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Original poster

to half wish this pregnancy isn't successful?

244 replies

hells1908 · 19/11/2011 23:24

Flame me.

Right, long winded rant alert.

I had my DS when I was 19 and at university so far from perfect but we pulled through, and he's about to go off to university himself. We've been through our trials and tribulations - his Dad, who was the college heartthrob, revealed himself to be a violent, alcoholic depressive. I bore the brunt of it, sometimes my DS. DS has Aspergers, which has brought us lows and many more highs. It's not been the most ideal of childhoods, and I have spent most of it as a lone parent, but managed to run various ad agencies in between, DS rocks, bless him, because I wouldn't have wished some of the things he's gone through on anyone, least of all my own flesh and blood.

Anyhows. New DP, have been together 18 months, and I am 5 months with twins. We've been through our own woods too. But now the very successful MD of a global company (sue me, it was sexy that he was powerful) is out of work, is trying very hard, but it's been 6 months and still nothing doing, I am the size of a small elephant because of the twins, knackered, and in a huge amount of pain (scans keep showing up OK and they keep saying it's just ligaments but it's crippling), but am working full time as a freelancer because each week is one month's rent on the new house we need to rent because this one is too small/run down (had bought it before I met DP as a romantic project to do after DS left home, tiny cottage, but fab location, I had a Beeny moment!)...oh, and I don't know whether it's that I'm taking out my ire at my lot on him, or hormones, or just...but simply don't find him sexy anymore and we haven't done the deed since August, and (yes, because he'll be picking up on that) most nights I go to bed and he drinks 3 bottles of wine (I'm not exagerating) and falls asleep on the sofa.

Unless he's been out at networking events - and it's absolutely right he shuold do that to help with the job search - but then he'll come in at 2am and breathe fumes over me and wake me up. I was actually sick the last time I did it; second trimester hasn't brought any respite!

So...ramble ramble. It's just the first time around with DS, when we lived in a damp basement and frogs got into his nursery, and I was at Oxford bloomin university and got a first despite everything, I made all sorts of Scarlett O'Hara promises to myself that next time, if there was one, it would be oh so different.

Yet I am stuck with an unemployed partner, in a rundown house, at work when I shouldn't be (I know that sounds lame, I know everyone gets pregnant and works, but even the hospital has been raising eyebrows), with DP drinking himself silly each night...and the final straw was tonight he's suggested packing DS off for New Year to his Dad's so we can have a babymoon which is a LOVELY idea, but last New Year his alcho Dad beat him up on NY and we had to drive to Oxford to rescue him and there is absolutely no way on earth I am letting that happen again. Ever.

AIBU? Spoilt? The twins were completely unplanned. But I am resenting every minute that I am not enjoying being pregnant. And, yes, I do have Bad Thoughts about how maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I just don't know how to begin to even broach this with him without it completely knocking his self esteem which would be so counter productive. But I get emails from the Pampers bloomin baby club saying 'you may feel like painting your nursery now, don't climb a ladder!' and it's like, what nursery? How did I get to this point?

Argh.

OP posts:
jasminerice · 22/11/2011 16:45

But why, when beginning a thread, should anyone have to consider other people's feelings? We're all adults on here. Life is hard. With many difficult and unpleasant things to cope with. If people are upset by the thread title, they have the simple option of not reading any further.

But it is plainly ridiculous to tell a woman who is pregnant when she doesn't want to be that she shouldn't feel anything but sheer bliss and joy, just because other women have lost their babies or can't have babies. Grow up.

hackmum · 22/11/2011 16:48

pink4ever - I don't see the problems you list (selling the house, having to work etc) as the main problems. I see the main problems as being that she's living with an unemployed alcoholic, she's having a difficult and painful twin pregnancy and she has a DS with Asperger's who she's very worried about because he needs to work to get the grades to go to university, but the domestic situation is making that hard for him. None of that is as bad as being bereaved but it doesn't sound like a picnic either.

BecauseImWorthIt · 22/11/2011 16:49

Competitive misery and competitive poverty.

chipmonkey · 22/11/2011 16:50

Northern, she didn't say that she was stressed about being pregnant. She said she was half-hoping the pregnancy would be unsuccessful. She is getting answers to the question she asked.

MerryMarigold · 22/11/2011 16:51

I'm not sure you'll read this. But just wanted to add a perspective as a mum of twins.

THE PREGNANCY IS A LOT WORSE THAN HAVING 2 NEWBORNS

You'd better believe it. And I enjoyed being pregnant SO much with my first. But with twins it was hideous. And I never, ever, ever want to pregnant again.

You are emotional, heavy, growing 2 babies. You feel a bit rubbish. It's ok.

It will be better once they're here. However hard it may be. It will be easier, honest!

flatbread · 22/11/2011 16:51

Well, pink, we can agree to disagree. I think what the OP is feeling is very natural and I think she has shown grit and determination, the opposite of being entitled.

