to half wish this pregnancy isn't successful?

[hells1908]

Flame me.

Right, long winded rant alert.

I had my DS when I was 19 and at university so far from perfect but we pulled through, and he's about to go off to university himself. We've been through our trials and tribulations - his Dad, who was the college heartthrob, revealed himself to be a violent, alcoholic depressive. I bore the brunt of it, sometimes my DS. DS has Aspergers, which has brought us lows and many more highs. It's not been the most ideal of childhoods, and I have spent most of it as a lone parent, but managed to run various ad agencies in between, DS rocks, bless him, because I wouldn't have wished some of the things he's gone through on anyone, least of all my own flesh and blood.

Anyhows. New DP, have been together 18 months, and I am 5 months with twins. We've been through our own woods too. But now the very successful MD of a global company (sue me, it was sexy that he was powerful) is out of work, is trying very hard, but it's been 6 months and still nothing doing, I am the size of a small elephant because of the twins, knackered, and in a huge amount of pain (scans keep showing up OK and they keep saying it's just ligaments but it's crippling), but am working full time as a freelancer because each week is one month's rent on the new house we need to rent because this one is too small/run down (had bought it before I met DP as a romantic project to do after DS left home, tiny cottage, but fab location, I had a Beeny moment!)...oh, and I don't know whether it's that I'm taking out my ire at my lot on him, or hormones, or just...but simply don't find him sexy anymore and we haven't done the deed since August, and (yes, because he'll be picking up on that) most nights I go to bed and he drinks 3 bottles of wine (I'm not exagerating) and falls asleep on the sofa.

Unless he's been out at networking events - and it's absolutely right he shuold do that to help with the job search - but then he'll come in at 2am and breathe fumes over me and wake me up. I was actually sick the last time I did it; second trimester hasn't brought any respite!

So...ramble ramble. It's just the first time around with DS, when we lived in a damp basement and frogs got into his nursery, and I was at Oxford bloomin university and got a first despite everything, I made all sorts of Scarlett O'Hara promises to myself that next time, if there was one, it would be oh so different.

Yet I am stuck with an unemployed partner, in a rundown house, at work when I shouldn't be (I know that sounds lame, I know everyone gets pregnant and works, but even the hospital has been raising eyebrows), with DP drinking himself silly each night...and the final straw was tonight he's suggested packing DS off for New Year to his Dad's so we can have a babymoon which is a LOVELY idea, but last New Year his alcho Dad beat him up on NY and we had to drive to Oxford to rescue him and there is absolutely no way on earth I am letting that happen again. Ever.

AIBU? Spoilt? The twins were completely unplanned. But I am resenting every minute that I am not enjoying being pregnant. And, yes, I do have Bad Thoughts about how maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I just don't know how to begin to even broach this with him without it completely knocking his self esteem which would be so counter productive. But I get emails from the Pampers bloomin baby club saying 'you may feel like painting your nursery now, don't climb a ladder!' and it's like, what nursery? How did I get to this point?

Argh.

You should be having second thoughts about your relationship, not your babies.

Blimey it's hard to know where to begin

When you say you hope it's not successful, do you mean you'd rather they were stillborn? Sorry but that seems to be the basics of what you're saying because at this late stage I think you'd have to give birth to them?

It's natural I think to go off sex when you're pregnant but that doesn't mean you can't be intimate. Your DP sounds like he's hurting.

Do you know longer find him sexy due to being pregnant, or is it because he's no longer a 'sexy powerful MD'?

Sorry. Just read my post and it's supremely self obsessed and ranty! Am more than aware lots of people are far worse off than me. At least I a) have a DS b) who is off to Uni (if he ever submits his bl**dy personal statement that is ;)) c) have a house d) a job e) a DP f) am pregnant with two little girlies...

Just feel so down. And even if no one replies, has been helpful to get it on (virtual) paper.

God it's probably just hormones, isn't it. Even if DP didn't exist, I would manage like before. So he's a bonus, and I should just get on with it.

Or should I?

He doesn't sound much of a bonus TBH. His dad is an alcoholic and DP drinks 3 bottles of wine at night?

Having had a stillbirth (of a twin, as it happens) I think you are being fucking unreasonable. You want your babies to die?

Pregnancy, especially multiple pregnancy, is hard, and low points are expected, but I'm struggling to have any sympathy for you. A GP might though, antenatal depression perhaps?

You have a shit relationship. That's the issue.

