Think Before Second Child

[12DS]

I have two sons, one aged seven the other five. My instinct was that I was only capable of being a somewhat decent parent to one child, which I was while having a pretty decent quality of life.

My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed. It was a a mistake I regret daily. While I love my son, I am not able to cope with the demands. I hope people can learn from my experience and have the courage to listen to their instincts as I should have. I see friends with one child and their quality of life is so much better.

My point is trust your partner, if they say they don't want something, respect that. If you are the person being pressured, please stand up for yourself even if it means severe short term pain.

I wanted a second child. I was an only child growing up and as an adult I wish I had siblings.
I don’t regret having a second child for a moment. I have a daughter (eldest) and a son after her. My son is such an easy going lovely boy and I love the bones of my children.

They played together growing up and are good friends now. I’ve had my fair share of nightmares from them, fights, fallouts, slowness trying to get out the door. It’s hard work! I’ll be honest and say the teeenage dramas have been all from my daughter, if I hadn’t had my son I’d have thought I was a terrible parent.
I’m commenting to show a fair view for other readers thinking of having a second child.

parenting is hard especially in the early years. It gets easier an better evetually especially if you put the work in.

On the other hand children know and feel when their parents are feeling how you do which doesn't make for a great relationship later on.

Maybe get some therapy to work out your feelings (why can't you cope? are his demands because of SEN or illness or do yo have depression/anxiety) or are you just naturally selfish and lazy and prefer to do little for others and concentrate on yourself.

Also make sure you use condoms/have the snip if you absolutely don't want any more children. Good luck.

I have 3 and I look at couples with only two dc and think they have a comparatively easy life. I just get on with it and try to do the best I can. I bet people with four think my life is easier than theirs.

OP that is the most important thing regarding kids. Both partners need to be on the same page. Wanting kids/not wanting kids, wanting 1/2/more......

Your poor child

@grey12 I completely agree. I see way too many people having a second child "so the first can have a sibling" and not because they really want a second child.

But that's probably because as parents of one child we are CONSTANTLY told we SHOULD be having another child as a sibling for our first. Societal pressure and expectations are immense

@12DS

You said - My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed.

What did you agree before you even had your first child? Terribly old fashioned, I know, but the Catholic Church in their pre-wedding lessons, they stress the importance on knowing each other's outlook before you get married. Of course life happens but reading your 'lobbied' comment, it made me feel sorry for your wife.

We both wanted a second child. We both adore dc2. We both mourn our easy, one child life. These things are rarely black and white, are they?

[quote LizzieMacQueen]@12DS

You said - My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed.

What did you agree before you even had your first child? Terribly old fashioned, I know, but the Catholic Church in their pre-wedding lessons, they stress the importance on knowing each other's outlook before you get married. Of course life happens but reading your 'lobbied' comment, it made me feel sorry for your wife. [/quote]
I suppose you only find out about coping skills after having the first child so any agreements prior are just theoretical. If the facts change so should our opinions.

I love having two. There's only an 18 month ago between mine. They are growing up together, enjoy the same things and entertain each other.

It's what we both wanted though. I agree it's important to be on the same page.

My point is trust your partner

That's a ridiculous statement though given there are two partners.

Some very good points. Just to be clear, I was often told " in a few years it will be fine". I'm just saying as a word of caution, sometimes it isn't, so trust you and your partners instincts. Its five years later. I very well might think differently in another five years. But that is a very long time.

I made a mistake so hopefully others can learn from it.

If you think two has worked out great, then I'm happy for you.

I honestly think having two children is easier than having one child. My boys are 7 and 4, they play together, keep each other company, I’m not needed on a playground as they have each other to play with, same with sift play. I couldn’t imagine having just 1.

@SoupDragon

My point is trust your partner

That's a ridiculous statement though given there are two partners.

What I mean is, people know their own minds. If they say they are unsure about something, dig deeper. Don't put parters under pressure. I should have stood up for myself, of course. My mistake. Hopefully someone might learn from this.

