I have just had the shock of my life and really don't know what to do.

[santababee]

I will preface this by saying I have only posted once using this name, I am a regular poster,Iknow, I know, we read it all the time don't we? Me included.
I am in a state ATM.

Dh had a colleague who he was very close to(for osme reason even hearing her voice made a small alarm bell ring. He would go for coffee with her regularly, advised her about various things to do with her wedding (we had gotten married a year before)just general stuff like that.
She's never met me or addressed anything to me directly but also bought ds some things when he was small. I do remember reading something which had "I miss you alot" on a card or something from her, anyway. She was tranferred to another office hundreds of miles away about 18 months and I found out from an acquantance that she's had a baby. I thought it odd that my dh never mentioned it as he tends to drop into conversation anyone who is having a baby close to us and also quite relieved thather time would be taken up elsewhere!
I was being nosey and asked the acquantance a few bits about her baby wanting to send a few gifts for her from me rather than dh IYKWIM, kind of silly I know but I wanted to gain a bit of control (does that make sence?)

She e mailed a photo of this lady's baby and I nearly fell off my chair. The baby is so like my son that at first I thought it was a joke or at best a mistake. Her baby is the double of my husband.

I have sat here opening and shutting the photo in disbelief. I am talking myself out of being stupid ,then comparing photos of my ds. I've been doing this for a couple of hours even leaving my ds with my neighbour as I can' think straight, type properly or do much really.

I know the colleagues e mail address and have resisted the urge to mail her a pic of my son with a question mark next to it. I'm imagining all sorts.

ellasmum, some people make genuine mistakes & many couples are able to make their marriage work again. Divorce should be a last option - it is painful, protracted, financially damaging and definitely not good for children in the short term. I've been there and done it and I still would rather have saved my marriage and forgiven my ex-H's affair than be divorced, even if I am happy now.

Have to agree with bugsy, Marraige is a huge thing to throw away especially when kids are involved. No one is excusing an affair (and the possibility of another baby) but people do get through these things and sometimes if they work hard enough it can be better than before.

God I am rambling sorry

Oh Santa - I don't know what to say except that I am so sorry that this has happened. You are NOT a "stupid cow" - far from it, so don't beat yourself up. This is easier said than done but try to think with your head rather than your heart, especially re leaving the family home. What was his attitude when he told you last night - was he ashamed, sorry for these encounters? Please think again about turning to your family friends for support. We are all here for you (please feel free to CAT me if that is any help) but you need those who are close to you at times like this. x

Santa, how are you today? Are you reading this? I hope you're ok. Let us know how you are if you feel up to it.

Hello everyone.
I'm not really sure what happened to me last night but this morning I do feel very strangely calm. I did lots of quiet screaming at my h so as not to wake ds. Last night was really odd I am at a loss to describe it in any other way. At least I don't feel quite so sick with the anticipation and horror of not knowing.

I'm not sure which poster said it was a quick confession(you're telling me! Perhaps that's why this all feels so unreal, it's all happened so fast)but I won't say how exactly but I backed him in a corner well and truly and said I had her number and I was going to call her husband (yes I know please don't critisize this it was a knee jerk reaction at best)
H won't elaborate on what he means by "encounter", what a crap way of putting it. he cried so much yesterday and kept repeating he couldn't tell me, he didn't want to say.
He swears blind that the baby cannot be his as the dates don't add up so from that I am assuming they did not have penetrative sex but I don't feel that I can believe anything he says right now and it's a possibility that they did but just not at that time. Not that that would be the worse thing right now.
I left it, not him, by saying that I wanted him to think about it all overnight as I would want a post-mortem this morning and needed to know everything I told him that he'd better be prepared to do a lot of honest talking today (he's coming back from his mum's soon where he is dropping off ds)
Thanks for all of this I still feel utterly ashamed and embarrassed that I don't feel I can tell any family(who were opposed to our relationship initially and I fear that they would really tear him to pieces. Christ I cannot believe I am already trying to defend him) or friends right now and feel very teary remembering only a few weeks ago it being mentioned what a lovely relationship we all had.
My head is racing with so many things I want to ask that I don't know where to start?
What was wrong with me that you had to look elsewhere?
Why was she so special?
Why should I ever trust him ever again around other women?
H is very friendly,handsome, dresses well,is articulate has an expensive sportscar,friends and acquantances used to joke about him being a flash moneybags which I used to chuckle about as it was about as far away from the real "H" as you can get. But now, it all makes me so sick I can't help feeling that I am now always goign to view other women who come into contact with him as being predatory.
I don't think I'll have the energy to post for a bit. I just want to get through Xmas for ds and me.
Txx

I also forgot to say that whilst I do appreciate what some of you are saying about ruining another family or lives. I really don't feel like being noble or dignified right now but agree I shouldn't do anything in the heat of the moment.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, kick him in the goolies and clean the toilet with his toothbrush then put it back, but do not beat yourself up about your part in this,you acted on a hunch and sadly you have opened Pandoras Box, slam the lid back down and think things through.

Sorry that sounds like a lecture.

Thinking of you.

i think he did the deed with th woman and is crapping himself - why is he asking about dates and adding them up if he didn't.

i wouldnt wait for the fallout - i would be in full posession of the facts - i would be at a solicitors finding out how well i could screw him - before making my decision to leave him or chuck him out or try to make things work.

right now he knows your on the edge - is he really going to admit the kid could be his?

