Is it sad to only have one child?

[BuildingBlocks1]

Please don't think I'm rude by the title, it's just how I feel.

I'm the eldest of 5. DH is an only. We have DD, almost 3. Great pregnancy but awful birth story. She was rushed away at 8 hours old & in to ICU where she stayed for 4 days, we struggled to hold her she had so many needles everywhere. We were in hospital 18 days. The first year with the trauma & being a new mum (not particularly maternal either) was incredibly difficult for me to enjoy, I was an anxious wreck with PTSD.

Fast forward to now, DD is amazing, you'd never know her start & condition.

I've always had a thing in my head that only children & their parents made for a seemingly 'sad' life. I'm not sure why. Not even the issue of having no sibling to play with, I have just always thought it sad maybe because I grew up in such a large family. Everything in my head just seems smaller & quieter with one.

Myself & DH (who is very laid back) sometimes talk about another. He's open to it but has said himself he's more leaning to just having DD.

I always thought if I had a second & had a 'good' experience with a newborn it may heal some wounds. Then I catastrophise & think the baby could be poorly, have a life long severe medical condition & then I would wish we had just stuck with DD. I feel terrible saying that, because you should just love your children as they are. I just don't think i would cope. But of course I can't predict the future, so is it just best I never have another? There's also the side of not knowing what's wrong with them when they can't communicate/sleep deprivation etc. To some people this may be the norm but to me after DD being so poorly at birth anytime she seemed ill I was & still am, a nervous wreck.

Sorry for the blabbering, it just helps me to get it out sometimes. I wish I could make a decision, terrified I'll regret it either way whatever I do.

[TellerTuesday]

I'm an only child of an only child so didn't even have cousins growing up. I can honestly hand on heart say that I have never felt I wanted a sibling. I had a very happy childhood.

I now have an only (DD age 8) and no desire for a second. I had an easy pregnancy & birth.

DH is a twin and they're currently at 7 years NC.

[NotAshamedToFancyTheGrinch]

So did your dh have a sad life?

[Mittenmob]

I have 2, and i love them both dearly but there is no doubt that my second takes time away from my first. We just don't get the same time as we did with her. She has a brother to compensate but I don't think life is better for her, just different.

[BuildingBlocks1]

@NotAshamedToFancyTheGrinch Not at all. I don't think my DD would either, it's just how I view it in my head I struggle to accept - Sad I may not have another because I don't feel I'm brave enough to take that risk.

[lizkt]

No it is not sad at all for me or DD.

[Valaris]

I have an only. My birth injries were so severe I'm having to have a full hysterectomy. I can't have more.

So I really hope the answers mean only children are happy as I always wanted 2-3children and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and pain about DS being an only child.

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I only half 1 child. He's young and I do think I'd like to change that in the future maybe, but if I'm honest, I can probably give my one child a much happier life than I could if I had 2.
2 would require DH and I earning more money. My job isn't very high paying but is INCREDIBLY flexible and very generous holiday and pension. DH is a leader of his team and needs the experience before he can look up within his field.
All of us would suffer if I had to change jobs to earn more. We'd see less of DS and any future DC. Grandparents are 5 years older than when we had DS and wouldnt be able to help as much.

It's all very situational. Some families may thrive having 2/3/4 kids and others thrive with 1 or even 0.

Happily families are not defined by the numbers

[RuthW]

I'm an only. My adult dd is an only.

We are both happy

[BuildingBlocks1]

Sorry everyone I think I've worded my feelings incorrectly, I don't think it's sad as in the child is sad, it is purely how I've viewed it growing up in a big family. As I have commented, it's just how I view it in my head I struggle to accept - Sad I may not have another because I don't feel I'm brave enough to take that risk. Thank you for all your replies.

[NebbiaZanzare]

No. It’s been great as far as DH & I are concerned. And at 21 DS has had the time to experience the you get part of it and still maintains he thinks he got a better deal than his mates with siblings.

It’s not your fault you think an only child is a sad/awful concept. Blame G. Stanley Hall. It’s all his fault.

[bookworm14]

I have one child and I don’t feel that our lives are sad. She, DH and I have so much fun together.

[shakeitoffshakeacocktail]

There's no right or wrong.

I have one and am happy. I aborted my second as it was unplanned from a brand new relationship (my own fault)

I know how hard co-parenting is with one and didn't want to have two different baby daddies and explain to my daughter where the 'new' baby had come from.