[quote LizzieMacQueen]@12DS

You said - My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed.

What did you agree before you even had your first child? Terribly old fashioned, I know, but the Catholic Church in their pre-wedding lessons, they stress the importance on knowing each other's outlook before you get married. Of course life happens but reading your 'lobbied' comment, it made me feel sorry for your wife. [/quote]
Not just the Catholic Church either. We had did a pre marriage course and discussed how many and when we would have children. Didn't quite stick to the agreement (agreed 3 and had 2), but it was a mutual decision to alter it. I would have had a 2rd if my husband had really wanted another child.

I think there is a bigger difference between 1 child and 2, than between 2 and 3. I wouldn't have been happy to have on only child and would have be very upset if my husband changed the agreement after marriage.

@Christmas1988

I honestly think having two children is easier than having one child. My boys are 7 and 4, they play together, keep each other company, I’m not needed on a playground as they have each other to play with, same with sift play. I couldn’t imagine having just 1.

I do too. Both us and our daughter had two children close together in age and all agree that it was a good decision. They are very close and best friends with each other. Once they get to a certain age they entertain themselves.

I decided to have a second child when first was 6 . He has special needs , my daughter hates him , it's all affected her badly and life is hard . I love him but I do regret the decision and wonder how life would have been on a different path . My dh didn't want two either and I only did it so dd had a sibling ! 🙈🙈

There was no explicit agreement to have more than one child. Surely if one partner discovers after having a child what their coping ability is, that is the best information on which they should base their opinion rather than any explicit or implied agreement. I made a mistake here, I know that allot of others have felt similar pressure. It's just a perspective, if it helps one person make a better decision or not to pressure a partner, that's a positive.

I think the age gap makes a big difference though and it's not just about having a sibling. The bigger the age gap, the less chance of having a sibling achieving what you want it to.

Both us and our daughter had less than 2 years between children and it works very well. Obviously nature doesn't always play ball and nothing to be done about that. Once I got to 5 years post the second child and had no desire to have another we basically shelved the whole idea and I'm happy that we did.

@12DS

There was no explicit agreement to have more than one child. Surely if one partner discovers after having a child what their coping ability is, that is the best information on which they should base their opinion rather than any explicit or implied agreement. I made a mistake here, I know that allot of others have felt similar pressure. It's just a perspective, if it helps one person make a better decision or not to pressure a partner, that's a positive.

What is it about having 2 children rather than 1 that makes it so difficult?

People shouldn’t have kids they don’t want if course but you can’t possibly know your/you first dc’s/your wife’s life would be any better if you’d stuck at one. Anything and everything could be different. What if you’d split because your wife wanted a bigger family and wanted to find a partner who also did? Or any other number of possible scenarios. Your ‘lifestyle’ may not be any better for any number of reasons. And that’s true for all the people your advising too. The fact is you wanted to have dc2 or else you wouldn’t have had them. You seem to want to be ducking o it of responsibility for this decision I’m afraid, by blaming your wife for persuading you.

I advise you reflect on how much better your lifestyle is by stopping at two and spend your effort loving and supporting you wife and kids.

Well we didn't have a lot of choice, having twins, but I'm very glad there are two of them, they've grown up together and like other posters have said, played together and kept each other company. I had to get involved less than friends who had just the one.

That said we never got used to one, it was obv always the two of them, so maybe that's harder going from one to two.

Have you thought about seeking professional help in order to process your feelings about having two children?

That might be an idea, rather than just accepting that you are going to “regret it daily”.

I absolutely agree with your overall point, as I thought I wanted two kids originally but I’ve decided I don’t want to have any more after one. Luckily for me I don’t have to have this discussion with a partner.

But I do feel like there must be some recourse for parents who regret having children, rather than just accepting that’s how you’re going to feel about your child forever. I hope you’re able to get to a place where you are more comfortable with the decisions you both made.