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Original poster

I have just had the shock of my life and really don't know what to do.

249 replies

santababee · 21/12/2005 15:36

I will preface this by saying I have only posted once using this name, I am a regular poster,Iknow, I know, we read it all the time don't we? Me included.
I am in a state ATM.

Dh had a colleague who he was very close to(for osme reason even hearing her voice made a small alarm bell ring. He would go for coffee with her regularly, advised her about various things to do with her wedding (we had gotten married a year before)just general stuff like that.
She's never met me or addressed anything to me directly but also bought ds some things when he was small. I do remember reading something which had "I miss you alot" on a card or something from her, anyway. She was tranferred to another office hundreds of miles away about 18 months and I found out from an acquantance that she's had a baby. I thought it odd that my dh never mentioned it as he tends to drop into conversation anyone who is having a baby close to us and also quite relieved thather time would be taken up elsewhere!
I was being nosey and asked the acquantance a few bits about her baby wanting to send a few gifts for her from me rather than dh IYKWIM, kind of silly I know but I wanted to gain a bit of control (does that make sence?)

She e mailed a photo of this lady's baby and I nearly fell off my chair. The baby is so like my son that at first I thought it was a joke or at best a mistake. Her baby is the double of my husband.

I have sat here opening and shutting the photo in disbelief. I am talking myself out of being stupid ,then comparing photos of my ds. I've been doing this for a couple of hours even leaving my ds with my neighbour as I can' think straight, type properly or do much really.

I know the colleagues e mail address and have resisted the urge to mail her a pic of my son with a question mark next to it. I'm imagining all sorts.

OP posts:
NannyL · 22/12/2005 19:18

That is correct cockney... BUT if the baby is a baby it could have dark eyes that havnt quiet reached their blue colour yet.

Both my parents have VERY blue eyes as do myself and my sister. (they are also both blonde as are my sister and myself)

However when my sister was baby until she was about 18months ish she had dark hair and brown eyes. By the time she was 2 she was blonde and blue like the rest of us.

also read this whole thread and really sorry to hear what your going through santa.

tamum · 22/12/2005 19:19

Nothing to do with chimerism though, eye colour's just not a single gene system, there are several modifiers.

collision · 22/12/2005 19:20

Dammit!

I am so sorry that I was right to fear the worst.

Hope u r OK.

Post soon.

xx

tamum · 22/12/2005 19:20

I wouldn't be in the least surprised if there were 72 other threads where you know more than me NQC

(going to start a knitting thread to avoid hijacking)

NannyL · 22/12/2005 19:21

sorry maybe its not correct,i dont know, but my blonde haired blue eyes parents had a dark haired brown eyed baby (that became blonde and blue)

NotQuiteCockney · 22/12/2005 19:23

Please do start a knitting thread, I have some interesting knitting going on around here ... knitting threads are not one of the threads where I know more than you, though!

santabebee, I'm really sorry your suspicions have turned out to be true (in at least that he's had something inappropriate happen with this woman).

dingdongmeggymooonhigh · 22/12/2005 20:27

This is awful for you. I hope you can get the answers you need tonight.

I just wanted to suggest you tell your family. How are you going to explain xmas to them? Won't they want to see you all?
I'm sure they will know that something isn't quite right and it would probably be such a relief for you. You say that your husband wasn't thought of highly by your family initially - perhaps intime they changed their minds about him? Could their reaction surprise you?
I don't think it matters what anybody else would do in your shoes, from your posts you have demonstrated a very strong intuition which I think will help you to deal with what you are facing right now, I would have a lot of faith in that but as others have said I wouldn't do anything in haste.

Bugsy2 · 22/12/2005 20:42

Santababee, I'm so sorry that all this awful stuff has come out and particularly 3 days before Christmas.
I would hold fire on telling too many people at the moment. I waited a few months before I told anyone, apart from on here of course, as I wanted to try and give my relationship with ex-H the best go possible. I knew that if my family and friends knew I would have to deal with all their opinions and interference - however well meant.
I hope you are able to get some sense out of him, so that you get a better idea of what you are dealing with.

dingdongmeggymooonhigh · 22/12/2005 20:44

But Bugsy isn't it an awful time to feel so alone and isolated? I would have thought even telling one relative may help?

Bugsy2 · 22/12/2005 20:54

I know where you are coming from DingDong, but it is going to suck badly whether you tell people or not. If you think you are going to get "told you so" comments from your family, as Santababee has suggested she might, then it is not necessarily going to make her feel any better.
I don't really know what will be "right" for Santababee or what will be best for her, it is just a suggestion.
I think as long as you think you have a chance of making a go of things with your husband, it can be helpful to keep your own counsel for a bit. In a way it shows you are still putting the marriage first.

motherinfurriercoatnoknickers · 22/12/2005 21:02

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that all this is happening.

MARINAtivityPlay · 22/12/2005 21:16

Me too MI, somehow I missed the start of this yesterday.
Santababee, how vile for you that your suspicions have been confirmed in such a shocking and swift way. I've got no sensible advice but wish you all the best with whatever course of action you choose. I think Bugsy's words on your situation, as ever, are full of wisdom borne of experience, and custy has cut straight to the heart of the matter in her usual shrewd fashion.
Best of luck - you have loads of support on here even if you can't tell in RL.

