Think Before Second Child

[12DS]

I have two sons, one aged seven the other five. My instinct was that I was only capable of being a somewhat decent parent to one child, which I was while having a pretty decent quality of life.

My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed. It was a a mistake I regret daily. While I love my son, I am not able to cope with the demands. I hope people can learn from my experience and have the courage to listen to their instincts as I should have. I see friends with one child and their quality of life is so much better.

My point is trust your partner, if they say they don't want something, respect that. If you are the person being pressured, please stand up for yourself even if it means severe short term pain.

I agree OP.

[quote RussianSpy101]@12DS can you point out where he benefits from you being around?

A man who resents his existence doesn’t add any benefit to his life from where I’m standing.[/quote]
Well he tells me he loves me and runs up to hug me when I collect him from school. I don't resent my life, I just regret a decision. Maybe people can benefit from this if they are persuading a reluctant partner.

@SoupDragon

My point is trust your partner

That's a ridiculous statement though given there are two partners.

Exactly, you didn’t trust her, did you? What you are really saying is ‘do what your husband tells you’

How does she feel? And your first child? Maybe they love their family of four, and it’s only you who feels like this. Your feelings and wishes are not more important than theirs. This read likes a horribly entitled, selfish and somewhat pathetic the-man-knows-best sob story aired to keep women from being equal partners in the decision to have children or not. I’m struggling to believe it’s real (except I’ve seen too much real life misogyny to be so naive)

We had 2 children 10 and 8, one of each and then I unexpectedly got pregnant again. I still had periods so had no idea I was pregnant. I found out at 17 weeks. It took 2 weeks to sink in, believe it. Then I felt it was too late for abortion. Life with third child was hard. All the things we thought we had left behind were back again like sleepless nights and nappies, struggling with money. All 3 children grown up now. Third child is so loving and caring and a true blessing to us. So glad we had our baby boo. We used to call him boo because he took us by suprise.

I suppose my view would be that that both parents need to be 100% behind the decision unless one partner is proposing to do the majority of childcare, which is not the case. When the" rights "of others to have additional children become lifetime obligations on others, that is an issue.

I suppose my view would be that that both parents need to be 100% behind the decision unless one partner is proposing to do the majority of childcare, which is not the case

But even if one persons agrees to do all the childcare, what if they die and leave the other parent alone? Or become disabled and unable to do the childcare?

I suppose my view would be that that both parents need to be 100% behind the decision unless one partner is proposing to do the majority of childcare, which is not the case

And also, the child will want a relationship with both parents- imagine saying “sorry kiddo, I’m not spending any time / giving you a bath / feeding you / taking you to the park etc because I didn’t want you and your mum agreed to do all the childcare”

I have one, my decision. I often found that mums with 2 had it a bit easier because they didn’t have to be the playmate of their kid ALL the time. I am one of multiple siblings and we used to entertain ourselves easily without having to call our parents to join the game.

But agree with you, if you want to stay at one or have 4, don’t feel forced to agree to something that you you don’t want. That doesn’t mean however that your partner should agree and stay put.

Have you always felt like this OP?

Do you work? and share childcare?
They are both school age so things surely should be easier than pre school.

It's interesting though because when you ha e one child you constantly have to entertain and be the one to play .. when other children go in your only will moan. Swings and roundabouts to everything OP!

@WhatAWasteOfOranges

Just bugger off then and send maintenance? It’s pretty easy for dads to do a disappearing act. And probably a nicer home environment without you there resenting your son and your wife for a decision you made together 5 years ago.

There's absolutely no need for comments like this. No need at all.

Hopefully their mother is capable of stepping into any breach left by you not being able to be a decent father to more than one child.

I think you're getting some backs up OP because you are mansplaining.

If you wrote "I regret having a second child, feet railroaded in to it, is this normal?" or "I feel so overwhelmed with two children and wish I'd stopped at one, I'm depressed" you may have got a different response. Instead you're coming across as rather pious or sanctimonious "I've erred and am offering up my wonderful advice". Your situation is unique to you so isn't really something others can follow.

@12DS

I have two sons, one aged seven the other five. My instinct was that I was only capable of being a somewhat decent parent to one child, which I was while having a pretty decent quality of life.

My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed. It was a a mistake I regret daily. While I love my son, I am not able to cope with the demands. I hope people can learn from my experience and have the courage to listen to their instincts as I should have. I see friends with one child and their quality of life is so much better.

My point is trust your partner, if they say they don't want something, respect that. If you are the person being pressured, please stand up for yourself even if it means severe short term pain.

