Think Before Second Child

[12DS]

I have two sons, one aged seven the other five. My instinct was that I was only capable of being a somewhat decent parent to one child, which I was while having a pretty decent quality of life.

My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed. It was a a mistake I regret daily. While I love my son, I am not able to cope with the demands. I hope people can learn from my experience and have the courage to listen to their instincts as I should have. I see friends with one child and their quality of life is so much better.

My point is trust your partner, if they say they don't want something, respect that. If you are the person being pressured, please stand up for yourself even if it means severe short term pain.

@newstart1234

People shouldn’t have kids they don’t want if course but you can’t possibly know your/you first dc’s/your wife’s life would be any better if you’d stuck at one. Anything and everything could be different. What if you’d split because your wife wanted a bigger family and wanted to find a partner who also did? Or any other number of possible scenarios. Your ‘lifestyle’ may not be any better for any number of reasons. And that’s true for all the people your advising too. The fact is you wanted to have dc2 or else you wouldn’t have had them. You seem to want to be ducking o it of responsibility for this decision I’m afraid, by blaming your wife for persuading you.

I advise you reflect on how much better your lifestyle is by stopping at two and spend your effort loving and supporting you wife and kids.

I am just saying I made a mistake, that is the exact opposite of ducking responsibility. However I did not make that mistake in a vacuum.

I have some questions OP

My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed.
Lobbied? Was it a PowerPoint presentation, flipcharts?

It was a a mistake I regret daily
There isn’t a single day you don’t regret the decision? Really? Every single day?

While I love my son, I am not able to cope with the demands.
What demands? Your 2nd son? Your wife? Your 1st son? All of them?

Does your wife know how you feel?

@hedgehogger1

Poor kid. You dislike him so much that you have to preach to strangers on the internet about it. I think you need to see a therapist before you fuck him up

Quite the opposite, I love him and he me, but I still regret the decision. Two different things.

Perhaps others in a similar situation can learn from my experience or not. It doesn't always work out for the best. It's just a personal perspective. I don't see why it should provoke such a reaction.

You had a child because you wanted one. Nearly everyone has doubts both ways (both having kids and not having them carried risk) and has to come down on one side or the other. You’re no different to the average person in lots of what you say. Everyone has bad days and wishes they didn’t have kids/so many at some point, it’s really not unusual. It’s unusual to regret it daily though.

Your advice is then if you want a second but your not 100% sure(like pretty much everyone), come down on the side of not having one?

Not very helpful advice but that’s just my opinion.

I’d echo what others have said about finding therapy or help in dealing with this.

@HappyMiddleChild

I have some questions OP

My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed.
Lobbied? Was it a PowerPoint presentation, flipcharts?

It was a a mistake I regret daily
There isn’t a single day you don’t regret the decision? Really? Every single day?

While I love my son, I am not able to cope with the demands.
What demands? Your 2nd son? Your wife? Your 1st son? All of them?

Does your wife know how you feel?

The lobbying point is facetious, in all marriages one partner tries to persuade another on a point. A new car, a move of house etc,

My regret is that I agreed too quickly after persistent persuasion. That's on me. Good judgment comes from learning from bad experience. Preferably that of others. That is what I'm trying to do.

I think there is a bigger difference between 1 child and 2, than between 2 and 3. I wouldn't have been happy to have on only child and would have be very upset if my husband changed the agreement after marriage.

How can you possibly know before having a child though that you definitely want more than one? I always thought I wanted 2 children, my Partner would have liked 3. We had our Son and while he has been the absolute dream baby, it was still different to what I expected. I also suffered a lot with post natal anxiety. I wasn't sure if I wanted a second after that. My Son also wasn't sure if he wanted a second and definitely didn't want 3 anymore.
As it goes we got pregnant accidentally when he was 5 months old and we are both happy about it. The baby hasn't been born yet but we do both agree it was the right choice but that it's definitely our last.

Having a baby, or a second/third baby in this case, isn't going back on an agreement like moving house or changing a job - as the child of one parent who didn't want a second, you should never have a child just because your wife/husband would be upset that you "backed out an agreement" to have them. It isn't in any way fair on the child

@12DS I apologise for the PowerPoint comment, it was uncalled for.

I just think your post is so sad. It feels like a self fulfilling prophecy. You thought you would regret it and therefore you do.

You are blessed with 2 sons that you love and who love you in return. It’s not all bad. Enjoy your boys

I agree with you OP and think you're getting quite a hard time on here. It's great that so many people were sure they wanted their second but the point you're making is that you weren't but did it anyway and now regret it.

The "poor child" comments are unnecessary - unless you're taking it out on him and making it obvious you regret having him, then it is okay to regret something and doesn't mean you don't love him and look after him exactly as you do your first.

I also don't get people that have a second so that their first has a sibling they can grow up close to - there's no guarantees. My Sister and I are 2 years apart, she made my life hell growing up and we have never been close. We talk/see each other more now than we used to but there's a lot of resentment and dislike there.

My Dad never wanted a second child and made it clear, I grew up knowing that I wasn't wanted by him and it felt awful as a child!

I absolutely agree with you that if both people aren't 100% on board, don't have another child just to keep the other one happy as it isn't fair on the child at all.

You are comparing your life to a hypothetical one though. Reality can’t compete with your ideal. I’m sorry but it’s not helpful advice because you don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t have a second child when you did. You may be posting online saying ‘my advice is to have a second child as close in age as possible to the first. I waited despite my wife wanting a second quite soon and now I have two dc 10 years apart who understandably have different needs which are complicate to balance and a wife who resents that I made her wait so long to have a second’.

