I have just had the shock of my life and really don't know what to do.

[santababee]

I will preface this by saying I have only posted once using this name, I am a regular poster,Iknow, I know, we read it all the time don't we? Me included.
I am in a state ATM.

Dh had a colleague who he was very close to(for osme reason even hearing her voice made a small alarm bell ring. He would go for coffee with her regularly, advised her about various things to do with her wedding (we had gotten married a year before)just general stuff like that.
She's never met me or addressed anything to me directly but also bought ds some things when he was small. I do remember reading something which had "I miss you alot" on a card or something from her, anyway. She was tranferred to another office hundreds of miles away about 18 months and I found out from an acquantance that she's had a baby. I thought it odd that my dh never mentioned it as he tends to drop into conversation anyone who is having a baby close to us and also quite relieved thather time would be taken up elsewhere!
I was being nosey and asked the acquantance a few bits about her baby wanting to send a few gifts for her from me rather than dh IYKWIM, kind of silly I know but I wanted to gain a bit of control (does that make sence?)

She e mailed a photo of this lady's baby and I nearly fell off my chair. The baby is so like my son that at first I thought it was a joke or at best a mistake. Her baby is the double of my husband.

I have sat here opening and shutting the photo in disbelief. I am talking myself out of being stupid ,then comparing photos of my ds. I've been doing this for a couple of hours even leaving my ds with my neighbour as I can' think straight, type properly or do much really.

I know the colleagues e mail address and have resisted the urge to mail her a pic of my son with a question mark next to it. I'm imagining all sorts.

Santa -

I have followed this thread from the start, and what I think is really bizarre is the possibility that the baby isn't his - it was only the likeness of him to your own ds that made you suspicious in the first place.

I think I would be like you, I would want to know. More of course with the deep hope that the baby ws not his, and then I would be able to look forward and to consider whether bridges could be built. But without the test I would never be certain, and there would always be the lingering possibility that she might turn round in x years time and say, yes, actually he is yours, and I want lots of backdated maintenance.
I think that only IF/WHEN the paternity were to confirm your H as the father will you be able to know how you feel and what you are going to do.

However, we all deal with these things in very different ways, and only you can know what is best for you.

My sympathies and all the stength I can muster and send you. You sound as if you are doing fantastically well, so good on you.

I think that you are not alone in your reaction - I have read countless times that when it comes to it, most women forgive infidelity and find a way through for their marriage.

It is men who are less likely to forgive their wives.

I'm glad that YOU'RE ok and have taken time to sort things out without rushing away from a situation which could have had bad financial effect for you.

We're here for you if you need us xx

just wanted to say i am well impressed santa by how you have handled this whole situation from your initial doubts to what's happening now. I hope things work out the way you want them to.

I suppose you should as yourself what would you do if the baby turns out to be his. Would that be too much to forgive?

Good luck whatever you do. I had a friend years ago who had a baby and the father demied paternity so she had a test done. When the results came back to say that there was a one in 10 million chance that the baby wasn't his he still denied he was the father. While she was pregnant he also told his family that the baby would be black (they were both white) such were the lengths he was prepared to go to to deny his paternity.

For paternity tests you can use:

paternity.forensic.gov.uk/

Results take 4-6 weeks and it costs about £200.

Hi Santabaybee, I have followed this thread with both immense curiosity and a feeling of dread in my stomach. First of all I want to wish you strength to get through christmas.. you will need lots of it. I know if it was me I would feel terribly hurt more than anything, and I also think it is very noble of you to even talk to your husband (cos I sure know I couldn't!!) I would feel so betrayed and want him nowhere near me. I wouldn't even care if the baby was his or not, the mere fact that he had 'encounters' with another woman would be enough for me to have his bags packed...so for that I admire you.
Also, the fact that the baby is so alike your husband, as others have said, most babies do look alike, but as a woman you have a gut instinct, go with it, although now you say you do not think the baby is his, as other have also said, a paternity test could clear that all up, but do you want to see this child? If you and your DH are going to try and work things out and work through this "rough patch" then you both need to be clear about what you want from it. Are you willing to have weekends with this other child, are you willing for your son to have a half brother? Are you willing for another child to call your husband 'daddy' knowing that you haven't carried and birthed that child? If the answer to all these are yes, then go for it. Patch you marriage up and make the most of a terriblr situation, you seem like a strong person to be even considering the possibility of a reunion. Also, to make this marriage work, you have to be 100% certain that you won't throw this affair/encounter up in your husbands face each and every time you have an arguement, wether the baby turns out to be his or not.

I hope you make the right decision and have the support you need to get through this xxxxxxxxx

Santa, I too have been following this thread and it has really stayed with me for the last couple of days. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It would almost have been easier if your H had been a crap husband & a b***d. But he wasn't and that's why this thread is so upsetting. This is not a black and white case.

