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Original poster

I have just had the shock of my life and really don't know what to do.

249 replies

santababee · 21/12/2005 15:36

I will preface this by saying I have only posted once using this name, I am a regular poster,Iknow, I know, we read it all the time don't we? Me included.
I am in a state ATM.

Dh had a colleague who he was very close to(for osme reason even hearing her voice made a small alarm bell ring. He would go for coffee with her regularly, advised her about various things to do with her wedding (we had gotten married a year before)just general stuff like that.
She's never met me or addressed anything to me directly but also bought ds some things when he was small. I do remember reading something which had "I miss you alot" on a card or something from her, anyway. She was tranferred to another office hundreds of miles away about 18 months and I found out from an acquantance that she's had a baby. I thought it odd that my dh never mentioned it as he tends to drop into conversation anyone who is having a baby close to us and also quite relieved thather time would be taken up elsewhere!
I was being nosey and asked the acquantance a few bits about her baby wanting to send a few gifts for her from me rather than dh IYKWIM, kind of silly I know but I wanted to gain a bit of control (does that make sence?)

She e mailed a photo of this lady's baby and I nearly fell off my chair. The baby is so like my son that at first I thought it was a joke or at best a mistake. Her baby is the double of my husband.

I have sat here opening and shutting the photo in disbelief. I am talking myself out of being stupid ,then comparing photos of my ds. I've been doing this for a couple of hours even leaving my ds with my neighbour as I can' think straight, type properly or do much really.

I know the colleagues e mail address and have resisted the urge to mail her a pic of my son with a question mark next to it. I'm imagining all sorts.

OP posts:
6beetrootsAmilking · 21/12/2005 20:58

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PruniStuffing · 21/12/2005 21:03

266 days is the average pregnancy, isn't it? You need to know if it was early or late.

Look, it's just as likely that your dh is bothered by you possibly thinking that he might have been playing away from home. But I ask again: do you really want to know the truth if it were the case that your dh, in a scenario that he obviously would have dealt with in your favour, had erred and fathered a child?

He is with you. It might be awfully hard to leave things be but the ramifications of not leaving things be, especially in the short term, ie right now, are huge.

Original poster
santababee · 21/12/2005 21:06

MP. Do you think it was premeditated and she wanted me to see it? I see what you are saying though.
I pretended that I wanted to get a personalised gift for her ds as a gift so asked the acquantance for the details.

He was with me all over the Xmas hols and new year though. Just one trip to London last Jan (late)

Dh is still not home.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 21/12/2005 21:07

I agree with Pruni - if I joked with DH that someone's child looked like him - especially someone he fancied - he would undoubtedly pick up that I was basically being a hysterical crazed jealous bint accusing him of fathering another woman's child and that would piss him off big time.

It's the kind of thing I WOULD do actually ...

Kylie03 · 21/12/2005 21:08

i'm so sorry this is happening to you, hopefully it will turn out to be just a coincedence. is his phone still switched off? ((((hugs)))) to you

Original poster
santababee · 21/12/2005 21:08

OMG Pruni I am really shocked that you are asking that question. I wouldn't want him anywhere near me or ds if it were the case.
I don't care if he's with me now. If he's fathered a child with someone else then everything we have has been a bloody lie and has been. I could not forgive that ever.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 21/12/2005 21:08

(You could ask whether she worked up to the birth or gave up work beforehand - that might give a clue as to whether the baby was early or not - or you could say wow he looked big for x weeks, was he late?)

6beetrootsAmilking · 21/12/2005 21:09

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morningpaper · 21/12/2005 21:10

Agree with Beety, do NOT act crazed. Difficult I know.

Original poster
santababee · 21/12/2005 21:12

I really must be crazy then, I'm getting a bit emotional as it seems to me (and I'll admit I am a little bit touchy right now) that everyone thinks it's not so bad if he did have a fling as he is with me and that's what counts?

Am I reading this right?

OP posts:
PruniStuffing · 21/12/2005 21:13

Fair enough Santa, I understand, but do take a step back if you can. It really might be nothing. And if it's something, I think the fact that he's with you could be important.

ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas · 21/12/2005 21:13

If you don't want to be with himif he has fathered this child, why don't you just come right out and ask him? What is there to lose?

Pixiefish · 21/12/2005 21:14

I think you need to formulate a plan in your head of what you're going to do iIF the baby IS his. I honestly don't think that you can think celarly at the moment. You need time to think. I do think that if you're this convinced it's his the only way you'll clear this in your mind is by asking him BUT remember- if the baby isn't his you may well be doing untold damage to your marriage. Take time to think rationally first before doing anything

hermykne · 21/12/2005 21:14

santabebee
late jan would make the baby nearly 4 wks early. going on mine and NQC dates, imo its not his.

morningpaper · 21/12/2005 21:15

NO if he DID have a fling then he needs to have his bollocks cut off with a nail file and fed to the ducks. But that might not be what happened.

(I found an empty packet of viagra in dh's briefcase last year - I was CONVINCED he was having an affair for several hours, I put together all the evidence, went through bank books etc - confronted him and he was v. embarassed and said it must have been there for about 2 years when we had a weekend away ... but I was CONVINCED until I confronted him. And then I realised that I was really being quite crazed. Thing are not always what they seem.)

morningpaper · 21/12/2005 21:16

Pixiefish good advice

PruniStuffing · 21/12/2005 21:16

Santa I do not think it's all right if he had an affair and fathered a child. But I think if he's done that (though my gut feeling fwiw is that it's a coincidence) and not mucked things up and hurt you and screwed up your family and ruined your life - I think that's worth something. Honestly, I do.

Feistybird · 21/12/2005 21:16

Santababee have just read the whole of this thread. I think what people are saying is that without more proof or more to go on, this could be a terrible mistake and have a dreadful affect on your marriage.

It just seems to me (and probably everyone else) that this photo apart, you have (had) a fantastic relationship with your dh.

I think everyone sympathises with your predicament, I do really.

OnceInRoyalAlbertsCity · 21/12/2005 21:17

No, If I were you and DH turned out to be the father I would also leave him. I agree with you about not being able to live a lie and I would never be able to forgive, much less forget!

bsg · 21/12/2005 21:17

I certainly do not think it is ok to have an affiar and especially not to fether a child with another woman. I think most people are trying to keep things positive for you. Until you have any concrete proof you are driving yourself crazy with what if's. Just wait until he comes home. Show him the photo and see what happens. You can't just start accusing because if you are wrong the poor guy won't know what has hit him. Do you know that something actually happened between them before she left?

Pixiefish · 21/12/2005 21:19

I know that if I accused dh of an affair he would be devastated and things would never be the same again. He believes that without trust we have nothing.

I'd think carefully before accusing him of anything in the heat of the moment or when you're upset.

Try to calm down and think- don't confront him tonight

tortoiseshell · 21/12/2005 21:19

Please don't jump to conclusions though - our children both had black hair for the first 6 months of their life, and they are both ash blonde now, so much so that my mw couldn't believe it was the same boy when she saw ds at age 2. Photographs don't always represent true skin tones anyway, and babies have different skin tones from adults in any case.

Hope everything works out ok.

6beetrootsAmilking · 21/12/2005 21:20

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PruniStuffing · 21/12/2005 21:20

You know tortoiseshell is absolutely right - photos are really bad at representing skin tone.

morningpaper · 21/12/2005 21:21

And if your DH DID have feelings for this woman, he might just been feeling angry/hurt at the fact that she has had a baby and moved on from their friendship. There are lots of good reasons he might be angry at your phonecall.

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