Is it sad to only have one child?

[BuildingBlocks1]

Please don't think I'm rude by the title, it's just how I feel.

I'm the eldest of 5. DH is an only. We have DD, almost 3. Great pregnancy but awful birth story. She was rushed away at 8 hours old & in to ICU where she stayed for 4 days, we struggled to hold her she had so many needles everywhere. We were in hospital 18 days. The first year with the trauma & being a new mum (not particularly maternal either) was incredibly difficult for me to enjoy, I was an anxious wreck with PTSD.

Fast forward to now, DD is amazing, you'd never know her start & condition.

I've always had a thing in my head that only children & their parents made for a seemingly 'sad' life. I'm not sure why. Not even the issue of having no sibling to play with, I have just always thought it sad maybe because I grew up in such a large family. Everything in my head just seems smaller & quieter with one.

Myself & DH (who is very laid back) sometimes talk about another. He's open to it but has said himself he's more leaning to just having DD.

I always thought if I had a second & had a 'good' experience with a newborn it may heal some wounds. Then I catastrophise & think the baby could be poorly, have a life long severe medical condition & then I would wish we had just stuck with DD. I feel terrible saying that, because you should just love your children as they are. I just don't think i would cope. But of course I can't predict the future, so is it just best I never have another? There's also the side of not knowing what's wrong with them when they can't communicate/sleep deprivation etc. To some people this may be the norm but to me after DD being so poorly at birth anytime she seemed ill I was & still am, a nervous wreck.

Sorry for the blabbering, it just helps me to get it out sometimes. I wish I could make a decision, terrified I'll regret it either way whatever I do.

Deanit you seem to be seeking out a very one-sided view of only children online. For every person on a message board who posts that they were miserable and lonely as an only child, there will be another who says they loved it. And don’t forget plenty of people have a poor relationship with their siblings.

Your son is not doomed to have a miserable life, but if he picks up from you that he is ‘supposed’ to be miserable, it may well become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have 3 siblings, my DH has two. Always imagined a big family for us. We lost 2 before our DD was born, and one afterwards. I felt sad for a few years but don’t now- she is 20. Happy, healthy, sociable, bright, polite etc etc.....
I call her my ‘limited edition’ rather than the negative ‘only one’
We gave her lots of opportunities to be with other children when growing up, and she values her friendships, both at home and now at uni very much.
My advice would be to enjoy every stage with your little one. What will be will be.

I think the OP has empathy issues where you don't understand people who have different experiences from their own. Maybe something to work on... I think having 5 kids is a bit weird but probably wouldn't go on about it.

I think there are many many pluses to having or being an only child.

The only real negative I can see, and this is now only pertinent since I lost a parent, is potentially having to go through the loss of a parent without a sibling for support.

However as many have said, you might have siblings but not get on, you might end up NC with them, you might lose a sibling through accident or illness.

There is no right or wrong. @deanit your son is quite possibly having a much “better” childhood than many children who have one or more siblings. You and your partner clearly adore him and that’s the main thing. Please try not to let it get you down.

I don't think it's sad. I like my brother but don't see him much. DH and his sister hate each other. My friend has 2 kids but one is very mentally handicapped so they don't grow up as equals that can talk to each other. So giving your child a sibling is a real lottery if it would make their life better or worse. You should only have a child that YOU want. At least then it's wanted by someone.

@deanit Do you have something else going on in your life right now because it's a bit unusual to have your happy life derailed by the internet?

You're happy. Your child's happy. Loads of only children on this thread are saying they're happy (as they do every time this ridiculous topic comes up). I think you need to get some perspective.

I think who you choose to hang out with can make a big difference to your happiness and life satisfaction levels OP.

Most of my friends were like me and had either one child or no children. It was so easy for us to socialise together as we could always do something age appropriate (no older or younger sibs tagging along) and could share a car to go places.

Parents of one often have more time to themselves to pursue their own interests, friendships, passions and careers.

I think if most of my friends had had bigger families maybe I would have felt like the odd one out. As it was I really enjoyed the relative freedom and reduced pressure on resources that come with having just one child.

Some of my friends' only children were highly sociable and wanted to have a playmate round as often as possible. Others like my own dd enjoyed alone time/time with parents a lot after a social time at school. Some kids like a quiet relaxed home and others prefer a livelier environment.

It's hard to know how things will pan out as there are so many unknowns in life. I expect that relatively few of us have lives that panned out as our younger selves expected them to.

@deanit my dd only found out last month that there are some negative stereotypes attached to only children.
She is 22 years old and was really surprised about it.

I felt super happy that she has spent 22 years totally unaware of negative stereotypes. The scientific research that exists totally debunks these lazy and inaccurate stereotypes.

