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Original poster

I have just had the shock of my life and really don't know what to do.

249 replies

santababee · 21/12/2005 15:36

I will preface this by saying I have only posted once using this name, I am a regular poster,Iknow, I know, we read it all the time don't we? Me included.
I am in a state ATM.

Dh had a colleague who he was very close to(for osme reason even hearing her voice made a small alarm bell ring. He would go for coffee with her regularly, advised her about various things to do with her wedding (we had gotten married a year before)just general stuff like that.
She's never met me or addressed anything to me directly but also bought ds some things when he was small. I do remember reading something which had "I miss you alot" on a card or something from her, anyway. She was tranferred to another office hundreds of miles away about 18 months and I found out from an acquantance that she's had a baby. I thought it odd that my dh never mentioned it as he tends to drop into conversation anyone who is having a baby close to us and also quite relieved thather time would be taken up elsewhere!
I was being nosey and asked the acquantance a few bits about her baby wanting to send a few gifts for her from me rather than dh IYKWIM, kind of silly I know but I wanted to gain a bit of control (does that make sence?)

She e mailed a photo of this lady's baby and I nearly fell off my chair. The baby is so like my son that at first I thought it was a joke or at best a mistake. Her baby is the double of my husband.

I have sat here opening and shutting the photo in disbelief. I am talking myself out of being stupid ,then comparing photos of my ds. I've been doing this for a couple of hours even leaving my ds with my neighbour as I can' think straight, type properly or do much really.

I know the colleagues e mail address and have resisted the urge to mail her a pic of my son with a question mark next to it. I'm imagining all sorts.

OP posts:
Pagan · 22/12/2005 14:28

Oh Santa - How crap!!! From a similar experience I would say that he's cornered and thinking all sorts of things to squirm out of the full blown truth because he's been found out and realises that the future is in the balance. The fact that he's used the word encounters is not forthcoming at all. The fact that he says the dates don't add up would indicate that encounters were full blown. Why else would he be adding up the dates?

I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now but do what you feel is right for yourself - your instincts have worked for you so far so they will do so again

littlemissbossy · 22/12/2005 14:32

santababee, no great advice from me, but just read through this thread and wanted to say how sorry I was for you x

sharklet · 22/12/2005 14:35

Hi SantaBeeBee

I am so sorry for how things have worked out. I've been in a similar situation with XF. However no kids were involved. I'd say honestly sometimes the whole truth hurts a lot more than knowing something happened and leaving it with that.

My advice is give yourself a breather - allow some time for you all to work out whats best. Don't nag him fr truths and details as doing so will hurt you more and make the future more difficult as you will both probably get hurt/angry/defensive.

People have posted advocating staying together and leaving. Make your own mind up - both can work - you know in your heart what you need, strive to get it, or find out what it is. It won't be easy and it will take time but this awful time is just a small phase in your life which will end. Its hard to see that when its happening, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope you and H work it out for which ever result amicably and as calmly as possible and I hope so much you manage to have a lovely Christmas. I broke up with XF of 7 years over Christmas and so I know how much harder it can be over that time.

Huge hugs, and know if you need some advice there are always folk lurking here to help.

xxxx

Eaney · 22/12/2005 15:30

I really think that the fact that you sussed this because you saw a striking resembelance between your child and this other woman suggests to me that it is more than a coincidence.

When you mentioned the dimple it reminded me of an episode of House where he was able to know that a childs parents were not the real parents cos the child had a dimple and neither parent had dimples. It seems that in order for a child to have a dimple one parent must also have a dimple. Don't know how accurate House is though.

Then again the womans husband could well have a dimple and could even look a bit like your husband. YOu know how some people always fall for the same type.

A friend of mine had a terrible experience similar to this than this involving not 1 but 2 children her husband of 7 years had not told her about. He had even got his family and friends to lie about it. They are now happy parents of 2 children and she has forgiven him. They seem happy so you know couples can get over the most horendous betrayal.

I wish you all the best.

fuzzywuzzy · 22/12/2005 15:45

Both my dd's have dimples, neither my dp nor I have dimples..... both dd's are deffo Dp's.

I am thinking of you also SantaBebe. I just don't know what to say.

IOTAnnenbaum · 22/12/2005 15:49

it wasn't dimples in 'House' , it was cleft chins, so you're ok fuzzywuzzy

NotQuiteCockney · 22/12/2005 15:54

DS2 has (so far) a cleft chin. Neither DH nor I has a cleft chin. DS2 is definately DH's.

