to half wish this pregnancy isn't successful?

[hells1908]

Flame me.

Right, long winded rant alert.

I had my DS when I was 19 and at university so far from perfect but we pulled through, and he's about to go off to university himself. We've been through our trials and tribulations - his Dad, who was the college heartthrob, revealed himself to be a violent, alcoholic depressive. I bore the brunt of it, sometimes my DS. DS has Aspergers, which has brought us lows and many more highs. It's not been the most ideal of childhoods, and I have spent most of it as a lone parent, but managed to run various ad agencies in between, DS rocks, bless him, because I wouldn't have wished some of the things he's gone through on anyone, least of all my own flesh and blood.

Anyhows. New DP, have been together 18 months, and I am 5 months with twins. We've been through our own woods too. But now the very successful MD of a global company (sue me, it was sexy that he was powerful) is out of work, is trying very hard, but it's been 6 months and still nothing doing, I am the size of a small elephant because of the twins, knackered, and in a huge amount of pain (scans keep showing up OK and they keep saying it's just ligaments but it's crippling), but am working full time as a freelancer because each week is one month's rent on the new house we need to rent because this one is too small/run down (had bought it before I met DP as a romantic project to do after DS left home, tiny cottage, but fab location, I had a Beeny moment!)...oh, and I don't know whether it's that I'm taking out my ire at my lot on him, or hormones, or just...but simply don't find him sexy anymore and we haven't done the deed since August, and (yes, because he'll be picking up on that) most nights I go to bed and he drinks 3 bottles of wine (I'm not exagerating) and falls asleep on the sofa.

Unless he's been out at networking events - and it's absolutely right he shuold do that to help with the job search - but then he'll come in at 2am and breathe fumes over me and wake me up. I was actually sick the last time I did it; second trimester hasn't brought any respite!

So...ramble ramble. It's just the first time around with DS, when we lived in a damp basement and frogs got into his nursery, and I was at Oxford bloomin university and got a first despite everything, I made all sorts of Scarlett O'Hara promises to myself that next time, if there was one, it would be oh so different.

Yet I am stuck with an unemployed partner, in a rundown house, at work when I shouldn't be (I know that sounds lame, I know everyone gets pregnant and works, but even the hospital has been raising eyebrows), with DP drinking himself silly each night...and the final straw was tonight he's suggested packing DS off for New Year to his Dad's so we can have a babymoon which is a LOVELY idea, but last New Year his alcho Dad beat him up on NY and we had to drive to Oxford to rescue him and there is absolutely no way on earth I am letting that happen again. Ever.

AIBU? Spoilt? The twins were completely unplanned. But I am resenting every minute that I am not enjoying being pregnant. And, yes, I do have Bad Thoughts about how maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I just don't know how to begin to even broach this with him without it completely knocking his self esteem which would be so counter productive. But I get emails from the Pampers bloomin baby club saying 'you may feel like painting your nursery now, don't climb a ladder!' and it's like, what nursery? How did I get to this point?

Argh.

From the op he started drinking after, and the OP happily admits that his success was attractive. That is fine, but it isn't the basis for a relationship, as is now apparent. If the babies were planned he was already redundant.

Tbh coming onto a parenting website with that kind of title, on AIBU was always going to upset people. There are sections that would be more 'supportive' if that is what the OP was after. Issuing a non-apology for upset caused with the qualifying statement of 'this is an anon forum, where else can I chat, so shoot me, blah blah blah' doesn't remove that insensitivity.

She posted in AIBU with a outrageous title, so she is without doubt BU.

She has had loads of replies on here, most of which she has ignored unless it has been 'oh I understand how difficult it must be with less money than you deserve blah, blah ..'

She asked is she was Spoilt too. Em..Yes sounds like it.

x-post Ninky

But this isn't NetMums! One of the reasons I so love this site is because people can express all sorts of 'unacceptable' feelings without (I thought) being told they weren't Proper Women.

And tbh yes yes twins are a blessing- but the Op is the size of a small continent, working her arse off, supporting her partner and her son and Fucking Worried Sick at a time when she no doubt thought life would be just a teeny tiny bit easier.

Posting in AIBU does not mean that she has to have a massive slagging off.

Absolutely it isn't Netmums. Which by that logic means people should expect opinions that they may disagree with. I don't feel the OP has had a massive slagging off by any token, not compared to many...some have just expressed that they don't find the OP above reproach from her postings.

pink4ever - from the OP's very first post:

The twins were completely unplanned

I think many posters have been very kind - I have not noticed any massive 'slagging offs', but she did ask if she was being unreasonable, therefore she has had a variety of answers with reasons.

Less money than you deserve? Last month, just before payday, I had £10 to last the week. I thought 'shit this is like being 20 again' and I really didn't expect to be a millioanire by now but to be still scratting around and living on a wing and a prayer can really get you down sometimes.

Mardy - I totally know how that feels - walking around the supermarket trying to work out which items are priority and will last the longest eg. bag of spuds, beans, milk etc... and then having to mentally add everything up, only to remember you forgot about the 50p you gave each child for mufti day and that you need to put something back!!!

While we're discussing the weariness of budgeting, how much is being spent on the alcohol here.

Let's say each bottle is £3. 3x£3 =£9. £9x7=£63 a week.