I agree with you, I didn't want children but my partner did. We are at a cross road and then I ended up getting pregnant by accident, we decided to go ahead. We have lovely twins but I couldn't do it again. He would like another but I've said even if you ignore finances etc, my mental health couldn't take it and in all honesty I can be a selfish person. I try my best for my girls but I will admit that I look forward to their nap and bed times because it is just exhausting

I think the OPs post is so valid and a fair point, how many posts we read on her saying oh I want a 2nd my DH doesn’t though what shall I do… this is the reality of it. He’s not saying he doesn’t love his 2nd any less , just it’s blooming hard work. Which it is , and to consider before the other person in the relationship gives in to their partner and agrees to try for another.
Parenting is hard and splitting yourself is hard. It’s a fair post!!

I think op is making a valid point and is taking responsibility for where he's at. If this resonates for someone and helps them think things through, great.

I love DD but I don’t think I enjoy being a parent. Saying you think a decision to have a child was a mistake doesn’t make you a horrible or neglectful parent. You do have to work at it harder than people who actually enjoy it but the assumption that OP must be a horrible dad is really unfair.

@Rinatinabina I agree. This is the issue with parenthood and the drawbacks are sold as a fairy tale but the reality is its not a crime to say you dislike parenting some days. I also think given OP is male there's a lot of abrupt opinions here!

My partner is reluctant to have a second child but if he doesn’t come round I’m going to dump him and have my future child or children with someone else (or perhaps alone with a donor father). It’s not what I really want but I want a 2nd child more than I want to stay in the relationship. How would you have felt if your wife broke up with you rather than agree to never have another child OP? Sometimes that’s the choice.

I've got twins which definitely wasn't planned for.

I suppose I could have shoved one back up but 12 years in, I've probably left it a bit late.

If only you'd been around in 2009 with this sage advice.

I personally feel having children is hard no matter how many you have. Having two hasn't been that much harder than having one but maybe that's because my eldest is just harder work. But I think some stages are easier than others, projecting all of life's problems onto your youngest is not the answer. You need strategies to make the life you chose easier. But I agree parenting is bloody hard work!

Parenting a single child is hard as they get older. Mine go off and play for hours in their rooms or garden so I can sit and read a book or sip g+t in the garden with minimal interruptions but my nephew follows my db around constantly seeking attention. Only dc parenting is tough in a different way so you’re looking through rose tinted glasses imo.

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic

My partner is reluctant to have a second child but if he doesn’t come round I’m going to dump him and have my future child or children with someone else (or perhaps alone with a donor father). It’s not what I really want but I want a 2nd child more than I want to stay in the relationship. How would you have felt if your wife broke up with you rather than agree to never have another child OP? Sometimes that’s the choice.

I would have been glad to be rid of her if she had an attitude like that and felt sorry for the subsequent children and partner.

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic

My partner is reluctant to have a second child but if he doesn’t come round I’m going to dump him and have my future child or children with someone else (or perhaps alone with a donor father). It’s not what I really want but I want a 2nd child more than I want to stay in the relationship. How would you have felt if your wife broke up with you rather than agree to never have another child OP? Sometimes that’s the choice.

Giving ultimatums doesn't make for a happy marriage either though. You're essentially saying to your Partner it's either have a child with you that he isn't sure he wants (and may regret like the OP) or you're leaving him.

While having a second child may be a deal breaker for you and that's fair enough, it isn't fair to pressure a partner like that. If he then told you after you had the baby that he regretted it and wished you stuck at one - would you be on here calling him for everything?

If my Partner hadn't wanted a second I'd personally think it's better to prioritise a stable family with mum and dad for the child we have than to have my first child going between homes because I wanted a second child more than I wanted to make it work for them.
Obviously if you're not happy in your relationship I don't think you should stay in it for the sake of the kids because then everyone is miserable but when you choose to have a child with someone it's a big commitment that shouldn't then be so casually "well if he doesn't want a second I'll just dump him"

I think you’re imagining a much more callous conversation with my partner than actually happened/happens in reality. He told me he is not sure about a 2nd. I told him that having a second is hugely important to me and am not sure I will be able to give up on the idea and stay happily married to him if he is not open to having a 2nd. We talked about why this is important to both of us and agreed to talk about it again in around 6 months time. I am hoping that some of his fears about having a 2nd will have been addressed. On an anonymous internet forum I feel safe enough to admit I will leave him if he doesn’t agree to another child in the next couple of years.

You are trying to blame this on her. Whilst you could have said no, really. Yeah she may have pushed the issue. But still you could have said no.

And having 1 kid is def not easier per se. Trust me...
Its time for you to accept what is. You have made choices. Try to make the best with what you have. Kids will feel it when they aren't wanted....