to half wish this pregnancy isn't successful?

[hells1908]

Flame me.

Right, long winded rant alert.

I had my DS when I was 19 and at university so far from perfect but we pulled through, and he's about to go off to university himself. We've been through our trials and tribulations - his Dad, who was the college heartthrob, revealed himself to be a violent, alcoholic depressive. I bore the brunt of it, sometimes my DS. DS has Aspergers, which has brought us lows and many more highs. It's not been the most ideal of childhoods, and I have spent most of it as a lone parent, but managed to run various ad agencies in between, DS rocks, bless him, because I wouldn't have wished some of the things he's gone through on anyone, least of all my own flesh and blood.

Anyhows. New DP, have been together 18 months, and I am 5 months with twins. We've been through our own woods too. But now the very successful MD of a global company (sue me, it was sexy that he was powerful) is out of work, is trying very hard, but it's been 6 months and still nothing doing, I am the size of a small elephant because of the twins, knackered, and in a huge amount of pain (scans keep showing up OK and they keep saying it's just ligaments but it's crippling), but am working full time as a freelancer because each week is one month's rent on the new house we need to rent because this one is too small/run down (had bought it before I met DP as a romantic project to do after DS left home, tiny cottage, but fab location, I had a Beeny moment!)...oh, and I don't know whether it's that I'm taking out my ire at my lot on him, or hormones, or just...but simply don't find him sexy anymore and we haven't done the deed since August, and (yes, because he'll be picking up on that) most nights I go to bed and he drinks 3 bottles of wine (I'm not exagerating) and falls asleep on the sofa.

Unless he's been out at networking events - and it's absolutely right he shuold do that to help with the job search - but then he'll come in at 2am and breathe fumes over me and wake me up. I was actually sick the last time I did it; second trimester hasn't brought any respite!

So...ramble ramble. It's just the first time around with DS, when we lived in a damp basement and frogs got into his nursery, and I was at Oxford bloomin university and got a first despite everything, I made all sorts of Scarlett O'Hara promises to myself that next time, if there was one, it would be oh so different.

Yet I am stuck with an unemployed partner, in a rundown house, at work when I shouldn't be (I know that sounds lame, I know everyone gets pregnant and works, but even the hospital has been raising eyebrows), with DP drinking himself silly each night...and the final straw was tonight he's suggested packing DS off for New Year to his Dad's so we can have a babymoon which is a LOVELY idea, but last New Year his alcho Dad beat him up on NY and we had to drive to Oxford to rescue him and there is absolutely no way on earth I am letting that happen again. Ever.

AIBU? Spoilt? The twins were completely unplanned. But I am resenting every minute that I am not enjoying being pregnant. And, yes, I do have Bad Thoughts about how maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I just don't know how to begin to even broach this with him without it completely knocking his self esteem which would be so counter productive. But I get emails from the Pampers bloomin baby club saying 'you may feel like painting your nursery now, don't climb a ladder!' and it's like, what nursery? How did I get to this point?

Argh.

It's not at all nice to have the Bad Thoughts about your babies but bottling it up & pretending all is well is not going to help. I'm a firm believer in acknowledging things, getting them out there & then getting on with it. I had some major ambivalence about this pregnancy and without wishing harm to my baby still at some points actively wished it were not happening. Once I was able to address why I was feeling all that, I was able to get over it & deal with the underlying issues. Of which there are clearly many for you and understandable why you would be finding things hard.

Are you able to talk to a GP or your midwife about any of this? I was too ashamed at first but it was so much better when I did & they have been tremendously supportive. I might add that-as I was told in my case- I think not addressing these feelings now could put you at greater risk for PND, which is also not good for you or your babies.

shadow yes, very successful MD, I used to work for him ;) Jobs at that level are few and far between, especially at the moment, and he's been trying so hard, has looked at 50% pay cut ones, but feedback is always that he's over qualified. One option is to set up his own business - we have some ideas - but that would mean taking more money out of the savings and I just worry that, when I'm no longer earning, I'll have to ask for cash for haircuts, DS university starter kit etc...

