Think Before Second Child

[12DS]

I have two sons, one aged seven the other five. My instinct was that I was only capable of being a somewhat decent parent to one child, which I was while having a pretty decent quality of life.

My wife lobbied for a second child and against my better judgment I agreed. It was a a mistake I regret daily. While I love my son, I am not able to cope with the demands. I hope people can learn from my experience and have the courage to listen to their instincts as I should have. I see friends with one child and their quality of life is so much better.

My point is trust your partner, if they say they don't want something, respect that. If you are the person being pressured, please stand up for yourself even if it means severe short term pain.

@Youhaveyourhandsfull

What a weird thread. And what MyDcAreMarvel said. You’re whining about ‘the demands’, just suck it up and in a few years neither will want to do anything with you and you can have whatever it was back you seem to need. No idea how old you are but… grow up.

I suppose the point is that people should be careful before having a second child. I don't really see the point of insulting me. If it's a "weird thread" just ignore it. Both my children like me allot as it happens. Why is this such a bad thing to advise others to be careful.

But you made the best decision you thought at that time, roughly 6 years ago. You made the best decision based on what you knew then. It’s natural and common to decide later that that was in hindsight the wrong decision. Circumstances change. I don’t know how your wife could have conceived your child without your agreement at that time, even if you’ve changed your mind now. If you accept that you decided to have a child based on your life 6 years ago, you can regain some control over your life/emotions/mental health now. Why did you decide to have a child? If you’d posted 6 years ago you’d have no doubt been told ‘don’t have a baby you don’t want, but don’t string along your wife who does want another child’. You probably knew this would lead to an extremely difficult situation within you marriage and potentially to it’s end. So you decided it was best to have a baby. You probably also knew you’d be able to ‘play the victim’ (that’s too strong but I can’t find other words) later to comfort yourself. Just own your decision and get on with it. It’s shit now maybe for you but hopefully not for ever.

I think you’re getting a different response to if you were a woman because it’s just all too common for men to choose to have sex and then not take responsibility for the consequences. Not your fault obviously but that’s why the same post from a woman would attract different responses.

The whole having a second child thing so child no1 has someone to play with is a terrible, self-centred reason for a second. If you can't be bothered to spend time playing with your kids or arrange play-dates with their pals then don't have a child in the first place.
Plus if you have a second there is no guarantee they'll want to play together and even if they do, the playing stage only lasts 5-10 years. What about the rest of the years!

@newstart1234

But you made the best decision you thought at that time, roughly 6 years ago. You made the best decision based on what you knew then. It’s natural and common to decide later that that was in hindsight the wrong decision. Circumstances change. I don’t know how your wife could have conceived your child without your agreement at that time, even if you’ve changed your mind now. If you accept that you decided to have a child based on your life 6 years ago, you can regain some control over your life/emotions/mental health now. Why did you decide to have a child? If you’d posted 6 years ago you’d have no doubt been told ‘don’t have a baby you don’t want, but don’t string along your wife who does want another child’. You probably knew this would lead to an extremely difficult situation within you marriage and potentially to it’s end. So you decided it was best to have a baby. You probably also knew you’d be able to ‘play the victim’ (that’s too strong but I can’t find other words) later to comfort yourself. Just own your decision and get on with it. It’s shit now maybe for you but hopefully not for ever.

Sure but it was decision I regret. So I accept the consequences but how others learn form it. My final point is that those trying to persuade reluctant partners should reflect on my experience. I think , based on some comments, some people have benefited by my contribution, so it's been a worthwhile exercise.

By the way , I am not " lazy" and have contributed at least 70% of financial income over ten years ( ie 40% deposit of home) and after splitting combined salaries received the exact same amount of disposable income (and free time) as my wife. It's precisely because I have been so involved that I regret the second child. We had a very nice life up till eldest was four.

If in doubt, leave the second child out.

I wish you all well.

I have to be honest if DH had said no to our conceiving a second child I would have left him. A minimum of 2 children was an absolute non-negotiable requirement of getting married.

Dh and I planned 2 children. Due to significant complications during first birth I couldn't have anymore. Dh and I made an agreement we'd have 2 before we married. Based on some of these comments he should've left me and had another with someone else because I couldn't have a second??

People are allowed to change their mind. There's nothing wrong with that. I'd rather an honest partner than be in the op's position 5 years down the line regretting the decision.

As it turns out one dd is wonderful! God works in mysterious ways. We couldnt be happier. Friends with 2 kids have told me they are envious of how easy my life is compared to theirs. A few have had to deal with medical needs and then later diagnosed SEN, all with their second and not first. Not sure why this is apart from they were older with second.

I can't say what you should have done. I know no matter how bad my birth trauma I would have still wanted a second. If we had been unable to conceive again absolutely would have gone done the fertility/adoption route. That's just me, it was incredibly important to me. I have made lots of compromises in my marriage, but I couldn't have compromised on that.

@newstart1234

I think you’re getting a different response to if you were a woman because it’s just all too common for men to choose to have sex and then not take responsibility for the consequences. Not your fault obviously but that’s why the same post from a woman would attract different responses.

He has taken responsibility though. He's an active parent in both kids lives which he's explained multiple times - he regrets the decision, I know a few people who have said if they could go back and not have kids they would, but you would never know it if they never told you and they have great relationships with their kids.

