Is it sad to only have one child?

[BuildingBlocks1]

Please don't think I'm rude by the title, it's just how I feel.

I'm the eldest of 5. DH is an only. We have DD, almost 3. Great pregnancy but awful birth story. She was rushed away at 8 hours old & in to ICU where she stayed for 4 days, we struggled to hold her she had so many needles everywhere. We were in hospital 18 days. The first year with the trauma & being a new mum (not particularly maternal either) was incredibly difficult for me to enjoy, I was an anxious wreck with PTSD.

Fast forward to now, DD is amazing, you'd never know her start & condition.

I've always had a thing in my head that only children & their parents made for a seemingly 'sad' life. I'm not sure why. Not even the issue of having no sibling to play with, I have just always thought it sad maybe because I grew up in such a large family. Everything in my head just seems smaller & quieter with one.

Myself & DH (who is very laid back) sometimes talk about another. He's open to it but has said himself he's more leaning to just having DD.

I always thought if I had a second & had a 'good' experience with a newborn it may heal some wounds. Then I catastrophise & think the baby could be poorly, have a life long severe medical condition & then I would wish we had just stuck with DD. I feel terrible saying that, because you should just love your children as they are. I just don't think i would cope. But of course I can't predict the future, so is it just best I never have another? There's also the side of not knowing what's wrong with them when they can't communicate/sleep deprivation etc. To some people this may be the norm but to me after DD being so poorly at birth anytime she seemed ill I was & still am, a nervous wreck.

Sorry for the blabbering, it just helps me to get it out sometimes. I wish I could make a decision, terrified I'll regret it either way whatever I do.

I was an only child and I was very lonely even though I had cousins etc. I'm now in my 30s and still wish i had a sibling!

Not for me. Had my little guy late in life. One or none... We’re blessed to have him. My aunties ask about a second child, but I’m 45 & don’t want another. We feel right as a unit of three.
I’ve taken to motherhood like a duck to water. Absolutely love it & my boy is a total joy. I know how lucky I am. Hasn’t been easy on my marriage, but DH is just crazy about our son, too.

I have an only child. Our little family is happy and enjoy many things I know we wouldn't be able to experience if we had more kids. We have a lot of fun together. I also know that our child does not want siblings.

I was an only child until I was nine years old and have an only. In theory, I did want to have a sibling to play with when primary school age. By the time time I got to secondary school, I was mainly interested in my own friends.

Now that we're adults - we do see each other once a month or so but I am definitely much, much closer to my friends and it's the same for her. In fact, she is really close to her sister in law and has had the same group of friends since university. Our personalities are quite different and we are just not that close as adults. I know that we wont be much support to each other when our parents' pass away. We each seek support from our partners and friends rather than each other. Always been that way.

With my own only - he does want a sibling but we both work FT, had him quite late and enjoy the fact that we dont have to worry about money with one but things would be a lot tighter with two kids. But we live in London. If I'd been younger, could work part time and had more money then am sure it would seem like a great idea. But we dont and I cant, so we're stopping at one.

I'm an only child and DD is an only. Before I had her I'd assumed we'd have 2 children at least but pregnancy didn't go well and we won't be able to do it again. To be honest, although it took a while to accept it wasn't an option I'm actually now happy that it's right for our family.

I had a wonderful childhood. My parents invited my friends along to lots of things, including holidays sometimes, and I had a cousin a similar age so I was never lonely. I also enjoyed spending time with my parents and doing things with them and we have a fabulous relationship now. I also got opportunities that wouldn't have been possible if I had siblings.

I know we will need to make an effort to ensure DD has company her own age between friends and our Godchildren (she doesn't have any cousins) but I'm sure she will have a great childhood. She will also benefit in many ways from not having siblings.

The only thing that concerns me is there's no one to share the burden with of elderly parents but I watched my DM and my DMIL more or less single handedly (apart from DF and DFIL) care for their elderly/ill parents even though they had siblings (for a multitude of reasons) so it's not like having more children would remove that risk for DD. The best thing we can do is make sure we're financially comfortable in our older years so we can buy in the care we need and not have to rely on her.

Hello,
I am also having only child guilt. I am in a same-sex marriage, and my partner birthed us a incredibly amazing boy almost seven years ago. We were both older...she was 42 when giving birth, and we ended up having three miscarriages with the next babies. All very sad in their own right, but we managed through and eventually time...and our emotional stamina...just ran out. Recently, I started googling only child message boards. Most information indicates that only children are completely normal emotionally and intellectually as sibling-ed children. However, I read one post that said, "You either have zero children or two; otherwise, you're being selfish." And that has stuck in my head now for days. I'm wondering if our selfish desire to have children has put my incredible son at a disadvantage now to just carry on after we die with no real family ties (our families are small...there are loving grandparents and aunts and uncles...but cousins are far away and grown). I just have not been able to let go of that comment. I feel that, regardless of all of the love and encouragement and experience we give him now, he will end up suffering and resentful when he is older. I'm really torn up about it. Is anyone still active on this board?

