Is it sad to only have one child?

[BuildingBlocks1]

Please don't think I'm rude by the title, it's just how I feel.

I'm the eldest of 5. DH is an only. We have DD, almost 3. Great pregnancy but awful birth story. She was rushed away at 8 hours old & in to ICU where she stayed for 4 days, we struggled to hold her she had so many needles everywhere. We were in hospital 18 days. The first year with the trauma & being a new mum (not particularly maternal either) was incredibly difficult for me to enjoy, I was an anxious wreck with PTSD.

Fast forward to now, DD is amazing, you'd never know her start & condition.

I've always had a thing in my head that only children & their parents made for a seemingly 'sad' life. I'm not sure why. Not even the issue of having no sibling to play with, I have just always thought it sad maybe because I grew up in such a large family. Everything in my head just seems smaller & quieter with one.

Myself & DH (who is very laid back) sometimes talk about another. He's open to it but has said himself he's more leaning to just having DD.

I always thought if I had a second & had a 'good' experience with a newborn it may heal some wounds. Then I catastrophise & think the baby could be poorly, have a life long severe medical condition & then I would wish we had just stuck with DD. I feel terrible saying that, because you should just love your children as they are. I just don't think i would cope. But of course I can't predict the future, so is it just best I never have another? There's also the side of not knowing what's wrong with them when they can't communicate/sleep deprivation etc. To some people this may be the norm but to me after DD being so poorly at birth anytime she seemed ill I was & still am, a nervous wreck.

Sorry for the blabbering, it just helps me to get it out sometimes. I wish I could make a decision, terrified I'll regret it either way whatever I do.

I had a lovely pregnancy and the birth wouldn't put me off having another, we just don't want to. Our DS is amazing (4years old) and i love our family unit (plus the pooch).

I did go through a phase of feeling guilty but that was more because people find it hard to understand you only want one. The whole, he will be lonely, be solely responsible for looking after you when you are older, but honestly this can all happen if you have any number of children.

I have stopped feeling guilty now as he is such a happy, polite and content boy he doesn't need a sibling and we dont need another child we dont really want.
Its definatelt the right choice for us.

My only worry with having one, is when we get older, they would have to deal with our ill health alone.

Plenty do. This isn't s'pose to be a negative comment. Just my worries.

My DS11 loves being an only child. It was definitely the right decision for us, for all sorts of reasons, and life works really well for all of us. I wonder whether some counselling would help you?

I'm Mum to 4, I don't think have an only is at all sad. It's different to having having a 4+ family but not sad 🤷🏽‍♀️

So many advantages!

Wanting children is actually illogical, and hormones have a lot to answer for.

Revel in having an only and try live in the here and now and enjoy it

I have stopped feeling guilty now as he is such a happy, polite and content boy he doesn't need a sibling and we dont need another child we dont really want. Its definatelt the right choice for us.

Totally agree with all this. My DD disproves all the ‘selfish, spoiled only child’ stereotypes by the mere fact of her existence. She is polite, thoughtful, grateful for what she has, and got a special award at school this week for the kindness she showed to another child!

@readwhatiactuallysay I think the issue for me is that I don't feel 100% either way, I wish I did. It's very difficult. I have just always pictured myself with 2 & it saddens me that may not be the case.

@Crazyforcavies Oh I've been on the counselling train for a long time, sadly I'm indecisive by nature & even having weighed up all pros & cons, I still can't reach a decision. No immediate rush to make one. Just sad I had the experience I did whilst trying to remain grateful for how lucky I am in other aspects.

Susan Newman has done loads of research on this and in short, only children thrive as long as they have plenty of social contact and aren't the sole focus of your attention. I'd really recommend her book on parenting an only. It shows they're very similar to eldest children in terms of outcomes.

Of course everyone's circumstances are different but I am an only child of an only child and I did not want it for my own.

@BuildingBlocks1

Thank you for your replies. I wish I could be more decisive/brave in this decision. I feel it would stop the daily mental anguish I put myself through if I could reach that. I do wonder if I'd not seen DD so poorly if I would feel differently or not. I didn't enjoy the baby stage one bit but I love the toddler age & feel sad I may not have that again. Not the sole reason to have another, I know that.

It’s OK to not be brave and decisive. It’s ok to just kick the can down the road until either the road (or eggs) runs out, or you are actively able to choose to have another or stop at one.

I ran out of road. The only thing stopping me from having more children was my inability to actively choose another birth and the RELENTLESS baby stage. If they sold children fully potty trained at 4yo on Amazon I’d buy a new one for Christmas every 3 years. I love babies (that I can hand back when they go relentless) and absolutely adore toddlers, little kids, tweens, teens and young adults.

There’s really no need to beat yourself up over this, the number you have doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is as the pair of you have the personal and practical resources to provide 360° for the family you end up with. The difference in outcomes of kids with FAB V “good enough” parents is small. It’s the kids with “not good enough” parents who start to see the sadder outcomes. Forget the number, focus on the family unit you have right now, the rest will work itself out. Big Fat Hug, you sound like you’ve had a rough ride of it.

When you have made perfection, why have another?

Or in our case, would you risk another???!!! 🤦‍♀️🤪🤯

DH and I are both only children and we have one child. We are all happy and not feeling lack of anything in our lives.

Maybe you could adopt or foster?