Anyway, I wish her and the rest of you who have suffered all the best

MerryMarigold · 22/11/2011 16:52

PS. Just wanted to add competitive pregnancy! Wink

Northernlurker · 22/11/2011 17:00

Chipmonkey - the things that are causing her anxiety - dp's behaviour, her work, his work, the house, money going forward are all revolving around the catalyst of the pregnancy so I interpreted her posts as indicating she is stressed by the pregnancy and half wishing (which is not the same as wanting) that it would end is her response to that stress.

jasminerice · 22/11/2011 17:00

FGS, surely it's obvious that saying she half hopes the pregnancy is unsuccessful shows that she's stressed about being pregnant and would rather not be pregnant.

There are truly some half wits on here.

whoneedssleepanyway · 22/11/2011 17:15

Jasminerice, can you not see that it is the way she has said these things.

She is joking away about Pampers baby club and painting nurseries....

If she had come on and said "Look this is an awful thing to say but I really don't think i was to be pregnant" people would have gone easier.

No-one is telling her she should be cracking open the champagne if she isn't elated she is allowed to have negative feelings but it is the crass and flippant way in which she has expressed these.

Northernlurker · 22/11/2011 17:20

Well some people do resort to black humour in dire straits. Is that so hard to understand? It just seems like some posters have taken against the OP - her situation, her feelings and now her tone? I think that's really not on.

jasminerice · 22/11/2011 17:32

Black humour is how I read it. But that's obviously beyond the limited cognitive capacity of some on here to understand.

The only mistake OP made is posting in AIBU about such a serious issue. I've always seen AIBU as being for more lighthearted controversial matters.

chipmonkey · 22/11/2011 17:32

Jasmine, because starting a thread is starting a conversation in a room where anyone could be listening. And who are you telling to grow up? You sound far from grown-up yourself.

Kayzr · 22/11/2011 17:42

I haven't read all the responses and I have no intention of doing so.

But OP go to chat and read the twins thread there. And then count yourself really really fucking lucky.

Moominsarescary · 22/11/2011 17:44

Black humour? Yes because not wanting your babies is so funny, if it is black humour then she would have known people would find it offensive,

One of the things about black humour is the fact that many find it insensitive offensive and cruel, look up the definition ffs

chipmonkey · 22/11/2011 17:45

Black humour? So stillbirth is funny, then? Sorry if I've lost my sense of humour. Hmm

iggi999 · 22/11/2011 17:46

Jasmine you are now making a lot of personal attacks - limited cognitive ability ffs? Has that suddenly become allowed in aibu?
What is your problem?

Northernlurker · 22/11/2011 17:49

Of course stillbirth isn't funny - and the op hasn't suggested that it is. When talking about her own situation she has resorted to black humour. By all means be offended if she uses the same to refer to YOUR situation but she can talk about her own circumstances in whatever manner she chooses. I really don't understand who those disagree with this are still on this thread?

BecauseImWorthIt · 22/11/2011 17:57

I can never understand why it is not OK on MN to be allowed to have your own problem and talk about your own problem being all-consuming, without someone telling you to go and read about someone else's problem. Of course there's always someone with a 'better' problem, but that doesn't take away the right for someone to feel totally bowled over/all-consumed by their own.

pink4ever · 22/11/2011 18:05

So the poster who is suggesting othe posters are stupid-janice-honey if you have to resort to personal insults then you have lost the argument. And you sound just as nice as the op.really.

chipmonkey · 22/11/2011 18:37

BIWI, believe you me, no-one who has lost a baby is trying to compete against the OP. Glad you think my problem is better than hers.

She asked if she was BU by hoping her pregnancy would be unsuccessful! That is the actual thread title! Those of us whose pregnancies were insuccessful have answered that she is BU. As to problems being better than others, if having dd back in my arms, meant that I had to put up with dh being drunk and unemployed, I would sign up to that and then sort dh out!
Northern nowhere in the MN etiquette does it say that you should only stay on the thread if you agree with the OP.

I will leave the thread now but will just say to the OP, please be careful what you wish for.

BecauseImWorthIt · 22/11/2011 18:40

chipmonkey - I'm very aware of the situation you are in, and I am in no way denigrating it. How could I? I've lost a baby through miscarriage myself.

But the point I'm trying to make is that for the OP her problem is, for her, all-consuming at the moment. For other posters to tell her that other people have had/are having worse problems doesn't really help her.

jasminerice · 22/11/2011 18:41

Pink, it does suggest a limited cognitive capacity if people do not understand the concept of joking about something that is patently unfunny eg stillbirth which is termed black humour.

pink4ever · 22/11/2011 18:51

jasmine-apologies firstly for calling you janice. Secondly yes I am fully able to recognise humour. But thanks for the clarification.

May I now remind you-yet again-that op posted this in aibu and that the veru first words she posted were flame me?

So why the umbrage when people do exactly that? or does your limited cognitive ability extend to reading?

iggi999 · 22/11/2011 18:53

BIWI - don't you think that sometimes what an OP needs is a sense of perspective? That can be hard to obtain when you're in the middle of something and one reason why you might ask for advice from others.