@deanit I haven’t commented on the original posts but wanted to say that I have had some similar thoughts to you regarding our son (much younger) and due to circumstances around my mental health; he’s very very likely to be an only child.

It made me feel a bit sad for my son reading your post about what you had seen that we are ‘selfish’ for having just one child :( but then I thought about my own family set up, I have a sibling and lots and lots of cousins (who when I was young I played with lots, as were all local). Now in my thirties all my cousins pretty much are in the same area as me but we don’t see much of each other (only very rare occasions, weddings/funerals etc). We don’t see each other over Xmas or anything like that. My sibling also lives miles away and I love them to bits but we message once every few weeks and I see them every couple of months (it does make me quite sad) but it’s not through either of us not wanting to see each other, more just that we have our own lives/work/commitments which mean we can’t see each other any more than we do.

I also like to think (and hope) that my son will meet someone and form part of their family - of course we can only hope for this for our children, no one really knows what the future holds.

I try and see the positives to the situation, i do at times feel sad for my little boy but then I try to think of my current situation regarding my huge family and that I never really see them (other than my parents).

My partner also has 2 brothers, both of whom live away - one in another country, yes they talk over messenger but in terms of seeing each other regularly it’s not something they do much either. He hasn’t seen one brother for 2 Christmases since Covid due to travel restrictions.

Hope this has helped a little.

It's up to you how many you want to have, but also your body. I grew up with 3 other siblings. I do think it's good to have a sibling, even if just the one. My partner is an only child, and he's a bit too close to his family and doesn't know how to share things really. I share everything. That isn't the case for every only child, but it's how he has been brought up, and his mum still treats him and even myself like we are children.

Not for me, I loved being an only child and love having an only child. Nothing sad about it.

For me personally it's only other mothers who make me feel bad about having one child. They don't know or care to know about my loses or health problems. They only know I'm a selfish materialistic bitch for only having the one child, funnily enough my husband never had the same judgment.

I'd like to think there's some kind of sisterhood in motherhood, but I think sometimes we can't help but revert back to the schoolyard.

This article is why I am having panic attacks…is so dismal.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/apr/05/wish-my-son-wasnt-an-only-child

Thank you for this positive message. It’s so good to hear it just normalized. Why do you think there are so many negative stories being shared online about being an only child??!!

I actually can’t comprehend how this is even a question. No it’s not sad.

What do they say to you?

Mostly I have people ask if we will have another. I tell them we tried but it didn’t work, and they back off. I also have quite a few parents at my school (I am a teacher). I am also an older lesbian mother (in a happy marriage, good income), so I’m now feeling like my boy scored the trifecta of parental issues to manage as he gets older. Funny, this all hit in the last month or so…hadn’t really worried about the only child thing until I stared googling it and seeing so many sad complaints from adult onlies.

Love this reply.
But have you read some message boards on this. So many people talk about how lonely they were or how devastated they were when their parents died and they were all alone. It is so sad.

No, it is not sad at all. I didn't plan to have an only child, but I'm very happy with it and would not have it any other way now. DD is very happy too.

I think the research actually suggests the opposite - that a child's happiness declines a little with each additional sibling in the family. But I don't think that makes big families "sad".

I know you said you didn't mean to offend, OP, but what you said was actually quite offensive. Talk about your own sadness, by all means, but give the "single child families are sad" narrative a rest. It's wrong and it's tiresome.

I get the sad feeling, I had a difficult birth with my first and thought she would be an only child which tore at my heart strings. She was very happy and sociable it was just my feeling that something was missing for her as I had a sibling growing up. I think if I hadn't had another child I would have needed to work through my feelings so it didn't affect her. I don't think only children are sad, the ones I know are very well balanced and have lots of friends. They would be sad though it the parents were sad.

I don't understand why there has to be so much guilt around only children. You hardly ever see mums of 3 hand-wringing about the things their children may miss out on.

I'm one and done. My daughter is happy and loved. Me and her dad are fun and sociable so our house isn't particularly quiet. She has goofy cousins. She goes to nursery and when she's at school, I'll make sure her friends are always welcome. Maybe she'll be crap at sharing? Or maybe she has as much chance of being good-natured as anyone else? My husband's one of three and one of the most intensely selfish people I've ever met, he certainly didn't learn much about compromise from having siblings!

So many people talk about how lonely they were or how devastated they were when their parents died and they were all alone.

It's mad to think this is unique to onlys. Many people are alone for many reasons, and many people are devastated when their parents die.

It's mad to think this is unique to onlys. Many people are alone for many reasons, and many people are devastated when their parents die.

I agree with this, but there seems to be a huge stamp on this with onlies…and it wasn’t something I fully thought about with my son until I started reading the message boards.

I cry about this alot. I had fertility treatment and left my marriage when he was young. I have made him an only child. He's got no cousins. I have mental health issues. Older grandparents so support would be lacking and me getting time alone is imperative for my mental health. I worry he'll be lonely. Also as OP I worry about disabilities and if I did ttc I'd be at least 37 which to me is leaving it late.

We wanted a second but it took seven years and five pregnancies to get one live birth, I haven’t had any pregnancies since, and at 43 that ship has probably sailed. DS is 5 now, so the age gap is getting to the point where a sibling wouldn’t really be his “friend” anyway.

