Is it sad to only have one child?

[BuildingBlocks1]

Please don't think I'm rude by the title, it's just how I feel.

I'm the eldest of 5. DH is an only. We have DD, almost 3. Great pregnancy but awful birth story. She was rushed away at 8 hours old & in to ICU where she stayed for 4 days, we struggled to hold her she had so many needles everywhere. We were in hospital 18 days. The first year with the trauma & being a new mum (not particularly maternal either) was incredibly difficult for me to enjoy, I was an anxious wreck with PTSD.

Fast forward to now, DD is amazing, you'd never know her start & condition.

I've always had a thing in my head that only children & their parents made for a seemingly 'sad' life. I'm not sure why. Not even the issue of having no sibling to play with, I have just always thought it sad maybe because I grew up in such a large family. Everything in my head just seems smaller & quieter with one.

Myself & DH (who is very laid back) sometimes talk about another. He's open to it but has said himself he's more leaning to just having DD.

I always thought if I had a second & had a 'good' experience with a newborn it may heal some wounds. Then I catastrophise & think the baby could be poorly, have a life long severe medical condition & then I would wish we had just stuck with DD. I feel terrible saying that, because you should just love your children as they are. I just don't think i would cope. But of course I can't predict the future, so is it just best I never have another? There's also the side of not knowing what's wrong with them when they can't communicate/sleep deprivation etc. To some people this may be the norm but to me after DD being so poorly at birth anytime she seemed ill I was & still am, a nervous wreck.

Sorry for the blabbering, it just helps me to get it out sometimes. I wish I could make a decision, terrified I'll regret it either way whatever I do.

I think due to the thread title you're getting a lot of opinions from people who've for various reasons had one child only.
Do you perhaps want to be influenced or allow yourself the permission to "only" have one child?

I think most families make whatever situation they're in work for them. Only and multiple families will both have their challenges and rewards and to pretend everything is otherwise isn't been truthful.
Having any child is a step into the unknown so it's normal to be concerned. There'll be parents who regret having any children or some of the ones they had and parents/people who regret not having more/any. You'll always find people out there to convince you to go with their own version of perfect, that doesn't mean it's for you.

I wouldn't want to not have siblings, I get much more from my relationships with them than my parents. If I'd only had one child I would have suffocated and over parented that child. My children are grown up now but get on very well and always have but obviously had the usual childhood squabbles.
My dh was one of 12 and I think would've been content with 1 maybe 2 children with a large gap, most of his siblings stuck at 2. No one was trying to recreate that childhood!

I think having any child is a calculated risk, if you're not convinced it's a risk you can take on your health or family life then maybe that's the answer for you.

Whatever you do decide please allow yourself to enjoy your family. Regrets and guilt will hold you back and stop you living life to the full. Realise there's no perfect family and enjoy what you have what ever you decide that will be. People on here are selling you their perfect lives because they've chosen to celebrate what they have not be that one or multiple children.

OP..... you think my comment is strange but yours is reasonable?

🙄

Another only child of an only child here, and both my mother and I have had happy lives. I can't remember ever wishing I had a sibling. My exDH has a brother and they haven't spoken a word to each other in over 20 years.

I am an only and totally fine, happy childhood. I then like you had a traumatic first birth and had all the thoughts of not feeling able to do it again. 7 years later I had my second dc and the birth was totally different and wonderful. I think you need to think differently, having 1 is fine, they will be fine however not having another if you might want one because you have not come to terms with your first birth is not and you need to talk this through.

@EmmasMum12 If you actually read my comments.. you'd see I'm not trying to cause offence.

It's fine to have one if they are able to make and have lots of friends. My dd 9 has ASD and struggles with this and as she is an only child I worry so much about her future. If she had a sibling as company I wouldn't worry as much but it's too late now.

I'm an only and would have loved a sibling. I had a lovely childhood, but always felt different to my friends who had bigger families. I'm quite antisocial these days and my friends from bigger families seem more fun and laidback than me. I've always been a bit sensible! Maybe that's a personality thing rather than an only thing! The pressure of parent care also ways heavy on me. I have 3 DC- I love the hustle and bustle. Who knows what they'll think when they're older, but they are a close group at the moment. No-one can predict the future OP, you just have to do what feels right at the time.

@mumonthehill Completely agree.

@MakingTheBestOfIt 'she has a FUCKING PONY' This is amazing 🤣

I was an only child,my late parents, wrapped me in cotton wool, wasn't allowed a bike,they didn't like me playing with the local kids. I did find it lonely,am very introverted,found it extremely difficult to make friends. My late F was disabled in his 25s so I wasn't "spoilt" financially,as yes, people imagine. I decided I was going to have 6,yes, horrendous 1st time,did put me off for 5 years. Friends used to say,they had their children close together to get it over with. My youngest DGD is 12 and wants a baby sister! I had 4 2 miscarriages,they are spread over 20 years,2 marriages,and long story,they all get on famously

I have a sibling but my DH doesn't and to be honest quite frankly it shows....he is the stereotypical only child of his parents and the negative personality traits that come with that. I'm Not saying all only children are like that but looking through my peer group you can tell the ones that don't have siblings and those that do...

I would never deliberately be "one and done" (medical issues aside of course) - I think if you are prepared to have one child and you are in a stable relationship then you should be prepared to have a sibling

I am an only and had a very happy childhood. Id say that my parents expectations for me were possibly higher - as there was no point of comparison. As an adult I have sometimes wondered what it would be like to have a sibling and nieces and nephews, but I have plenty of friends who are NC or have terrible relationships with their siblings to realise that this is not a given.

