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Original poster

I have just had the shock of my life and really don't know what to do.

249 replies

santababee · 21/12/2005 15:36

I will preface this by saying I have only posted once using this name, I am a regular poster,Iknow, I know, we read it all the time don't we? Me included.
I am in a state ATM.

Dh had a colleague who he was very close to(for osme reason even hearing her voice made a small alarm bell ring. He would go for coffee with her regularly, advised her about various things to do with her wedding (we had gotten married a year before)just general stuff like that.
She's never met me or addressed anything to me directly but also bought ds some things when he was small. I do remember reading something which had "I miss you alot" on a card or something from her, anyway. She was tranferred to another office hundreds of miles away about 18 months and I found out from an acquantance that she's had a baby. I thought it odd that my dh never mentioned it as he tends to drop into conversation anyone who is having a baby close to us and also quite relieved thather time would be taken up elsewhere!
I was being nosey and asked the acquantance a few bits about her baby wanting to send a few gifts for her from me rather than dh IYKWIM, kind of silly I know but I wanted to gain a bit of control (does that make sence?)

She e mailed a photo of this lady's baby and I nearly fell off my chair. The baby is so like my son that at first I thought it was a joke or at best a mistake. Her baby is the double of my husband.

I have sat here opening and shutting the photo in disbelief. I am talking myself out of being stupid ,then comparing photos of my ds. I've been doing this for a couple of hours even leaving my ds with my neighbour as I can' think straight, type properly or do much really.

I know the colleagues e mail address and have resisted the urge to mail her a pic of my son with a question mark next to it. I'm imagining all sorts.

OP posts:
cranberryjampots · 21/12/2005 23:55

not sure if you'd be able to do this but can you get the birth records checked for fathers name? I know parents can lie but if your dh is named then really he wont be able to wriggle out of it.

FWIW though I hope this is one of those things that although causes immense worry at the time turns out to be a mild over-reaction.

Please keep us posted and I seriously have my fingers crossed for you x

sevensuzyswongsaswimming · 21/12/2005 23:56

so sorry this has happened to you

I urge you to read Blustocking's post again. And again.

She speaks an awful lot of sense

cranberryjampots · 21/12/2005 23:56

sorry santa - i was typing my post as you posted.

It still doesnt mean that the baby is his though although I dont suppose that really makes things better xx

BluStocking · 21/12/2005 23:57

sbb - I'm so very very sorry. This is a horrible discovery. Look, the way you have been feeling today is horrible - and at least he didn't try to deny it, and leave you with that feeling for any longer.
Where is he now? How was he after he told you?

Oh, poor you, this is terrible.

6beetrootsAmilking · 21/12/2005 23:59

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Pixiefish · 22/12/2005 00:06

Poor you, take time to sort you and ds out. Don't rush anything. Remember that if you leave the marital home it could get difficult for you to get him out later. I know you're not thinking of this at the moment but you and ds need somewhere to live. Ask him to leave if that's what you want

ShortAndStripySolsticer · 22/12/2005 00:19

You aren't stupid, please, please don't berate yourself, you've done nothing wrong! You acted on instinct and it seems, albeit sadly, that your intuition has to some extent been right;
I'm sure the extent to which will become clearer in time but try not to make any hasty decisions in the meantime (in practical terms, Pixie's right about the marital home, if you feel a need for space it would be respectful of him to provide it given the circumstances).

You have had an awful shock and my thoughts are with you and your DS xx

NotQuiteCockney · 22/12/2005 07:19

I guess it's possible that she had (another) affair with a man who was similar-looking to your DH?

If she was married when she had the baby, the baby is legally her husband's, from what I know. So there's no way another man's name could be on the birth certificate.

PruniStuffing · 22/12/2005 07:21

Oh NO! Oh I'm so so sorry. You must be in complete shock.
Just awful. xxxx

LadyTophamInAChristmasHatt · 22/12/2005 07:58

Just read this thread from start to finish.
I'm sorry this is happening santa, I hope you have some answers soon.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 22/12/2005 08:01

Oh Lord, What to do, Well first off, DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH

Sit back and listen to what he has to say, and then make your decisions.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

WickedWinterWitch · 22/12/2005 08:24

Oh poor you, this is awful. Sorry I haven't any advice though.

tigermoth · 22/12/2005 08:46

oh, how horrible for you. I definitely think you must take things slowly. Don't let your husband rush you into forgiving him or making any decisions.

