Is it sad to only have one child?

[BuildingBlocks1]

Please don't think I'm rude by the title, it's just how I feel.

I'm the eldest of 5. DH is an only. We have DD, almost 3. Great pregnancy but awful birth story. She was rushed away at 8 hours old & in to ICU where she stayed for 4 days, we struggled to hold her she had so many needles everywhere. We were in hospital 18 days. The first year with the trauma & being a new mum (not particularly maternal either) was incredibly difficult for me to enjoy, I was an anxious wreck with PTSD.

Fast forward to now, DD is amazing, you'd never know her start & condition.

I've always had a thing in my head that only children & their parents made for a seemingly 'sad' life. I'm not sure why. Not even the issue of having no sibling to play with, I have just always thought it sad maybe because I grew up in such a large family. Everything in my head just seems smaller & quieter with one.

Myself & DH (who is very laid back) sometimes talk about another. He's open to it but has said himself he's more leaning to just having DD.

I always thought if I had a second & had a 'good' experience with a newborn it may heal some wounds. Then I catastrophise & think the baby could be poorly, have a life long severe medical condition & then I would wish we had just stuck with DD. I feel terrible saying that, because you should just love your children as they are. I just don't think i would cope. But of course I can't predict the future, so is it just best I never have another? There's also the side of not knowing what's wrong with them when they can't communicate/sleep deprivation etc. To some people this may be the norm but to me after DD being so poorly at birth anytime she seemed ill I was & still am, a nervous wreck.

Sorry for the blabbering, it just helps me to get it out sometimes. I wish I could make a decision, terrified I'll regret it either way whatever I do.

I have 1 and won’t have more, I have struggled truth be told with it so the decision is for me. I can be a decent parent to 1 but I absolutely know that anymore would probably make me a worse parent. I do feel bad about this as I am close to my own siblings and sometimes I feel like I’m not giving her that. But on the other hand 2 kids would definitely tip me over the edge and I sant her to have a happy loving mum not the shouting harridan I would turn into with additional kids.

Also I have 3 siblings and DH has 2. I talk to mine on whatsapp everyday he talks to his every few months I honestly don’t think he would have been bothered if he was an only. So very different relationships, no animosity again just different people. Theres no guarantee that they get on or are close.

@Antsgomarching

Also I have 3 siblings and DH has 2. I talk to mine on whatsapp everyday he talks to his every few months I honestly don’t think he would have been bothered if he was an only. So very different relationships, no animosity again just different people. Theres no guarantee that they get on or are close.

Yes true. And it also depends on your culture. In some, like mine, you are expected to be close to cousins (1st, 2nd even 3rd) regardless of how far you live and so even if you have an only like I do it won’t necessarily mean they won’t get any support as they get older.

My DD is a very happy and sociable only child. We end up with her friends here 2-3 times a week, and she's normally out doing clubs on the other days. So she doesn't lack for company. She makes friends everywhere she goes. I think it is a personality thing, rather than a how-many-siblings thing. I have a sister and am an introvert - very happy in my own company. I haven't actually seen my sister in two years - no animosity, just very different and we don't live near each other. We do talk on Whatsapp.

The main problem I find with having an only is a) we have to be her playmates. She finds it impossible to spend any time on her own. b) we have to have other children here a lot to keep her company and because I am an introvert myself I struggle with that. But we do it for her.
The only time she ever mentions wanting a sibling is at night as she hates sleeping on her own and she'd like to share a room.

DS is an only - we couldn't have any more. But now I am happy with how things turned out.

DS is 6 and very sociable (he can't get his head round shy people!) so has no trouble making friends. We make sure he sees plenty of children over the summer holidays etc. but other than that our life seems just like anyone else's.

Sorry this is long but a subject close to my heart for many reasons.

The best human I have met in my entire life was an only child. My amazing truly lovely and gracious friend. She bought light in to everyone’s life in a way that most of us even if we tried couldn’t achieve.She tragically died aged 40 four years ago. She had by all accounts a wonderful childhood.

DS is now an only, our DD very tragically died a number of years ago. So his childhood felt like he was an only. He is an adult now and said recently how he was grateful for such a great childhood. My fear was my sadness would blight his childhood. He has a lovely friendship with a lad who has only sisters and I think they have a bond a bit like brothers. I am one of six and two of my siblings positively chose one child whilst the rest of us had two.