It's anything but sad in our house! We have a fun happy lively family. One son.

I’m one of 3 and I’m quite introverted and antisocial. I’m really crap at making friends, I never really needed to do it when I was younger because I always had siblings to hang around with so I didn’t learn. I can already see my DD is more confident, independent and better at making friends than I was.

@Penguinsmum Just wanted to reiterate apologies if it came across if I'm classing all single child families as sad, I'm not, I just feel sad for myself really due to the experience we had & the way its affected my ability potentially to have another child without a huge deal of anxiety. Apologies again, I'm not very good at wording things sometimes.

I'm an only one now approaching 60 and I have four close friends of similar age who are also only ones. All five of us have two, or more, children each and did so deliberately. There is, of course, no guarantee that having siblings will bring closeness but, as older relatives pass away, being an only one brings a particular type of loneliness and, despite having a wide circle of wonderful friends, I do feel it keenly.

@bookworm14

Blame G. Stanley Hall. It’s all his fault.

Indeed - he’s almost single-handedly responsible for all the negative stereotypes about only children.I wish I could go back in time and punch him in the face.

I’ll come with you and work him over a bit if you get tired.

Mind you, in fact I blame him less than the dim witted trotting out of ‘An only is a lonely!’, usually said with an air of great profundity, as if they’ve just delivered a Socratic oration.

We have one child by choice, OP. We’re both from big families, and thought it was a less than idea way to grow up. In your shoes, I’d be interrogating your own prejudices.

OP it sounds like you had a strong view about what life “should” be like when you have children. Definitely more than one so there is always something going on, someone for the children to play with etc. Now you’re faced with the reality of possibly having only one and that image of the family you “should” have is rocky and uncertain.

I have an only and understand what you meant by sad although I would argue thatDD’s life is so much richer than mine when I was one of 6.

No one can tell you what you “should” do and no one can tell you what the future will be like with or without another DC. I wonder if a short course of counselling in the new year would help you figure out the right path for you?

I do get it OP, I was 40 when I had DD. Totally unplanned and happily child free. Once I had her, I wanted another baby but the thought of possibly having a disabled child (due to my age) that she would then be responsible for when I was no longer around meant I couldn’t have another DC. Once I made peace with that decision everything was fine and I could enjoy having an only with no guilt.

My DD loves being my only but also has older half siblings. So, kind of has the best of both worlds.
I too was my Mum's only and I have no complaints. Not all siblings get on. But I do have a wee pang of envy for those that have adult siblings that are great pals too.

Dd is an only. She is happy, well-adjusted, sociable and confident. She has parents who can engage with her whenever she needs it, and she never has to compete for attention or resources.

She is better at sharing her toys than any of her friends who have siblings.

I have a sister and she's fine. We see each other once or twice a year. We wouldn't be friends if we weren't related, but there isn't any animosity there either. We just don't really add anything to each other's lives. I think that is very common.

Anyone who says they are having other child "to give their child a sibling" is kidding themselves. They are doing it for themselves, which is fine, but I think reframing those expectations about what an additional child will bring to the lives of each of the existing members of the family is important.

I dont think you meant to cause offence. But you seem surprised when someone suggests that having 4 siblings could be sad just as in your opinion having no siblings could be sad

Naive? A bit lacking in the ability to discuss?

I’m one of 3, never had anything in common with siblings and we now live in different countries and rarely contact.

Ds is an only so far. He’s still young, but tbh I’m looking forward to more freetime As he grows so I’m not sure another is a great idea. We have friends who will watch him when needed, but multiple would need a babysitter

I have an only although not though choice (MC when DC was 2 and no luck since). DC is now 4 and has a very happy life. We live in a busy urban area with lots of friends nearby (although no family near us) and easy access to clubs and activities, and they go to a fantastic nursery 3 days a week. I do have to make more of an effort to play with DC than I would with 2 (in theory at least).

You have to suit your lifestyle to your family to some degree. I would not live in a rural or isolated area with an older only child dependant on lifts from me to see their friends. When DC is old enough, they will be able to visit friends on their own, either walking or using public transport, and won't be dependant on us to get around. So they can be as sociable as they want.

@EmmasMum12

I dont think you meant to cause offence. But you seem surprised when someone suggests that having 4 siblings could be sad just as in your opinion having no siblings could be sad

Naive? A bit lacking in the ability to discuss?

I'd agree with this. Having many siblings in my case was actually a sad thing. There simply wasn't enough of anything parental attention, space, general resources etc for anywhere near that many, and as a result, it was a miserably over-crowded childhood, and none of us are close as adults, because we remind one another of just how overcrowded it was, and how we had to compete with one another for limited resources.

I am one of five, and I have one child. All my siblings are childfree by choice.

We have one DD, expected we'd have more I have 2 siblings & my DH has 6. But after multiple miscarriages to have her & then developing a rare chronic condition when she was 4 (which DD has inherited) we made the decision to stick with one.
I still occasionally mourn the fact she won't have a sibling but I'm not sad about the fact she's an only if that makes sense. We can afford to send her to private school because she's an only, which with her condition is the best thing for her. Can afford some private treatment for her condition as well. We have loads of fun as a three & are a very, very tight family as a result of it just being 3.
Now, aged 11, I wouldn't change a thing as she deserves THIS family unit, we all do.

No its not sad at all. I was an only child for 15 years and my adult DS is an only child. We re all perfectly happy. I never see my siblings who are much younger than me anyway because they both emigrated. Thats often the case these days people don't all settle in the same town. People move away or abroad.