Cross posts, sorry!

liberty (which is actually the pencilled name for one of the twins!) um, yes...hence the AIBU, and it's mental, because this is such a gift, and I do believe it in my sunnier moments, but I am also pondering whether I can cope with, having spent my 20s/30s on my own bringing up DS, I could do the same up to almost 60 with the twins, which is what would happen if DP continues in this vein. I'd have spent my whole adult life as a single Mum effectively. And, yes, that would make me so proud. But.

The sexiness or not of DP...am sure a lot of it is pregnancy related. Just haven't felt anything at all. Last night (she blushes) was the first time I've had a vaguely sexy dream in months. But it's difficult to be attracted to someone when part of you is so angry with them/disrespectful.

God I sound awful...

It doesn't sound like your DP is much of a bonus. I think in your shoes I would try and extricate myself from the relationship and find somewhere more appropriate to live and then focus your baby girls. You're not 8 week pregnant here - you are going to have to have them. If you really can't bear the idea of starting over again with two new babies and without a good relationship I suggest you consider having the babies adopted. As I understand it babies up for adoption (unlike older children) are easy to place.

There's a lot going on there - I think you need to talk it through properly, not just chat online. Can you access a counsellor?
The only practical thing that shouts out is the financial pressure and having to work, which you simply won't be able to so soon. What can you do about renting / selling or living in this cottage? Is it really not possible to live there?
Your partner is probably suffering massively re self esteem... Can he take over the project of at least making the cottage habitable? It might help him to be busy with something alongside the job hunting.

Sounds like your DP is only adding to your problems. 3 bottles of wine a night? Every night? He has a problem with alcohol.
You say you can manage without him, you may be better off. I know that comes across as harsh but i don't mean it to. Tell him to get help sharpish, you need his help, not to end up being mother to three babies.

ok

clearly you are in a really tough place at the minute in your head. tbh, hearing your circumstances, i dont think you are in that bad of a place financially. 1 weeks work = a month's rent? that's pretty good from where i'm sitting. your relationship needs a kick up the arse. i think you need to sit down with your DP and tell him how you are feeling. you need to be honest. i wouldn't even be entertaining the thought of sending ds to his dad's is your partner for real? i think you sound depressed, which is understandable given what you are going through but it doesn't have to be permanent. see yor GP and talk through these feelings you are having. there is sucha thing as anye natal depression and it may be that you are suffering from it.

loopy I am so sorry. That's exactly why I think ABU. I feel incredibly selfish. So sorry for your loss.

Is your DP being straight with you about his finances? As a highly successful MD of a global business up until fairly recently, does he have assets to fall back on to take the pressure off you working so much? The boozing thing is bad - got to be affecting his mental health on 3 bottles a night. Rant away if it helps!

Do you make your DP feel good about himself?

It's just a thought but this rings alarm bells for me But now the very successful MD of a global company (sue me, it was sexy that he was powerful) is out of work

Do you think he has any inkling that you found him sexy because of the work he happened to do?

Could he now feel (especially with you going off sex) that you no longer find him attractive because he no longer does that work?

It's tough perhaps because you managed to get pregnant so very early on in your relationship and perhaps he has a feeling that if you weren't pregnant he wouldn't see you for dust when he suddenly wasn't 'powerful' in your eyes any more?

I think it's her ex who is the alcoholic, minnie.

OP, I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time. Your partner sounds like he's drinking a crazy amount at the moment - even 'networking' events don't justify him coming home reeking of booze. Quite the opposite I would have thought.

No biggie to be off sex when you're pregnant - and he truly doesn't sound like a 'bonus'.

The big issue here is his drinking - you sound like a very capable woman, who is coping with an inordinate amount of stress and still managing.

Good luck - dp needs to address his drinking.

hells -I think adjusting to your own fantasy of 'next time' is the tricky bit.

Life changes. It's not DP's fault (I assume) that he is out of work but he can stop excessive drinking. That needs tackling.

It does sound as if this relationship is not offering you the support you need right now but it's your partner you need to tell....not us

Loopy - sorry for your loss

I think you both need to address why he's drinking

It's all well and good saying 'he doesn't sound like a bonus' but perhaps he's hurting and things need to be sorted out between the two of you?

He sounds insecure to me...about losing his job and possibly losing you and his daughters.

You are stressed and maybe a bit depressed I think. I also believe that you don't actually want anything to happen to your babies, but it's all just overwhelming at the moment.