I think you're both teetering on depression from the sounds of things OP and it must be maddening to see him dealing with his feelings through the bottom of a wine glass when you're trying your hardest to keep it together.

I'm not sure what to suggest other than a massive heart to heart conversation and a lot of support from each other...although that's probably the most difficult part. It's almost impossible to give someone the support they need when you yourself need just as much.

But I hope you both persivere and get through this. You can both come out the other side and life has a funny way of turning up a trump card when you least expect it...so he might just get a job tomorrow

Please don't listen to those who simply tap the words "kick him out" on their keyboards...I'm sure you are too intelligent and have more respect for your twins than to simply do that without trying to sort this out.

Good luck

sound advice (as always) worraliberty

Addendum, cash for haircuts sounds weird...what I mean is that, as I won't have my own money, and know that savings are tight, and earmarked for the business, I will feel a bit cap in hand...

Lucky thank you, and it's nice (in the worst possible sense) to know I'm not alone. GP is awful; midwife almost as bad. I worry - sorry, awful thing to say - that the community midwife unit at our hospital is geared up to deal with people with drink/drug/STD/criminal issues (it is, that's not me casting aspersions!) - so if I sit down and be all middle class and say 'oo, DP's not an MD anymore' they're not going to quite get it. Do you think there's another way? Should I just go and see a shrink? Is this my problem, or is it a talk with DP?

At the risk of sounding sycophantic...

Regardless of the pregnancy, it is really tough for your DP to be out of work. My DH was unemployed for 15 months a couple of years ago and although we managed (it was a struggle) and I was not pregnant, psychologically it was really hard. That's for both of us and I'll admit that I had a couple of 'he doesn't feel like the same person' moments.

The truth is, of course he was the same person and he hated being 'kept' financially by me. He did some crap jobs whilst searching and the right thing did come along in the end. We had a few frank conversations during that time but had to remember that it wouldn't be forever.

My Dad gave me the best advice at that time when he said that we would look back in years to come and recall that shitty time we had, but it would be in the past and we would have got through it together.

Could you start the conversation with your DP by bringing up your concern over his drinking? Surely with an ex-DP who is alcoholic he must understand your concern and not to mention the impact on his ability to job search properly and the cost!

Good luck with it.

He might find it easier to get a job if he wasn't an alcoholic.

Must be the wine professor

I'm not sure anyone here is qualified to diagnose alcoholism

He's certainly binge drinking that's for sure

Let's hope so, because that's a lot easier to overcome than a disease

Though with the right support, both can be beaten of course.

My dh was made redundant just as I found outi was pregnant and it took him three years to find another job! Actually it took him three years to apply for another job. I was a bit pissed but what can you do? He decided he'd like a break and had the savings to finance it. So I went back to work when dd was 4 months and he was a house husband. I still fancied the pants off him though.

although have moved to now as off to bed shortly

worraliberty can you be my new best friend please?!

Agree with you about ignoring the 'kick him out' types. I love him to pieces. He's brilliant with little girls - he has two god daughters. He IS a good man, but in a bad place.

I just want this to work. And if it doesn't, or won't, to sort it out with the minimum amount of pain to all concerned.

He went away tonight to stay on his boat with his BF which is a good thing (BF's wife having been briefed beforehand by me!), but I do need to talk to him tomorrow, as next week will be mad with work.

Any advice on how to bring up 'I am so sad am almost wishing the twins non existent...' in a much more constructive way would be welcome.

Of course...we can be the new Thelma and Louise with twin babies strapped in the back of the car

I have to go to bed now...but perhaps a talk about the two of you instead of mentioning the twins might be in order?

I know the twins are paramount obviously, but if you can both get your relationship back on track, I'm sure your fear of having the twins will lessen...if not disappear.

Goodnight and good luck...please keep us posted.

I don't think he's an alcoholic - famous last words - but he is binge drinking of an evening to blot it all out.

I don't think the drinking has anything to do with lack of jobs as he definitely only starts in the evening. But, yes, tis a problem whose bud needs to be nipped.

