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Original poster

I have just had the shock of my life and really don't know what to do.

249 replies

santababee · 21/12/2005 15:36

I will preface this by saying I have only posted once using this name, I am a regular poster,Iknow, I know, we read it all the time don't we? Me included.
I am in a state ATM.

Dh had a colleague who he was very close to(for osme reason even hearing her voice made a small alarm bell ring. He would go for coffee with her regularly, advised her about various things to do with her wedding (we had gotten married a year before)just general stuff like that.
She's never met me or addressed anything to me directly but also bought ds some things when he was small. I do remember reading something which had "I miss you alot" on a card or something from her, anyway. She was tranferred to another office hundreds of miles away about 18 months and I found out from an acquantance that she's had a baby. I thought it odd that my dh never mentioned it as he tends to drop into conversation anyone who is having a baby close to us and also quite relieved thather time would be taken up elsewhere!
I was being nosey and asked the acquantance a few bits about her baby wanting to send a few gifts for her from me rather than dh IYKWIM, kind of silly I know but I wanted to gain a bit of control (does that make sence?)

She e mailed a photo of this lady's baby and I nearly fell off my chair. The baby is so like my son that at first I thought it was a joke or at best a mistake. Her baby is the double of my husband.

I have sat here opening and shutting the photo in disbelief. I am talking myself out of being stupid ,then comparing photos of my ds. I've been doing this for a couple of hours even leaving my ds with my neighbour as I can' think straight, type properly or do much really.

I know the colleagues e mail address and have resisted the urge to mail her a pic of my son with a question mark next to it. I'm imagining all sorts.

OP posts:
Glitterygook · 21/12/2005 16:27

And was going to post exactly what Easy said - I'd just say to dh 'my God, if I didn't know better I'd think it was your baby!!' see how he reacts - but that's me, and my dh, and that's how I'd do it. You'd have to approach it however you think is best with your dh.

BluStocking · 21/12/2005 16:38

Santabeebee - I think if you're going to 'act natural' you probably need to drop into the conversation that ** told you that X had had a baby...and has sent you a piccie, and would he like to see it??

then see if he acts natural....and suggest you both send a present? I don't know - all v difficult. I hope this turns out to be one big co-incidence, but your reaction does sound like instinct rather than jealousy, iyswim, and I think that you need to explore it.

BluStocking · 21/12/2005 16:41

I'm not sure that the exact age of the baby will tell you all that much, unless you have access to her diary over the last 18 months, details of her cycle, date of the birth and exact length of gestation.
Even if you knew the birth date, as a married woman she was hardly likely to have had MrBeebee as a second birth partner, was she??

Socci · 21/12/2005 16:45

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BluStocking · 21/12/2005 16:53

I think as someone said, it might be wortyh putting some thought into how you would feel if your gut reaction is founded in truth.

What if it IS his - say he had had a brief fling (and it would have been after she was married), and she had moved 100's of miles away deliberatley to be out of each others way, he has not seen the baby, and is now desparate to mend the damage done to his co9nscience and your marriage, and is committed to being a loving faithful husbnad from now on. How would you feel?

How do you think your DH would take it if you looked him in the eye and said 'This child looks exactly like you. Is there a reason other than co-inceidence for that?'

In some ways i think it might be better to get it out in the open now, rather than stew with suspicion and detective stuff for days. Explain that you couldn't cope with the idea of having suspicions that you weren't sharing - that sharing is important to you, so you are being honest by asking?

6beetrootsAmilking · 21/12/2005 17:05

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vitomum · 21/12/2005 17:17

just wanted to add that maybe there is a 'connection' between DH and his colleague and this it what you have sensed when he has spoken of her previosuly. But that certainly does not mean they have done anything about it - partucularly as they are both happily married. i think it is possible to have connections / crushes / whatever on people even when in a happy relationship - it is a big step to go from that to acting on it though.

robin3 · 21/12/2005 17:26

It sounds to me like you have a great relationship and I wouldn't jump to conclusions. That said I'd get it off your chest asap. Make the joke of how similar the baby looks and you'll know from his reaction. I certainly woudn't contact the other lady.

Good luck.

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 21/12/2005 17:48

hmmm I'm not one for colleagues getting that friendly and I would have had the same alarm bells as you. I really don't like my dh going for drinks with females in his office and it might make me really unprogressive and all that but I just don't like it. I wouldn't do it and I don't want him to. He should be at home with his family not in a pub with another female. That might be the alarm bell that was ringing and not a sixth sense about a 'relationship' between them.