Keep listening to your powerful intuition as well. Lots of things must have been working in your subconscious to give you those suspicians -wait and see where you thoughts take you.

There is every hope that once you feel less shocked, your intuition will also help you 'know' if your husband truly loves you now and is committed to staying with you. I think blustocking speaks lots of sense.

I think you are right to wonder if this other woman actively wanted to reveal something to you. I can well understand why you feel like facing her husband and getting the story from their side. I think I'd feel like that too, having guessed what you've guessed already.

Hold onto that thought, as you have just grabbed control of the situation and this is a way of staying in the driving seat. I think though, it is wise to understand that although you can do this, you do not have to do this right now.

I don't know what more to say - thinking of you.

6beetrootsAmilking · 22/12/2005 08:55

This reply has been deleted

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morningpaper · 22/12/2005 08:55

santa I'm so so sorry, we are ALL thinking of you today xx

uwilalalalalala · 22/12/2005 08:59

So sorry, santa. This is a tough thing to have to deal with. Even if an encounter just means he kissed her, it is still very damaging to a relationship.

Please remember that whatever he did, it is he who did it, and not you.

vitomum · 22/12/2005 09:03

Sorry SB that it has turned out this was. You must have strong instincts. You will be able to put these to good use in the times ahead as you work out what do so. Please do not feal you are stupid. nothing could be further from the truth. you are an intuitive woman with the courage to act on this.

SpringCrimboTurkey · 22/12/2005 09:03

Santa, wasfollowing thislast night but battery died just as i was about to post. So sorry that your fears seem to have been confirmed.
Has he elaborated on the encounters ? As in, has he just said encounters or has he told you exactly what he means by that ? It couldbe that there have been situation where something could have happened but he has stopped it or maybeI am clutching at straws for you

Pagan · 22/12/2005 09:26

Santa had been thinking about you last night and just caught up on this thread. You poor poor thing. Take it easy and be strong. Don't do anything rash and listen to your instincts.

It may well be that this other woman is trying to make/keep links going. It may well be that she has split from her DH and that's the reason she's trying to keep links. It may be total coincidence. Try to keep a clear mind and we'll all be thinking about you

DanceOfThePeachyPlumFairy · 22/12/2005 10:00

Only just seen this thread, but really sorry that you are going through this Santa.

I hope you and your son get some love and attention from your parents this christmas, and that you get the answers you need (and that i would need too).

thoughts, hugs and Christmas wishes to you and yours

XXX

Bugsy2 · 22/12/2005 10:18

Santababee, you did the right thing. You were not stupid at all.
I am so very, very sorry that this has happened to you.
Don't make any rash decisions, take your time and if you can't talk to real life friends, remember there are lots of us on here who can listen and offer support.
So sad for you.

BluStocking · 22/12/2005 10:44

Santabeebee, how are you this morning?

yes, just to be absolutely clear, did your DH specify what 'encounters' really meant?

I was thinking about you this morning, and how many times in my life things would have been better in the long run if I had realised that forgiveness - or forbearance - are stronger than vengeance, but how the in slipstream of shock and betrayal you (me!) are in the frame of mind least able to consider that.

TRy to listen. if he is truly prepared to be sorry, truly prepared to learn from a disastrous mistake, you may be the stronger family for fighting for him.

You have done nothing wrong, and you certainly are not stupid. you are perceptive and sensitive, and your insticts over this show that you do know him well. You will know if he is worth fighting for from now on. I know, you shouldn't have to fight, he should be fighting to keep YOU - and if he means to work for a future, he will.

If he is not prepared to do that, then you will know you ARE better without him#

Good luck - but whatever is going on, I am so sory that this has happened. You didn't deserve it.

DanceOfThePeachyPlumFairy · 22/12/2005 10:59

Blu, excellent advice.

magnolianMistletoe · 22/12/2005 11:02

Have only just read this thread and wanted to send huge {{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

ellasmum1 · 22/12/2005 11:21

Sorry but nobody should ever put up with cheating/lying.If i had children i may stay if i truly believed he was sorry but i know a big piece of my self worth/esteem wd be sacrificed.The relationship can never be the same.