Yes, you wanted things to be so different but you know what, when the babies arrive you will realise that you would live on the breadline in a shoebox if that's what it takes, but I now you know that already.

I don't believe this is about the babies, it's about how you thought things would be when you next got pregnant and now they're not but just because things aren't how you thought they would turn out doesn't mean they can't be good and special in their own way.

Your DP sounds like he's struggling too so try to support each other and in building on that you may find more contentment. I think it's vital to sort out your feeling towards him before the babies come because once they do, there won't be any time to do it!!! You can't be in this situation once they are here then life will be really hard.

You won't be a single mum this time round, and if you can support each other then you, your DP and the babies can be a wonderful family.

There's also no reason in the world that your babies will have the same struggles as your DS and you in turn will not have the same struggles.

You will be OK, you have to know that. But do try and find the positives in this situation - yes it will be hard but even if everything was 'perfect' it would still be hard. But you both can cope with this. Together.

You all talk a lot of sense MNers, thank you. I have 5 Scottish aunties but unfortunately they are in Scotland, obviously, and not into this new fangled interconnect business, so you are my virtual family panel!

Cabrinha yes, have thought about booking us both in with a counsellor but it feels so lame, I should just TALK to him, but don't know how to without it sounding like am accusing him of being inadequate...

Booyhoo you're right, he does have some antennae, and did a spreadsheet proactively which showed we could live off his pay off etc for 16 months, and has also said, to his credit, after I fell asleep at 8 after coming home from work yesterday, that it was killing him that I was working...but, and this is part of my AIBU, that spreadsheet projection would imply twins in our room for the duration, no help in the first weeks etc...he went through a very messy divorce, so money has dissolved. And I have had brilliant jobs, but have been on my own, so has gone on childcare, school fees etc - have precisely 79p in my savings account!

liberty I agree, I don't think I'm helping, he must be picking up on it. I was vomming like a volcano this morning, but went round 10 supermarkets with him because he's interviewing to run a big food brand. I'd love him to get it - for him, far more than for us. It's horrid to see him all broken. But I'm just too tired to sit up every night when I have to go to work the next day and he's on his 6th glass of wine talking about how he might get out of this rut...

Have you ever told him you love him unconditionally and would be just as proud of him and find him just as sexy if he worked selling hamburgers in a fast food shop?

Or if he did a bit of cleaning or gardening to tide him over til he finds the job he's after?

Actually, do you love him unconditionally and would you be just as proud of him?

you know what, if you have to have the twins in your room for 16 months to make ends meet then that's what you do. it mightn't be much fun but this is the situation you have in front of you. what are the alternatives?

can i just add, i know this is a serious thread but twin girls are in my fantasy family and i would gladly foster them for you until
you felt able to have them back, but i get to dress them!

HI hells, sounds like a tough situation at the moment so look after yourself.

Just a few thoughts/advice. I agree with worraliberty that DH is hurting. So many men define themselves through their work and he probably needs lots of TLC.

Although of course you're probably feeling tired to know where to start. But try and talk to him.

I had twins (now 16 months) and I'm telling you, in my experience, you will need him with you. Try and get the relationship issues sorted now as me and DH (we have a very good-ish marriage) found the twins a huge strain on us due to sleep deprivation, sheer busy-ness.

I wish you the best of luck :)

A successful md of a global business, yet no new job offers? Is it TRUE? Do you know for a fact that he was a successful md? It does not sound like it....

Why did he lose his job?
Drinking related?

If I were you, I would not question the babies, but the relationship. I would kick him out.

liberty I would be, of course. A mutual friend got him to do a day's 'work experience' teaching and I think he would be perfect at it and would have been my ideal teacher...but he hasn't followed it up.

I think he's teetering on the cliff of depression, I am too but will stop it because I have no choice, two babies about to come out...but we're just running out of time, due date is March, but you have to be prepared for much earlier with twins...and he'll say things like 'we should interview some maternity nurses' and it's like, this nurse will be where exactly? And the twins? And we'll pay her with what?

secondcoming I know. And 99% of the time I just slap myself and stop being so silly. But the 1% remaining is hard. And, yes, I know it is the most unmaternal thing in the world to write, so hence my original post, but in my black moments I do wonder whether it would be better all round if Nature decided the twins weren't meant to be. Sorry. And I would obviously never do anything about that, and am still religiously following my eating/drinking/Pregnacare regime, so worry not!

On saying that - twins are a wonderful gift though!!

Good luck again :)