I agree with custy if they didnt have penetrative sex why would matter a jot if the dates added up or not? Dates shouldnt come into it if he knows the deed was never done.

This is such a sad thread - I SO wanted it to be untrue

Take care of yourself

Oh s**t Custard and Pec! You know that did not even occur to me.

Santababee your reactions are quite justified and I think you are handling it all very well. You will come through this in one way or another - my SIL took her husband of 20 years back after he left for his mistress and they are stronger than ever now.
For ds's sake I would say to get through Xmas as normally as possible as kids pick up on so much. It will be hard and there will be lots of talking to do but you will reach the right decision in the end.
Thinking of you.

I'm obviously not on the ball ATM.

Oh santa, sending you many vibes of strength for the holidady. Good luck.

I'm afraid that I agree. If they hadn't had sex, then he would be open and honest about what the "encounters" were. Also, the dates wouldn't be an issue.

So sad that your instincts have been proven right.

tbh if i were you - the "level" of encounter would make no difference. my argument would be that i didn't care if he screwed her or touched her up a bit whether it was just a bit of tongues or oral sex - makes no mind to me, its a betrayal of trust and everything we stand for.

he can't win that argument - hes screwed

and then i would tell him that he'd better get his facts straight becuase hes got to work out wether he has to pay child support for two or three kids.

custardo is spot on!

found out in june my husband had had an affair.Shocked and tore my world apart.

He might not want to admit all at the moment because he will feel that will make things worse and you are still angry.Don't judge him on that at the moment because it is normal.He may be ready to be honest soon.
From your posts it sounds like you are willing to forgive him and that you love him very much.

He loves you and doesen't want to lose you.
You have done nothing wrong.
she is not special men don't choose to have affairs with peple they think are special.
You can salvage this if that is what you both want (It dosen't mean you are a mug or week)
What you are feeling is totally normal.When I found out about my dh he made my skin crawl and first reation was to get rid.We are now 6 months on and stronger than ever and are together.CAT me if you want i am about all afternoon and on messenger.

I've been thinking about this thread all day and wanting to cry. I'm so mad on your behalf.

So sorry you are having to go through this Santabebee.

Have changed my name for this but wanted to let you know I have been through a similar situation with my DH (but without another woman's baby involved). I too acted on my instincts and not much else and backed him into a corner about it - don't feel guilty about it, sometimes it's the only way. My DH is also a lovely bloke, good looking, friendly, treats me and the children so well. The few people that know about it were absolutely bowled over with shock that DH of all people would do such a thing.

Anyway, I stayed with him. I realised that although I hated him for what he had done to me and the children, the thought of being without him and having to start my life all over again was too overwhelming. The main reason I stayed was because I did still love him, and whatever mistake he had made, at least he hadn't told me he no longer loved me and was leaving. He still treated me really well and said he loved me to bits, and cried his heart out at the thought of being without us. After a while we put it behind us as best we could, and now just over a year on, we are getting on fine. I am so glad I made the decision to stay.

The difficult parts are;
It does affect your self-confidence very badly.
Your head is a mess over the betrayal and your imagination runs wild about what he did.
You will never really trust him again. My DH doesn't go on nights out with work unless it's with partners, and only goes to the local pub very occasionally with my best mate's DH.
It's very difficult not to bring it up during a bad row.

I wouldn't have thought before it happened that I could ever get over something like this. But I have, mainly by not thinking about it very often at all. It would do my head in otherwise. But it has been worth it.
It has been really hard to post this, but I hoped it might give you another perspective to maybe help you think things through. Obviously your situation is different with regards to the questions around the baby.

HTH, and (((hugs))). I really hope you can work through this.

I know that, personally, even if DH had even just kissed another woman I would also find it impossible to get over the betrayal of trust. If you don't have that trust then life will just be awful for all of you. I am a great one for advocating working at a marriage and not playing the divorce card at the first sign of trouble (BTW I'm not saying that you are doing this Santa)but if the trust isn't there...

I hope you have managed to talk to him this morning ... if he has - as it sounds - been having unprotected sex with someone else, you might want to think about whether you should get screened - I had to do this when my first hubby had been doing this. But it put my mind at rest that there were no implications for my own health. Hope that doesn't sound too awful.

I have to say it was the same for me - my xh was just 'very good friends' and 'nothing happened' with another woman. You have to take the act itself out of the equation and just accept that it is their betrayal that you are dealing with, rather than the gory details of what they did. Don't go searching for all the answers as you will just get hurt and affairs are based on lies and betrayal so there is no point looking for the truth or reasons or the whys and wherefores.

Be very calm and look ahead here. Do not do anything that will limit your choices regarding your marriage or your and your children's futures. Or the future of the other baby (whether his or not) as the baby is totally innocent in all this.

Just get through Christmas, find out your rights and your options and see if by not pushing your dh into a corner he will have the decency to be open and honest with you and you will know where you stand.

Do not contact her or the husband. It will just demean you. You are the innocent party in all this and all the dignity currently belongs to you (crap english, but hope ykwim!!)

Wishing you strength and all the very best.

Santababee, I haven't posted on your thread before, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are having to deal with this. Your DH is sooooooo out of order.

What an awful situation, santababee.
I have no great advice, but I am really sorry you are going through all this.