Wishing you strength to get through this one way or another. Take care.

Been thinking of you over xmas santa, I found this thread as soon as I had a proper sit down at the PC without distraction.

I really hope christmas has been a happy time for you and you've been able to put this whole situation aside for a few days.

I also hope 2006 brings you the answers you need and a bright furure for you, DS and DH if this is what you want.

Hope your Xmas has been enjoyable in spite of all this.

One thing I think no-one has mentioned - what if she refuses a paternity test on the child? If there really is no chance he is the father she may find this request absolutely laughable and may refuse, as I'm sure she will have the right to as the mother, for her child to undergo any tests. Would that mean court orders, etc?

She may well refuse a paternity test on her son as she hasn't actually indicated that the child isn't her husband's. Probably the first step is to ask her who the father is. If she states that it is Santababee's dh's, then a paternity test is probably the way to go. If not, then presumably the question of the baby's parentage is no longer a problem and Santababee has to deal with the "encounters" issue alone.

How's it going, Santababee?

Well Christmas was tough but for another reason actually. We were all really poorly dh first then ds and finally me
It all started on Christmas eve. Luckily we were staying with my parents so we just extended the stay and they both looked after us which was such a luxury as all I wanted to do was sleep anyway.
I guess the one good thing to be said about the sickness is nobody twigged how bad things were between us (small mercies)
I'm at the stage now where I have decided I want and need answers but I'm not really sure how to go about it. I have toyed with the idea of e mailing or phoning the "other woman" (I even hate to type those words) to gain some clarity but given that I am wondering about the timing of this all I don't know if it would be wise
The trust has been broken with dh and I am second guessing everything he tells me at the moment which is still not forthcoming.
I'm trying to look forward to the New Year but feel a bit wobbly every now and then. My thanks to those of you who have been so marvellously supportive. I am doing my best to carry on as normal which at times feels like a bit of a burden (I feel like such a fraud!) so being able to come on here feels a bit like therapy!

Oh Santabee - bless you.

You didn't mention if Dh has been trying to 'make up' to you or has commented upon what happens to your relationship now - has he shown any remorse? I hope you get your answers and can work thru. You sound v brave for getting thru xmas i don't think i could of done that even if I had been ill - you have already shown much strength IMO. Well wishes for you...

Hi Santabeebee - was wondering how you were and what is happening.

You have been very very strong in this, I am impressed.

I completely understand the need to clear up answers, but I would steer clear of contacting 'other woman'. As someone said lower down, the dignity is all yours at the moment. If you start contacting her for answers, you are, in effect, saying to her 'my H won't tell me the truth, we don't have a strong enough relationship for me to believe his answers', thereby diluting the smart she is inevitably feeling having seen your H turn away from her and run back to you with renewed 'good husband and father' energy.

Let her stew!

It must all be terrible for you still - hope you are feeling a bit more chipper physically.

SantaBeeBee--wanted to send you some support. I have read over the thread and just can't believe it. How horrible for you.

Thank you BBE, Sunchowder and Blu.
H really is trying so hard which does different things to me me.
I go from thinking hmm, he really must mean it to thinking oh it's just the guilt it'll wear off when he's bored.
I suppose it's natural to be so wobbly. I'm thinking of asking him to move out and to date me all over again. It's the only way I think he'll prove to me that he really wants to be with me.

I should think it's VERY natural to feel wobbly in these circumstances.
I think a process of starting again could be very valuable. But he can't just declare himself bankrupt and start again leaving his debts behind him - he needs to be able to talk to you about why he did it...whether he still has the inclination to wander, or whether he still feels whatever whatever lapse in his marriage that enabled him to betray you and put your marriage in jeopardy.

It seems from reading the thread after thread about men having affairs, that most only stop when found out. I do think that it is a good sign that your h stopped it before you found out, and had started paying more attention to his marriage of his own accord.

Of course, that doesn't make it 'all right', not at all, and you have every right and every cause to feel raw and ferocious and wobbly.

Hey Santa - just saying hi and was wondering how you were.

I think I would need answers too. But shouldn't the answers come from your DH? He must know when he was with her, and so whether there is any chance at all that the baby is his. He should tell you - and when you can feel sure that what he has told you is true, maybe you could then move on with your life together?

Still watching this thread and thinking of you a lot santa - So glad you got through Christmas ok - you are so strong and amazing - your DS is a blessed little boy - How is it all going? [[[[hugs]]]]]

SAntababee? How are you? Ate you posting under a NY name?

Bump again - noticed a Happybebe on another thread and asked if she's the same person

May be - I hope so, it would be nice to think that she was "happy"!!