I have just had the shock of my life and really don't know what to do.

[santababee]

I will preface this by saying I have only posted once using this name, I am a regular poster,Iknow, I know, we read it all the time don't we? Me included.
I am in a state ATM.

Dh had a colleague who he was very close to(for osme reason even hearing her voice made a small alarm bell ring. He would go for coffee with her regularly, advised her about various things to do with her wedding (we had gotten married a year before)just general stuff like that.
She's never met me or addressed anything to me directly but also bought ds some things when he was small. I do remember reading something which had "I miss you alot" on a card or something from her, anyway. She was tranferred to another office hundreds of miles away about 18 months and I found out from an acquantance that she's had a baby. I thought it odd that my dh never mentioned it as he tends to drop into conversation anyone who is having a baby close to us and also quite relieved thather time would be taken up elsewhere!
I was being nosey and asked the acquantance a few bits about her baby wanting to send a few gifts for her from me rather than dh IYKWIM, kind of silly I know but I wanted to gain a bit of control (does that make sence?)

She e mailed a photo of this lady's baby and I nearly fell off my chair. The baby is so like my son that at first I thought it was a joke or at best a mistake. Her baby is the double of my husband.

I have sat here opening and shutting the photo in disbelief. I am talking myself out of being stupid ,then comparing photos of my ds. I've been doing this for a couple of hours even leaving my ds with my neighbour as I can' think straight, type properly or do much really.

I know the colleagues e mail address and have resisted the urge to mail her a pic of my son with a question mark next to it. I'm imagining all sorts.

He's still not home? Have you heard from him again?

It's really hard to say what I'd do if I was you, because I don't know the personalities of the people involved - and I don't even know what I'd do if it was my DH I was wondering about!

The doubts you had about this woman before you saw this pic - were they anything more than niggles? Was there anything concrete you can think of?

To help you with dates, my ds was born on 6th Oct, which was his due date and he was conceived in early January.
I still don't think you have anything other than a series of coincidences here Santababee. He may have been shirty because he is tired and had a long day & perhaps he is out Christmas shopping.
Tread carefully, it would be awful to accuse him of infidelity and betraying you, if that is simply not the case.
Think how you would feel if he suggested you were being unfaithful. I think you need something more than a baby lookalike.

I've tried to follow the thread through - what do you know about this woman's partner, or whoever is currently known to be the father of the child? Presumably she hasn't claimed an immaculate conception? I agree that it looks odd if there is no obvious candidate for the father, but you're jumping to a very big conclusion on the basis of a photograph (says she who recently picked the wrong child out of a nativity scene photo as her 4 year old son!)

I think DS1 was dark when he was born. Jaundice, and black hair at birth. He's pale now.

I think what rings bells for me is how quickly you have jumped to this conclusion - if I saw a pic of a baby who looked like DS, I'm really not sure I'd think DH was likely to be the father.

It sounds like all was not well beforehand, or am I jumping to the wrong conclusion? I know most women are more protective of their other halves than I am! But that's largely because DH is totally obtuse and wouldn't know if someone was flirting with him until she bared her arse and said "take me, sex puppy".

lol hunker!

santabebee my dd was born on 4th October last year. I have a regular 28 day cycle-she was conceived on the 14th january and born at 39 and 5 days gestation.
I so hope that you are wrong about this xxx

Your imagination must be working overtime at the moment, I really feel for you.

I agree with the others that to conclude that the child is your dhs is a big leap. Maybe, just maybe he did have a crush or harbour some kind of illicit feelings for this woman at some point in the past which were unreciprocated or not acted upon - this would explain his evasiveness, your prior hunches/niggles and would totally explain his reaction to your indirect accusation that he has in fact fathered a child by her. Your comments may have lead him to believe that you are aware of his feelings and made him feel guilty.

As for the picture, IME a 8-10 week old baby always looks different in every picture - their features are always moving. I bet if you were to show it to us all together with a pic of your ds at the same age we wouldn't agree on any resemblance.

What a mare for you though - hope you get some answers soon.

I'm with Hunker. And my DH is similarly obtuse.

I honestly would think "that's funny, that baby looks like mine". Well, except that I think all tiny babies look the same, anyway.

Has your DH been unfaithful before? Or have previous partners of yours strayed? Have friends of yours been going through this sort of thing lately, which would make you more suspicious?

Hunker has just summed up what I was thinking

BUT, NQC, she has always had a funny feeling about this woman and didnt really feel comfortable about her while her DH was working with her. She said that alarm bells were ringing when she heard her name.

The woman moved away and it was all better.

I will be honest and say that I do fear the worst............

Hope you are OK.

collision, I fear you're right.

I'm just trying, hard, to see how this could not be true. If this really is santababee's DH's son, how many people's lives will be ruined?

Quite a few people's lives will be ruined if she gets very suspicious, but is wrong.