My dd has never wished for a sibling and has always wanted to remain an only!

Just wanted to say thank you for your responses. I was so overwhelmed with the negativity that I was reading, and I have since...with the sage guidance of this board...as well as from some others been able to realize it really is just one side of a much wider picture. I have vowed to leave the message boards behind and focus on the wonderful positive things regarding my triangle family. Thank you so much for your support!

We only have one DD. Kind of always thought we would only have one. She is in secondary school now and we couldn’t be happier with one.
🥰

OP I totally sympathise - I had a horrible first year when my DS arrived. A lot of wanting a second was about wanting a chance for a “do-over” of that first year, although I’d always assumed we’d have probably 3. Ironically, we discovered a have a medical condition that means categorically no more children, and I worried a lot that my son would be sad. And yes, our house is definitely quieter than those of our friends with more than 1, but actually we’ve found that really works for our son. He has a whale of a time with his cousins, friends and nursery pals, but at the start and end of the day it’s just us, and we have time for quiet cuddles and reading and imaginary play and total focus on him, which he loves. We get home and he says “it’s so nice and quiet mummy”! One and done was NEVER my plan, but now it’s my reality, I love it, and my DS (now 4) seems super happy with the set up.

So nothing wrong with having an only child but just wanting to share with you what my daughter’s friend is going through. She’s 11 no siblings that’s because the parents had difficulty conceiving a baby. One night she kept texting my daughter the whole time and i happened to see the messages over 20 or 30. I honestly got scared something happened to her. I told my daughter to call back and see what’s going on. They were on the phone a while. My daughter said she had been crying on her pillow for 20 min. Because she felt very lonely🥺🥺🥺 that just broke my heart because as a mother you don’t want your child or any child feeling like that. Her parents are amazing she’s got it all and more than you can dream of. While I’m not gonna say that my kids have the perfect life with their siblings I know it’s not perfect but I know that they got no time to be sad because of feeling lonely. And everyone makes their own choices we all hopefully do the right one. Peace and love ❤️

just wanted to say that my daughter’s friend literally has no cousins. So that too can probably add to her feeling of loneliness

The idea you have in your head is likely from previous generations where there was a religious reason/church expectation of larger families, and not to be somber, but years ago, people had more children as an insurance due to child mortality.

I have an interest in this subject and there are many studies and much research to show only children are happier, and have greater self esteem, higher IQs in comparison to sibling families.

Also, whilst having one child is associated with a gain in happiness for mothers, having a second is frequently associated with a drop in happiness for mothers.

@Trimomof3 I am an only child with similar circumstances to your DDs friend. An only, not out of choice and with no cousins in this country ( plenty on the other side of the world).

I was never lonely and was pretty busy with hobbies and sport, so I don't think your DDs friends situation is always the reality for everyone. I was a lot more self sufficient and independent than a lot of my peers and also more so than my children are despite me trying to encourage more self sufficiency!

When I was young, 1970's it was very unusual to be an only but it never really bothered me. As a teen my parents would take a friend of mine on holiday with us which was great. But nowadays I see and know a lot of only children and most are really not spoilt rotten by their parents but are lovely kids, again typically much more independent than those I see with siblings and seem more self assured too. Whether that's a coincidence or something to do with being an only I have no idea.

I can relate to that. I have 2 with a 5 yr age gap. I think I was much happier with one!

Can I put a different angle on this. I'm an only child my mum passed away when I was 24 and I really struggled to cope. Roll on 40 years my dad remarried when I was in my
30's to a lovely lady who was two daughters a son. They are in their 90's now and we all help care for them both I always imagined myself caring for elderly parents but we now feel that the load is shared. You never know what will happen in the future x

Why did someone revive this thread from April to provide one anecdote which they think proves being an only child is terrible? What is the point?

I know it's an old thread and this response is over a year ago, but having siblings is really no guarantee to be an aunt or uncle one day. I have 2 siblings, but exactly 0 nieces and nephews. My sister wants kids but she suffers from infertility and as she's now 41 and her husband is 43, it's unlikely she'll have one now. My brother doesn't want kids, and he has trouble just being in a long term relationship and is unemployed, it's also unlikely to happen too. I'm a bit sad about it, but it's life: Plus, I acknowledge it's really not anyone's job to put their body through aggressive fertility treatment, pregnancy or birth or to do the hard work of parenting so that I could play being an aunty (same thing applies to playing being a granny). My DP has a younger brother who (probably) wants to have kids but can't, so he's overinvesting our DC (I could start an entire thread about this subject and probably will one day). I think his attitude is pretty unhealthy and intrusive. Being an aunt/uncle (or being a parent) is not a solution to fix things in your life.