I have a very close relationship with my brother, and hoped to replicate that for DS. But thinking about it, I hated DBro as a child and we only really became close after my dad died (when I was 10). So not really a standard upbringing.

DH has a sister who he doesn’t particularly get on with and rarely sees, and it definitely wouldn’t be worth going through multiple miscarriages for DS to replicate their relationship.

And he is perfectly happy now - loves school, very sociable, but also likes his downtime and full parental attention at home. Nobody plays with his toys or messes up his games (something I remember feeling truly outraged and violated about aged 5). We get to do a lot of stuff with him which we couldn’t do with a younger sib - we don’t have to compromise at all.

I'm a decade in to having an only child by choice. People comment on how happy dd is and how close we are. She's started to take friends away with us and does loads of activities she enjoys. She has a lot of say in family decisions so often makes a choice of where we go (based on options I provide).

The money we save from just having 1 is also partly saved for her/us for the future so she won't have to care for us. We can't promise to be no burden at all but we've tried to minimise the load.

She's had the best start in life we could give her and whilst a few people probably judge us I really don't care. They aren't people I'd be friends with anyway.

Don't waste your time on guilt. Enjoy the child you have in front of you and focus on how they are. Every time you feel bad, use that time to do something nice and have a proper chat with your child instead. They're much better to talk to and those moments are far more productive than guilt

Thing is, you can’t really know what’s going happen with any pregnancy / birth / newborn experience. Whether is first or second or whatever kid. I knew the risks (and I didn’t know them at all...) having my baby later in life. And I made my DH very aware of it, too.
But we decided not to be afraid. Everything’s worked out great with our son (so far). He’s an only child & we’re delighted with our little family. DH comes from a large, but very dysfunctional family. So he’s happy with one.

I find this whole topic just so overwhelming, and frankly, I wish I had never stumbled upon it.

My DS is almost 7, and we has had a wonderful childhood thus far. His birth mother (lesbian couple) and I have a great time: we take lots of trips, he has a ton of playdates and is highly involved in sports. He is happy. And I use to say this with no disclaimer; however, reading these posts makes me want to say *despite being an only child.

The one blip we did have was a second trimester miscarriage three years ago with baby #2. We had two miscarriages after that and finally just decided we would love our family of three and went about taking all the steps necessary to love and nurture and encourage our little guy. He's a great kid with a great personality...he is well liked (and the teacher says sometimes too talkative! :-))*

All this time, I thought my wife and I had been doing an incredible job of raising our boy. I thought, perhaps naively, that some people even envied us because we really do like to have fun, and they all think he is such a great kid.

I had no idea that there was this whole other reality going on concerning only children.

About a week ago, I started to google only children...I think to just be sure that there were not any other tips or things to be aware of that could help us raise a strong confident child.

I was somewhat horrified to discover this other world of only child misery, and I've unfortunately fallen down this message board rabbit hole for the last few days and have become incredibly depressed. Oh, how I wish I had never peaked behind the curtain.

I didn't realize only children were so pitied. I didn't realize there was such incredible stigma. I didn't realize I needed to be so incredibly concerned for the well-being of my son now and until forever. Oh my gawd. How was I so naïve to think we have been raising such an awesome kid who will grow up to have an awesome life?

I've been shattered. My reality has been flipped upside down, and now I am paralyzed with fear.

I didn't realize only children were so unhappy. I didn't realize my son is doomed to live his later years alone and lonely. I didn't realize that no matter what great life I give him, he will grow up with resentment for not having a sibling or resenting that he will have to care for his aging parents or will one day feel so all alone because his "family" is gone.

I sure wish I had known this before considering trying to have children because I now feel that I've brought a child into this world who is doomed to suffer. I feel that I will be consumed with sadness and guilt now forever because I have not discovered this truth?

Is this the truth? I hope not. I have been talking to my partner, and she says that I need to get off these message boards because it is full of such sadness regarding only children. She says I need to be strong for our family. She says that having these thoughts is insulting to the blessings we were given. And I hear her and I want to feel that way again.

Why is there such a veil of sadness when talking about only children? I can't tell if that is the reality or it is just the overwhelming collective venting of people on message boards. Is every family of three tinged with this sadness and regret?

Like I said, we certainly had some sadness regarding our miscarriages, but then we moved forward and fully embraced our family of three, but now I feel that I was living in a fantasyland and not fully accepting the burden I have placed on my young son.

I'm definitely going to find a therapist to look into all of these emotions that have now consumed me, but where is the truth in the matter? If you google only children, there are numerous pages of all the advantages of being an only child. However, these message boards are full of such sadness and dread that I feel that those reports are missing some other (hidden?) reality.

I just want to live my life without this stigma and pity that I am now feeling. It was so much better to live without the only-child pathos that I seem to have accidentally uncovered.

Trying to find my way out of this darkness.

I feel like if I have another child I'm back in that zone for another how many years. If I stick with 1 he'll be 18 when I'm late 40s so hopefully still young enough to have life on the other side