I’m one of 3 but have an only. It’s something I did initially struggle with but I’ve made peace with it now. I genuinely don’t feel like her childhood is lacking compared to how mine was.

My daughter is enough.

I am an only. DP is an only. Best friend is an only. Cousin is an only. None of us had sad or lonely childhoods. In fact, having siblings was my worst nightmare as a kid!

It's okay if they become someone that is good at making friends or if there is other family around (sounds like you have that). For me, I have a very hard time socialising and think I am going to be very lonely when my mum and her sister are gone, my dad's already gone. Extended family stick to their groups. So yeah, it's nice having lots of time and attention when younger but for me my own elderly years look lonely at the moment. I really didn't want to have an only child, I wanted to give him what I felt I missed out on. But it looks like that's what will happen for us. I hope that, like pp have experienced, that if he is an only that he likes it. I hope he likes me still when he's an adult. And I do hope I get better at socialising. I doubt your daughter will feel as bleak as I do because you come from a larger family. Sorry to be a downer.

Times have changed. More people seem to be having one child only as more is difficult to afford or they left it too late to have kids. I know quite a few one child families. They do not regret it. Children seem happy so may be is ok. I find it sad when I visit my friend who had three and is struggling financially and wants them to have private education as where they live is not good for state schools. Also, they can’t afford holidays as too expensive.

These days you would not feel out of place with one.

When dd1 was 4, I asked her if she was glad I had a sister for her (dd2) or would she have liked to be an only child and she said she'd have liked to be an only child.

There is nothing wrong with having and loving one child.
There is no good reason to have another unless you want to.
There are five years between my boys, so my eldest was an only ch

Gah... an only child for his for his first five years. I remember being down on my hands and knees being the doggie when he wanted to play. It was funny, not sad.
My gap was because I just wasn't ready to have another. A scary birth and a high energy toddler was enough to put me off.
I always used to think it was sad when other women talked about having their second soon after the first to "get it out of the way". What's the point in that?

I think if you grew up in a large family filled with lots of different activity and lots of energy then that's your norm. To have an only child is different, the house is quieter and less full on I imagine.

For me I am an only child, only cousins lives a long way overseas. I missed out on nothing as a child, as an adult though with ageing parents I would love to have a sibling around. But even with a sibling there is no guarantee that we would actually like each other or help each other!

I have 2, with a 5 year age gap, I have to be honest, having the 2nd one threw me a curve ball. I had no idea how much more work would be involved, it certainly more than doubled, my eldest often, as in most of the time resents her sibling as she knows she's missing out on time with me. I try and squeeze in days for the 2 of us but it's hard to do as many as she really needs.

I guess what I am trying to say, is whatever only child, large family, 2 kids, it all swings in roundabouts, there's no perfect number and what works for one family will not work for you. There's pros and cons to everything and really no right or wrong.

It sounds to me OP that you want another but you are scared of going through another traumatic birth. It is so much harder with 2 and I look back wistfully to when I got to spend all my time with DS before his brother came along. I don’t regret having 2 but I do envy those that get to focus 100% of their time on just one child. I miss that relationship with my first born. I miss how easy my life was with one.

I had a second so my DS had a friend to grow up with, someone to share memories with when we were no longer here. So I feel I did the right thing in that regard but also I’m not able to give him the attention he had before so he loses out in that way. It’s hard.

I love that I know what’s coming. I can’t wait til my youngest starts speaking, learning to walk etc. All the things that I look back on pics of my eldest and feel sad that that time has passed - well I get to go through it all again with my second born!

You have to think will you always regret never having another? I would have done and even though it’s much harder than I ever realised, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I'm an only. Think I'm pretty well adjusted and had a happy childhood.

However now that I'm an adult I do wish my children had cousins (DH is also an only) and that we had that larger extended family to be part of, to rely on and be relied upon by.

It's also getting harder as my parents age. Everything falls to me - I love them and don't mind but it's a lot.

I anguished over this. DD ended up being followed by DS after much debate. As we are older, that played a part in our decision to give it a go for a sibling .. and it happened fast.
DD would have had a lovely only life. Doted on. Wouldn't have to share, prob would have had private education. All attention on her.
Instead she has a fabulous brother close in age. They love each other. They fight. They play. Hopefully they stay like this. They have friends with loads siblings and friends who are only children.
Neither is better experience.
Just different.
For me it's more balanced.
But I know loads vvvv happy only child families.

I totally get it OP. DH and I are both one of four. One child families is just an alien concept to me because I have no experience of that myself. In the same way a large family is probably something your DH couldn't imagine.

My experience with DS1 was nothing like yours with your DC but it was hard and for a while I wasn't sure if I would have another. I went onto have DS2 and I am glad I did because having a positive experience second time around did heal a lot of things for me. I know you can't guarantee a positive experience second time around. We were prepared for it being just as hard with DS2 and even that helped greatly.

All the only children I've known growing up were so much more confident and self-possessed than siblings. It's because IMO they didn't ever have to compete for attention. Be happy.

It sounds like you had a wonderful childhood in a big family. But I suspect only children are actually possibly more likely to be happy - each additional sibling reduces the resources (time/attention and money) available for each child and produces a potential rival/someone they may not get on with. Just look how many on here are NC/LC with siblings. It’s just down to luck really. Then there is the risk that subsequent children could have SN which would obviously take even more of your attention away from DC1.