She gets the best of both in my mind everything is hers and there are no sibling rivalries and fighting, she gets me all to herself and she's never short of friends to play. At least 2/3 per week after school plus clubs.
In summer she's with kids practically every night.

It's all personal but can't imagine it any other way unless you live it.

If you had a hysterectomy tomorrow would you be devastated?

Or if you found out you were pregnant tomorrow would you be thrilled?

[bookworm14]

Blame G. Stanley Hall. It’s all his fault.

Indeed - he’s almost single-handedly responsible for all the negative stereotypes about only children.I wish I could go back in time and punch him in the face.

[Ozanj]

Both my siblings have 2 kids and they have one clever, confident, friendly one (the eldest) and one really traumatised and troubled one (their youngest). Both of the eldest DN confided to me that they wished their siblings had never been born because all they did was is ruin their lives. These are children (9 and 5) talking about other children and there are no SN or SEN.

Compared to them my ‘lonely’ little only is happy, friendly, sociable, and loves nothing more than a cuddle.

[BuildingBlocks1]

@NebbiaZanzare Just had a Google. What a completely ridiculous theory.

[Molly1418]

I have always wanted to have a big family, had three kids in my mind when we first got married LoL! My DH had testicular cancer had chemo and all when our DD was 18 months old. So we couldn't have or even tried to have another child. I sometimes felt she might be missing out- we are not large families in either side so no cousins around either. So our DD has always found ways to entertain herself when she was a kid and now she is 16,she is very sociable, has lots of friends but sometimes she enjoys being alone - she hangs out with herselfas she puts it. And she always says she is very happy being an only child- no sibling rivalry etc she says she wants to have one child in the future as it is the best

[NebbiaZanzare]

Indeed - he’s almost single-handedly responsible for all the negative stereotypes about only children.I wish I could go back in time and punch him in the face.

I’m coming with you. I’ll hold your coat and use one foot to keep the Tardis door open so we can make a fast get away. 😁

[BuildingBlocks1]

Thank you for your replies. I wish I could be more decisive/brave in this decision. I feel it would stop the daily mental anguish I put myself through if I could reach that. I do wonder if I'd not seen DD so poorly if I would feel differently or not. I didn't enjoy the baby stage one bit but I love the toddler age & feel sad I may not have that again. Not the sole reason to have another, I know that.

[TurnUpTurnip]

Probably going to be flamed for this but I really wish I had only stuck with one, I think being able to put all your time effort and energy money into one child is best

[bookworm14]

@NebbiaZanzare

Indeed - he’s almost single-handedly responsible for all the negative stereotypes about only children.I wish I could go back in time and punch him in the face.

I’m coming with you. I’ll hold your coat and use one foot to keep the Tardis door open so we can make a fast get away. 😁

[Etherealhedgehog]

My parents are both one of five and it's definitely fucked up them and/or their siblings in different ways. So I guess you could say that families with lots of kids are sad? I think it's certainly more likely than what you're suggesting. I plan for DD to be an only and I'm super excited for our life as a little family of three

[MintMe]

I have an only. Me and DH constantly repeat the 'one and done' to people when they ask if we're having more. Great pregnancy, textbook birth, very happy contented baby who has grown into a delightful 5 year old.

I just don't see the need to add another.

Me and DH both back working full time, busy lives, no family nearby. Another would have tipped us from manageable to unworkable.

[Etherealhedgehog]

Sorry, that sounded more defensive than intended - it's such a difficult decision to make, but all the evidence suggests your family will not be any more sad if you stick to one child, so try not to make that a consideration. I sort of feel the opposite in that I'm pretty confident I only want one but find I'm second guessing myself constantly because the assumption that multiple kids is better/more normal is so widespread. It's a minefield!

[BuildingBlocks1]

@Etherealhedgehog I'm not 'suggesting' anything.. it's just how I personally always viewed it due to personal circumstances.
My siblings did my head in & now all live abroad so I'm not coming at it from a 'DD MUST have a sibling!' POV, it's just me personally potentially saying goodbye to the idea I had of having 2 children.

[BuildingBlocks1]

@Etherealhedgehog Yes to your second comment.. all my friends have 2 children & the look of disbelief I get when I say we are probably OAD says it all. Still, not up to them is it 🤪