I agree 100% with Corbally

I'd agree with this. Having many siblings in my case was actually a sad thing. There simply wasn't enough of anything parental attention, space, general resources etc for anywhere near that many, and as a result, it was a miserably over-crowded childhood, and none of us are close as adults, because we remind one another of just how overcrowded it was, and how we had to compete with one another for limited resources.

I meant to highlight your text, sorry their your wise word not mine but perfectly put Corbally

I mean, I’m not saying that all large families are overcrowded and vaguely unhappy either, but mine was. All my siblings think so, too. Perhaps other parents, or other parents with more money, who had to concentrate less on keeping a roof over so many heads, would have managed better and not neglected us emotionally, or thought it was fine to keep having children when they hadn’t time or houseroom for the ones they had.

Just as I’m sure there are lonely, socially-maladjusted only children.

But neither is in theory ‘sad’.

DS is 6 and very sociable (he can't get his head round shy people!)

Oh dear poor shy children. How lovely that all the people with only children have such sociable, friendly kids who make friends wherever they go. Not all of us are so lucky.

I think there are other questions that you might benefit from exploring, as well as the one in your title. If you wrote the exact same post, but asking people who suffered birth/early days trauma how they came to the decision to stop at one, or risk another, you’d get another range of responses.

I’m not criticising your question - it’s a valid part of your exploration, but just gently reminding that the questions we ask, shape the range of responses we get.

I’m very sorry that you had such a difficult time

@lollipoprainbow

DS is 6 and very sociable (he can't get his head round shy people!)

Oh dear poor shy children. How lovely that all the people with only children have such sociable, friendly kids who make friends wherever they go. Not all of us are so lucky.

Perhaps they're sociable and friendly because they're only children, rather than in spite of, which seems to be the general assumption.

In which case it isn't a coincidence that you've seen so many anecdotes about sociable and friendly onlies?

@Brindille my dd is an only and she is incredibly shy and struggles to make friends it breaks my heart. I wish I could have given her a sibling.

Ah, please accept my apologies @lollipoprainbow. I had misunderstood your post and thought you meant something which you didn't.

But perhaps try to let go of any guilt you have about your daughter not having a sibling. It isn't a guarantee that a sibling would have helped her with her shyness.

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Brindille my dd is an only and she is incredibly shy and struggles to make friends it breaks my heart. I wish I could have given her a sibling. [/quote]
I was shy and struggled to make friends, with 2 siblings. Siblings didn’t really make up for it tbh. There was always someone around when I was little but not out of choice. My siblings aren’t the people I’d have chosen as friends, when we were children or now as adults. No animosity or drama we’re just not friends and not really part of each others’ lives.

OP, you could have one child, she could be terribly lonely. You could have one child and she could be the happiest child there is. School holidays will be dull, fair enough. Would the company of a sibling be better than the one to one company she gets with you and always will?

You could have 5 children, and be a fabulous family, or you could have 5 children, who by adulthood have all fallen out and don't speak. I know siblings who are beautifully close. I know siblings who are tearing chunks out of each other over their deceased parents will.

There is no right or wrong, you can't predict the future.

If your family works, then your family is right.

Thanks @Brindille I mean her having a sibling as company and when she grows up. I worry she'll be lonely.

There's such a lot of focus about whether childhood is lonely for only children and I don't get why, it's a really short time in life. Of course you'll probably not be lonely in full time school and attending numerous activities. It makes me a bit sad that parents are basing how well their children will do as an only on if they're happy at primary school. There's another 70+ years of life and a myriad of different adult situations where it would feel a lot better to have an adult sibling, even if you aren't that close.

The comment about having a 'fucking pony' is offensive imo. I feel sorry for the girl that opened up about how she felt to be met with that comment. The same type of comment I've laughed off a few times in my life. If the same sort of comment had been made to someone infertile it would be called out. Sadness about a family you can't have/be isn't made okay by pony rides.

I'm a single-parent to an only child and it hasn't always been easy, i also thought i'd go on to have more children but i really love the relationship I have with my DS now. He does have cousins as i have a sister and he's very close with my parents which helps but if you were to quiz him i think he wouldn't feel his life is lonely/sad. We only have to borrow my sisters kids for him to be quite happy when it's just us again. He's also really got great friends. Two brothers actually that according to their parents only really get along when my DS is there.

