Think Before Second Child

[12DS]

I have two sons, one aged seven the other five. My instinct was that I was only capable of being a somewhat decent parent to one child, which I was while having a pretty decent quality of life.

My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed. It was a a mistake I regret daily. While I love my son, I am not able to cope with the demands. I hope people can learn from my experience and have the courage to listen to their instincts as I should have. I see friends with one child and their quality of life is so much better.

My point is trust your partner, if they say they don't want something, respect that. If you are the person being pressured, please stand up for yourself even if it means severe short term pain.

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic but who are you putting first? Your existing child, or your own desire to have a second?

@gunnersgold

I decided to have a second child when first was 6 . He has special needs , my daughter hates him , it's all affected her badly and life is hard . I love him but I do regret the decision and wonder how life would have been on a different path . My dh didn't want two either and I only did it so dd had a sibling ! 🙈🙈

Why oh why are so many folk pressurised into having a second to provide a sibling? I'm an only myself , and can honestly say that I never missed having a brother or sister , it just wasn't something that arose. Please , if you go for a second do it because YOU want to , not for some mythical desire of your existing child

It’s not a casual thought. We planned a family with 2-3 kids and I was utterly blindsided by his confession that he’s not sure he wants a second. I feel totally betrayed. I’m hoping he comes round. He’s not said ´never’ to a second child, he’s said ´not now’ and ´I’m not sure when’. I am coping with this betrayal by planning what I will do if he ultimately lets me down. I have put a mental time limit on how long I will wait for him to come around. He doesn’t know about the time limit. He knows it’s very important to me to have another child. If he doesn’t come around I hope we will part as friends as co-parent amicably together.

You're right of course, in that no one should feel they have to have more children than they can happily cope with.

The other side of that is that you don't get to make that decision for your wife, only for yourself. It's a bit much to dismiss the suggestion that she might have decided to leave had you stuck at one as 'selfish'. She is entitled to her view as to what she wants out of life just as much as you are, and if she wanted more than one child to the extent that the relationship no longer worked for her, then it wouldn't have been selfish for her to own up to that and leave. Just honest.

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic but it’s not a “betrayal” and “letting you down” if he thought he wanted 2/3 kids before he was actually a parent and now realises he wants to stop at one.

I always assumed I’d have more than one child before I actually became a parent……

Some pretty harsh responses on here for a forum that has tonnes of posts about women regretting their children.

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic it isn't a betrayal - nobody knows how they will feel about being a parent until they've had one. My Son has been an absolute dream baby but it was still a lot harder than I thought it would be.

As PP said, it's about whether your existing child and having their mum and dad together (when it sounds like it's an otherwise good relationship aside from the 2nd child issue) or putting your desire for a second child (which may not happen anyway) first.

It sounded very casual in your first post

JammyCandy, You don’t get to decide if a stranger on the internet feels betrayed or not. You don’t have to understand my point of view, but you can’t tell me my feelings are wrong or that it’s not possible to feel how I do because you think my thought process is illogical. That’s a form of gaslighting.

I think you're getting a hard time here OP - I just wanted to say thank you for your post, which has made me stop and think. I'm suddenly DESPERATE for a second child and my DP has said he really really doesn't want one, and I've been thinking about how I can persuade him/show him it would be okay, when I think I need to focus on how I can put my dreams behind me. My DD and DH are more important than my hypothetical second child.

Goldbar you’ve put my viewpoint into words much more eloquently than I did.
OP I’l not trying to say you are wrong for feeling how you do. I’m just saying that people also have extremely strong feelings about having a second or subsequent child and so in some cases it’s not a case of the wife (or the partner who wants another child) just agreeing to stop at one, it’s a case of a stalemate that leads to the breakdown of the relationship.

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic

My partner is reluctant to have a second child but if he doesn’t come round I’m going to dump him and have my future child or children with someone else (or perhaps alone with a donor father). It’s not what I really want but I want a 2nd child more than I want to stay in the relationship. How would you have felt if your wife broke up with you rather than agree to never have another child OP? Sometimes that’s the choice.

Blimey, I feel so sorry for your existing child. Your willing to throw away your child's future with both parents for your own desire to have another baby. I'm not sure I've read anything so selfish before.

What would you do if you left your DH and then couldn't conceive? Would it all be worth it then?

I always said I only wanted one child and now that I have one my opinion hasnt changed. However I know plenty of people with 3 children or more who are as happy with their decision as mine.