Let's not even get on to his liver's long-term prospects!

His drinking is not sustainable. It really isn't. Please OP, get him to sort it sooner, rather than later.

They don't seem the sort to buy cheap wine Scary so I would double that!

This probably isn't answering the op but it makes me so incredibly sad that there are countless people weeping today for lost babies or babies than can not have, and countless people with healthy babies they don't want.

I have never and will never understand why life is so unbalanced in this way.

I hope you have a happy outcome op, whatever that may be.

I think 2 things:
This pg is taking you right back to your first pg and in a sense you're projecting the feelings you had then onto this situation. But you are not in the same situation and I think some counselling would help you to see that. You don't believe your DP is an alcoholic (although clearly he is binge drinking and I think if he doesn't actually have depression that amount of booze will be making him feel depressed), you have a home, you have options and the power to change your situation.

The second thing is, if your DP can't get a job and you can make that amount of money freelancing, I would think the sensible solution would be for DP to become a SAHD for the immediate period after the twins are born and for you to go out and earn the cash. Sorry, prob not what you thought your life would be like after marrying your 'sexy MD' but life has thrown you some lemons and with your first and 18 years of experience, you actually do have the tools to make some lemonade!

I havent read other replies, sorry. Your relationship sounds depressingly bad for only 18 months in.

I can't help but suspect the same. MD guy will have developed expensive tastes.

Someone's probably going to tell me that they can buy a good Bordeaux/whatever for 99p a bottle through shopping around now!

Lidl for good cheap European wine Jessie!

Not every pregnancy is immediately the best thing ever. I think the op is very honest in the sense. Many women are very bewildered through pg and feel like they can't speak out because of this taboo.

People do sometimes think hard things, things that don't make any sense to people outside their situation. The OP is in a hole here and she's struggling. She has acknowledged that her thread title is challenging, I don't think anything is to be gained by personally attacking her.

OP - I think you need to get some support with your own depressed feelings. I think dp needs to stop drinking and yes I think you need to move asap. Being on top of one another is not going to help.

I lost a baby at 4.5 months pg and it was terrible, but I am not offended at your title. When I read it and your OP I took it to mean you want more for your twins that what you currently have to offer them and think (in your darkest moments) they are better off not being born.

But you should like a good mum to me, and your DS sounds like a success story so far and you are a signficant part of that.

I have some empathy with your situation as my DH was a high earner and was made redundant back in 2009 and we both found it very difficult. Your DP may feel useless and guilty that he is not earning and fearful with the twins on the way and inadequate that he cannot contribute financially at the moment, humiliated at his falling from where he was. If being an MD is what defined him, he may well be very much affected by losing that status. He is turning to booze to deal with these feelings which is a huge no-no. My DH didn't drink in the way you are describing your DP does - but did drink during the day twice in the few months he was looking for work when it all got too much - not fun to come back from work to your DH in a stupor - the pressure and fear that this going to become status qu was pretty bad. He is back in work now and that is all history and it was a bad patch and that is how we both look at it.

I guess I am saying he needs to pull you all out of your bad patch. He needs to tackle the drinking and get himself back into work for the good of everyone in your family unit. I would get him to admit that he is drinking too much and encourage him to quit (ultimatum maybe?) and if he can't then he is dependent/ alcoholic and may need support to do so (AA for instance). All the while he needs to throw more into finding work. With my DH it took 18months to find another permanent job, but he turned to contracting and in that 18months was only out of work for a total of 12 weeks. Could he do something similar - contract work to rebuild his self esteem and help you improve your financial situation, take the pressure of you to work counter to medical advice and help you move into a better home?

OP, I felt like this a bit when pregnant with DS last year. He wasn't planned either (alothough we did want another, just not now). My circumstances were not a million miles from yours, both directors for a medium sized company in a sector that is really struggling at the moment. I had a young DD (tbh wanted another daughter), couldn't imagine how we would cope, DH needing a lot of support etc. I spent the whole pregnancy with very mixed feelings and whereas with DD I was very anxious and neurotic about every twinge, with DS I was much more blase, because hey, if it didn't work out it wouldn't be the end of the world

But... You are pregnant. With twins. Your hormones will truly be shot to shit. I had to go back to work immediately after having my DS, because of aforementioned company issues, but he is the absolute light of my life . I can't conceive the feelings I had when pregnant, but I remember that they were real. Life is harder now and work, if anything is worse. I would change the circumstances of my life in a heartbeat, but I wouldn't change DS for anything.

When you're feeling negative (and you sound very strong from your posts) can you believe that once your girls are here, all snuggly and beautiful, you will cope with whatever life throws at you to protect and care for them. You seem capable, realistic and pragmatic, i'm sure you will adore them

Fuck me, someone tells you they have lost a baby and people including the op say "try putting yourselfs in the ops shoes"

To half wish your pg isnt successful even with the out of work, drunk husband is not the same as someone loosing a baby they wanted very much

I tell you, I would rather be in "your own hell" than the he'll I feel over the loss of my baby at your stage of pg. you can do something about your situation, when your child dies there is nothing you can do.

Becareful what you wish for

OP I haven't read the other replies and have no wish to. I've lost babies later on and think your thread title is vile. You need to sort out your relationship not wish death upon your unborn babies.

Nasty