I appreciate you giving your perspective and how you have found having two and think it takes a certain amount of courage to admit a mistake that big without shirking the responsibility. It does come across that you hold some resentment towards your partner which may be justified (and again warning against being pressured into such a big decision is helpful), but I would suggest that is something you can work on together to let it go so it doesn’t fester. I’ve seen many threads of people asking their experience on having another child (be it 2 or 3) and your experience is valid and helpful in informing how some may feel. Saying you wouldn’t know your life would be better is slightly disingenuous- you know financial impacts and childcare and other pressures and probably do have an idea of what life would be like.

Just bugger off then and send maintenance? It’s pretty easy for dads to do a disappearing act. And probably a nicer home environment without you there resenting your son and your wife for a decision you made together 5 years ago.

@12DS

There was no explicit agreement to have more than one child. Surely if one partner discovers after having a child what their coping ability is, that is the best information on which they should base their opinion rather than any explicit or implied agreement. I made a mistake here, I know that allot of others have felt similar pressure. It's just a perspective, if it helps one person make a better decision or not to pressure a partner, that's a positive.

I agree. We decided before marriage to have one child. We now have 4! It’s been the making of us.

If there’s a conflict, the one who doesn’t want another child should always ‘win’, for want of a better word. And be responsible for contraception. The one who wants more children can always leave the relationship and move on with someone who wants the same, without being made to feel guilty.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts it's very important to be in agreement and you have every right to feel the way you feel. Many women do override their partners views on this and think it won't matter once baby arrives when of course it does!

@WhatAWasteOfOranges

Just bugger off then and send maintenance? It’s pretty easy for dads to do a disappearing act. And probably a nicer home environment without you there resenting your son and your wife for a decision you made together 5 years ago.

I love my son and he benefits hugely by me being around as does my other son. I don't have a favourite but would rather have had one. I don't see why that means I should " bugger off". The point is people should listen to their doubts and trust their instincts. That's my lesson learnt.

Agree, if you don’t want a kid, don’t have one. Thanks for explaining that to us all 🙂

@Lou98

I agree with you OP and think you're getting quite a hard time on here. It's great that so many people were sure they wanted their second but the point you're making is that you weren't but did it anyway and now regret it.

The "poor child" comments are unnecessary - unless you're taking it out on him and making it obvious you regret having him, then it is okay to regret something and doesn't mean you don't love him and look after him exactly as you do your first.

I also don't get people that have a second so that their first has a sibling they can grow up close to - there's no guarantees. My Sister and I are 2 years apart, she made my life hell growing up and we have never been close. We talk/see each other more now than we used to but there's a lot of resentment and dislike there.

My Dad never wanted a second child and made it clear, I grew up knowing that I wasn't wanted by him and it felt awful as a child!

I absolutely agree with you that if both people aren't 100% on board, don't have another child just to keep the other one happy as it isn't fair on the child at all.

Agree with all this, and must say I'm surprised at some of the responses. We often see women on here whose husband doesn't want another and the advice overwhelming is that the person who doesn't want one trumps the one who does, it's not fair to put pressure on someone who doesn't want a child, or try to force them into have one. You seem to be getting the opposite responses here and I'm wondering if it's because you've said your wife and people have automatically assumed you are a man.

I think a lot of people have a happy family with one child but there is a huge amount of pressure to have two and only child families are looked down on - I don't know why those with two or more have to make comments that do have negative connotations but they do and have on this thread. This does eventually wear parents down and they feel that have to give their child a sibling.

There's nothing lesser about a family with one happy child and two happy parents. All families are different and as long as everyone is happy then what does it matter- siblings can be best friends or never speak you can't guarantee the relationship.

I'm sorry you've been pressured into something you felt deep down wasn't right for you and I wanted to say I understand what you're saying. I believe many others out there will as well. Two compared to one is very different and it's a lifelong commitment. I hope you feel better about things in the future.

I wasn't pressured just persuaded, I should have listened to my instincts. I had agency.

I may feel differently in the future but now it still feels like wrong decision. The point isn't about it being sad, it's just be careful about this decision. I know allot of people aren't and just assume it will all work out. Sometimes it doesn't

I agree. Everyone has their own limits and no one should agree to a child they don't really want or pressure someone to do that.

There is a difference between thorough and robust discussion, and pressure.
Though everyone suffers in this scenario, it is awful for the unwanted child most of all.
Op, I think it is good of you to share your story and clearly you and your wife have made mistakes to be in this position but I really hope that you are finding the will to make sure your second child does not realise this is how you feel. All strength to you to achieve that, because if anything good can come of realising the life and child you have isn't what you want, through the choices of the two people involved, it would be that you gave that child every reason to believe and feel it was as wanted as it deserves to be.
Wishing you the determination to do that.

Fwiw I agree. We have one and I would dearly love another but DH wouldn't cope so we won't do it. It's not ideal but that's life, and we are happy none the less.

OP I hope you and your family can also be come to be happy with your imperfect situation.

I agree OP

One child here. I know my limits. I want to be a kind, calm parent - not a shouty, at the end of my tether parent so stopped at one. Thankfully both DH and I agreed on this.

There are other factors in my case too. I’m older, and had a rough pregnancy. I also know a couple of people who have had children with additional needs and I am realistic about my ability to cope with more than one child in such circumstances, so that was another factor in my choice to stick to one.

I think having a mentally & physically healthy mum is more important for my child than siblings which they may or may not get along with.

I don’t mean to be smug, but it does surprise me how often people go on to have second & third children then complain about how hard it is.

Oh and for full disclosure DH and I have 4 siblings between us and aren’t close to any of them

@12DS can you point out where he benefits from you being around?

A man who resents his existence doesn’t add any benefit to his life from where I’m standing.

How does your wife feel about this? I'll be honest and say I'd be very hurt if I were in her shoes

Have you had a vasectomy or are you using condoms?