Men and women get different answers on here because of the double standards/sexism on mn. That's it, no excuse for it really. It should be a case of replying to the individual case, not "that's what men usually do so that's the answer you're getting"

Just wanted to post the counterfactual. My husband said he couldn’t cope with a second after we had our first. I wanted another but respected his wishes. He changed his mind when I was 40 and then changed his mind again six months later so we have one. I am really sad that when we’re gone my DC the won’t have anyone from his family. DC would love a sibling. I do some extent not trying harder to persuade him.

Sorry should say I regret not trying harder to persuade him.

OP I can't believe the number of posts dismissing your feelings and suggesting you get therapy! You were pressured into another child against your judgement and now are living with the consequences if the roles were reversed I bet the responses would be different. There are plenty of couples for whom one child is the right number, I don't see why people are justifying having more as if you are wrong to feel the way you do.

@applespearsbears

OP I can't believe the number of posts dismissing your feelings and suggesting you get therapy! You were pressured into another child against your judgement and now are living with the consequences if the roles were reversed I bet the responses would be different. There are plenty of couples for whom one child is the right number, I don't see why people are justifying having more as if you are wrong to feel the way you do.

This ^

I get that people shouldn’t dismiss that he felt pressured by his partner, but what exactly is bad about suggesting someone get therapy when they’ve said they regret their decision to have a second child daily?

Therapy is not a boogeyman, and it could be beneficial for OP to get those feelings out and work through them with a professional so that they can become more comfortable with it, to the point where they aren’t thinking about it every day.

We’re not in the 1950s, we don’t have to gasp and clutch our pearls because someone said the word “therapy”.

OP I’ve no idea why you’re getting such a hard time on here. You make a very valid point, and there is nothing in any of your posts to suggest that you’re not a loving and devoted father to both of your children.

Obviously many people actively choose to have more than one child. But I personally know so many others who have done so because two children is the societal norm. They weren’t pressured exactly, but most of us have a very strong urge to conform with what others are doing, and it’s hard to stand apart from that and resist.

We have one DC, by choice. If we ever wanted a second I’d have to have invasive surgery, then face what would most likely be a complicated and risky pregnancy. I’m also 41 (DP is 47), with all that that entails for the risks of any potential pregnancy. I have several friends whose second child has profound additional needs. But even in our position there are moments when I doubt our decision, which broadly have nothing to do with our personal circumstances or happiness levels, and everything to do with what my peer group are doing, what the media says about only child families, what is normalised by society and so on.

As a society we really need to move away from the stigma of having just the one child. It is the most sensible choice for many families, and shouldn’t be seen as ‘lesser’.

@fruitbrewhaha

I think you're getting some backs up OP because you are mansplaining.

If you wrote "I regret having a second child, feet railroaded in to it, is this normal?" or "I feel so overwhelmed with two children and wish I'd stopped at one, I'm depressed" you may have got a different response. Instead you're coming across as rather pious or sanctimonious "I've erred and am offering up my wonderful advice". Your situation is unique to you so isn't really something others can follow.

Yes, that’s what put my back up. Also, it’s statistically unlikely that he is doing 50%. I would have liked a second because I was filling the sibling role, and I hated it.

I agree @TempsPerdu so many people have a second ad it's the done thing/societal norm or so they can provide a sibling. There is so much stigma around having an only child despite there being on evidence they grow up at a disadvantage. Having a sibling is wonderful when it works out but doesn't guarantee they'll get on. I know of plenty who aren't close.

Everyone has a different limit when it comes to how they cope with life, dependent on their finances, family/friends support network, demanding job, mental health so one child is the limit for some and it's hard to know for sure how you and your relationship will managed until after you've had that child. Ultimately I'd rather be a good parent to one child and save my marriage rather than an overstretched and stressed parent of two with a broken relationship. We are all different, and that's ok.

I agree with those who have advised the OP to get some therapy to help process those feelings but I commend him for his honesty.

This is a post in a thread about having one child. Why are people pushing OP about having 2?

It doesn’t matter what “pre marriage counselling garbage” anyone’s sat through if you don’t want more children nobody-regardless of gender-should be pressurised into having more.

Thankyou for your post OP you are entitled to voice your thoughts.

I'm a latecomer to this thread but I do think you are getting a hard time, OP.
I totally understand what you are saying, and it's helping me to re-evaluate my own situation.
The pressure from society and peers to have a 2nd child is immense.
I have one DD aged 4. I had terrible mental health issues after her birth that lingered for 2 years. I got pregnant due to a slip up when she was 18 months, and my partner and I agreed to terminate as we didn't think we could cope with 2 young children and I was still ill. He's regretted that decision every day since, and regularly tells me so.
Fast forward 2.5 years and I feel ready for a 2nd child. My OH now tells me it's too late. He's not a hands on father at all and it would mostly be left to me if we had two, as I look after my daughter on my own a lot of the time.
Rather than try to persuade him I'm going to try and be thankful with what I have. I'm someone who likes their free time and an introvert, and not sure in my heart I could cope with two.

Thank you, and there is nothing in your post that makes you sound like a poor father, far from it. It's bloody difficult being a parent.
I hope you find peace.