I don't think there are facial characteristics that are this clear-cut, genetically. Maybe the old "two blue-eyed people can't have a brown-eyed child" thing?

uwilalalalalala · 22/12/2005 16:02

I do think, sadly for santa, that 2 fair haired fair skinned people can't have a dark skinned baby.

But then no one would have expected Michael Jackson's parents to have a white baby.

jane313 · 22/12/2005 16:12

My friend & her partner are pale and light haired but her 3rd child is not. She is definitely theirs cos she looks like them but her darker skin is most likely a throw back to a macedonian grandfather on her mothers side.

I feel very sorry for what you are going through santababee. It always seems so much worse when bad thigns happens at Christmas too. Hope you get some answers soon.

Pagan · 22/12/2005 16:14

Whether the child is his or not, he has already admitted to 'encounters' with this woman. It may be that the baby is a result of this but it's the betrayal that would be foremost in my mind. The child is innocent in all this.

LadyTophamInAChristmasHatt · 22/12/2005 16:33

Oh santa, I really hope this all turns out OK for you.

I hope christmas is still happy for you.

FestiveFrex · 22/12/2005 16:44

Before people go jumping to too many conclusions, just remember about recessive genes. Two blue-eyed, fair-skinned parents can have a "black" child if one of the parents had an ancestor with that colouring.

I always thought that DS1 was the spit of me as a baby (comparing him with baby pics of me) until I saw a baby pic of dh when I realised that DS1 didn't look like me at all. So sometimes our minds can play tricks on us and in some time Santa will look at that baby pic and wonder why she ever thought it looked like her ds.

peckarollover · 22/12/2005 16:46

Totally see what you mean festivefex but think its gone beyond baby pics now. Regardless of the baby's paternity Santas husband has had "encounters" with this woman

FestiveFrex · 22/12/2005 16:48

Yes, I realise that and obviously Santa has to deal with that as she sees fit. Was just trying to calm down the rush to sort out the child's paternity on the basis of its looks.

peckarollover · 22/12/2005 17:14

ah right, yes i agree !!

MrsBubsDeVere · 22/12/2005 17:26

Festivefex, talking about recessive jeans, my dad had blue eyes brown hair and mum had olive skin and black hair and one of my siblings has green eyes and red hair.

PruniStuffing · 22/12/2005 17:28

My mum's family are all fair skinned and mousy haired.

My mum is olive skinned and raven haired.

But she is a twin...Her twin brother is fair and mousy.

Apparently, there was Talk when she was born.

brusselsbeansprout · 22/12/2005 17:33

Santa, I am so, so sorry that this is happening. The bottom must feel like it has fallen out of your world but all I would say is to try not to do anything too quickly. If it is the right thing to do, it will still be the right thing in 2 or 3 weeks time. You have had a terrible shock and I really feel you need some time to think and weigh it all up to make sure you really do the best thing for you and ds. I hope you have lots of support in RL as well as on here.

FestiveFrex · 22/12/2005 17:35

Sort of b&ggers up Poirot's reasoning when deciding on a murderer, doesn't it? I remember his deciding one particular person couldn't be the child of someone else because they had blue eyes.

nickiey · 22/12/2005 19:14

I read you thread from the start, Im so sorry this is happening to you and your family-It is so cruel. Be strong.

NotQuiteCockney · 22/12/2005 19:14

Right. But two blue-eyed people really can't have a dark-eyed child. Blue eyes are recessive, so they can't "hide" another gene, iyswim. (Brown eyes are dominant, so a brown-eyed person can be "hiding" a blue-eyed gene, iyswim.)

If both parents are blue-eyed, the kid must be blue-eyed. (Similarly, two O-type parents have O-type kids. But an two A-type parents can have A-type kids or O-type kids.)

NotQuiteCockney · 22/12/2005 19:15

Skin colour is more complicated than eye colour, though. There are loads of genes involved. I don't know whether any of it is recessive, but two parents can definately produce a child darker (or lighter) than either of them, although the most likely colour would be something midway between the two parents' colours.

tamum · 22/12/2005 19:16

Sorry, but nooooo! We've had all this before. It's not a single gene so blue eyed parents can have brown eyed children. Really. It's not as common but perfectly possible

NotQuiteCockney · 22/12/2005 19:18

Oh, fair enough. Tamum knows more than I do about this.

(I hadn't known it was more than one gene. I was ignoring chimerism, out of general principle ...)

NotQuiteCockney · 22/12/2005 19:18

Hmm, that sounds like there are 72 threads out there where I know more than tamum, but I'm willing to give in, just this once ... not quite what I meant!