(My DH has had colleagues who were a bit funny about him, in ways I found a bit embarassing. Including one who gave him a personal "goodbye" card. Helpfully, he's always been completely oblivious, and swears I'm imagining it all. I've never thought he was doing anything with any of them, though.)

Could there be a family link that you are unaware of? ie could your dh and this woman be cousins or something? I walked into the living room one day where dh was watching tv and I said "Is that girl being interviewed related to you?" He said that actually she was as her grandfather or something was a sibling or cousin to his grandfather. I knew there had to be a connection as the girl looked so similar to SIL. I also know of an instance where someone said to a member of my family that he had to be related to someone living about 80 miles away as they were so similar looking and he was right, though the relationship was several generations removed. My nephew also has a lookalike from Victorian or something days and if you showed anyone who knew my nephew the photo, they would swear hand on heart that it was my nephew dressed up in old clothing and a doctored-to-look-old-photo, but it isn't and we don't know who it is, except someone whose photo is amongst our old family photos. So...I think what I'm trying to say is that funny things do happen and sometimes there is a good reason for them and sometimes it's a pure coincidence (or a very tenuous family link). Please try to step back from suspicion and wait and see. I hope it all works out as well as it possibly can for you.

Hang on, why do you fear it may be true? Santa's dh is acting a bit weird: we all act a bit weird from time to time. She suspects he might have had feelings for someone some time ago: doesn't mean he did anything, and doesn't quantify those feelings. And the picture of the baby might look like their ds but it's one picture and as people have said, really pretty unreliable - fair enough if Santa had met the baby, but one digital photo?

Santa I'm not saying you're wrong to be reacting the way you have done, but come on folks, there is bound to be a lot that we can't know here (what S's dh was thinking when he last spoke to her for a start) so it's a phenomenal leap from a few possibly random events or non-events to 'he's cheated on his wife and fathered a child'...

you said you thought it was odd that your dh hadn't mentioned that this woman had had a baby but would he have known about it if she had moved away?

I hope your wrong
poor you

Santabeebee, are you ok?
No-one thinks it wouldn't matter, it would be a huge and dreadful thing.
But the thing that stands out from your post is what a good DH and father he is and how good your relationship is. This isn't one of those where a woman has doubts about a man who has been behaving badly all over the shop.
The knowledge of a child would be very hard to think about, but from what you say in your op, I thnk your DH loves you.

That doesn't mean that he may not have made a mistake at some time. I hope he hasn't, and that you and your children can feel safe in a happy family.

Many things could be going on, or not going on here - but not all mistakes have to end in more destruction if there is some real love to be salvaged.

Just worried about what is hapening for you now....

Has he got home yet santa?

It would be the end for me and dh if i found he had fathered another child i can tell you.

I think your best bet is to take time to gather your evidence without him knmowing.

hope your o.k

Personally, I think you need to confront him, but only with your concerns not accusations IYSWIM, it is so close to x/mas you need to know one way or another, but be prepared to do some serious groveling if you are proved wrong, because it is a very big deal and be devestating for your marriage.

Think about what you want to say very carefully.

Santabeebee this must be horrible for you, I think we all know how it feels to suddenly be questioning everything that you have known for God knows how many years, and sometimes we get it in our heads so much that something has happened that suddenly every other solution seams impossible. I don't think anything is going to stop you agonising about this until you speak with your DH fully and frankly.

I hope that you are OK and that your DH has come home and you have been able to talk.

My ds was born with black hair and the darkest blue eyes imaginable. He is now fair and green eyed.
I think you are making the most extraordinary leap here to imagine this is your husband's child.

He came home very late and mentioned xmas shopping and bad m'way traffic and that his phone battery had died. I've decided to post this tonight to draw a small line under what's happened today. Although I have lovely friends and family I can't turn to them right now.

I am a stupid, stupid cow I concocted some story that I'd received an anonymous email saying that my dh had been a naughty boy followed by the photo of the baby and dh admitted to having had several "encounters" with this woman but swears that there is no way the baby is his. Right now the only thing on my mind is getting away from dh with ds and frankly the only thing keeping me going, I am ashamed to say, is the fact that I cannot wait to tell this womans husband (who may or may not already know) I feel it's a little bit selfish for me to have to go through all of this alone right now, they may as well come and join the party.
Pruni I hate to say it but part of me thinks you were right and perhaps I should have stayed ignorant but I don't think I could have gone on for very long at all feeling the way I have done today.
So much for me thinking he was a lovely husband.
I'm getting quite suspicious now and wondering if this was an attempt to arouse some kind of doubt from the woman in question - I'm even starting to wonder if she's still with her husband.
Hopefully I'll think a little clearer away from everything.
I appreciate the time that you have taken to try to reassure and calm me down. Thanks so much.
x

oh sh*t. i'm sorry santababee.

thats awful.