@ATeddybearshortofaPicnic

It’s not a casual thought. We planned a family with 2-3 kids and I was utterly blindsided by his confession that he’s not sure he wants a second. I feel totally betrayed. I’m hoping he comes round. He’s not said ´never’ to a second child, he’s said ´not now’ and ´I’m not sure when’. I am coping with this betrayal by planning what I will do if he ultimately lets me down. I have put a mental time limit on how long I will wait for him to come around. He doesn’t know about the time limit. He knows it’s very important to me to have another child. If he doesn’t come around I hope we will part as friends as co-parent amicably together.

This isn't really betrayal or intentional. I think it becomes betrayal when you get to your stage and then the other person strings you along after saying maybe.... KNOWINGLY they do not want anymore kids. But in your case and others people may be unsure and others are sure they are happy with 1 DC

Purpleboy and if I stay until my fertility has gonr and then he leaves and has a baby with a younger women, would staying have been worth it then?

@12DS
This is how you feel now. It might change.

@JammyCandy

I agree OP

One child here. I know my limits. I want to be a kind, calm parent - not a shouty, at the end of my tether parent so stopped at one. Thankfully both DH and I agreed on this.

There are other factors in my case too. I’m older, and had a rough pregnancy. I also know a couple of people who have had children with additional needs and I am realistic about my ability to cope with more than one child in such circumstances, so that was another factor in my choice to stick to one.

I think having a mentally & physically healthy mum is more important for my child than siblings which they may or may not get along with.

I don’t mean to be smug, but it does surprise me how often people go on to have second & third children then complain about how hard it is.

Absolutely this! I think that if many people were honest, they have second children due to societal norms and pressure.

We resisted these (it was bloody hard as yes, single child families are judged and the constant questions about number two are draining) and only have one by choice. It totally works for us and we are a happy, solid little trio.

We also knew our limits as parents and quite honestly wanted a slightly easier and more comfortable life than some of our friends and family who have 2 or 3 kids and who don't half moan about how hard it is...you makes your choices!

Sorry life is hard for you right now, OP. I do hope things become easier as your children grow older.

[quote Etinoxaurus]@12DS
This is how you feel now. It might change.[/quote]
Of course, but respectfully, we could say that about most things.

It's five years later. Many people have a different experience to me, however I have spoken to a number of men who had initial misgivings and regret their decision still years later.

Your willing to throw away your child's future with both parents for your own desire to have another baby.

It's not really about 'throwing' this away though, is it? Having a second child is an all-or-nothing decision - there is no compromise. If you're the person who is forced to accept an outcome which goes against what you would have wanted, this could potentially undermine the relationship to the extent that there is no relationship left to 'throw away' - there is no 'future with both parents' for your child because the relationship has essentially become an unhappy one. There is no point staying in a relationship if actually you're never going to be able to move past your resentment in not having the family size you would have liked due to your partner's preferences. And this is often not something that people can think logically about or argue themselves into accepting - it's a deeply personal, emotional decision that some people just can't move on from.

You’re having a hard time on here, but I’m grateful for the perspective. My instinct is 1 but social pressure/ hormones are making me consider 2. Our life is nice, we can more or less cope with 1 and still enjoy life, and we can give a lot of ourselves to our child. I’m hesitant to mess that up without a good reason, and worried I’ll regret it if I do.

I think if you’d said you were a woman, the response here might have been more sympathetic.

As for regretting the decision, does that not depend on whether the alternatives were just to stick with one child and everything else stay the same, or to stick and have your partner leave you and have more dc with another man?

Honestly you just sound lazy , can’t cope with two children? Get a grip of yourself.

@cptartapp

Have you had a vasectomy or are you using condoms?

OP? Truthfully?

@MyDcAreMarvel

Honestly you just sound lazy , can’t cope with two children? Get a grip of yourself.

That's helpful

What a weird thread. And what MyDcAreMarvel said.
You’re whining about ‘the demands’, just suck it up and in a few years neither will want to do anything with you and you can have whatever it was back you seem to need. No idea how old you are but… grow up.

You’re getting such a hard time on here and I don’t think you deserve it.

You’re absolutely right in saying both parents should be 100% on board for having a baby and too many people feel pressured into a second (whether by a partner or society in general).

I really think you could do with speaking to a professional about your feelings though. Both for your sake and for your children .