I don't think you can trust the photo. My ds2 when born was nothing like my husband. He actually looked chinese and if he hadn't been surgically attached to me I would have sworn he was switched at birth. I am blonde, fair, blue eyed, he was seriously dark, black eyes and looked like a chinese dumpling. 18 months on he is blonde, fair, blue eyed. They just change so much.

I would softly and quietly dig to make myself feel better but wouldn't confront at this stage. Might do what glitterygook suggested, a light hearted comment to gauge his reaction.

Mistletoo · 21/12/2005 17:54

sorry - haven't read all the posts but you seem to have made HUGE leap in logic here unless there's something else that has given you reason to suspect an affair?

Your dh seems to have been open about going for coffee with her - did you have suspicions then?

You could be right of course but the only way to find out is to confront your dh - he's the one you should be asking, not her.

Original poster
santababee · 21/12/2005 20:13

Spoke to dh on the phone (I know, I know) and mentioned I had got a photo and e mail and joked about a resemblance and made a light about it. We do tease each other like this anyway and quite out of character he got quite shirty and very defensivea asking mewhy I would get an e mail about her. He hasn't come home, he's always home when he's working locally at 6.30pm.he won't answer his mobile either.

I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions at all now. This strange overwheling stomach churning feeling that I can't shake off. I've had before when something awful happened and I just relax. My legs feel all shakey and weird too.

4th Ocotber was the baby's B'day.
So her baby must have been conceived around Jan/Feb then. Going to do some sums and check the calendar.
Can't believe this.

4th Ocotber was the baby's B'day.

OP posts:
6beetrootsAmilking · 21/12/2005 20:18

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merrycompo · 21/12/2005 20:18

This is awful. I'm so sorry. I hope that it is all a conincidence but i would go with your gut feeling that something is wrong and try and find out as much info as you can before confronting dh. Hopefully he'll be home soon with a reassuring hug

spod · 21/12/2005 20:19

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Original poster
santababee · 21/12/2005 20:20

No Merry I know he won't. I don't know how to exaplain it to anyone. I just know. I wish I could get drunk right now.

I really want to be wrong.

OP posts:
6beetrootsAmilking · 21/12/2005 20:21

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Original poster
santababee · 21/12/2005 20:22

Pretty sure it was about a year and a half ago. We got a new address card during the hot weather.

OP posts:
6beetrootsAmilking · 21/12/2005 20:24

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Pagan · 21/12/2005 20:35

Benefit of hindsight I know but it would have been better to mention to DH in person then you could have seen his reaction. However his reaction even on the phone sounds odd.

It may well be just coincidence but I agree with others on here that is seems more like your gut instinct rather than jealousy and from experience instincts and intuitions to send alarm bells.

Big hugs [hug emoticon] for you must be in a turmoil right now - I would be exactly the same. I hope you get it sorted out for better.

hermykne · 21/12/2005 20:35

santababe, my dd was born the 4th oct and concived between christmas and new year the previous yr, probably closer to new year, and she was 8 days late

SnowQueenVictoria · 21/12/2005 20:48

Oh dear santababee. Dont know what to say other than i hope you are wrong.

Have to say, both our two look like neither dp or i IMO but like DPs dad (the blue eyes and fair hair belong to neither of us but dps brother and sisters all have blue eyes). Although my Dad reckons DS is the spit of him too.

NotQuiteCockney · 21/12/2005 20:51

Weird, re: the dates. Both my boys were born in late September, and both were conceived after New Years'. Not much, though.

bsg · 21/12/2005 20:52

I posted earlier and I must say that when I read your first post I actually felt sick. I do hope there is nothing in this. If conception would have been between xmas and New year then surely he would have been with you. That is one positive thing.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 21/12/2005 20:55

Have been watching this since you posted, I am as an individual very intuitive, however I truly hope you are wrong.

Either way there is a little person in all of this, who needs to be considered.

morningpaper · 21/12/2005 20:56

So ... Why EXACTLY did the Colleague send you the picture? It's not something I would do unless asked?

But also... if the baby ISN'T WomanA's husbands, it seems unlikely that she would be emailing pics of the child to colleagues? You'd think she'd want to avoid arousing suspicion?

How did you find out the birthdate?