Oh..what to do, what to do. Off to bed now, thank you SO much for your marvellous sounding board talents.

Laters.

WorraLiberty and hells1908 actually some people on here are qualified to diagnose alcoholism. Not that a professional would from this very limited information. I will say though that there are roughly 8-9 units in a bottle of wine. He drinks three a night (that you know about). That's 24-27 units a night. It takes roughly an hour to process one unit so 24 units in a 24 hour period. He may be physically addicted to alcohol. Or not. He needs to see a doctor and tell the doctor exactly what he is drinking. He may well need proper help to get over this.

BTW two issues with this. One is that if he is driving at all at the moment, he could well be over the limit. Two, if he is physically addicted to alcohol (and he may be sneaking drinks as well) it can be dangerous to give up cold-turkey without medical advice. He may have liver damage or similar which could affect his processing of the alcohol.

Since your DS's father is an alcoholic and your current partner drinks, can I suggest Al Anon to see if you have an issue with relationships with people who problem drink. If your father or mother was a drinker, doubly so.

Your thread title is vile - you want your twins still born?

I sympathise - I was with a deadbeat man for 15 years, but it's too late know in terms of your pregnancy - not too late to get out of your shitty "relationship".

Pregnancy is hard - I'm 31 weeks and struggling (and in a high level ft job). But it will be worth everything when I have my baby.

I agree with hairylights that your thread title is really unpleasant - I know you want to grab people's attention on AIBU but I am and for those desperate ttc who see this and feel just that little bit worse.

You've had some good advice and I feel for you in your situation.

Your dp has got a drink problem . Any drinking that creates problems is, errr, a drink problem!

I agree the title is brutal. I think the OP is using the privacy of MN to vent her worst thoughts. She doesn't mean this -she is just mulling through life options and the pregnancy seems to be the problem at the moment.

It's not the problem. She just hasn't realised it

The problem is both of them adjusting to new dynamic of lost job, difficult job market, uncertain finances, wanting more than they can sensibly afford, changed expectations. (Which actually covers both their situations)

They need to talk and work out why they blame each other/the pregnancy.

Drinking is a problem. It's both expensive and a spiral staircase downwards to all sorts of issues.

Maybe he cannot be the provider you want and need right now but sober he could be the support you need.

The pregnancy is an issue because it does place stresses on you both. You need to be pulling together when they arrive

I am amazed at those posters that suggest to kick him out, just like that. How easy!
Your DP is going through a tough time, he is down, he needs you to help pick himself up. The higher you are in the job market, the higher the drop and the more difficult to find another.
It happened to my dad when he was late 50's and he was never a or to find something else, my mother didn't throw him out!
Can your DP try to find a new direction? Retrain in something else, or downgrade his job aspirations until things pick up?

...never able to...

You could start by saying you are worried about him and that you don't think he's an alcoholic, but you really don't want him to turn into one, having seen it before.

Please try not to voice comments about your pregnancy such as in the thread title. Apart from anything else, if anything did happen to the twins, you would think yourself responsible and never forgive yourself.

It sounds like you could both do with some outside help, maybe couples counselling could help?

Well, as someone who is waiting for her 20 wk scan to find out whether something is really wring with her baby I find your thread title and premise a little emotive to say the least.

Anyway.

I think the main problem here is your perception/dream. This is probably creating a vicious cycle with his drinking which would piss me off too. A little mutual reassurance?

If you loved him you wouldn't feel differently about him now he is unemployed, that can happen to the best of us. He sounds like he was trying, his spreadsheet sounds reassuring but you dismiss it because it would involve room sharing and no 'help'. That is not the end of the world, and in fact is the situation through choice for many.

You work freelance, so could cut down presumably and still be contributing? Could he use any spare time to be doing up the place you live in?

maybe he drinks three bottles of wine a night to dull the pain of living with you?

oh, and congratulations!

Btw I don't agree she should tell him she loves him unconditionally. A relationship (except with dc) should absolutely be conditional.