Groggymama · 23/12/2005 13:52

read all this thread this morning and feel very upset for you santababee sending you hugs and support

uwilalalalalala · 23/12/2005 14:42

Santa, how are you? I hope you can come on soon and let us know how you are doing.

Original poster
santababee · 23/12/2005 15:22

Surprisingly I am not too bad. Nothing seems as bad as Wednesday now.
It felt terribly awkward doing it but I told my best friend what had been going on this morning. She dropped everything,left work and came round which I was so touched about as I haven't been in contact with her for so long.
She was/is wonderful and has given me so much support in such little time. She hasn't bitched about him or her or told me what to do. She's listened, nodded, handed me tissues and force fed me toast. It was a relief to show someone else the photo of the baby. She told me that she honestly did see a remarkable likeness but looked on the internet to find other photos of babies the same age for comparison which did help, denial? Perhaps. (something I would never have thought of doing)

To cut a very long winding story short, we're goign to get through xmas and I will attempt to fuzz as much of this out of my head for our family's sake just through Christmas.

I do believe that they had sex a couple of times and "H" ended it when he realised what a mistake he had made which resulted in her making various empty threats then she moved . This does tie in with his behavior in hindsight and since then he really was the most incredible husband and father.

If you had told me last week that I would be the kind of person who would forgive her partner's infidelity I would have laughed out loud as it was always a given that I would not. H is not going to get off lightly I don't think anyway. I've told him that I may consider starting again but need to know that he is truly committed to me and ds. I have asked for him to contact her and to request a paternity test but now in an even stranger twist I am starting to believe that the baby is not his. He isn't reluctant to clear up the question of paternity by agreeing to a test he is very much in favour if it.I can imagine she will think differently.

As my friend pointed out, if and only if this has been a very clever orchestrated plan from this other woman to split up our marriage then perhaps by doing this I am playing right into her hands?

I would have though too that she would want to know the paternity of her baby if it were in question too?

I also know now from H that she is no longer with her husband, which for me added another twist, is this because he found out about the affair or has/had she been seeing someone else? So many questions.

I'm no martyr but I will conclude by saying despite all this crap I'm relieved and thankful for my wonderful friend and I get flashes of joy and can forget for seconds at a time( despite how I'm feeling)from being with ds,who is either sensing that something is different and acting like an absolute angel at the moment or this situation I find myself in has shifted my priorities and expectations.

Just in case I would need to know does anyone know how long the results of a paternity test would take, roughly?

Pls excuse grammar and errors this post was very rushed.

OP posts:
kelb6180 · 23/12/2005 15:26

Just read the thread, well most of it.... what a WNr!!!!

You head is probably up your A** right now, and it is not worth doing anything more about it..well for now anyways.

The other woman is probably hoping for a prosperous new year, but please make this so not the case... why should you suffer, why should you son suffer???

If when you have had a proper chat with you husband it really has a possiblity that this baby is his then I think you need to approach the other woman, if only to say "Happy New Year and I know!!!"

I wish you and your son all the luck in the future and I feel so sorry for you and you son at this time and sincerly hope despite all that has come to light that you have a merry xmas...

expatinscotland · 23/12/2005 15:27

'My ds was born with black hair and the darkest blue eyes imaginable. He is now fair and green eyed. '

So was DD1. She is green-eyed and her hair continues to lighten - it's now got blonde streaks.

I have VERY dark brown eyes and hair.

merrymarchhare · 23/12/2005 15:28

Nothing constructive to say. I just hope you manage to sort this all out so that you are truly happy with the decisions that you make for you and your family.

PantomimEDAMe · 23/12/2005 15:33

So sorry, Santa. Thank goodness for your friend.

giddy1 · 23/12/2005 15:35

Message deleted

Socci · 23/12/2005 15:38

Message withdrawn

Original poster
santababee · 23/12/2005 15:42

Yes Socci I know that you are right and I have considered it. I hate the woman for what's she's done but I hate my husband even more right now because I am his wife who he loves but he did this to me and to his son. I was nothing to her so why wouldn't she?

This just has to be sorted for my sanity I know I will never be ok not knowing/ I don't think I can let it lie. If it is his baby and his mistake then he has to take responsibilty for it.

OP posts:
dingdongmeggymooonhigh · 23/12/2005 16:54

But what if the child is his?(I really hope for you all that it isn't) Would you be happy if he wanted contact.

Contact with the baby may involve contact with the child's mother?

bigbaubleeyes · 23/12/2005 16:57

Have just read this whole thread in tears. Santa you sound v strong. You have my very best wishes, you have been very brave. I can see the validity in staying together. Hope you get all your questions answered in due course. My very best wishes.

longwaytogo · 23/12/2005 18:21

santa when something like this happens our minds race with the options that are open to us. Please don't do anything on the heat of the moment. Relationships can get past something like this, but it will take your dh to be totally open, honest and willing to answer any question that you have. You will feel sick, your skin will crawl but if your going to get through this its going to be talk talk talk all the way.

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