newer although I have never got over it I have over many years come to terms with it. I often look at dd who was born 51 weeks later (I accept we were incredibly lucky with this) and still bury my face in her blondness and adorableness and thank God that I have her. I cannot imagine a life without this amazing 13 year old and had our little boy not been born at 27 weeks or even if he had survived (which was impossible anyway) this incredible girl would not be our daughter. I'm trying to be positive for those who are suffering and hope this post is taken in that vein; it is at least how I have been able to deal with things with some perspective.

I know exactly what you mean married - you never 'get over it' you kind of learn to live 'with it.' xx

married I understand what your saying, I think you do have to try to see the positive, my ds was born 8 weeks ago at 20 weeks, there would have been 10 and a half months between him and ds3 who is now 8 months old. He helps me get through the days especially as he is just a baby so takes up all my time and attention which has helped me not to dwell too much. I feel very lucky that I have my other 3 ds to help me through

I do not want to hijack this thread, offend anyone or speak out of turn....I just want to express my deepest sympathy for all you brave ladies who have come on this thread & shared your tragic experiences as bereaved mothers. It has been very upsetting & sad to realise what you ladies have been through & for that...I just want to send my deepest of sympathy to you all. My words will make no ounce of difference to your pain...I realise that nothing can.

to wifey.

I hop it is ok if I second what wifey says as she has said exactly what I wanted to say. My deepest condolences to all you brave ladies - words do not seem adequate. My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry you have had to read completely ignorant and quite frankly, stupid comments from people like jasminerice.

Blessed be your dear children x

shabbapinfrog :( and I don't even want to imagine what it must be like to lose an unborn child, never mind one that is 7 :( :( :(

If OP is not genuine and/or hoped to get a reaction and shock, then she did just that and look, days later, we are all still posting.

I hope to god that she is not genuine.