Hi OP, with so many responses I wasn’t sure if I should pitch in or not. I am one of 2 and have an only. Not exactly by my choice but DH’s. Both of us get along well with our siblings but live in different continents from our families. My DD is shy but she has found a strong group of friends over time/ this used to worry me a lot before . Let me admit: holidays are difficult to plan because we always have to rely on some other friend to play with. The upside of that is we have traveled to lots of places to have fun vacations. She has another friend who is an only and they get along great-many would say better than siblings. I love love the bond we three have. I never had that with my mom and watching other 2 child families have 100% guarantee they don’t. My DD has never asked for a sibling, able to entertain herself very well. She is not sad. It’s my guilt that is the problem here. I only hope she finds a loving friend circle and DH in the future.So bottom line is: if you even remotely feel that you want to have another baby do it and do it as soon as you can. I know of many moms who are happy with their choice of only but they never second guessed themselves. If you will always think that you made a mistake or have minute second thoughts, you will not be happy. I lose a lot of sleep over this.

@lollipoprainbow I didn't mean it disparagingly. DH is quite shy - I just meant because DS is super outgoing that we have had to explain he needs to chill out around more introverted children.

If everyone was like DS no one would get a word in!

It's not just a sibling experience though that they miss out on to me - it's the opportunity to be aunts, uncles, to have nephews and nieces and to me there is an element of sadness to that. Medical and financial issues aside those that I know who are "one and done" are so for largely reasons that could be considered just as selfish as having children in the first place; didn't want to do pregnancy again, just got their figures back, didn't want to do the newborn stage again or potty training, got used to having money again. All things rather short term/superficial/materialist in nature.

But I'll be honest here that my opinion is very much influenced by the fact that DD begged for a sibling from age 3, I was infertile after many many losses and lots of IVF but we did in the end have more children. In my mind and heart I had a picture of what my family looked like and it was never just one child

@bonetiredwithtwins - that’s just the perfect picture family scene though isn’t it, and not reality for many. I have many aunts and uncles as parents both 1 of 4/5, many cousins therefore etc. I think that last time I saw any of them Really I was in primary school. Just because they exist, doesn’t mean they contribute to this big happy family vibe. It really would make zero difference if I had 0 cousins. I don’t think any woudl even know where I live or that I have a child.

As the sad"only" it IS now 70 years down the line,I didn't live up to late expectations,ever, went into nursing,he thought it was "common" didn't approve of my hobbies, because they weren't the same as his
Guess who got the "care"aspect, although working Ft nights and having 4 DKs of my own. No one to share the burden or even talk about it to. So,then I overcompensated,too friendly, helpful, noisy.

I jabbed this debate but I'm thinking in the sense of the concern I have re the only Having to sort out both elderly parents, no one knows how that will pan out, one could pop it and the other parent sorts and whose to say if there was another sibling they'd be around to help! If they lived abroad or weren't in touch with the sibling or lived as close to the parent it renders most of it to the other to sort out. We worry our only would have to sort it out on their own but one sibling may take the lead more if there was another anyway and or actually want to do it and not mind also. It's def deemed a social norm to have at least 2 but

Arrrrrgh somehow it hit send before I had time to read and check!! 😡 it's not sad or in normal, think of it more as being not as common but that's not a bad thing. For one from a financial prescriptive and attention with the parents that is not going to be lacking as with a sibling it's probably almost halved. Due to the lack of sibling they work harder on their friendships younger which they're going to need to be able to do more when they get older, if you have a sibling do you make as much effort with friends because you can live in company...maybe. I'm trying to think in this kind of way when I question myself. I had a rough birth and horrendous couple of years I'm so so tired I just feel i know in my heart of hearts I'd be putting myself at physical and mental risk to my current child and I can't do that as to lose me would be more damaging I think than having another sibling with a very poorly mum if that makes sense. I'd be so tired I just don't think I could go through the potential horrendous lack of sleep we were subject to and the noise it was so exhausting, and would I want to really?? No I wouldn't I'd be mad, I'd only be doing it for my child but not sure it would be a sensible decision. Chooosinf this option I don't put my life or health at further risk, I know I'm here and I can put all my enegry in to her fully I will help her to build confidence and learn how to develop a good social network for herself and the importance of keeping hold of that and if she has children I will be healthier and fitter to help her with them. For all I know she may have the large family I couldn't but that's fine I can def live with that and welcome that if that's what she chooses x x x